May 2000

May 1, 2000 (mon)

well new month..new beginning..wow..how time is going soo fast..seems like only yesterday a girl started this diary..and now is into 4th month..Today was a long day..couldnt wait for it too finally end…and well it actually did..*smiles*..work was completely dead..was no customers at all was like working in the morgue aind hnd the time dragged on and on an on..*giggles*..but a girl kept her mind busy..*smiles*...no wonder she is so happy at work..*giggles*..just kidding...

well now within the meadow..and is having some fun with her friends trying to figure out who this certain Master is...oooo..driving me nuts..hate it when people tease me in such a way..teasing should go to a certain extent..but it is when she is teased constantly..*sighs*..at home, at work, all through the years..is always been teased..oh well..funny thing is she never found out who it is..now you know why she always breaks ties with all her friends..for she has no idea..who the hell it was...but for now..got to go..woo hoo..going to make a phone call..*smiles*.

May 2 Tues

*smiles*..where does a girl begin..talked to Master on the phone last night..and we talked for about 3 or 4 hours..*smiles*..awww..loves talking to him..he makes me feel so special..and he just enlightens my world with joy..*blushes with a shudder*..and to think when he purrs..she can feel it all throughout her completely. I really do care for him..and to think about a possible meeting with him..there is so much would like to do with him.and there is so much i know he can teach me..*giggles softly*..almost makes me all warm in side thinking about it...for some strange reason have the lyrics to rent running through my mind..1000 Kisses..*smiles*..well Master is indeed a Kisser :).

well onto other things....o0(although i know i could talk about Master all day long..lol)...but today off from work..and dont have to go in till tonight..but sure enough i didnt get much sleep last night...didnt have a panic attack.that is a good sign..but..was restless..thinking of Master..*blushes*..*shrugs*..knowing me..will probably crash in another hour or so after being here..and go back to bed..but for now updating my diary a bit..*smiles*..o0(dont know what to say though..ackk)

will say this..still never figured out who MBB was..*sighs*..bad on my part and his..for now can i ever trust him again with these stupid games. oh well...at least i can be happy in my own little world with Master..funny how i am even staying out of the rooms and just being with him..*smile*

May 3 (wed)

I always wondered if people were predestined to become what they are in the future..in other words..when i was a kid..was it naturally within me to be subserviant..and lead myself into this type of lifestyle..ironically that must be the case. I was watching the kids this evening..and thinking..damn..what is going to happen to them in 10 years..One would probably say will become a homosexual if not a cross dresser..why..because of an obsession with femal forms..he's 7 years old..loves barbies is always watching me if i brush my hair..or do my nails..he is obsessed with how women dress..and always acts almost feminine in nature..i mean a kid who acts like that now..what happens when he is indeed free to choose...Then you have those kids who are monsters...mean, bullies...its funny how parents will always say their child is a darling little angel..and quick to point a finger at other bad kids..but are so blinded to see what a monster their own child is...but i just find it interesting and wonders...was i predestined to be the person i was today??

cutting the philosophy for a moment..today was an ok day..have bad cramps..and miss Master dearly..*smiles*..he really brings a smile on my face..however..dont know why..the worst thoughts have been comming into her mind..almost as if..she is purposely trying to find some fault with him..for it is too good to be true...he is wonderful..and have no problems what so ever..but now seriously thinking about what not makes him wonderful..sure one may say.that i shouldnt do this..but..it is important..for there are two sides to everyone..and i want to know him by the both good and the bad as well..god..he makes me so damn happy..*giggles*..just thinking about him even now..gets me all shuddering all over with warm tender thoughts..*smiles*

we talked for a little bit last night..*smiles*...ironically i wanted to introduce some of my fantasies to him..for i realized i never really did talk about my secret desires, my inhibitions..the things that really get me going all "hot and bothererd..*giggles*..o0(loves the way he says that)...but to tell him that..i was sort of expecting him almost not to care..dont ask me why..just thought those things wouldnt have been important to him...so when i asked him if he would like to know..i have to laugh at the way he just screamed out HELL YA!!!!..*giggles*..*smiles*..Master..i LOVE YOU :)....

well tonight..have no idea what to do..so going to read some stories..o0(oo which reminds me..have to read his story...bad me..never read it fully..ackkk..now a girl knows she is going to get all hot and bothered..lol)....was going to work on the dance..but know something..it is frustrating me a bit..because everytime i write it..i think of Gor...so i am actually keeping away from it for the time being..but eventually...my dedication of Moonlight Kisses..will be presented to Master..just need some time.

May 4 Thur

umm umm umm..*giggles*..there is so much to tell dont know where to begin...ok..well today once again i am off..woo hoo..well off from K-mart that is..still have to go in tonight..but it is nice to be off from k-mart just wishes i had sat off..*sighs*..going to be a LONGGG Day on sat..well anyway..although right now it is only 11am in the morning...a girl has been busy busy busy...Last night was a very restless night...was tossing and turning all night..*sighs*..my mind was just wandering, active...i didnt get any sleep..and waking up this morning at 7am didnt help either...was like i just watched the time fly by...so i got up..and started to clean my room..*giggles*..however did something in which i never did before..dont ask me why..but i was cleaning my room nakid..was like i wanted to truly cleanse myself of everything..giving myself a freedom..so i did so nakid..*shrugs* I will admit my room is a mess..and every day..been working on it a little at a time..throwing out a lot of my possessions i kept over the years..and facing the fact that i am not a kid..although a kid at heart..*smiles*..but there comes a point in ones life where i just had to say NO MORE..so i am getting rid of the "junk" in my room..and cleaning and making it presentable..ummm.ok..i will admit..still not done..but..eventually..a little each day..will do so..then i could do my big task..PAINTING..*giggles*..my room needs a desparate painting..plus..i have some neat stars and moon decals to add to it..to make my room truly a ray of moonlit light..*smiles*..o0(aww isnt that poetic).

Yes..i did clean it nakid..as well as slept nakid as well..there is just something about being in such a state..it awakens my body up completely..to feel the brushing of the sheets against my nipples when i move..even with every intake of breath..the littles barest movement provides a wonderful sensation...the only thing on her mind is..what would happen if i was with Master all naked warm cuddly sleeping the night away within his embace..*smiles*..awww i know my mind is awandering in a dream like state..but it is a nice thought

Do have a scary thought which almost terrorfies me..I dont know why i did it..but if anyone noticed 3 days ago i did add a counter to my diary section of my web site..i dont know..something inside wanted to know if people besides Master actually reads this...ACKKK..its true..o0(i know those of you who do read this are probably laughing at this moment that i would even address this)..but..i really didnt think anyone would take the time to read this on a day to day basis..and in only 3 days..35 people have read my site..acck wait till i finish adding my site to web rings.....that to me is a scary thought..but..might as well get even scarier..*giggles*..i am going to add a guestbook today as well..so i ask if you are reading this..please sign it..let me know what you think..*smiles*...

well this morning aside cleaning..and yes..i did give it up..cant stand it anymore..the last thing i need to do on one of my only days off is clean..so i cleaned for about 2 hours then gave up..however did do something interesting..*smiles*..yesturday at work i bought myself a bonzai....i cant believe our store sold bonzais and they were sooo cheap..only $17 and in a beautiful pot with japanese writing..oh..wanted to cry..i LOVE bonzais..i had a bonzai once and well it died after about 2 years..so hurt..so now i have a new one..spent an hours pruning it and cutting it today..very carefully making it beautiful..for some reason dont thing it has been properly taken care of ....but i would guess it is about 5-12 years old.....oh it is so beautiful..*smiles*...and i am going to try to take care of it as much as i can..*smiles*

May 5&6 Fri and Sat

well Fri was an interesting day...was the day the world was supposily supposed to end due to interplanatary alignment..*giggles*..well i am still here..oh well..*smiles*...anyway..Fri was an overall good day..*smiles*..got to talk to Master on the phone..SMILES REALLY BIG...dont know..there is just something about him which makes me really feel all warm in side..and the feelings of him and thoughts just linger on completely fufilling my day with a bright happy smile..it is almost as if it is too good to be true..is it??..i really dont know..but i dont want to wake up from this dream.

It may seem crazy..but i am at the point where i am dying to meet him..patience of course is a virtue and a girl has patience..but..there is something about Master in which i have to say he is the ONE. He just enlightens my world with joy..and to think we have only been together just about 3 weeks..and it feels like it is an enternity..*giggles*..even spoke to him 4 times already..o0(damn my phone bill is going to be high..*smiles*..but well worthed)

The only thing i do fear is displeasing him..see where with Donavin my fear was he was going to abandon me..with Master..now..my fear is just making him unhappy for i know he would never abandoned me again..o0(i know i know..i did say again..but...i am not going to consider the first time an abandonment..for it was more then just me....and note to Master..please..dont take this too personal..knows it hurts..but knows you will never abandon me..my concern is displeasing you)...well anyway..i will admit i fear that i will do something that wont make him happy..and feel almost too selfish that he makes me too happy..but i am so blind that He is just has happy as i am..*giggles*..kind of too funny..*smiles*..i feel happy just as much as he is with me..*smiles*

.o0(ummm..well..what Master is going to get in the mail has my mind a bit preoccupied..crosses fingers as she sent him a pic)...ummmm..*smiles innocently*..i know Master is the judge not me...i will learn..

Today (sat) on the other hand was a LONG day..YAWNS..i just got home from a 15 hour shift..and is tired, exhausted..and had just a terrible day.but do i let it bother me..*giggles*..ironically no...dont know why..i just have been so pleasant even the shittiest customers..and workers..dont phase me..seems like i am in my own little happy world...just dont understand why the religious fanatics bother me..they always seem to spread the word with me..giving me fliers because i am so pleasant and nice..*smiles*..well that is my natural way..*shrugs* i am a nice person..

i will admit that even now i miss Master..o0(going through Master withdrawals??)..*giggles* well at least i was able to talk to him..i love talking to him on the phone..i just wish he would not go silent..i am bad at those conversational lulls..feels almost like i am going to go through a panic attack..that is why a gag is one of my greatest fears..and that would be one of the greatest torments..is too gag me..Donavin did that to me once..punished me in a gag..and he disappeared for the day..and being in the gag silent for the day..*sighs*..i panicked completely..i was in tears..i just cant take it when it is silent...*shudders just thinking about it*...

well i have a busy day ahead of me tommorrow once again..and well it is late tonight..nothing really much has been happening things are overall well..and..even happy..got a few people to sign my guest book..woo hoo..now to actually get more...PLEASE SIGN IT..*giggles*..thank you.

May 7 Sun

YAWNS...geeze i am exhausted..and of course..have a busy day ahead of me once again tommorrow. Things today was rather well..work was busy as usual..*sighs*..dont like sundays..have too many crazy customers..and there was a fight between one of the employees and a customer..and i have to say even bearing witness to that..i am so glad it wasnt me..the guy spit in her face calling her a fucking bitch..and was about to push her..*shakes head*...but that is sunday for you..too many crazy people. Aside from that the weather is HOT...and Humid...perfect beach weather..in fact many did go to the beach today..i cant remember the last time i went to the beach..have to work on my tan..although...shhhhh dont say a word..been using the fake sunless tanning lotion and starting to get a nice golden color.

did get to talk to Master for a few mins..*smiles*..that just enlightened my night..was shocked to see him on tonight..even if it was only for a few..and read one of his poems..*giggles*..had to read it a few times at first one of the poems that was so artistic..i just didnt get it at first..but then when he finally explained it..almost like a DUHH..*giggles*..had to smack myself for that one...

well going to get going as nothing really much to say..but as a final note..did buy a few things...think a girl is spending way too much of her money on herself..but all she can say is it is about damn time..but i bought myself a nice necklace silver love beads..they are special circles which represents the unity of love harmony and peace..*smiles*..as soon as i saw it..had to grab it reminds me of Master..and wore it to day..and the little tiny circles wrapped about it...although no where near a collar..but just to me symbolically represent almost the bind i have to him..*smiles*..maybe just me overanalyzing..but it is a nice treat for me..aside from that..got a wonderful aromatherepy kit..and foot massaging kit..ooooo..just to smell the wonderful massage oils..and rubbing them in my skin...with that calming aromatic flavors..awww..makes a girl feel like she is in heaven..*smiles*..o0(i treat myself soo good..*giggles*)..smiles.

May 8 Mon

i think i am losing my mind...last night i woke up at 4am in the morning...with a panic attack..one would have thought it was because of Gor..like i used to..o0(ps no longer has those)..but was a panic attack about my wallet...for somer reason something told me i lost my wallet..I checked everywhere..my bag, my pockets, my apron...everything..and sure enough it hit me..i left my wallet at work..right near register 7..where i was ringing..ACKKK..what a nightmare..as soon as the store opened up..was on the phone with them...begging to see if they found my wallet..THANK GOODNESS..was in the office..*whew*..they found it...and they put it aside...i had everythign in there..my credit cards, insurance cards, id cards, bank cards, even my k-notes, stamps, and money...it was a nightmare..there is my whole life in that little black wallet..i even had my star watch which i bought especially since it reminds me of Master..the only thing is..*sighs*..they broke that on a girl..they must have thrown my wallet across the room or something..for the glass was cracked..*sighs*..guess a girl will have to get a new one..but just thank goodness it was found...if i lost that..i dont know what i am going to do...*takes a deep calming breath*

Aside from that work was very long tiring and hectic..it was VERY busy today..and they had me going back and forth register hopping like anything..was a nightmare..and well i know for a fact my draw is going to be off...because they never did a void i needed..but at least i have the supervisors letter..*shrugs*. I am just glad work is over ....and after tommorrow..get to have 3 days off..*smiles*..woo hoo...only downside is that means probably going to have to work a full week without a day off..and still have to go to the gym..POUTS...will i ever get a full day off???..probably not.

Well Master recieved my letter and pic...~crosses fingers with a slight cowering fear~..he did say a girl is beautiful..and with much enthusiam..*smiles*..at least that is what he left in an ICQ message..*smiles*..that was nice of him..to tell me that he is going to be a little late tonight..if i didnt think he was on by now..would have logged off..but now i know to wait for him..*smiles*..geeze..how can i not smile thinking of him...*giggles*..just thinking of him makes me smile with warm thoughts all over..and to think..soon our month anniversery is comming up..doesnt seem like a month seems like so much longer..now that is a first..usually it is seems like it hasnt been that much time...that it goes to fast..but with him..it is like...i feel totally closer to him...but do have to repeat in the back of my mind..is this too good to be true???.o0(my only warning)

well overally i am doing good..and have been putting my site in more and more webrings..hopefully this diary will get more hits...o0(wonders if i truly want it to be hit)..but..works out for the best..and plus maybe my life will somehow touch anothers and let them learn from my experiences..who knows.

May 9 & 10 (tues and wed)

well a lot of interesting things happened this past few days..and the funny thing is..i really dont want to be here writing this right now..I dont know why..in fact was logged on earlier today and just said to myself..why bother..so i logged off after just 3 mins online and went to sleep..but i think i truly did need the sleep..been exhausted lately..and these three days although going to be nice..well they are already going fast..for day one is gone.

ok..well will start with what happened monday night..did get to talk to Master..and he restricted a girl from going all the way...actually surprised he did so..and in that fact alone got me really excited..i was so hot and bothered..o0(loves that saying he has)...but..i didnt go all the way..in fact..didnt go all the way since then..didnt even do anything..and think i need it..*giggles*..but will wait till the next time i see him if he allows a girl to or not....plus...this is a sweet torment..*smiles*..and does add to my thoughts..which really REALLY have been going off the edge..i think i am totally sexually awakened with thoughts more now then i ever was..o0(truly do wonders if that is a good things)

the bad thing was that being restricted..made me go right to sleep..and now here is where the weird part comes in..had a dream of a woman in a very old car covered in blood from an accident...that she was hit..and this leads into another weird story..i was at work and i am almost a perfect casheir..ALWAYS checks rechecks and makes sure what the customer gives me is accurate and everything..but with this one customer..i just slammed the draw rather then paying attention and gave her change of $5...she said to me she gave me a 50..and the funny thing was my mind went blank at that moment and didnt remember it at all..*sighs*..i felt so bad..because they had to recount my draw and this poor woman was held up for 45 min...aside from that i couldnt do anything for 45 min..so we got into a conversation..thank goodness she was nice, pleasant and talkative...i felt like i was in tears over the hole thing..and the easy thing was i knew she gave me 50..i knew it..but something inside told me not to let her go...well in a flashback for some strange reason she was the woman covered in blood...she was the one from my dream...When that hit me..i just completely broke down..i was a wreck the whole night in fact i got a chance to talk to Master about it..but i was so damn distant..and well he had to go..*sighs*..i just hope he is not upset with me..knows he wont be..but maybe it would have been best that i didnt even log on last night..but i did and i got a chance to speak to him..*smiles*..at least he knows why a girl is so troubled...speaking of which..that is another think he is pushing is the fact that at times i use "a girl..this one, this girl...ect...He no longer wants me to use third person..only first...as you can tell from this journal alone that is going to be a tough venture..and i realize when i feel threatened, distant, upset, displeasing, or if i am treading a line of questioning which does not make me comfortable..i end up using the third person...it is just natural with me..i know going to have to change that..and eventually it will happen..but i just hope that Master is not upset..because even last night i stumbled and said a girl..and when he corrected me..i got mad rather then appologizing it or accepting it..the last thing on her mind yesturday was to make sure i am using first person rather then third...was just a really weird night.

Well i know i am not going to see Master tonight..*pouts*..but Master has his D&D night..*smiles*..i should join something like that and do something for myself for a change..there is so much i can..but you know somehthing..i have no time..i work to much..and come home exhausted..like even today..i had plans of cleaning my room..making it all nice and neat..but rather then that..i ended up sleeping the whole morning away..think i needed that badly..but at least i feel somewhat refreshed now...although..its true..i am tired..and probably going to go back to bed...tommorrow..will be a cleaning day..o0(has to be for my room is a mess.>ACKKK)

Yes i know this journal entry seems rather negative..but believe it or not..i am in pleasant sprits..jsut tired...Master did write a beautiful poem for me..which made me practically cry just reading it..*smiles*..you can see it on this site called My Light..aww....it was so beautiful..*smiles*..Master has such a way with words at times..he can bring a girl to smiles completely. Speaking of poems now is a good time to do some updating...i have a few poems which can go up there..*smiles*...will do so right after this..and please..if you are still reading this..SIGN THE GUEST BOOK..*giggles*..please???..*smiles*..

May 11 Thurs

well it was an interesting night last night..finally went to a castle firth meeting and participated and stayed through it..see usually will stick around for a few mins then go..for i still dont feel like that is home to me..and even now..*sighs*..seems as i try to lead the conversation or try to enhance the topic..get hostility ..maybe it is true..i crave too much attention..but lasts night topic hit way too close to home. That is probably one of the reasons why i wanted to stay to it so much..topic was self esteem. Sure that may be a vague one..but for a person like me who does have low self image..getting to hear what others had to say was important. Funny how it seems by the way people were talking this topic was too close to home for them too...i truly think that those who turn online and let it get to them where online is apart of their real life as well..have self esteem problems..maybe i am wrong..but there has to be something like that wrong.

One point did hit me on the head and almost slapp me in the face..in fact ironically *sighs*..i didnt get it at first..took a while to think about it..But a friend of mine who i was supposed to meet this weekend..but not because of me...because of just time..it was too soon..it couldnt happen. Now i wonder if he is mad because we didnt meet. *sighs*..I told him i needed time..and he kept pushing it off..and well i did as well..maybe it is true..i am scared to death of meeting him seriously..dont want to meet him because of fear it might ruin our relationship and friendship we have..and in thinking about that..Do we have anything?..I mean i have trusted him with my life online only..having never to see him or talk to him.o0(umm..ok..we talked on the phone once..but i think after that he just never wanted to again..because he never did call back the next day as he promised..*shrugs*..and me like a fool..actually waited for the phone call..but i dont hold it agains him). But thinking about it..do we have anything since our friendship is only online?...To me..it is everything..but maybe that is just it..means more to me then it does to him. We broke off our ties once..and not saying we are now..for i adore him..but i truly wonder if he is mad at me..for not meeting him..

in all my ramblings..just realized never said what was said last night that hit it on the nail..*giggles*..ok...he made a comment to me and said..That it is those who turn to online and when faced with the fact that the online may turn to real life..and they are not the person they are portraying to be..o0(damn..cant remember the direct quote)..point is though..it is true..i am much more outspoken, open, happy go lucky here then i am in real life..does that mean i am play acting..or that i am a phony?..NO of course not..because i am using this as a method to draw otu inner feelings, desires, wants from within and expressing it here..in which i cant do in real life. HOWEVER...because i am becomming more and more comfortable here with those things i am able to do so in real life..*smiles*. Take this journal for example..if you would have asked me to do something like this a year ago..would have said NO WAY NO HOW..UH UH.....would have been a flat out no..but now..i am more open with myself..and open with others..not afraid of what i a look like...or see myself as the hideous creature that i always thought i was. Sure i have my moments of low self esteem..but..all in all..I do not think i am a fake...and i do think i have changed..for the better..umm...who knows..but i am certainly more different then the person i was a year ago..even two years ago..o0(ackkk 2 years ago..that is a nightmare to think of)

*giggles*..umm you can probably tell by the past few days by the journal entries alone that i am off..because..they are LONG..*smiles*..but at least i am saying what needs to be said..ok..have one more thing then i will leave it be for now..o0(and to think it is only 11am this morning..have the whole day ahead of me..I am technically still under restriction...my bad..didnt ask Master how long it was for..he just said restricted for that night..but i took it until further notice..and being she didnt see him last night..well my guess is..it is still in effect...and UMMMM....DAMN.getting horny..*giggles*..shh didnt say that. I was at work last night..watching the little kiddies..and the girl wanted so badly to brush my hair again..ackk..that is like a secret desire i have..i LOVE when people brush my hair..play with it..ect..and being that my hair was so soft, nice clean and smelled like wonderful grapes..o0(new shampoo..loves it)...i let her take my brush and play with it all she wanted...OH MAN..felt like i was in heaven..the feelings sensations..ect..and the fact that i was already sexually frustrated..didnt help..o0(umm..please note..this is not a diary of a pedophile..ACKKK)...but..i just felt like a little kitten basking in the wonderful sensations of her playing with my hair..I was happy..the girl was happy..o0(who wouldnt be happy..to actually play with real hair that is pretty and soft..rather then those raggedy dolls..)..so it just was a nice experience..but comming home from work..was just so excited..and thinking of Master..ummm..well..lets just say..went to bed clutching onto my pillow once again..but was well worthed...

May 12 (Fri)

Talked to Master yesturday..*smiles*...it always leaves her with wonderful thoughts..yet also alot on my mind..and it seems this morning is no different. First off..do have to mentioned this..and this is more of the lines before the fact...*giggles*..Master gave me an assignment...and will admit at the time was more then a thought..but you know me..a girl has to ask if it is "a thought, request, or an order"..*giggles*..of course somehow always putting it that way turns it into an order..o0(hmm..wonders if that can be a case of topping from the bottom)..but either way..even if it was just a random thought or request of course me and my curious ways would do so anyhow..but thinking about it..sure has my mind wandering greatly. Ok..well the assigment is as follows..*smiles innocently*....simply..a rope undie designed by me...holding in place the benwa balls which will allow me freedom of movement..*giggles*..o0(all because they keep popping out)..happened last night when i wore them..got out of the car..POP..rolled out..and down the drive way..*giggles* So that is my assignment..and well of course..it is going to be a fun one...*smiles*..been awhile since i have done something like that.

as an aside though..i do have to admit Master is creative..umm very creative..and the frightful thought is that the more and more we get to know each other, and closer we are...the more and more "daring" things are going to become..that thought alone is soo exciting..yet scary. FOr in a sense..it is true i never really did get to see Master's dominating side..in fact..i was the one who always said he was nothing more then the romanticist..o0(umm..learning he is much more..then just that..but ohh..do love that side of him) The funny thing is..this is just the beginning..i know i have still not seen what he is capable of..or what he can do...but either way..with him is where i will go..*smiles*. But the ideas he has..*smiles*..he thought of a great torment..which not only seems fun..has me thinking of how i am going to pull this off with the resources i have..it is simply tying rope around both wrists..but at just the right length that if i try to play with myself with one hand..the other one..is pulled straight up over my head...and vice versa...*giggles*..that thought alone i felt my belly tighten completely and blushed with almost an OMG..how can he even imagine that..and how can a girl even want to do that.

*giggles*..guess you can tell we had a very pleasant conversation on the phone last night..*smiles*..always leaves me all warm and giggly after them. What is great about our phone calls is that it is more then just "sex"..he was telling me about his wonderful poems..he wrote..o0(have to say..Master is SOME Poet..he should really try to publish he has that natural ability...and it was him that first introduced me to poetry..or should say..brought it out of me). In comparison to relationships i have had before..Master absolutely wonderful..i am completely happy and on cloud nine with him..and still wondering if this is a dream. We did talk about my last relationship..and i have come to realize..it was really fucked up..just read my diary alone with those months..i was an emotional wreck..and now..*giggles*..i am nothing more then happy go lucky. Master is soo good..he knows just how to bring it out of me..

well dont want to take up too much space..because going to take a quick nap now..then wake up take a nice hot shower, shave, and prepare...those special little undies...*giggles*..then has to go to work...WOO HOO..it is going to be fun tonight..o0(THANK GOODNESS a girl is no longer restricted...WOO HOO *smiles*)

(later on this night) Have to admit when it comes to bondage i am good..*giggles*..possibly too damn good...Well right now...i am sitting here at work bored out of my mind...Friday are always boring..but figured might as well work on my journal entry..then later can type it up...*smiles*.. WEll i am sitting here almost tormenting myself in my rope undies and benwa balls..*gigglesa*..ironically i am kneeling besides a tiny baby who just so happens to be staring at me entrapped at my writings..as she is listening to barny on TV...o0(ACKK Barney should be outlawed) Actually she is probably having more fun watching the pen move across the paper then anything else..*smiles as she ruffles the little ones hair a bit watching that wonderful baby giggle*..*smiles*..I love this job...this little one is only 8 months..and a little doll...*giggles*..ok..back to what i was talking about..ROPE UNDIES..woo hoo..*smiles*.

Today i basically did something unthinkable..I went shopping at the mall like this..*giggles*..was actually an unplanned thing..my grandmother was just bored so i asked her if she would like to go shopping and she was all for it...havent been to the mall in what seems like ages..*smiles*..cranked out the cards and shopped till i dropped..And did so with my rope undies..which i have to admit i am proud of..i was able to affix it to myself in such a way that i could try on clothes in fact tried on numerous clothes, outfits, pants ect..At one point..i even tried on a nice short summer skirt made of very fine delicate fabric..and showed my grandmother..she thought it looked beautiful..yet my biggest fear was taht she would know that not only am i not wearing underwear but was wearing rope undies..*giggles*..I know I am BAD..but as Master says..bad in a good way..*smiles*

Actually i am rather proud of my work i did..*smiles*..bondage always seemed to be my real kink and well the feeling of the rope, the texture, against my skin..the knots at key points..*SHUDDERS*..ooooo...just thinking about it now is getting me hot..*smiles*...But the fact is..i used 20 feet of white nylon rope approximately a half an inch in diameter..o0(my bad..forgot the particular demensions on this rope)..but..i did it in such a way there was a knot at my clit, anus and pussy..and held the benwa balls perfect along with constant shifting clothing removal..as well as those bathroom breaks..*giggles*..I am just too good..*smiles*

Aside from that well did go shopping and spent a fortune..i know i am going to be in hock for a while..but got some great outfits..*blushes*..as well as some erotica..*giggles*..in fact did find a manual on slave training..read the whole thing just now at work from cover to cover..and well..for some reason something inside of me tells me to send it to Master..but wonders if he would take it as an insult..i just feel he would get a lot out of it..knows i did..and opened my eyes to a lot of things...i know it says slave training..but as i read it..was more of the line..training a submissive..and it was very informative..and gave some interesting ideas. Maybe i may mail it to him..*giggles*..gives me a reason to write him a letter..but will ask him first for i dont know..he just may get insulted..*shrugs* *smiles*..aww just thinking of Master brings a smile..ok..wont get into that now for i know i am taking up way too much space with this day alone and this entry.so going to end it on one last thought..then will write next time.

I did finally gained enough guts to take myself off all the gor lists..spoke to Master about this yesturday for it has been all too long since i have even read the boards..but i took a peak at them today and was almost in tears and in my anger..just erased my name from all of them..so now i am in the rightful places BDSM clubs only and going to stay like that....going to really work hard at cleansing myself from Gor for good.

May 13 Sat

Spoke with a face from the past last night...sylvi..my sister and collar mate with Donavin..*sighs*..after talking with her..i realized that he is even more of an asshole then i thought..but then again just saying that..makes me bad..I made a promise with myself that i would never become vengeful and full of hate towards him no matter how shitty he treated me..but the more and more i realise what a fool i was for ever getting into a relationship like that the more ill feelings i have towards him. But i am NOT going to be like that..there was some key points to the relationship..and those i will remember for a long time. The only thing i truly regret is lori...i did try to contact her last night being she was online just to say hello..but poor lori..so blinded she will never get away. I just think it is ashamed for we were so close me and her..o0(well i was more on an intimate level with sylvi..just never trusted lori)..but still point is..i am just surprised at what i heard last night...But i am so happy for sylvi..*smiles*..she is finally getting her life back together..and found a Master..whom i am happy she is with..yes he is Gorean..but i have met and talked to this Master before..and was shocked when i found out she is with him..*giggles*...hey even i have to admit had a thing for him one time...o0(hey..i can talk like this..he is a friend..i am happy with my Master now..shrugs..ok..i know i am guilty..giggles)..No but i am so glad she found the one who is right for her..and she seems soo happy.

ironically i think my mind is on drugs..i really thought i was supposed to be at work at 2 today..turns out it is four..but i got all ready and dolled up and was about to leave at 1:30 until i realised that i dont have to be in..DUH..*giggles*..but well ran online and figured might as well talk about what is on my mind..and seems lately there is a lot on there..*smiles*

right now i am wearing the brand new clothes i bought last night..new shoes, new pants, new shirt, new necklace..and ironically..*giggles* a new bracelet..*smiles*..i will admit never really did own or wore a bracelet before..and well i bought an 8 pack of silver bracelets in various designs..right now chose to wear 3 of them..really cute and the way they dangle and glitter in the light..so delicate and pretty..*smiles*..ok.knows i did go a little over board yesturday..umm..in fact has been going overboard all together with the spending..but i think i deserve it...these little treasures are things that i have never had before..adn to finally own something as such..*smiles*..not only does it make me feel more beautiful, pretty, and happy..i have to admit overall it is just special. Ironically though when i do buy these things..i think of Master. In other words i think would i look good in this..would he approve if he was standing right there..and if in my heart says yes..i get it..if not..then i put it down..it is almost as if i am shopping for him..more then myself..but it is actually making me feel 100% better..*smiles*

I did finally get an invite to the SA Hall..~pokes Master For that one~..*giggles*..been too long..and well i read the back posts that Master has done..and all i want to say is awwwwww...when he wrote about me just brought a big smile to my face. I did want to write something in reply..but you know something..have no idea what to write...i tried to 5 times..but erased them all...because it is true..the Slave auction doesnt feel like home anymore..and i have no idea who any of those people are..so i feel kind of awkward writing something..but who knows..may come to me in time....

I hope maybe i can be able to see Master this evening..i wanted to last night and i was up the whole time but we had a lightening storm and was knocked out off line..in fact..my friends who i was talking to and really had a good time talking to..i feel so bad they thought i was angry at them and left...*SIGHS*..hates when computers go down...but..hopefully they will understand...but..i know Master was on last night for i did get the invite to the club..which means i just missed him..awwwww too bad..but hopefully if he is not too tired..he can be on tonight..*smiles*. I will probably be on..since i am always doing something here..even if it is only for a few mins..just want to say i LOVE YOU Master..face to face..*smiles*

well just got back from work...and although tired also overtired..cant sleep. The customers were nuts.that is nothing new..*giggles*..but i kept my cool..and well treated myself nice considering..everything i have is going over to family bills since they need help this month..i decided to make something special for myself and finaly found a satin robe..ooooo..and wearing it now..*smiles*..loves this material..it is one of those japanese style robes..what do you call it..komono or something..but it is really nice..*smiles*. Tommorrow is mothers day..and sure enough i get stuck working..but my mother is taking my grandmother fishing..YUCK..what kind of mothers day present is that?? but guess it is a tradition..being they both love fishing..every mothers day they go out on a boat and fish...but honestly dont know how that is going to be..considering right now it is raining, thundering and lightning so badly there is a tornado warning in effect...and well i am just waiting for my computer to crash again like it did last night...but hopefully i can write this before POOF.

well it also looks like Master is not going to be on..oh well..was hopping to catch him tonight..but will see him monday. and that will be even more special..*smiles*.

May 14, 2000 Sun (mothers day)

well today is that special day dedicated towards the loved one who gave birth to us..Yes its mothers day..and of course i had to work. *sighs*..but at least it wasnt that bad tonight..just a LONG day as usual.

was thinking of a few things tonight...i spoke to my father on the phone..and well a year ago today he found his mother dead in the bathroom..she died right on mothers day..and well wonders how he is taken it..knows he is not doing too good considering he is also losing his house that he and his family owned for well over 40 years..and now he is forced to find an apartment. I will get to see him this week for he is comming over and spending the night here to spend some time with me and my mother..but..what can i say about my father..he is a cross addicted former alcholic..who now uses every depression medication on the market..and is just constantly depressed. But he is comming over..and of course..comming over to tell me bad news..thank goodness my mother warned me..he didnt want her to tell me..but she did anyway..and the story is he is stopping his monthly support that he gives me..*sighs*..that is not going to be easy..i relied on his money to support not only me..but my mother as well. and he is stopping it now. Sure it is true i am old enough where i am not obliged to recieve money from him..but the fact is..he never gave my mother a dime for over 9 years of me growing up as a child..and because of that..my mother is in hock with her credit card bills in fact she is in so much debt it is not even funny. But now he is stopping my support and just so happens doing so when my new loan kicks in..*sighs*..and of course...i am hte only one helping my mother out..my aunt who doesnt do a damn thing is doing nothing but free loading in this house. but not even going to get into that. So..well things are going to get tight..but too look on the bright side..i truly did make my mother smile this evening.

i bought my mother and grandmother gift certificates at my store..and i bought my mother lipstick, cream..and gave her two tickets to Rocky Horror Picture Show..*giggles*..was going to save it till her birthday...but decided to do it tonight and she was sooo HAPPY..*smiles*..gave me a big hug and a kiss..and was shocked...with a smile. See i got seats for Halloween night October 31 to Rocky Horror Picture Show play which is going to be at the theater. Not only is it the opening night as well as Halloween Night i also got seat third row center..*giggles*..cant get any better then that..so i am totally happy..*smiles*..and she was too. As for my aunt..well i thought about what she gave me for Easter..NOTHING..so that is what she got this evening as well..plus it is mothers day..she is not my mother. I know..i am stooping just as low as her level..but i am sick and tired of the things she does at time..i did..just as what she does to me.

Well not really much to say..misses Master greatly and truly does hope he is doing well..because well it is mothers day..and this may be a sensitive day for him..hopes he is alright. But i hope to see him soon...maybe monday...umm..hopefully monday.

May 15 Mon

I should be writing about how good my day is and how happy my day is..unfortunately that is not the case..rather i am completely in tears not because i am upset but i am SICK. *sighs*..find it a common trend i am always sick. Then again it is what i am exposed to that makes me sick. But this time it is not sick as in cold or flu..no..this time it is even worst..i think it may even be food poisoning i dont know. But last night i had chocolate milk..and well think for some reason it didnt agree with me..Have been throwing up, and liquid is comming out of all ends....i know i hate to be so graphic..but i lost 12 lbs in water weight alone compared to last night and today. I cant even drink anything and knows i am completely dehydrated..if i have some water i get sick. *sighs*..and well right now i am just in tears with a splitting headache. Dont even know why i am crying. But i took the day off and is just trying to relax..i know i know i should be in bed right now..but i have been sleeping..or should i say trying to sleep all morning.

Today is monday..which means i may be able to see Master tonight..or did he say tuesday...geeze my mind is shot..hopefully i will get to see him tonight..although wishes i was up to speed..but maybe after a nice long nap and relaxation i will be my normal bumbly self in no time. *sighs*.o0(i hate being sick)

I wonder how this is going to effect my review..in 3 days i am up for my 3 month review at work..and seems i called in sick 4 days..ackkk...what a nightmare. But this is genuine..*sighs*..i am a really good, hard worker and always tries my best...but i know..K-Mart is a dead end job for me..and to think i was training to become a genetic engineering major..and really had a future ahead of me..but now i feel like i am getting in the dead end zone..WOW..have to admit being sick is making me sound pathetic and depressed.

Ok..Brighter things..*smiles*..have been having some nice thoughts..and been reading those materials that i bought...*smiles*..i love going shopping..so many nice things and been taking advantage of the clothing and stuff i bought...but it is nice to have the stuff now..*smiles*..o0(ok..i am rambling and have no idea what to say so going to keep it here for now)

May 16 Tues

Going to work...BAD IDEA...*sighs*...still have a bad headach and just completely felt drained and weak...But went anyway..no one said anything to me..and just let me be..then again i was just left alone in the cigarette counter stacking up boxes and boxes of cigarettes..and well overall just tired and well didnt eat anything till now..o0(umm..bad idea..sighs)

overall things are going well...slept a lot yesturday..in fact slept the whole day...think i needed it..but still feel exhausted..*giggles*..at least i did get tucked in by Master..*smiles softly*..wont see him tonight..and probably not tommorrow...hopefully will see him soon..misses him greatly. But other then that not much has been happening..things have been good..o0(give me a pat on the back first time the entry is short..lol)

May 17, 18 Wed Thurs

Eating dinner last night..BAD IDEA..ackk.....blahhhh...havent really eaten anything the past few days in fact if i recount what i had..you would probably think this is a diary of an anerexic..*sighs*...but since i was feeling better..and stomach wasnt giving me too much trouble thought having a little sandwhich would be all right....well my night was spent in the bathroom..and right now..i completely sent myself away from my family eating breakfast because the smell alone is getting me nauseus..no food for me today..BLAHHHH. Ok..onto lighter topics..because it is more then obvious that i am really sick.

*smiles*..i did get to speak to Master yesturday..*SMILES*..all i wanted to do was JUMP into his arms and snuggle against him...i know i was probably not up to my normal bumbly self...but..just those few moments with him...made me smile all night. And greatful he got the message in ICQ..*smiles*..see as i said my father did come over..in fact he is still over..spending some time with me and my mother...and i told Master that i set the computer so it will scream if he comes on through pager..but i know he never does go on through pager only ICQ..and i would have never heard him..sure enough i heard a scream from upstairs..came running down..and saw Master on..*smiles*...awww i was just soooo happy. missed him sooo much.

Master is doing good..he got new job..and is finally back to work..so happy for him..and well we were talking about my job..*sighs*..he is right..i am too good to be doing what i am doing..i mean..geeze i am working about 60 hours a week..and making...pennies..my pay check is absolutely nothing..and why is that..*sighs*...because of the job at the gym. I make nothing there..but yet am there every day. Although i did tell them to pull me off Saturdays..i cant deal with these 15 hour shifs on Saturdays. But still the point is..i make only 5.25 an hour..YUCK...that is pathetic...and yes..there are still people.o0(like me)..making minimum wage. The problem is i love the job. I love working with the kids to see their smiling faces to play with them..and talk about pokemon..to rent movies and have some snacks with them..and just to watch them grow before my eyes..i have been there for almost a year now..and to see how those whom i had last year...grow and learn...watching the babies go from no movement to crawling to standing to walking..*giggles*..it just warms my heart to see that..and i truly do love working there. But i know i cant survive there..and well K-mart...although yes did get a raise today..after all..been there 90 days..K-mart is a job to end my sanity..that is why i have the balence of the gym. .o0(sighs i should go back to school..but lost my chances for now until i can get money saved up).

OMG..*giggles*..in all my delirium..FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING...Damn....and i knew it this whole time..just never crossed my mind speaking to Master yesturday..*SIGHS*..aww i hope he is not upset..but i knew about it..TODAY is the 18...*smiles*...3 things happened the 18..and 2 would only like to remember....the 18th was the day..started K-marts 3 months ago....was dumped by Donavin 2 months ago...and FINALLY..*Smiles*...was collared by Master for one month :). WOW time goes so fast..but yet seems so much longer then a month. Oooo...did have something that Master said that made me smile. Since he has his job..he can save up money to come see me..*smiles*..ok ok ok...i am quiet on that topic..*smiles*.o0(see my philosophy is..he gets here...and helps pay for lodging..i got the rest covered...knows it is not going to be now..but..if i am going to dragg him around NY..after he already paid for hotel and airfare for himself..i might as well do the paying..ummmm..*shrugs*..who knows..but knows this is talking to far in advance..more like months in advance)...HAPPY ANNIVERSERY MASTER..*smiles*

have two more things to say then i will finally stop for today..*giggles*..1)for the first time being that i am sick wearing underware..ACKKK..havent worn any in about 2 years..feels like i am wearing a diaper..a thin cotton undergarment feeling soooo..YUCK..ok...and 2).wow..i really think i am on drugs..good thing i reread this months diary to myself..i realized by accident on about 6 days put the month April rather then may...YIKES..but it is May..this month so have to get April out of my mind.

May 19 Fri

Well have to admit today finally feel 100% better..*smiles*..although still dehydrated and constantly breaking out in a cold clammy sweat..i feel GREAT. Smiles..was able to eat a little something..o0(hope i am all right tonight)..and well..everything is well..*smiles*

Yesturday was my 1 month anniversery with Master..umm..it is funny never dawned on me that 1 month means anything..but..it is a special occasion nevertheless...but just knowing that i am his.is more enough for me. I did send him a nice little naughty card..*giggles*..hope that brings him some pleasant thoughts..and wished him a happy anniversery..but i have to admit i miss him greatly. *POUTS*..i know i will see him too..but i dont mean to be selfish or anything and dont expect to be with him 24/7..for i know he works..and well i work a lot as well..but..just really miss him..and was thinking of ways that maybe we can tie things together so a girl doesnt have to miss him too much. Then again..that is selfish of me isnt it?..To constantly want some form of contact. He has my address..thought he would send a postcard..or something..i did send him my pic..o0(umm ok..knows this is a poor attempt to get him to do things considering he is going to be reading this anyway..*SIGHS and shuts up*)...

OK..i did get to go out FINALLY..tonight..*smiles*..cant remember the last time i went out and just had fun..o0(umm..not counting the shopping excursions i have)...But i went to Las Vegas Night here at the local church..*giggles*..GAMBLED the night away..woo hoo *smiles*..o0(lost everything though POUTS)..but had a blast..*smiles*. My Favorite casino game is definately roulette..just love it completely...and played that the whole night consentrating on certain numbers each which have a significance in my life...18, 16, 26, 33, and 27. Just stuck with those and sees what happens...and well although i lost..at least i didnt come home empty handed..just didnt come home on the plus side...but all in all..just needed the night out..needed to get away..and needed to have FUN..*smiles*

Umm..will say one more thing before i leave...since i was feeling better today..just so happens also felt VERY excited..dont know why was at work..and well my bad..was reading the new story of O..it is a remake of the original..and well..got me really excited..o0(good thing fridays are DEAD..*smiles bite my lips looking really innocent*)..*shrugs*..giggles..

May 20, (Sat)

Well i am in a creative mood..*giggles*..just heard about a new contest that has me all hot and steamy..and i just want to go for it...it is an essay contest on HOW i Masterbate..woo hoo..have to take place in that one...have 8 days to write something and send it in..*smiles*..plus the winner gets $250 shopping spree to a sex shop..woo hoo..have to enter that..can use some gadgets and gizmos..*smiles*

Things have been well..all right i guess..i feel much better..no more tummy problems..*smiles*..i can now hold food although minimumly..been eating light..and well now that i lost a lot of weight due to dehydration and stuff..going to try to keep it off..*shrugs*..o0(i know..not a lot that is going to help..but have to start somewhere) Work was hard this evening..rough day and i feel like i am going crossed eye..why..because no scanner..DAMN...i have to type in those 16 digit UPC on EVERY SINGLE ITEM..that is a nightmare..but is noticing that my typing and speed has improved so much right now..*giggles*..think i am going for the world record on how fast one can get carpel tunnel sydrome. But overall work is well.

The funny thing is not too sure what to say..*giggles*..nothing really has been happening..had a great time last night at vegas night..and with my creative spurts been writing a lot...in fact have a really long poem that i am just sooo excited about..*smiles*...so going to post that one up after this..*smiles*

well one last final note..MISSES MASTER..ackk...cant wait to see him..hopes to see him soon..misses him greatly..but other then that doing well..and i think i am going to work on that contest as well..*giggles*..maybe some ummm..hands on may help as well..*smiles with a blush*

May 21 Sun

Well have to say today was an interesting day at work. I was witnessed to security beating the hell out of a shop lifter...they ended up breaking the guys nose and wrist..as well as while he was in the office with the police pressing charges..he shit in his pants..the officers had to lead him out with garbage bags..YUCK...*shakes head*..well another exciting day at k-mart....but most of all i am just really tired..was a very long day today..and well they were NOT fair with my breaks today..:(..

onto more important things...last night talked to Master..*smiles softly*..in fact he left me smiling greatly..but also left me with so much to think about..GOD..he had me so hot and bothered last night..and well..i wonder at times..what it would really be like to be with him..if i am doing things right..maybe i am a little to closed off..yet so opened at times. I have to try to truly learn to say what i feel is natural.and truly do speak my mind..but i find it hard to say what i feel like saying what my inner most desires and feelings are within..Why do i fear it so at times..he is the last person i should fear..but yet..there is shame, ignorance, fear, and most of all displeasure..o0(ok Master..i know slap it out of me..but..its true)..Maybe i am indeed tired tonight...For i had such a good time with Master last night..*smiles*.in fact just recalling what happened..*blushes*..i really never phoned in such a way..more of the lines both recieving pleasure..rather then just one sided..The only thing i truly wish was walls not having to be so thin..kind of hard to let yourself go completely at whim with your family in the next room..*giggles*..but all in all..had a WONDERFUL time with Master..*smiles*..missed him greatly and just to hear his voice..and hear how happy, pleased, excited..and to just hear those three simple words...*shudders*..just makes me warm inside completely.

May 22 (mon)

*sighs*...i have so much to say dont know where to begin..some of it is wonderful news other is shitty news...so might as well start with the bad..this way i can end off good after i write this..

well my family right now is in a little uproar over a little fact...OMG it is a scandle..i sleep NAKED..have you ever heard of such a thing?..*sighs*...my grandmother..decided to just barge in my room..no knocking no nothing..and found out that i sleep naked...WOOPDY DOO..big deal...and well now they had a "sit down talk" with me..*shakes head*..not even going to get into that...just how can i explain how i feel to them..my whole family is so sexually restricting it makes me sick. There backward thinking is that even Masterbation is the upmost sin..kind of funny they would have a slut like me..huh?? aside from that...i worked all day today..am hot sweaty and tired..and my bra was hurting me..so i took it off..i am wearing a shirt..anything wrong with taking it off???...SCANDLES....*shakes head*..they were so quick right away to point out that i am not wearing a bra..*SIGHS*.

ok..enough of family..because i am tired of them anyway..o0(and yes..it is true i am exhausted today...worked 11 hours..but also had to walk to work..*sighs*..just a long day..).....ok..Now onto good news..*smiles*

I got published in a web site DineatDM's..*smiles*..decided to write to them and give them my poem Many sides of O..and got a letter back and it is now a new addition to the web site..*smiles*...i also send them a few other poems just now...but gives me an incentive to write some more..woo hoo..so excited..*smiles*..but i do have to work on that Masterbation essay..kind of hard...and only have a few more days..it is like its great to think about but every time i try to write it..doesnt work....but i will get it..

Do have to say that talking to Master was really really nice..*smiles*..in fact even now thinking of him..he brings a smile to my face. I know i seemed kind of negative in the previous post about fearing him..but it is true..i am scared..not of him..but scared of the fact that i would displease him..as well as scared of accepting my innermost desires at times. Being openly sexual is not a Sin..it is not the devils work trying to draw me into the pits of hell..*sighs*..o0(i did say i wasnt going to talk about Family)

I do wish Master was on now..would have loved to just curl up next to the phone relaxing in bed..hearing his nice voice..and having a nice conversation..*smiles softly*...actually was thinking about somethign the other night..i wonder how he felt when he asked about what i was wearing. See it is true i do sleep naked..and well when i called him up the other night..i was naked. but in thinking about there is more then one reason i was nakid..My former Master always taught me to be naked and ready for him..and yet with him..it wasnt until he finally ordered me to be unclothed that i would have ever did something like that. Master now..never ordered me in such a way..but yet for him..i called him up completely nakid and vunerable..and it was talking to him..normally in that type of situation that awakened sensations completely..then when we finally did talk on a sexual level..Forget it..was completely horney..but also ashamed as well...sighs...I am not upset tonight..in fact i am fine..but guess it is more then obvious i am truly exhausted. Thinks these hours are catching up to me. but i am going to wait just a little bit longer..for i am not too sure if Master said that monday nights he would be off..or tues..and if i see him..great..if not...then another time.

May 23 (tues)

*smiles*..got to talk to Master last night..well online at least..he was very tired..can understand how he feels..getting back into the swing of things at work...makes ones body tired..hopes he comes on tonight..because i have to admit i am so damn horny right now it is not even funny...*giggles*..ummm..i didnt admit that..*smiles*..but just so happy to get a chance to talk to him..and hope he can pop on tonight.

well things have been going well..actually got an email from the guy at dine at dms..*smiles*..he wants to get to know me a bit..he is nice..but..talk is only on friendly terms. Just think it is cool what he did with my poem..and just so happy to see it up there. Who knows maybe i can contribute more..*shrugs*..ooo that reminds me..have to work on that essay..now is a perfect time..i am so horney will give me something to do.

other then that..work was ok..had a short day today nothing much happened..and well i am off tommorrow..woooo hoo :) so i am happy..sure i will spend tommorrow cleaning my room then i have to go to the gym..so really no a day off..oh well.

May 24 (Wed)

well finally got a partial day off..woo hoo..feels like forever since i had my last day off..and um..going to probably be forever since my next..although *smiles*..i do get sunday off..YIPPIE.

things have been rather well...think i met someone new to talk to..i know..kind of ironic..but the one at DMS...have to admit he is really nice..answers my questions..and we seem to be having a race back and forth with emails..*giggles*.i know it is no big deal but in a sense..makes me feel like i dont need yahell to find someone nice..that i can find them other places. It is true..i am getting to the point where i am just sick and tired of the room crap..It doesnt feel like home anymore. I am banned from Gor. I basically have no friends..there is nothing to do..although do have to admit the weekly meetings at CF have been helping but that is just it..half the time i cant even stay up to participate..hopefully i could tonight.

dont ask me why..but for some reason i almost feel upset about Master..maybe it is just the mood i am in. But what is in my mind is..where is this going to be going?? Sure i want to meet him..sure i would just love to be wrapped in his arms, holding, kissing, and loving him..and yes i want to submit to him completely fully totally in every which way. Finally yeilding to the one whom i call Master. But can i?..I dont know. It is almost like i ache and yearn to be the submissive i am within my head real life..that i am forgetting if i am that person???? I was thinking about what a friend of mine said at the CF meeting..and well has me thinking a little too much now. Am i nothing more then a fake? someone who cant live up to the standards that she portrays herself here?

I mean take this whole complete site i am writing about myself..DAMN..must make me look like a complete and total slut. but yet all in all i am very modest..just at the point of sexual frustration i guess. Maybe that is why i am a little down about Master. Sexually frustrated..and the funny thing is he gives me the freedom to do what i want, when i want, how i want. but yet even then i am still a little upset. With donavin i was given no freedom...with Master i am giving too much freedom. but just saying that..who indeed is the one in control...*sighs*....me once again..for rather then accepting the control that the Masters give me. I am complaining arent i?

Well no one ever said long distance relationships were easy..only problem is..seems like that is all i seek out is LD...one time i did put out a personal ad seeking out a bdsm Master within my local area..found a great guy..but do you think i persued it..no i didnt..o0(well age was a big factor to me at the time..but what the hell i have been going with guys far older then me this whole time) But maybe a certain person was right i cant live up to what i portray here..*SIGHS in almost defeat*..I do sound like i am giving up dont i...questioning who i am what i am. well i do have to be going to work soon. Gives me time to straighten my head up..and work on that essay..*giggles*...I know i know..i have been trying to work on it all week..but i WILL get it done tonight..*smiles*..plus gives me something nice to think about.

May 25 (Thurs)

YAWNS..i have to admit i am utterly exhausted...dont ask me why..but it is almost as if it jsut hit me tonight..and i am knocked out. Then again my mind has been racing away like anything over a few things.

Last night i had a dream..and to me dreams are very important and have very strong symbolic meanings..but my dream was i was with Master..and we were scening into a heavy scene..when i took some rope..tied him up..completely binding him...he was almost questioning me with fear as to what i was doing..So i slapped him across the face so hard that blood came gushing out of his lips..it was then i kissed him..mingling the blood and sensations in a sweet kiss..after withdrawing in the silence and looking to him with almost a blank stare..I blew up all my inner rage, hate, to him..by taking a whip and beating the hell out of him completely...beat him so much that he collapsed weak in a black out dazed. And what was my driving force..my driving force was in my heart i felt he was nothing but a weak son of a bitch and i beat him to try to make him stronger. *SIGHS*..Its not much having a dream like that..but it is also the fact of admitting to not only myself..but now..to him that type of dream is on my mind as well..I mean how is he going to feel reading this..or listening to this. Sure it is just a dream..but that left me with such a bitter feeling that i would hurt him in such a way..*SIGHS*

I love him dearly and to have a dream like that..I dont even know what to say. But it is also making me think of my past relationships..what went wrong with them..what the problems were with them..what the problems are with him is now. I know i shouldnt be looking at problems..i should be focusing on the good things of the relationship..and dont get me wrong there are many wonderful things about it. He makes me happy, he gives me warm happy thoughts..to think of him..gives a lingering happiness within. To hear him talking on the phone the excitement, the happiness, whatever he has to say. All those things and so much more he gives me...are wonderful...but yet i have to ruin it with things like this.

Maybe it is just me feeling sorry for myself..but i was at work today with the kids..and i just got up to the point where i was practically in tears. I was having a conversation with one of the kids about the importance of education, going to school and working. He was asking me so many questions and was so curious and innocent. Of course he has no understanding or clue about college, bills money ect..but the point was in thinking of my situation...damn look at me..i work approximately 50-57 hours a week...only make $5.15/hr at one job...and $6.75/hr in the other job..Have no benifits..only part time..bust my ass completely and is one of the hardest workers..who just works beyond what is expected of me..and the problem is i Love it. I am the happiest casheir at K-mart although even i will admit it is a fucking hell hole to work there..but to work with the customers..to serve them..make them happy. To give all i have so that they can go hom with a good feeling. That is the driving force behind me. That is what i find so pleasant about my job. And what about my other job. One may say that i am the one in control that i lead and direct children by watching over them..but what am i actually doing..I am getting paid to make THEM happy. I play with them, talk with them..yeild to their every wants desires..i help them when they need it..serve them if needed with simplet things..helping them tie their shoes, whiping their face if they get too messy eating cookies..even helping them color within the lines and make their stay pleasant. God Damit I am a fucking slave to life. Am i angry..No..i am not...just tired and frustrated. I do so much..yet get so little. *sighs*..I know I know..i am feeling sorry for myself this evening. You know what the sick thing is..for some reason tonight i dont even want to speak to Master...~gently wipes a tear away~..I know he is going to read this and probably want to strangle me. But at this time..when i should be looking to him for comfort, i am walking away..not even giving him the inch to help me through this..and it is not that he is not here at this moment..for even if he was here..i would just wrap myself within his arms..and say absolutely nothing.

in fact even now..have no idea what to say..am speechless. the only question i have is..am i a fake..is that all i am...just a dream..just a persona of fiction?

I even recieved a letter from the guy at DMS..he is nice to talk to..but for the first time out of no where he called me tay. Why?..is that who i have become nothing but tay. Tay the gorean slut who was a trained red silk and lead a lie?...Tay the girl who was stripped of everything..and wasnt even given a chance by a Master whom she loved, or thought she loved. Tay the one who is nothing more then a shadow in the cities of dust. Tay is dead and bury..Gor is dead and bury..but why is it that i am so upset then?? I know i know..with each passing paragraph i am getting even worst...what i need is Sleep...lots and lots of sleep..unfortunately this weekend is going to be crazy hectic and busy.

Special note to you Master..please i beg of you..if you read this..just take it as it is for tonight..and for get about it..this is just one of my mood swings..and just probably happens to be a bad one. Disregaurd this entire entry if possible..for remember..even with these entries..i am cleansing my soul..and closing or mending a wound that is within it at a given time..doesnt mean..the next time i will be like this as well.

May 26 Fri

Well once again i am truly exhausted. Is it work that is getting me in such a way..or just iam tired of everything?..well probably a combination of both..I looked in the mirror earlier..and realized i look like a ghost..My skin is pale, white and just withdrawn. AND DAMNIT..i am still getting grey hair. Too young to be going gray. *shrugs*..but seems i am another statistic of female going gray...All i have to say is why me?

Adding another chapter to how messed up my family is..*shakes head*..wondering if i should even say it..but going to anyway. but they picked me up 30 mins late from work..had me waiting and waiting when i just wanted to get home..just wanted to go home and stop the work..and relax a bit..but i waited..finally getting to the point of frustration where i just decided to walk home..it wasnt until my aunts bf found me down the road he picked me up...But why did they not pick me up what was the reason?? My grandma called the fucking cops because next door's children kept comming in the yard to retrive the ball that went over the fense. *SIGHS*..fuck that. I am not even going to get into that..but god damit..calling the cops on a 4 year old for retriving a ball????..She can never leave well alone can she?...enough of family for they piss me off anyway.

did talk to Master a little bit last night. i dont know i felt shamed, upset..but with him how can i ever stay upset...just talking to him a few mins although i was in tears..he turned my tears into laughter and smiles....by the end of the conversation i was just in a pleasant mood..and just glad he was there. No one has ever done what he was able to do..just truly make me smile. and yet i feel guilty..he is so good to me. i am ashamed that i could get that way..and he brightens my world completely. The hardest part of the night..and even now as i think about it..is when he asked me if i think if he is weak? at that moment i really couldnt answer that..maybe because at that moment i just wanted to scream out YES..i wanted to say you are weak..you are..but..*sighs*..that is not true.I know it is not true..but why did i doubt myself..for it was me that was weak. I was the one at my weakest point and try to place the blame on him. He ended up giving me an assigment. Write a poem about my feeling yesturday. I dont even want to call it a poem. I just wrote my thoughts and mailed it to him..well you can read it as well if you wish..i call it assigment or poem in my poetry section. For some reason..although was just random choaotic thoughts within my mind in a strange sense it was poetic. but i just left it as it is. I know he will probably comment on it.

Well today was a long day work wise. Possibly too long..leaving me drained..and this weekend is going to be crazy..being it is the holiday weekend. Going to be hectic..espeically if it rains which i heard it is..*SIGHS*..why couldnt it be beautiful beach weather?? instead fools are going to be shopping at k-mart. Well at least now that i am passed the 3 month stage i am eligeable for time in a half..and since i am working from 1-10:30 on the holiday..that is going to be a VERY nice Day..*smiles*

May 27 (sat)

YAWNS..wow i am exhausted...work was long, drawn out and left me looking disgusting..family even says i should get to bed..have blood shot eyes..look drawn in..and just overall in bad shape. only thing is..wishes Master will just pop on for a few moments. I miss him dearly and knows he is off..and well i am off tommorrow..then again..he is probably just like me on my day off..sleeping away in a nice slumber..dreaming of warm happy thoughts. *smiles*..

well a lot has happend...I had a fight with those whom i thought were good friends..but whom am i kidding..i knew these people for months if not years..and it just seems the meadow was spirling downward..and like me with Gor..it came to a crashing halt with a stupid fight. A wanderer came into the room...and what got me upset is that they all deemed him a troll. that hurt me..why because when i wander around..eveyrone ignores me, dont even have the common decency to say hello..and just overall the rooms are filled with cold people who want nothing more then their cliques..and that is what the meadow turned out to be one big clique. *sighs*..i should have known..for even me i was breaking away from them. But it got me upset the way they were treating him..and in openly defending him..well i got clicked. So be it. But now..i am truly alone. I do have no one. There is absolutely nothing here for me is there?.

All i have is Master..and honestly i should be saying to myself that is all i need, just him and me..for he makes me happy. But just..now i feel almost used, abused taken advantage of. I seemed to have lost almost everything i held dear to me. Will i lose Master as well?..just thinking of that is upseting. maybe i am indeed a bitch. But what else is there in yahell for me?

well onto brighter subjects if that is possible. Tommorrow i finally get a day off...woo hoo..knows i am going to be spending it sleeping and cleaning..but at least i got some time to myself...and i needed it..i know when i go to sleep i am going to be knocked out completely and just enjoy my time.

well that seems to be the problem right now...have really nothing good to say..*sighs*..i guess i am just tired..and it doesnt look like Master is going to come on tonight..oh well. Hopes to see him tommorrow..but understands if i dont. Wonders how he is going to react to the email i send him. Send him both the scrolls of the fight..as well as the poetry/assigment he gave me. If anything i think i just would like a big hug and a kiss from him and just here those three special words he always says too me...but that will have to wait.

May 28 (sun)

well today was an interesting day..*smiles*..although i was off i spent most of the day online. And i opened the enchanted forest..Masters room being i was just so depressed...For the first time it was truly full of talk..*smiles*..it was so refreshing and nice..i had a wonderful time..the topics were so broad..and it was a full room..we talked about switching, bdsm vs gorean serving, low self esteem, dominants and poetry, room etiquette..I just never really thought that people can talk like they did..*smiles*...

knows this is going to be a short entry but overall was a great day..and left me with a good feeling..now if only Master would come on. Would make the day 100% better..*smiles*

May 29 Mon

umm..happy Memorial Day..well i dont have much time to really write..although i am going to try to make this meaningful. I have been realizing that i have been writing more of this this thsi this happened..but really have not been delving into my feelings that much. Going to try to change that now..try to get more the to root of how i feel within.

I do have to say last night really was refreshing to actually have the room opened and people talking. reminds me of the good old days in yahell when something like that happened every night. going to try to keep it opened more often. Plus who knows..may get to meet new faces new crowds..ect...I do have to say though i have been enlightened on a few things. made me truly think about my current situation. I realize i am just existing right now. I am not taking any risks,,i am just living my day by day working and chatting. For right now there isnt anything else for me to do..not because there isnt..but because i am not letting it happened. I cant lead the life of my family..and its true i am going to have to start looking out for myself. Not going to be easy..but little changes will help each day.

As for my family..i realized that they are undergoing a wicked form of power exchanging relationships...particularly i am refering to my aunt and her boyfriend. They have been together for a year and a half. And just the relationship alone is a sick one. I know who am i to deem what is sick or not..but it made me wonder what draws the line between consensual abuse, non-consensual abuse and slavery. I probably shouldnt be thinking of that..but in other words..is abuse consensual? After viewing their relationship and the stupid fights they have...i do believe abuse is consensual. Those that want to be abuse allow themselves to be. I know just saying that is going to probably cause and uproar in thinking. But i in a sense have been through it myself. With Gor, my Father during his drunken phase when i was a child, backwards relationships..and most of all cruelty of peers and experiences that happend to me throughtou my life. It leads me to wonder if those who are abused are in a sense wanting it..or asking for it?? In a sick way..i even had a talk about this last night..that at times i wish for Master to just take total control..not all the time..but every now and then i just have the desire for him to be the strict Master totally dominating in every way and treating me like a slave. But he wont do that..why..because he knows that not only am i better then that. Doing that is not him..that would be just a front, a wicked persona. Yet i am so blind as that i crave for this...maybe that is why i was attracted to Gor so many times...Although in my heart i knew i could never be a kajira..i could never be the slave that they want in Gor..but does that mean i was not Gorean?..does that mean in my heart the Goreans ways doesnt live within me. Funny thing is..i will now admit and truly call myself Gorean..yet..is that just another excuse..now that i am banned from Gor, unwelcomed by those who dwell in Gor...and even my Master doesnt allow me there. but what excuse am i making to myself..claming finally that deep within i felt Gorean..but..yet..I am not.

back to my aunt and her boyfriend for i know i went way off track on that one. But the point is..she abuses him completely.. Calls him names, calls him worthless, stupid, that he is not fit to even be her boyfriend..that he should just kill himself..I mean GEEZE..what the hell is he doing with someone like my aunt. And yet what does me and my family do??..remain the silent partners...allow her to treat him as such without saying a word..hear no evil, see no evil. What did i do..i totally detached myself from my aunt and him completely. Kind of ironic huh..considering living under the same roof and i dont talk to my aunt at all?? I am just sick of her free loading..She is a person who will go through 30 jobs a year..trying to find the one that pays $15 an hour...and will quit after only 2 weeks on the job..because..oooo there is someone in the work place she doesnt like. DAMNIT.i have people at my job i hate..you think that lets me get down??..As well as the fact i get paid shit for the work i do.

You know what the amazing thing is..that she actually finds the jobs...she is able to get jobs that i would dream for..that has excellent salaries, benifits galour and a great working enviroment..but yet..she causes so many problems and quits. IT IS SICKINING..and the sad part is..she owes my mother hundreds and hundreds of dollars back pay..for rent..and rather then my mother kicking her ass out of here and renting the basement to someone who needs an apartment who is consistent..she keeps my aunt and allows her to free load..while my mother leaves herself in hock with the bills..and a bad credit rating so bad..that i cant even get a loan for college or anything. *sighs*..and damnit.i realize i was such a fool for quiting. For now i am existing..maybe in time i will start living.

(later that evening)..well it have certainly been a long day..and K-mart is nothing but a zoo. Security had fun with me today considering i had to keep calling them. Incident 1-furniture falls on a customer pinning him against the wall..and me and another guy had to help him out..he may have sprained or broke his ankle..ackk..and i was on my break at that time..just walking the store. Incident 2-Stolen wallet...but good thing she found it..*shakes head*..people are so stupid..she just left it right on top of the table with the shirts..and finally Incident 3...race riot fight in the parking lot..and i just happened to be taken a few mins to have some nice fresh air..*shakes head*...just another day at K-mart. *giggles*..you would think that the customers would have been in a pleasant mood this evening..but actually i had a woman curse me out because the sign on the plants she had was $1.19 and it was ringing up $0.99 thats right only 99 cents..and she was yelling at me that the sign says $1.19..so fuck her..i charged her the $1.19..ACKKK...please tell me is everyone on drugs???

As of right now..will admit i am tired but also a little wired. Dont like these night hours gets me all hyped up..then i get stuck going in early..BLAAAAHHH..but the bright side..WOO HOO 10 hours time in a half..*smiles*..they gave me this day..and today is time in a half being it was a holiday..so that is going to be a nice pay check.

finally do have to say..misses Master greatly...*sighs*..we have to get our schedules in line or something...and of course the time i do get to see him i was in a shitty mood..No fair. But do have to say..at least he was actually going to leave me space give me the room..*giggles*..but what is he crazy..didnt want him to go..just needed his comfort. I just hope i didnt get him in a bad mood either.

May 30, Tues

well it is almost practically the end of the month and have to say it has been a long one..even this page in my diary is LONG. Have to say though..dont really know what to say. Misses Master greatly and overall am tired..YAWNS..working is a lot for me..feels like the stresses is finally getting to me. but i take it one day at a time..and at least i can finally get some rest tommorrow..although i do have to go in late.

damn..really misses Master. Thought i would be able to see him tonight..guess not..*pouts*..hope everything is all right. No letter, no message, nothing. Not even a post card he once promised me. Then again..i do ask for to much dont i. Have to realise that not all are work aholics, super heros that put themselves beyond what they are capable of doing for the sake of others..then is upset if there is failure.

he now works, he has a job..and he has whatever he does during the day...i do really miss him though..almost at these moments where i feel...now that you havent seen me do you really want me?..I know i have to get out of this mood i am in..i guess i am just tired that is all.

I do have to admit though i have been keeping the forest opened the past few days..*smiles*..it is so much different then any other rooms..we actually talk, have conversations and welcome all to the room..in fact..even trolls who are looking for nothing more then a good cyber can stop and actually talk and speak there mind..*smiles*..a lot of good is happening in this room. Although it is a little slow tonight. It is a great room and i encourage all to be here..Would like Master to be here sometime. i must be definaly gonig through Master withdrawals..*sighs*..in time..will get to see him..just prays it is soon.

May 31 Wed

well it is the final day of may...time to say good bye to another month. A lot has happened this month..feelings were changed, partners were changed, mixed emotions happened all around..But overall it was a month that i have learned to open up even more..and in reading even the length of this month..can see how i myself have changed.

today was a long rough day. It didnt start out too good for my family. It was my mothers day off..and my partial day off...and she spent the whole morning talking on the phone with various banks, credit cards, loans,,ect ect ect..why.because she is about an inch away to losing her house, her car everything..*sighs*..it has reached almost rock bottom with the bills that there is nothing she can do. And the sickest thing is..after spending 3 hours juggling with the phone calls and getting frustrated...there is a knock on the door from one of the credit card companies demanding money..*sighs*..do you know how frustrating, humiliating, and sad that is to have someone like that at your door?..at that point my mother just almost went into a completed depression..her whole outlook..sunk to the lowest..and it was hard for me to see her that way..Her struggling so hard for me all these years and never getting the credit she deserves.

so i agreed to help her..i got paid today from both jobs..and technically just handed to her everything..to help her catch up a bit..that doesnt do much..although considering she had a -200 balance in her account..that helps clear out the bills for this month..but it is still not going to be easy..and still my aunt free loads here..dragging down this whole family with her. Its not easy..but at least i have made my mother truly smile today. She was so relieved to be free of those bills and not having to worry that it would bounce this month..but now what?..She still has the morgage which is behind. Most certainly is not going to be easy for anyone.

I have been opening the forest more and more..and it is refreshing to actually be talking now in yahell..having discussions, conversations ect..it is wonderful..*smiles*......but is missing something..and that is Master..i miss him dearly and has me thinking...maybe i am thinking too much..but almost do feel like abandoment. I know he is probably going to kill me for thinking that. But it is almost like my mind is remembering Donavin..who said to me "why would i ever call you"..or another Master i had..who said..i am useless..Or even the Mistress who said to me..i am nothing but a bratty little subbie..and all these people who have looked to me on the down side rather then the plus side. I just miss him so much..and well being i havent seen him, heard from him talked to him since last week..i miss him greatly.

well now it is time to end this month..and move on to June..the start of a new month..and new wonderous things happening. And plus it is the month of my birthday..woo hoo..*giggles*..ok..time to log off...Good by to May..here comes june.

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