March 2001

Friday March 2, 2001,

I know you can shoot me, i am completely ignoring this diary. Why? I really don't know. Trying to find a way to really have the desire and excitment that i used to have in writing. There are times where i will write to vent out and get out the bottled up feelings within. But i seem to usually write at those times when my anger and frustration is so strong that this is the only way that i can express myself. Then again, no one said anyone had to read this or anyone had to understand it. Its my thoughts, my life, my chaos, my way of letting go some energy in a postive way that who knows might help someone else, or might just let you turn away from me thinking i am a deranged psychopath or something. *shrugs*

anyway much has been happening. Is back at my old bank and in heaven..*smiles* although the downside to it is every morning ending up walking there and walking home, well that is a good thing but find my legs are getting more and more tired, and feet are blowing up even more. I think i have to invest in a good pair of walking shoes or something, I got rid of all my sneakers so all i really have is just one pair of casual tennis shoes which really doesnt help for walking. Find that my feet are bloated, dry and have blisters and sores on the back of my ankles..ackk. Making such a big deal of nothing oh well. Hardest part is when i have to walk in the snow or rain. *sighs* Even now i look outside snowing, miserable cold, and i have to think ok..what do i do tommorrow. Do i walk it, or get a free ride 45 mins too early? Sure can go to breakfast or something, but for 45 mins waiting? thats 45 mins i can get to sleep and rest, or even worst, time to actually walk to work.

The other day got my hair cut and that was an experience i cant forget. I knew my hair looked like garbage, it was dry,limp, dead ends, and hasnt had a good cutting in a while. So went to the beauty salon, my problem is, have no idea what to get as well as doesnt have the time or patience to fuss with my hair in the morning. The beautician went nuts with me. She was a little korean older women who kept pushing how beautiful i was that if only i fussed with my hair and give it some extra time in the morning. What should have been a 20 min cut turned into a 2 and a half hour lesson. She restyled my hair 6 times, in differnt cuts and ways showing me the potential my hair has. In fact the place closes at 6..my appointment was at 4:00pm we didnt get out of there until 6:45. SHe spent so much time with me, teaching me about tricks i can do. In fact at one point when she was doing my grandmothers hair, she tossed me the box of velcro curlers and the curling iron and said "here learn" i stared dumbfounded, realizing i have never used a curling iron before nor have i used rollers on my own hair. I didnt know what to do. She had to teach me how to use a curling iron. Felt so awkward that something so simple i didnt know how to use. Made me think of a few things like that as well. I remember when i was at Masters house he asked me to open up a simple bottle of wine..that was like rocket science to me. and trutfully was freaking out that the cork would go flying and hit someone in the eye..but he had to remind me that is champagne not wine. but the point is..she spent so much time teaching me. going over different thingsi can do with my hair, and my mind geared constantly as i looked into the mirror, Is this what Master would like. If i came over to him one day with my hair in this style, or that style. Puffed in curles looking like a glamor queen, or just the straight flat hair? even the girl said it, she said in her heavy accent. "look how plain you looked walking in..now Whalla, see what you can do..You need to fuss" Hmm..well all i know is every morning i dont give a damn about fussing over my hair for the bank, makes it look nice, makes it look neat and professional. And even though i do fuss when i get ready to see Master, bout the time i get there, make up is faded, hair is a wreck, and clothing is just blahhh.

Aside from that..went to my first munch meeting in real life. It was very good, but i was also a bit disappointed. I guess it works on both levels. Did bring my mother along, she owed me for taking me to one of her parties at work and i had a miserable time feeling awkward, out of place, and just basically sat in the corner drinking. Because of me going there, i convinced her to come to me to one of these meetings. She really didnt want to go, even offered to give me anything i wanted if she didnt go. I figured No first of all she promised me, second of all, i have never been to one and even if this is the one and only time i go. would like her to go. And third of all the topic wasn't so bad that mommy dearest would run out of the door in disgust. The topic talked about terms, Master, slave, sub, limits, ect. I thought it was a very interesting one. and truthfully even my mother thought it was. Only problem was, she doesnt agree with it. we ended up talking for about 3 hours after the meeting was over about this lifestyle. My mother understands now that she can't get me out of it, but she wishes that i found something else to focus my energy on. See my mother knows how devoted i can get to. and has seen the passion within me many times. When i was younger i entered a contest a research contest speant MONTHS, researching totally engulving myself on the life of andy warhol. To the point that all i did was live and breath andy warhol. She saw how much devotion i put into that research progect and although it earned me an A++ in my AP college english class in highschool Was total failure by the contest board. *sighs* all that work and they said i failed to prove the point. *shakes head* Ok, so not everyone would understand me. But she has seen me go through my "phases" the only problem is..this is a phase that is never going to leave me. Unless something happens which destroys me completely i can't deny that this is very much apart of my life. My mother sees that now, but wishes i didnt get involved in this.

To go back to the meeting. I learned alot. was a little surprised that it was highly based online as well almost as if they were sitting on the fense between online and real life. Even looking around, only did see 3 couples. The rest appeared to be single lonely and looking. As for bringing my mother, ummmmm wonders if the greeter knew the relationship between us, but i think the rest thought we were lesbians or something. *shrugs* who knows. But i am glad i went...ooo did forget to mention, the only reason i did go was because Master allowed me to. *smiles*

its kind of funny to think about it. But part of our relationship is that i cant go to any bdsm functions without his permission. I think that is great, important, and plus, makes me also know that i dont have a choice on the matter. sure i think i would whine and bitch and moan if he said no, but i would respect his descision. Then again the hard part, its not only him that i need permission from. Need it from my mother, my family, who ever is taking me at the time and most of all whoever is hosting the function. But so far, went to a fetish bizzare, and now this meeting. Two very different activities, and had a great time, was able to finally get out, and see something and someone other then just what i know from Master. But most of all makes me realize that what i have with him is very special. *smiles* I looked at the other people who were masterless, or slaveless, and i felt totally detached from the group. its hard to explain.

I dont know, i have been having a lot of dreams lately. Dreams that i really dont want to happen. Maybe it is just my fears getting to me. but the other night dreamed that Master got into a bus accident and was a coma, and i was beside his bedside, in tears, and was only able to admit something very special to him in the silence, and then after doing so, his heart monitor buzzed and he flat lined. Sick dream right, but was even worst, is that last time talking to him for a few moments he mentioned that. Saying that we don't know what would happen and he gave the analogy that tommorrow he can be hit by a bus. *shakes head* think i was ready to cry at that moment. But if he was in an accident he asked me if i would just send him cards and candy? Is it that shocking to know that i would be by his bedside, holding his hand?? I dont know. It hard to explain. I was having a chat with this asshole who just pmed me out of the blue. Using his mental superiority to get to me. Truth is i am usually good at matching wits, but truthfully this guy got to me. He might have boosted his ego knowing that he did, and well he probaly knows he did, but when i sent the scoll to Master there was one line he had to comment on. One line out of all that chat and that was the fact i told this stranger that "i will never be 24/7 with my Master" Master asked about that. and we even talked about this on the phone for further understanding because think we both knew if we discussed it here, would be clouded fucked up and just misinterpreted. Dont ask me why but when we talk online we get into such a miscommunication ends up sending me in tears, and confusing the hell out of me. but anyway, we talked about this. ANd with my understanding, was always said that there is no hope for 24/7, there is no way. But now, its strange. And still have hope, in my life, always have hope with him. Hope for what, i dont know, but even he said, its a journey not a destination for if it was a destination would reach an ending. So going on a journey. who knows where it will lead.

well i know i am completely bored out of my mind and sadly it is only 10am. I am debating on wheter of going back to bed or not. I am tired, and well woke up too damn early this morning being my mother needed a duffle bag. ACKK..NO WAY is she taking my good 3 peice luggage set. so i gave her a crappy duffle bag. The reason..*shakes head how bitter and heartless i can be* but the reason is, she is checking my grandfather into a hospital. He has gangreen in his legs that is very bad. and is spreading. they may have to amputate his legs, they may not. but He is in the hospital now. *sighs* I know i sound heartless, but that man is better off dead. I cant bear to talk about him, see him, or anything. Do i love him. No. but know my mother does, and he is her father, so if he goes, then that means i have to put up with another tradgedy in my life. A sad mother, in tears. Thats one thing i cant bear to see. My mother crying. I am not good when people are upset. Don't know how to truly be there and my method is just to walk away and let them be upset without me. *shrugs* Heartlessly thinking about grandfathers house. being he is in the hospital his house is a GOLD MINE omg..he has..Original playboys from the 60's, 70's, he has In perfect condition even in orginal package, beatles records, elvis records, i cant even begin to list the stuff he has. The last time i was there i was in shock. His house is a dumpster. He has saved everything and never throws anything in his life out. I mean to try to imagine how bad his house is..he has a cabinet filled with nothing but empty plastic bags from supermarkets, and those damn twisty ties on garbags. He has boxes and boxes of junk mail. I mean just the other day found one of those adds from 1983 that has a catolog of junk that you can by directly. I mean his house is a disgrace and you cant walk in it at all. And i hate to say this, but if he goes, i am grabbing a UHAL truck buying a storage area, and just UHAULING all of that out of there, and going to sell it. Damn i mean he has, lamps from the 1930's in perfect condition. His Damn pots are 80 years old. Yes the pots he cooks in those old fashion cast iron kettle pots, which are EXCELLENT to cook in..he has them. God i can't even describe it..I also know somewhere in the boxes he has the original superman and batman comics. All i know is..you would need 6 months at least to empty out his house, clean it up and to truly lable everything. Geeze like an archological dig. But look how heartless. Me his only granddaughter, but truthfully he is better off dead. *sighs*

Saturday March 3

Well today was another long day. Worked this morning and after work had absolutely nothing planned. Did walk and boy was it cold..*brrrrr* I am soo not prepared for winter, think i have to get myself some gloves, scarf and a good winter coat that is not loaded up with the damn dogs fur. But walked there..even though it really isnt a big deal it is such a hassle. ALthough at least they are really nice at work. They even ordered me to stay in late on monday morning. They said there is NO WAY you are comming in trudging through the snow if it is as bad as the weatherman predict. They told me to hang out till 8:30..call the bank up and if they could, they will pick me up. What a job i have. they are so nice to me. :). The other place if i told them i couldnt come in they would yell at me and say get on the next cab. *shakes head*

Anyway they are predicting a very bad snow storm this weekend. Oh what i would give to be in Masters arms this week Just to go over his house tommorrow as the cold fridgid snow falls to the ground, wrapped up in his warm arms, and snuggle in his warm embrace. Unfortunately *pouts* thats not the case. In fact. geeze it is so fucking cold here. Even with heat on, it is not really evenly distrubuted throughout the house and my room happens to be the coldest room brrrr. Haven't been sleeping naked like i used to is actually bundling up in double quilts, a sweatshirt and sweat pants every night. I miss Master. I can't be greedy though *smiles* been talking to him almost every night and hearing his wonderful voice and his smiles has filled me up with joy.

Been venturing back into yahell. Dont know why. I now go there as a complete outsider. The lesbians find me interesting. In fact i really wonder why i have been hanging around them. could be i possibly feel guilty. The other day when talking to him he mentioned something which really i dont want to say hurt me..well it did hurt me, but it also had me thinking. I have really good friend, or should i say did, and our relationship was severely severed because of a few instances, and now that i think of it..could have been my selfishness, but more then just me. But he thinks in a way that my only concern for her is to eat her out. To sit on her face and wiggle. *sighs* thats not the case at all. First off..the whole idea of queening scares me. Not only a female but even him. I am very uncomfortable about that, second off, Ok will admit i do have bisexual tendencies, and maybe they are stronger then even i like to admit or want, but to think that my only concern is to fuck her. Maybe that is just it. I do want to. We are both sharing the same man, why cant we share each other? To listen each day and to know that she is not happy, that she is upset. It breaks my heart. And i know it is putting a toll on Master as well. But when i think of the depression phase i went through where i would just burst out into tears for no fucking reason at all. I wonder what is different now compared to before. What was it about before that had me into so many tears, and what is different now?? I honestly really dont know. but, i just would like to be friends, but i dont know how to.

anyway Family end..feels like i am cursed. things are going too well. Mother took grandfather to hospital and at the emergency entrace, locked the keys in the car. There was no double set and the set here at home, there was no way to get them to her. Plus since she was in the emergency room space, she would be blocking the ambulence. So guess what happened.>BOOOM had to break the window to get the keys. So now she is driving a car with no liscence plate, a broken window, a 11 month expired inspection sticker, and a car that is on its last leg. Sick part is. that is all we have left. If that car goes, then there is nothing. There are no other cars. Aside from that grandma wanted to suprise everyone tonight with a nice home cooked turkey..mmmm just the thought of it makes my mouth water, well she set the oven on what she thought was low..went out for a walk..to actually meet me at work to say hello, then comming back the house was smoking and the oven exploded. Seems the glass tray the turkey was in shaddered in a million pieces..all over the stove, all over the turky..and that caused the turky to drop aainst the wire heating part, caused it too smoke up. God she is lucky that there wasnt a fire, although there was a lot of smoke in the house. There went the turky..thought we can salvage it, but when i was picking off the glass, there was glass shards all over the place..just shook my head, and tossed it out. Full turky all gone :(. Ended up having just a bagle for dinner.

Overall though things are doing pretty good. I really do miss Master and awww just the thought of being wrapped in his arms, rubbing his body with warm hot oil..being with him..*sighs* that should really bring a smile which it totally does, but to think about it, and to think that right now i am cold, lonely by myself, family went to bingo, there is nothing on, and yahell is a disgrace, It almost makes me sad. but not depressed. I dont know its hard to explain. I know i am not as bad as i was earlier, but now ok yes i do miss him and yes i am a little down and yes things are really crappy in my life, but well i am accepting them, and feels really good, still working on breathing exercises and doing whatever i can to feel owned. but, well do miss him. Misses being with him a lot. Would have loved just to spend maybe an hour with him,but truth is i am too fucking greedy and even spending a day with him is not enough.

Sunday March 4

Well today was an interesting day did absolutely nothing although..*smiles* Talking to Master did just make my day. I really enjoy talking to him and we were able to discuss a great deal. One of the things i have to continue to work on is my diet and exercise. In fact something i really have to work on. He is giving me a week to get back into the swing of things. Every day. Might as well start tonight.. Before bed, and after the new series of the Lone Gunman..think i am going to relax to some nice stretching exercises. Calming myself down and focusing on my breathing, while working on flexibility. Sure taht really doesnt focus on the cardiovascular portion, however if i do anything tonight will end up being up all night. Anyway, i need to focus more on my diet, not only for him but for myself as well. Its important for me to truly lose weight, not only for a long healthy life, but also to improve my appearence as well. Its hard to think about it..but Master was right. by me not working out on my diet, i am going against him. I guess losing weight will be my toughest accomplishment, but most important one. I can't give up again this time. I can't fail.

Anyway, was roaming about in chat rooms today, Don't ask me why i go to the white supremisist rooms...It like a bad jerry springer episode. It is so sad at how much hate people can have within them. As well as how much ignorance, and rage within. Its sad. I dont even know why i bothered. Guess shows how bored i really was. Waste of my time. It really was, but in a way its like a bad train wreck. Can't take your eyes off it. But i guess, i am out of it. I just spent a few mins there, and went out. Was just too sick for me.

My aunt and her boyfriend have been on vacation for the past week, went around a few states and one of their stops was Salem Massachusettes. They stopped off and got me a book on hexes..*giggles* truthfully i think it is an interesting book, and fun to read..but something i would truly never do. I dont believe in hexes, and don't believe in evil doings. Because somewhere deep inside i do believe things do come back three fold. Maybe in a way master is right. Now that i am a little more older, a little more mature, can handle the wiccan lifestyle. Hmm maybe i need to go dust off the old grimoir and dust off my books..*smiles* who knows..will give me something to focus on. I don't know.

Well now tommorrow is supposed to be the big storm. Really not looking forward to it. but will take it slow and see what happens. will get my outfit together and think going to just walk and take it slow. *shrugs* As for now....Lone Gunman going to premier..woo hoo..used to love the x_files and when i went to the convention actually met them real life..they are a great and funny bunch..*smiles* So *crosses fingers* hope this is a good spinoff

Tuesday March 6

Ok we got it bad. ARGGGG. I hate the snow and it is still snowing. I look out the window and all i see is white, It was bad this morning and we all actually did the crazy thing of taking the car and going for breakfast. I was lucky being off today. Everyone else just called in, played hooky. At least i have tommorrow off as well. But still this weather arggg.

Woke up got dressed really warm and layred, and shoveled. Shoveled and shoveled...i hate shoveling but the actual good thing was something i took one look at her, and power slammed her into the ground..*giggles* we ended up having a huge snow wrestle on the front lawn. Left us completely exhausted, she was able to get me 3 times i got her once, but just the sheer fact if fighting in snow up to our knees, and the cold..*giggles* we had a nice time. Been a long time since i have played in such a way. Downside to it. I have wind burn on my face. Look like i am permanately blushed. *smiles* that could be a good thing. But arggg..my cheeks are now red as anything. After the fight, and shoveling we all went to breakfast which was a nice treat. Ate like a pig then again that is going to be my one and only meal for the day..*giggles* but what the hell, after all that work, and knows i will feel it tommorrow in agony. Had a nice time though, after breakfast..think we all passed out..*giggles* ended up taking a nap and well just woke up about 45 mins ago. Cute thing was we also had the dog out. Cant stand the damn dog, but was watching her hop over the snow. And when i started tossing snowballs at her, she tried so hard to catch them but was confused as to where they went. What a stupid dog.

Knows i have to go back to my diet. Not easy, but feels this is the one thing that i can probably do as the ultimate sacrifice. Gets me a little frustrated. But then again it is my own frustrations because i know i am doing nothing. But going to take it easy, slow and patient. Even found a few spells..*shakes head* Its strange. I pushed off a religion i thought i believed in, something which for a brief moment was all i had. And well, maybe i satisfied my family by breaking away. By No longer practicing, but where did that leave me? Beliefless, lost, doesnt even have faith in any god, goddess or anything. Was talking to Master the other day, and he seemed to encourage me to gear back into it. I wouldnt be doing it for him, more for myself. even dusted off my notes, my books, and just started reading. Had to know this was comming because don't know what compelled me to buy a calander back in November considering that i havent been into it. but Found that calender again, and looked up information for today. 6th day of Ostara, moon phase in 2nd cancer, moon will enter leo at 5:30am and daily color is white...*SIGHS*..why do i seriously bother. Maybe this is another thing in my life of nothing but information. Useless information. Who truly cares what the power color is, or what phase the moon will enter. Only weird thing..Notice how the color is white. *shakes head* Damn..All i see is white outside. Can i go back to being wiccan. be that little bondage witch? I dont know.

Wed March 7

Well its my day off again. ARGG feels like this week is dragging. Actually it is a good thing because really not looking forward into walking in the snow. But i have one more day of relaxation. But i am bored out of my mind and it is only 9:30 ACKK. I know it is my fault, i woke up way too early. But started cleaning my room AGAIN. Feels like it will never be cleaned. But tossed out a full garbage bag of stuff, and gave up. The way i feel today will toss out everything in my room, just getting rid of it. But just sick and tired of cleaning it, so i came here. :) Did a little spring cleaning here to. Took my ICQ List and went DELETE DELETE DELETE, got rid of all the garbage names. Then went to Pager..and did the same thing. Sick and tired of seeing the same names that never light up. Or constantly light up but doesnt even say a hello. So i gave up. Reduced my lists, got them down to those who are important in my life. I know, this could be a form of isolating myself. I know i had a talk with a friend of mine who was saying how important it is to keep in touch with friends. But i know i have changed these past few years here online. I have changed a lot, why go back to the past. Those who i have truly cared about are all gone. am i complaining. No, its my fault anyway on most cases. I fucked things up. So did some clearing out of my lists. make it all easier if i change my name.

Anyway, did get a chance to speak to Master last night. He sounded exhausted. He needs to get some serious rest, *giggles* sometimes i wish i could give him all my free time that i always have, but thats impossible. But a nice thought. Well he plans this weekend, in a way i am not suprised, although i am suprised that he actually told me what his plans are. He never did that. Which makes me wonder. I know i think things through or overanalyze at times, but, Why tell me what he is doing this weekend. Was it because he feels comfortable enough to tell me, or was it another thing to test my reaction. I don't know. I have always accepted if he said, "I am busy" or "I have plans" and a little disappointed one accepted it, and hoped to see him next time. But now, to tell me exactly what he is doing. It works on many levels. But i think i am just overly analyzing everything making something out of nothing. I just in a way wishes he didn't have to tell me what he does with other girls. Would be happy ignorant...or would i?

Anyway, been roaming around absolutely sick of online chat. It is just unbelievable. I guess in a way that is why i am hanging out in the rooms i never been in before. Spent some time in the wiccan chat room, through voice chat and everything. You would think, that wiccans, who spread peace, love, and goodness, has to trouble themselves with extreme religious christain activist who come into the room and spread the word of Jesus Christ. *shakes head* I had to leave, made me sick. So i went to the Christain chat room. Think everone was stuck on LSD or something. Most of all, i see people enter these rooms just to create that form of opposition. Master and i discussed this about me going into gor. Is that truly the point of chat? To enter a room of opposition, just to fight, and feel good about yourself to vent off steam? We also discussed about a form of punishment of banning me from online chat rooms. Come to think of it..now think that would be a blessing rather then a punishment. Will do something more meaningful with my time. However a true punishement is just banning me off line..No Email, no clubs, no diary. I think that is the reason i truly come online. Just to check my email. I really do enjoy reading the lists and what others have to say. And i do try to respond whenever i can be it group or private. But my club is dead, there is L&R's which now being able to put a face behind the name is really a joy. But, well, there really isnt anything else. All my mail is just lists stuff. Rarely do i get anything from a friend or just a warm hello. Then again, i am to blame for that.

I have to go back to my diet, that is the focus now. I did wake up and do a good 15 mins or so of meditation kneeling. Just to relax and focus on my breath. I do realize that it is not easy at all. Maybe i am breathing wrong, but i try to focus taking deep breath in, holding it, and exhailing and i can do it, but i find myself taking catch breaths and regaining breaths because i can't stay on that pattern. However i do relize that with each breath and as time goes by, my breathing slows a great deal. My heart rate slows. In the beginning it is rushed, hurried, fast, but towards the end they are deep full, slower breaths. Maybe that is what has been different so far in my life. the fact that i have been doing this form of relaxation. Giving me someting to focus upon. Who knows..could be improving my kneeling time too. ALthough still finds i have trouble kneeling. Seems i have no problem kneeling for an hour or so before Master doing what i enjoy best..*blushes*, however just settling down for 15 mins on my own, kills me. Then again could be the fact that between the walking, the shoveling, and all the stuff i have been doing, i am straining my body.

Thursday March 8 2001,

ok Think i am in big trouble ACCKK. Master told me not to worry but well can't help and admit that i am worried, and plus not seeing his face light up today online i think really got him in trouble *POUTS*. But, thats another story, just hope he is all right..really does.

On the opposite side things have been rather well. It hard to say. I mean on one end i feel totally miserable that i might have gotten Master in trouble, on the other end i actually feel calm, relaxed, at eased, and happy. See we have been talking about "collars". I went a site and was reading about collar of consideration, vs training collar. Ironically Master spoke about this a while ago..turns out it was the same site. But in reading it, there was so much into it. I know according that definition that we are well past the stage of "consideration" the training aspect, not too sure if we reached that part yet. A few things i know we havent reached, yet part of it we have. Many times when i am online the very first question asked to me is "Are You collared?" I serious felt awkward in answering that. Technically i do not have his initials, as well as..technically i never really was. Although when i am with him, i wear his collar. That really confused me. My usual response would be a long winded speech on how the misconception in the online media is how at the start of a relationship a Master must give a collar. I gave them the example that it is like giving a wedding ring on the first date and hopping that the relationship develops into a happy marriage. Umm that doesnt happen. IN a way that is how i feel about collars. But the truth is, i feel collared. I felt it for a long time. Felt like i was his girl for a while now, and each time we talk, we meet, we scene it is reinforced even more. So he brought up collar of consideration, and finally i read about it. Its hard to explain how i feel. I mean in a way i am not looking for a collar from him, but in a big way i am. I dont need something to show my devotion to him, i dont need the outward symbol to tell the world i am his. but yet...i do. I know i am talking paradoxes again. That is one thing i am learning to stop. But Just to have something which is a constant reminder of him on me at all times. He did implant the idea of a peircing one time. And i was so for it, until we didn't go through with it. Maybe thats for the best. But just something that i can feel on my body 24/7 to know i am his. I mean i gave him a nice back pack and i am with him in a way all the time. Then again he made that up not me..*smiles* didnt even think of that at all, but when he said it, it just dawned on me that he is absolutely right. He does carry a piece of me with him. And i do have a big piece of him in my heart. I dont know.. I feel greedy asking for a collar. Yet in gorean traditions a girl doesnt get a collar unless she begs for one. I have yet to truly beg him, and fear begging him.

I asked him about a simple necklace, or something. Just something that i could wear 24/7. I dont know not into materialistic things, and not looking for anything fancy. What about a simple necklace with a nice charm. I used to have this necklace with a set of 5 rings. Made me feel like i was owned, but yet, sad part is, was a symbol i created myself. Was something i given to myself. It was my own submission. but now...good question What now?

Aside from that was reading up on that site...Really is a good site, a lot of articles well written..a few of them that really touched me was the one about high-end subs. Wonders if that is me at times..but knows it isnt entirely. Another concept is Dom drop, sub drop, geeze list goes on and on. Think i am reflecting and worrying about too many concepts at times.

Well, i guess that leaves me, here home after work, exhausted, and really worried about Master. He didnt pop on. No email, no messages, i feel terrible.

Sat March 10

Been thinking and reflecting a great deal. Well I am very worried. I have a right to be worried. Then again i do feel bad. Wrote an email reflection what i thought to Master. Maybe it is not the best thing to do. But i do know one thing and that is i am not going to push. I am here for him if he needs me.

Well anyway, today was a kind of rough day. *giggles* But really funny. Felt like this was a comic relief day. Was completely screwing up..but all in good fun. Was a good laugh, between me bumping into everything, my mic broke down..*giggles* it was hilarious. but i survived another day.

Right now watching really good movie. Coyote ugly..*giggles* typical rough bar guy movie..but i think it is a good one. ALso bought myself 9and a half weeks. Hmm That is a classic. May have to bring that one next time i go see Master. *giggles* good movie to curle up together with. I dont know, I do hope everything is all right. I am worried. ANd not too sure if i am helping at all. He makes me smile. I just hope warm thoughts of me, brings a smile to him as well. For now..going to watch my movie.

Well watched my movie. I like coyote ugly..All that skin tight leather clothing, the dancing, the wild crazieness..brought a smile to my face. Maybe think of being a wild crazy girl. Too bad it ended on the wrong foot. In fact i don't even know what happened. It had to do over a stupid fight being my VCR is broken. It constantly over heats, and i just wanted to watch my movie in peace. Everyone else was in the kitchen playing poker, They werent even watching tv in the living room. What was wrong with me watching the movie. There was no sex, there was no cursing, So it was a little loud, and a party type movie. It was all in good fun. But of course my aunts boyfriend has to fucking butt in like he always does. Why couldnt he get it in his head to leave me alone. I just wanted to be left alone. And he has to start with me about respect. FUCK HIM. He doesnt respect me. Sure i will admit he does things for me SOMETIMES. but I have literally end up begging him, even worst, ends up begging my aunt. They gave me a hassle for taking me in, They even have to bring up about Tuesdays. I only asked him ONE TIME. JUST ONE TIME to please take me to the bizzare. I never mentioned any other time. He wanted to Go, My aunt wanted to go, and now he has to rub it in that he is not taking me to the meetings. FINE I DONT GIVE A FUCK. Never asked him to take me in the first place. But what can i say. I forced my lifestyle on to all my family. They dont appreciate it at all. All they do is mock me. There have been times where they will make fun of me saying "Master..Yes Master..Master"..I hear there fucking taunts in my head at times. They have no clue at all. Just no clue.

I promised myself i wouldnt cry tonight. But i think i am losing it. I feel bad for sending that letter, I feel bad that i can't be all that Master needs. I am not helping him. He makes me feel so special. ANd even now through tears, i am smiling just thinking of him. He is that force which brings the light in my life. But it is that light i always had within me. The light that makes me smile, makes me all innocent loving.

Even tonight my mother looked at me and said...your face is so young..yet you are turning 21 this year. She also said how i have no modesty and no shame at all. Thats a fucking lie. But i am not going to be closed off like i used to be. They don't appreciate me. I actually told my mother to go fuck off tonight. HOw can i say that to her. Do you know how awful i feel. I have never cursed in my life. Yet i told her to leave me alone and go fuck off. I am in tears right now. All because of a stupid fucking fight. Why does he have to fucking butt in. Always. He went home. Why didnt he just go downstairs. I even told him how stupid he is..Damnit i turned into my aunt. i told him if he didnt understand english, and just go downstairs. He had to fight with me. He had no right to fight with me. But who do i blame. I blame my family. They are so quick to internally complain how they can't stand him being over. HOw he takes advantage of us, eating our food, sleeping over, being here constantly. Yet they don't have the balls to tell him off. What i have to belittle myself, curse out my mother, curse him out. Why was she protecting him. Why didnt she stand up for me. He should have never but in. He had no right to start telling me about respect. Well my respect just went down the toilet.

Ok another topic. Master, always going back to Master. Well this weekend he is with another. I am just worried. Told him to be careful He knows what i mean. But i do hope he has a good time. A little party, hopefully a little dancing, and very minimal drinking. Hmm..have to try to get him into dancing a little more. IN fact he asked me to find a tape of middle easturn spiritual type music, well took the initiative and ordered a cd of belly dancing. I should be getting it on monday since it was shipped out on Tuesday. And amazon.com is really good when it comes to shipping. Usually gets it within a few days. So, hopefully it will be some good music. Not too sure, might be not what i am looking for. but well it is belly dancing. I am hoping to try to incorporate him into a dance one time. I even have the image in my head..*smiles* it brings a nice thought. But i mean, if i could overcome and fully do the thoughts that race through my mind. To be able to be that sensual girl with no fears, who strips for her Master, and as he watches sitting there on the couch, i ease over to him, extending out my hand, as i begin to writhe and move against him. Maybe even giving him a lap dance. But to have him stand up, and i slowly turn around, leaning back against him, as my cheek leans back against his neck, guiding his hands around my curves, and slowly dancing to the music. *sighs* Master doesnt dance. He never liked dancing. Then agian, i never danced before either.

Damn,,,there is so much running through my mind. But i am strong. Plus Master is busy *giggles*. I guess in a way i would rather suffer, then interrupt him. He even gave me free access to call him up at work any time i wanted to. I told him i rather not unless i had his permission. Because i feel just calling him up out of no where I would be interrupting and impeding on his job. And as of right now still feeling guilty about the other day, that is the last thing i want to do. Endanger him at work. Plus i fucked that up with AJ, and with Donavin as well.. I dont want to hurt him as well.

In a sick way i truly wonder if i can ever go a post without bringing up Master. I dont know maybe i am just as confused. But truthfully *smiles*. I cant deny that even in this shitty night, cursing my family and telling my mother to go fuck off, even after all that. I am still smiling. Thats just totally wrong. But i know my family will get over it. Although technically my grandmother holds big time grudges. My mother doesnt. so not worried. As for appologizing. Well i have aeverone to appologize to. But i truthfully dont care any more.

Hmm..find myself humming..This little light of mine..i am gonna let it shine. Hmm is that a religious song? I don't even remember. Well Overall today was an interesting day. Movie was really good. At work we had the gigglies over me screwing up. Would like to eventually get to see 9 and a half weeks. but looks like that is not going to happen.

Lastly i know i brushed it off. But So badly to i want to get a peircing. Know it is going to hurt like hell. And probably the worst thing i can do, but i was talking to a friend of mine peircing was the topic. And i don't remember what i was watching whethere it was a commercial or comming attraction to a movie, but she had a straight conservative family and she got her ears peirced, and they were bugging out about that, so what she did was lift her blouse up at the dinner table and say "that isnt all i got peirced"..and her kid brother pointed and laughed saying You were the one on the internet..*giggles* I thought that was hillarious. God i want to get it done.

Sunday March 11

Suprisingly i have been exhausted today completely. Horny as hell also, but just feel totally drained. Started where i woke up very early this morning, came here online got instantly depressed, no email no club messages, nothing, and chat rooms..BORING, so went back to sleep. Thought i was just going to sleep for say another hour. Ended up being 4 hours. Then got up, had a little sandwhich, came back online, read through a few messages, which turned out to be nothing more then more club invites. Then got depressed and horny, went off line, masterbated myself silly, and conked out in exhaustion took another nap. Now it is almost 6pm. And i feel miserable.

Was thinking, do i actually submit. Or do nothing more then pick and choose my submission? I have always said to myself that i will do anything that Master tells me to do. Anything for him. Yet, the few things he asks i cant do. Found myself munching on chocolate today and in sheer depression through it down, looked down at my body, and just said Look at me. This is why i cant lose weight. I am not even trying. All day could have done something could have went for a walk, could have popped in an aerobics tape, could have exercised. Did do 15 mins of breathing. I am actually getting to enjoy that. Just to kneel down with warm thoughts of Master and deep calm relaxing breaths is nice. Can't do it naked all the time, but the few moments i could is even more of a pleasure. But look at me. I am doing absolutely nothing. All i want is to be thin, and beautiful, and make him happy, make every one happy. But i cant even do that myself.

Sad thing is, i truly found out that the only time i really do write in this diary is when i am depressed or unhappy. Thats so strange, but i guess it truly is my method of venting. Letting out this bottled up energy. And geeze i probably make my life sound pathetic. Right now, ok yes i am bored out of my mind. Maybe i am a little frustrated. But i am not on my death bed *giggles* In a way i do have that positive little light within me. *smiles* i listened to a message Master left me, and one thing he said to me is that i always sound so cheerful and happy. *smiles* Its true, i usually am cheerful and happy, always that little ray of light to make others happy.

but why can't i do that one thing which he asks. What is stopping me from losing weight. I know they say you can't do something like this for another, You have to want to do it yourself. I want to do it so badly, But i am not even trying. I was on the atkins diet for 3 weeks. Dropped 12 lbs. But you know something i just lost all my zest for it. Aside from the fact i was ultimately miserable. I was sick and tired of my family judging me. I feel that is all they ever do. They make fun of me over Jim, they make fun of me how i eat, i shouldnt say make fun of me. But all i feel is there constant judging. Damn i cant even watch a movie without them causing a problem. And coyote ugly had No cursing, no sex, nothing, it was just a wild party type movie. *sighs*.

And now, well aunt just walked in the door, I am hoping her boyfriend doesnt even come and bother me. I am just sick of him and want to just be left alone on that aspect. Just needs him to leave me alone for now.

Had a dream the other night. Don't even know how to describe it. Dreamt i was kidnapped by a very sleezy slimy leather creep, and he knew i was a slave, and he was licking my neck, digging his teeth into the tender flesh, and i found my breath quivering and my fear pulsating through my body as he pinched my breast licking my neck, I kept whispering him that "i have a Master" but felt myself being seduced by him. Well..ended up time went by and was raped and ravaged by a whole bunch of guys, even though i grew to love it and expected it, my thoughts and mind was still on Master in the dream. Finally i was able to escape after a few months, only to find out, that i was forgotten about and Master was married, with kids, and settled in a job in a vanilla lifestyle. *shakes head* I shouldnt have wrote that letter.

sometimes our actions have multiple meanings. Why must i always be the psychoanalytical one. Why must i always come up with answers. sometimes answers are better left unfound. I really do hope everything is all right though. I know maybe tommorrow, or sometime this week i will be able to talk to him knowing that he is safe, ok, and that he is not mad at me. But for tonight. He hopefully is having a good time dancing.

I should really go out tonight. Knows mother will be home in about an hour. And tonight is the big bingo. ONly problem is it starts at 7. She doesnt get home until 7. *sighs* Plus it is too much money. We are talking roughly one hundred dollars a person. Too much of an investment to lose. I just need to get out though. Need something to do. Because here i am still in my pajamas, needing a shower badly, and just feel miserable. Thats what i should do, get up, get dressed, take a shower, and even if i go to the bowling alley and gamble a little. Did win $100 dollars yesturday playing the numbers..then again cost me $70 between paying for myself and my mother to play..so i came home with $30 extra in my pocket..and she went home with $30 herself since she won. Funny though how she didn't share her winnings. but only winnint $30 she might as well keep it.

Speaking of which. Found myself playing the lottery last night. Very rarely do i play. I probably should play more often because well with the right set of numbers your whole life could change. And that thought still plagues my mind. Of me writing out that special check and in the corner typing in the reference section "for reaching the stars and finding a moonbeam of light" I am not buying my way into submission, but truthfully i am too much of a giver and if i hit it big. My mother would have her house, her credit cards, and all her loans paid off as well as a brand new car. My aunt will be given say 200,000 and asked to get the hell out of my life and out of this house. My grandmother, well her dream to be in the religious born-again capital of the world in Tulsa OK, and me. Well i would find a place out on my own. go back to school, possibly open up my own business. And well even if i am not with Master, and even if this takes a lifetime for me to achieve. A check is still going to be paid out saying that very line..."reaching the stars and finding a moonbeam of light" All it takes is a dollar and a dream. I may be greedy..but i give too. The only down side to this is..checked my numbers..Not a winner. Oh well. :(

I was really lucky last night though. Hmmm. i should go and play tonight again. Even if i win a few thousand that would be a nice treat. Could use the excitement of paying off my credit card. *shrugs* then again my credit is shot and only started off. All because of my damn loans, and well because of over using credit card to.. POUTS. Well i paid off one, and going to work on the rest, and so far my loans have been doing good, and still keeping up with the additional principle each month. Maybe that is really not making any difference now, but who knows..rather then say 10 years..maybe i can get the big one down to 8 years..and the 4 year loans..maybe if i am lucky can get it down to 2. Who knows.

March 12 Monday

Yesturday was great :). In fact find myself in a bumbly happy mood. I was miserable last night so well had to get the hell out of the house so took my mother to a local bar/restaurante..and it was GREAT> *giggles* We were partying, dancing, singing, and oooo i had a wonderful scrumptious steak..mmmm..just thinking of it now makes my mouth water considering i was starving last night. It was great though. Was dancing with the bartender..lol..*giggles* and well playing numbers too. ANd everyone was completely drunk. It seems all the regects from the St paddy's day parade was at that party..and they were crazy..But i had a great time.

Even today was great. We had a baby shower party at work. Made it a big suprise for one of the personal bankers who is going to be on maturnity leave soon. ANd although it was a busy day, i was just soo full of pep, energy and happiness. Plus..my bra was hanging out of my blouse..and gave the customers some good view. *smiles*. But truthfully did excellent today even going to be comming home with 20 dollars in extra cash all because i made referals. WOO HOO. I was on a roll. I just totally kicked ass.. *smiles* and well now leaves me all bumbly happy and just happy. Even everyone at work was wondering why i am so happy.

Speaking of work, had two very interesting customers which bring me to mind. One of them kept staring and staring at me with a stupid ass grin. Turns out he was one of the guys at the munch meeting..*giggles* should have known..thought he looked familiar. *Shrugs* But i rarely mix business and pleasure so wasnt going to give him a benifit of the doubt. Plus was all domme like with him, dealing with his banking..*giggles* He must of thought is was hilarious.

The other customer i hadd, was a young pretty girl. ON her wrist she had a chain with a cromian lock on it. I found myself staring at it. Not out of disgust or anything but i seriously thought it was beautiful, she saw me looking at it..and quickly adjusted her sleeve covering it up. I was almost disappointed, but well we were busy, and once again i dont mix my personal life and business. But it was beautiful. i just gave her the receipt told her to have a nice day. ANd watched how she shyly hide the chain.

OVerall had a wonderful day. Hope Master is doing good. And hope he had a fun time as well yesturday. Hopefully will get to talk to him, but well know he is at work, and seems to be busy right now. *smiles* but well he is on my thoughts and on my mind. and definately in my dreams. *smiles*

Wed March 14

It was strange..yesturday was completely exhausted. IN fact i dragged myself around the entire day. Even at work they took one look at me and thought i was chinese or something because my eyes were half shut the entire day. And the day dragged like anything. I even walked to work which was a nightmare considering it was pouring out side. I know should have called a co-worker, but i just feel so akward calling them up, and relying on them to take me in when the weather is bad. I just don't feel comfortable. But they all said call them up. It is no big deal i only live a few blocks away and they have no problem with taking me. I preferably walk though. Just yesturday was such a nightmare. Was TIRED.

Even went to bed very early. Was in bed by 7:30 and out like a light. The only thing i found myself JUMP up at 11 pm my heart was racing, sweat was pouring down my face..and found myself jumping up out of bad screaming Master. *shakes head*. I looked at the time. I know that by 11, Master probably just walked through the door after a long tiring day, and having some din din. Maybe i should have called him just to rest assure that he is all right. Then again..i think my nights have probably been just as uneasy. ALthough been having a great many nightmares, really havent been JUMPING out of bed. But well incubus attack. Just weird how i have no idea what i was dreaming or thinking about however jumping up all i said was "Master" Took me a while to go back to sleep, but went back to sleep, and although today is my day off, ended up waking up at 7:00. Thought i could have sleep late, who knows may go back to bed. Its only 9:30 now and already went out for a walk, went out for breakfast, and even did my laundry. Although i so badly have to clean my room. Well started that too..*giggles* Oh feels awful about that. My room is like no matter how many times i clean it..It never gets clean if that makes any sense.

So today my day off. ANd well Bored. Too early in the morning to be bored. *shrugs* Find myself as i am writing this watching a cheech and chong movie have no idea what the title is..but looks like a great marquis de sade movie. *giggles* Lots of whips, chains, sex, woo hoo. I think it is hillarious. Just shows how wicked and evil my mind is. but as soon as this movie is over think i am going to start cleaning my room again. ARRGGG..eventually it will get done.

March 15 2001

Beware the ides of march..*giggles*. Well it was a long day today, glad it is over. We had a lot of computer problems they completely crashed. There were just so many problems. *giggles* its over..Yippie. Then of course tommorrow starts a new day.

Well talked to Master last night, and hopefully will be able to talk to him some more this evening. *Crosses fingers*. He says i am doing good, that i am a good girl and doing everything i should be doing in this situation. But why do i feel like i am not helping the situation at all. I have my doubts my insecurities, even to the point of my jeolousy deep within. But see that the whole thing. I care for him so much, that allows my thoughts and opinions of the situation, quieted just so that maybe he can see. See what? Maybe its me who isnt seeing.Who knows. Think i just need to talk to him tonight.

Anyway. Master wants me to start having breakfast every morning. NOt easy. not used to having breakfast, but had a little cereal with milk, lunch was a nice little healthy fruit, cheese and a muffin. Pouts..so much needs to do. for now..doesnt even know what to say, sort of speechless, Wanted to write in this diary, keep up with it. But well *giggles* I am speechless. At least things have been going well, Feels great, and no problems. *shrugs*

Sunday March 18

well today has been an interesting few days. A lot has happened, and a lot of thoughts. Lets see, well yesturday was St paddies day. I didnt have green POUTS. then again i dont even know what the purpose of it is. Oh well. *shrugs* but we were at work, it was very busy, long lines, very hectic, and there was only the three of us. Its kind of hard now that we are down one less teller and it is getting busier. Unfortunately i was somehow $3 short. POUTS. Have no idea how but at least it really wasnt a big deal. But i was re-running through my head what it might be, and comming up empty. Hmmm. Its no big deal, being that i have actually been really good, and hasnt even showed anything this entire month. WOO HOO..that is a change. Friday at work was even worst..Geeze i dont know where the hell my mind was. Was completely out of it. Then again at one point i got so fucking horny. We were all talking about sex, and my assistant manager, is a big time vampire..OOO *shudders* the thought of Master, digging his teeth into my flesh, licking my neck oh god the image hit me so strong. We were so bad on friday, all we talked about was electricuting, nipples, piercings..OMG, can't beleve we were able to openly talk about this. THen again Friday is a very long day..*giggles*.

Problem is i really do miss Master, and still been having some of the worst dreams. Last night found myself literrally crying. Was in tears, then again was so horny, ended up playing with myself so hard with tears and all, that i completely passed out. Must have been pre pms, because well this morning ended up getting my period. But to find myself doing that, and crying. And i wasnt crying because i was upset, In fact i wasnt upset, it was just i guess emotions got to me, between, all the thoughts, dreams, *sighs* I dont know. Well must be because i finally got my period. Who knows.

Well Things have been kind of hard on the home front as well. My mother is probably making a mistake for her life, but she is filing for bankrupcy. *Shakes head* that is going to completely fuck things up. I just fear that by her doing that, it is going to destroy my chance of ever getting anything. However, thats just it. Financially she cant do what she is doing. Ever month she pays her credit card bill, and ever month the balance actually gets higher. Which is a disgrace. She is giving all the money she can, and yet doesnt even go down. So she is going to a lawyer, and checking out what can be done. Speaking of credit, well knows my credit isnt that good to begin with, and although keeps paying everything, and always giving additional principle on everything. They cut my credit line. *giggles* I know i am guilty of constantly going over my limit as well. Difference i pay it back. Oh well. Things are really tough right now. I am not complaining, just i feel like i am going no where and truth is. I am not.

I guess i also do feel a little guilty, a little greatful, i dont know what i feel. I almost went out on a date, last night. A kid 20 Years old. Lives next down over, and i have been talking to him online for the past month or so. We just talk. But he wanted to hang out and chill with me. Actually he probably wanted to get high with me or something. That is the one thing stopping me from seeing him is the fact he is a drug addict. My mother questions why the hell i get myself caught up in all these crazy people. Yes she thinks the whole thing with Master is crazy, and now with this kid, *shakes head* In fact when i told her about it. Said there this guy, lives only a mile away, can see him tonight, He is only 20 years old. You should have seen how her face lit up. Until i said..well mom, there is a problem,,,he is heavily into weed and wants me to go over and smoke it with him. Well that sent her to go off..and shake her head in disgust. So no i didnt go out with high boy, although did talk to him on the phone. Geeze I am so glad i didnt go out with him. He was smoking up the joints while i was talking to him. Even coughing and rambling in incoherent sentances. *shakes head*. OH well, I didnt go out with him, and truthfully one important thing that is on my mind is i would be disappointing master. I feel guilty for doing something like that. Although he did say i can go out within anyone in vanilla without his permission and truth is this kid knows absolutely nothing about BDSM, but to me..its cheating. Maybe in sick way i still carry my morals. Hard to say, but there are times where i am losing faith. But my heart is so set on one thing. Makes my mind confused.

I started cleaning my room. I cant do it, Is sick and tired of doing it. It can never get cleaned. Was even asking my mother, what can i do to make it clean? Can i get rid of my closet. There is no room for me to even walk in. I have rotated my bed in 5 different directions, I have tried so hard to keep it clean, but my room is a wreck between my shoes, and everything. ACKKK. I should just throw a bomb to it. Feel that is all i ever do is clean.

I miss Master badly..really badly. but another week, another test of patience, devotion. Its going on 5 weeks now. I shouldnt complain, its becomming a once a month thing. I just get confused that is all. Ok..now i know i have my period bad..*giggles* not only is my mind all over the place, i am talking jibberish. Truth is i think i need to go to bed..ONly 11am in the morning, and already i am exhausted, bloated, and tired. Yawns. Well maybe its a good thing, for the next time.

Tuesday March 20

WOw, dont ask me why, today my day off, I shoot up out of bed at 5:30 am in the morning with so much energy i started singing, dancing, cleaning my room, doing my laundry..ACKK..it was unbelievable. I dont know what came over me. Then i realize today is the vernal equinox. *giggles* First day of spring. A time of rebirth, a time for blooming, growing, *smiles*, Nice day, The sun is out. It is georgeous, and too bad my egg experiment didnt work POUTS. *giggles* they claim that at the time of the equinox which happened to be at 7:21 am an egg should be able to stand up on its own. Well my egg didnt work. Too bad. But was something to try. *smiles* Even now it is only 8 am in the morning and i feel like i have been doing so much.

I did get my income tax check. WOO HOO happy me. Its going right into the bank. Have to take responsibility for myself, plans on opening up a savings account to save up. Might as well. Pretty much i think i am doing good. Even though my credit is shot i am paying off my loans, giving them additional principle, one of my credit cards are finally paid off. And making payments on time. I feel good. *smiles* even if it is going to take me another 10 years or so. I just really feel positive. Must be the day. Even found myself thinking a bit of the Goddess today, and a circle meeting, for the beauty of such a day today. But my heart is not there yet.

Did get a chance to speak to Master yesturday. I am at a lost at whether i should push, pull back or just stay static. For now just working on the air of caution or at least hoping i am. I dont know, there is so much i wish i could do for him, But it really isnt me. And i have nothing to blame myself for either, I just feel guilty he can't be as bumbly as i am. Hopefully my cheeriness can make him smile.

But plans for today is finish my room if i could ever do that, but am going to go for a nice walk with my grandmother, open up an account, maybe take her out for breakfast, and well enjoy my day off. *smiles* i know probably by noon i will crash being i woke up so damn early in the morning, but thats whats good about a day off.. ITS MINE!!!!..*giggles*

Tuesday March 27,

Yes i know it has been a week, and much has happened this past week. Unfortunately right now i really feel like shit. I think i finally got hit with a cold or something and it is going to be a bad one. My day off today and although felt a little drained and tired it isn't until right now that i really feel nasally, flushed, and have the chills. *giggles* Then again could have the chills because of the movie i just saw OMG finally got to see waxworks. I have been looking for that movie at almost every video store around here, and turns out that there is a great store not too far from me taht has every cult classic and hard to find films. *giggles* That store is definately going to be my fav soon enough. But anyway finally saw wax works and i just got so horny with the De Sade Scene. Just watching her get whipped and tied in the chains, geeze made me immediately grip unto my neck clutching on to my necklace and think warm happy thoughts of Master. *smiles*.

Geeze so much is happening and really would like to just write and write and write, but i definately need to get some sleep. so a Quick recap of this week and hopefully i will get to write about it another time. See i realized if i dont recap it now, it will forever be forgotten in my mind in a way because i myself do go back and read and reflect on the things i wrote. Plus also shows the change within me.

So to recap, we go two new cars WOO HOO, grandfather is back in the hospital probably doesnt have much more to live he has a bad fever they are treating him like shit in the hospital and someone stole his wheelchair. My mother is having great problems at work, problems with the credit cards, is starting to follow through on the bankruptcy, is strapped for cash, and well taking it one day at a time. My grandmother, well she knows how to rub things in *sighs* and make a person feel miserable, She is freaking out about the car, as well as i am even scared to drive with her in the car because i feel she is going to get into another accident the way she is driving and the way her emotions have been. My aunt and her boyfriend, I just want to shake my head at those two and not even bother. As for me, well had a WONDERFUL weekend, and well think between the snow, the weather changes, and all that, i think i am getting sick. Blahhhhh.

And well although that was the crumiest recap i have ever did, probably would have been better not to even write this entry at all, for now it is time i go to bedie by. I am exhausted. And well since tommorrow is a long day at work, and well i have to work late on thurseday night for a change. Best bet right now is to go to sleep and find my cold medicine for the morning. ooo PS do have to mention one thing. My whip i ordered through the mail finally came in. Sure it is a cheap one, but then again it only cost me a total of $12. However found myself totally fixated on it, and after watching the movie god i just want Master to whip me mercilessly, but reality check I know big baby for pain and end up hyperventillating..*sighs* no fair :(

Wed March 28

Ok, well today wasnt any better, I was drained, exhausted, and felt terribly dizzy, Screwing up like anything because i couldnt read the numbers at all at work, but everything prooved, and was fine, but even they said that i looked pale, sick and should go home and get some sleep. Well, thats just it, i am not sick but yet i think i am. Had the chills, a little feverish, but its like i am not sick. *shrugs* i dont know, i just feel terribly drained, and definately going to rest soon.

Since i am writing now and is awake might as well clarify what been happening. My grandfather is getting worst. Seems he is probably on his death bed right now. For me hate to sound heartless, but its not his death that bothers me, but it is how my mother is reacting. She took the day off today and was in tears all day. Right now she is at the hospital and i havent seen her but my grandmother was telling me how upset my mother was. I am not around people who are upset,I am really not. But if he dies, well its best for him all things considering, but...well, its just hard. The doctors want to amputate his legs being he has blood poisoning and gangreen in them. He refuses to let that happen, plus, if he is going to go anyway, might as well go with his legs, rather then without him.So its probably just a question of any day now. Any day and he will be dead.

I did get to see Master this weekend *smiles* that brought a tremendous smile to my face. Its been too long, and i have to admit the joy i get is from massaging him. I really enjoyed giving him a massage, watching the peace and joy he has by my touch, and just to be wrapped in his arms. Unfortunatly i wasnt feeling too good, but i was so excited by just seeing him, that i seemed to push it aside. A few interesting things happened some of it i wasnt even aware of. For example we were watching a movie, i was snuggled besides him, and i reached up and was stroking my collar and lock that i was wearing as we were watching the movie when a scene came on with a girl wearing a choker. Maybe deep down inside, i do feel the power of a collar. Its like with the movie wax works i was watching last night, i just clutched on to my necklace. Buts nothing but a symbol. A symbol which makes me feel like Master is always there. Its hard to explain. But I had a wonderful time and nice memories to keep me smiling through these times.

My aunt and her boyfriend, well kind of strange, her boyfriend is currently out of work for a little bit because the building he works out was terrorized and bombed the other day. *shakes head* I feel like my life is becomming a news paper Complete with all the sections. But well he hasnt talked to me at all since i cursed him out. That might be a good thing. He is out of my hair for now.

My road test is comming up..woo hoo cant wait. The only problem is no one is letting me get a chance to drive. Every time i ask the answer is always no no no no. Well when i fail it, then i know who to blame. They arent helping me. too paranoid about the new cars. Unfortunately that is the downside to having a new car, they are so damn paranoid. Bad thing is, i dont think they will ever let me borrow the car. I have to get a car of my own, desparately.

I will admit i do feel a little guilty about comming online tonight. I didnt exercise today, although i did eat healthy, had juice, and a healthy lunch, and been drinking water, took my vitamins, and hopefully under the circumstances, it will be allright. Master Gave me a new assigment which i think has been working. I have been exercising and the past two days popped in my exercise tapes and jammed away doing aerobics..*smiles*. Its been working. and well as long as i keep it up, i am sure i will be able to do it. I want to make Master proud, but most of all i want to make myself proud. To be able to look in the mirror and see how beautiful i am, and to be truly proud of my body. Truth is i have been improving on the aspect, but, it will take time. And i will work hard. I have to.

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