October 2000

October 1 2000

well its now another month..October..going with the halloween theme..being i do love halloween..*smiles*..very mystical, eerie, spooky. Well first off my punishment was due..*sighs*..punishment assigment whatever..but i handed it in about 45 mins ago..at exactly 12:00 even out of fear mailed it to both of his emails not too sure which one to send it to. the only question is now..will i get to speak to Jim? That assignment was very hard for me..i was thinking..and even now i feel disappointed with what was said. Even in that assigment i was insolent..and the worst part was..dont know if it was worst or not..but it was one word which i immediately had to change, had to erase had to do something with..because i slipped up..and i would have never known it if i didnt proof read as he said to..*sighs*..

was talking with a good friend of mine in MH..we ended up talking for about 5 hours..i just needed the talk..needed the comfort..plus..she did something for me..which touched me completely..She couldnt stand the way my profile looked..so she changed it..and i almost cried. See originally my profile simply was a blank background with the saying.."ummmmm...I hate profiles"..but she designed a beautiful background..picked a beautiful picture which she added my name to..with the words.."embracing knowldge" in script across the bottom..awww i just felt all choaked up with emotions. but she said so many things..so much in perspective to me..and basically we talked about the very thing i was writing about although technically already finished the assigment when we talked..but..here is a real life slave..and yes..she is a slave..who just stuck up a big mirror before my face...in fact i have to quote her on what she said...because to me..was too important.."as for you... i see you struggling with your submission... you find it intriguing... tantalizing... a turn on...but you fear it... deeply... you are not able to fully let go... and embrace your submission... for reasons... i do not know completely... but have a fair idea... you have been abused and used by others... and so you guard yourself too closely... by doing so... you don't allow yourself to grow... you desire to completely feel and submit to this side of you... but you hold yourself back... until you can open up and let go... you will never be free within the chains that bind you... however... you are desperately trying... you have a hunger to learn and explore...your insecurites hold you back... but you are young... and you will conquer... with time, patience and some guidance... "..i felt like crying at that point..in fact i did...just bawled out in tears..she's right..she really is..Here i have Jim..he is so wonderful to me..so good to me..and i care for him so deeply..and even found myself secretly calling him Master..but i push myself away from him. I pushed myself away from everyone..even now..i push myself away from my friends, family loved ones..i push myself away from Jim. The tormenting part is i havent talked to him..havent spoken to him..have yet to talk to him..Just want to know what he is thinking what he is feeling, how his day is doing..and if what he did, said and acted the other day when he gave that assigment is really how he is..because he seemed so stern so forceful, so powerful, so dominant..it scared the hell out of me..but turned me on completely..THATS WRONG DAMNIT..why the fuck am i getting turned on by him in such a way. I am NOT a SAM..i am not a smart ass..I do NOT purposely act insolent for the mere attention of it..but yet my actions seems so. THis is tormenting and i know i am tormenting myself over it.

ok..onto lighter topics..the corner guy called..geeze is it me..he callse me..says hello..then doesnt even bother talking..and just rushed off the phone..i dont know what to tal about..but would liked to talk..maybe he thought i was on the computer..jeeze..just because the phone is by the computer..and the thing is screaming doesnt mean that my attention is completely off of him. wasnt even doing anything on the computer..i dont know..maybe was just looking to talk..just looking to discuss..dont know what i was looking for. oh well..*shrugs*

well..i hope maybe i could tlak to Jim before the day is out..i really miss him. I know he is not mad at me in an angry sort of way..but maybe he is disappointed..at least i know i myself have been getting through this week..i hit rock bottom..now i am climbing myself back getting back.

(later on)I finally did get to speak to Jim..All i know is havent shaked like that on the phone in a long time. In fact havent shaken like this since donavin...wonders if that is a good sign or a bad sign..couldnt keep the phone still. But we talked about the very thing which i have never felt..Punishment. I do know i am going to be punished the next time i see Jim..question is..how, in what way, and why am i so terrorfied, yet turned on by it. *shakes head* My god..am i a SAM after all? He said that we will find out. How? thats what i dont understand..how can we find out? One look at a whip terrorfies me..then again..i have done this not once but on a few occasions..picked up his flogger and just run my fingers across the leather, the smell the aroma, the feel of it..its such a powerful image. To just grasp that within my hands i find that i close my eyes and get lost just holding it. My mind wanders to the fact that this is what i fear. This is what can cause intense pain, or the most pleasurable sensations. I shuttered the first time he lightly stroaked the strands against my body..that i will never forget..but now to feel its bite?..I am terrorfied.

why was i so scared talking to him as well..was i distant? i had to be...that is the very thing i am trying to stop myself from..Now is not the time to be distant now is the time to be honest to myself and honest to him. I get almost speechless talking to him..and so nervous that i studder. I am not a studderer..never had a speech impediment..yet with him..i seem to studder..i cant form my words..I am terrorfied..but yet i am extremely turned on. Even now..in a strange way..almost completely turned on..its wrong though..shouldnt seek out pleasure this evening. First off..that time of the month..and second off..cant go another night in tears because i cant go all the way. I dont want it to be like the other night. So it is probbaly best i take a deep breath..and let it pass..I am just in a way really glad to have talked to him..missed Jim..yet..I know what is in store for me the next time we meet. In an ironic way..hoping it is this weekend..because i know i am off..and i know i will have some money one me..get paid on friday..*giggles*..if it is next week..whos telling what would happen. IN fact...i am off for a four day weekend because of the holiday..Sat, Sun, Monday and tues..*smiles*..although monday night i agreed to work at the gym..miss the kiddies..but have 4 days off from the bank...great hours :). I hope he can meet this weekend..but will see what happens..YET ..ACKK..if i meet him i am going to get punished..what a dilema..but I accept it. I will follow him where ever he goes. I dont want to quit now.

one final note..knows this has nothing to do with anything..but..i am now once again a red head..or at least i hope..just dyed my hair now. Needed to..my roots were growing back in as well as have gray hair all over the place..*sighs*..too young to be having gray..so dyed my hair..*crosses fingers*..hope it comes out good..will find out tommorrow..because for now..tied up in a bun..and going to drift off to sleep soon..

Monday October 2

met and talked to an interesting person last night in mh...a real life vamp whose activities includes driking blood. The method he uses is fangs which he has specialty made for him and he gently pricks the inside thigh or inner breast to "feed upon"..*shudders*..will be honest that thought alone is a big turn on for me. I once tried a small scene with Jim where he pricked his finger with a sterile needle and i suckled upon his blood. He really didnt seem to get anything out of it ..but that simple act is almost life or death. I mean think about it..he opened himself up to me and allowed me access to his life force. I know i am clean..he knows i am cleeean..but still one can never be too sure and leaving himself that vunerable..The trust level in that was unbelievable. But i do have to admit..it is something i would like to try again..then again..there is a lot of things i want to try.

By now Jim probably has read my assignment..The only thing i wonder what his thoughts would be, his opinions and reflections reading my words. When we were talking on the phone he asked if there would be any "surprises" in the assigment..ooo tough question...I meani talked about things he either knew of guessed..or who knows maybe it was a big surprise. The only thing is although i did proof read No spealling mistakes at all even used spell check..i did fail in one aspect by using the word "almost"..that was part of the assigment not to use the word almost..geeze..do i really use that word too much???. I didnt even realize when i send it too him that i used it..it wasnt until after i printed it out..that i found it and it was in the very first paragraph..ARGGG>.. well we will discuss it all of it..hopefully..dont know when...but would to like to.

been working on the writing test i got in the mail..almost scared to hand it in..i mean when i wrote papers in school was much different..but this is an actual test to get into a writing acadamy for college credit and published. NOw that probably will never happen,..o0(still waiting to hear from october films..SIGHS)..but..i just wonder what would happen who knows..maybe i will send it in..maybe not..but it is keeping my mind busy.

well i know i am rambling..work was tough today..very busy..and jipped a customer $100 bucks..umm i feel terrible :(..i am sorry. Oh well..has to do with me being on Drive..i seem to always fuck up drive..*SIGHS*..oh well..at least today i get to sign official documents..but what good is it...i am on drive..dont get any of those in. too bad..oh well..*shrugs*.

Tues Oct 3 2000

well october is national breast cancer month..just something to be aware of..been showing my support by wearing a ribbon to work each day. It sad though..then again Long Island is so messed up having one of the highest cancer rates in any suburban area..has to be the water ..it is polluted.

Things went rather well at work i guess..found the $100 difference..gave it back to the customer today...on my lunch was talking to the assistant manager..we both know i have no futer in the bank..even she said it..not meaning that i cant grow..but she even knows my talents are too good, we were just talking about school and why i didnt continue..tough story i guess..but..she knows in the future who knows may be sucessful or not..but for now..making ends and just existing..as of right now..have no plans or goals.

Jim left an interesting message on my machine..*sighs*..only thing i could think of is OH NO...he really sounded like he has a lot on his mind..was my assigment that bad..or is it my diary that is getting bad..Even in reading the past few entries..i am all over the place..my mind is every where..not focusing on one thing..or is it i make a big deal out of nothing. Well hopefully tonight will get to talk to him..but i do know tonight is his late night..ooo..going to mc'd's right now..whoopie.. :)..brb will continue talking later..plus need to get the hell out of this house.

(a little later)anyway..my diary has been all over the place, and well been doing a lot of thinking, reflecting, it is amazing how much my diary has grown, wonder if i grew as well. Although Jim is at work right now..he does want to talk to me..hope everything is all right he seemed...worried. He left a message on my machine..and i was worried about him. I hope he isnt mad at me.

Didnt think i was going to be out so long..*giggles*..left my computer on while i was gone and seemed everyone PMed me out of the blue..even though says "NOT AT HOME"..*giggles*..i wasnt home..what can i say..What i was actually doing was getting some din din at mickey d's and driving..yes it was me driving..getting better at it although i make my family nervous..they are always saying WATCH OUT..geeze..i know what i am doing..i am not a trouble some driver..i am all right..just i make them too nervous..I should be the one nervous..but what i dont need is them being back street drivers on me. get me even more confused.

speaking of family..i wonder if i am the only sane one at times..things arent too good..mother is being harassed at work..aunt is losing her job..however her company was sabatoge yesturday and blew up the place...um my grandmother can not balance a check book for her life, yet still prays and prays to god..lights a candle for me and Jim, and watches her religious shows 24/7...damn they actually have a channel full of it.*shakes head*..Times are hard..and suprisingly we are all absolutly broke..it is funny at least i get paid on friday although will be a cut in pay being my med benifits started. but..at least my bills are caught up..mine are..families arent. I just never had two weeks so bad..we really are counting pennies and sad thing was i didnt even have lunch for work today. I had to make a concoction of things that arent even food..dry crackers, raisens, soda..and bread with nothing on it..YUCK..thank good ness at work there was some cream cheese left over from breakfast the other day..so spread it on that just to give me some flavoring..what a lunch YUCK. bout the time i got home was shaking and weak in fact even took my sugar level it was very low..so good thing went to mickey d's..havent been there in a long time..and just seemed the food was soo GOOD..such a treat.

well not too sure what to say..but Jim is work and eventually he will talk to me..for now..well i am off.

Thursday Oct 4

now i am really confused. Been having weird dreams, even had a panic attack the other night..or incubus attack if you will..but was in such a way that i ever had it befor..You see when i get these attacks it is usually the point where i "die" in my dream. This time i didnt die in my dream..was at a cliff..couldnt see what was at the bottom.and my mother accidently pushed me off..she just did a throwing up of her hands but by accident hit me..which send me tumbling..the only thing i could scream out to her was MOMMY..and i fell..only thing was..i didnt land nor did i fall..just the fact that i fell i woke up in a sweaty frantic heated mess..my heart was racing so fast that i thought i was having a heart attack..was pounding against my chest that it even hurt. i was just covered in sweat completely...Now i know why i am always tired..damnit my dreams keep me just as active as being awake. Even last night had a dream..dreamt that i was writing to Santa Claus to fuck me. Wanted Santa Clause to just come and fuck the hell out of me. He wrote back to me that he has something even better..he will Rape the hell out of me when i least suspect it. umm that was another point i woke up..Jesus..what hell is wrong with me..waking up fearing i am going to be raped by Santa?..damn it is not even christmas yet. I guess you can tell how symbolic these dreams are..but the Santa clause dream did get me so horny where i thought nothing but Jim..all i could think about was his cock..omg...i miss him really do..miss sucking him, touching him feeling him..tasting him..*sighs*..

Was talking to him just now..thought i was going to cry. He did go up another level with me..he notched it up..yet i know i am pushing away..it is a paradox effect the deeper i get in submission the more i pull away...OMG..i have a 4 day weekend this weekend..PLEASE i hope he can see me..I dont know if i could last if i dont..it sounds so selfish of me..but it is more then just the BDSM..just to hold him, kiss him..talk to him..have that face to face contact..

work was all right today..actually went rather well...manager is on vacation and the assistant manager is a riot..and we are having a party..*giggles*..i dont think i ever laughed so hard as i did today..the tears just flowed down my cheeks..pure laughter..was turning red..all i know is they are soo bad at work..they really are.

wow it is only 6:30 and i am exhausted..i really am..i have to go back to Jazzercise classes havent gone in about a week..being that i was sick and my family is still sick now..especially my grandmother she got it badly to the point where she was throwing up and everything..we have all been pushing exercise aside. I feel good..but i am just drained..and work has been draining me..these dreams have been draining me..and do have to say one thing..been on drive through all week at work..and it is FREEZING..not even winter yet..but i am bundled up in sweaters and long sleeve shirts because of the cold.o0(running out of clothes..have to shopping..argg)..well on brighter side..finally get paid tommorrow..you have no idea how terrible these past two weeks have been..was bad..everyone was broke..now i know my pay is going to go right to bills and the money i owe..but at least i will have some spending money which i needed..*smiles*...All i know is.i need to get the hell away this weekend..I need to do something..ANYTHING. *sighs*.

Sat october 7

its the start of a LONG weekend. Turned out pretty well i guess..talked to Jim last night..needed to talk to him, to discuss somethings..but most of all..*smiles*..i get to see him tommorrow. It might be a group activity tommorrow being my "sis" is going to be there..*smiles*..she is a wonderful person, love her dearly, its almost ironic how both of us are almost in the same place, both with Jim. Yet i do have to admit in the back of my mind at times words she said to me when we first met.."i don't share"...well i do share, and have no problem with sharing, in fact i even encourage it in a strange way..puts me in another perspective that i am just another person. hmm i know that sounds a little negative, but meaning, i myself am special in a unique way but in the overall big picture of the world..i am nothing but another person a meer speck in the time line. ummm..not going to get into philosophy today. But sometimes i worry..in a sense..i introduced her to Him..they get to gether..leaves the future of me being tossed aside because "she doesnt share"..ok..have to quit this..knows i am sounding too negative. Onto the brighter things.

See the thing about her is..i have known her for *smiles*..think about 3 years now. And finally making the transition and meeting her real life..was a wonderful experience..she almost seems like how i might be in ten years or so. Then again..i wonder about that based on what Jim said last night..hmm not going to get into that..She has r/l experience where as i have "knowledge"...two very different things..yet together..we can probably teach each other a wealth of information..but the truth is..we havent spoken to each other almost since we last met. Jim's right..he expected us too..especially after what we did..but i didnt take the initiative and neither did she. *sighs* Maybe it is because..i wanted to push her away or something..NO..of course not..that is not the case. The case was actually i have been so fucked up these past few weeks the last thing on my mind was talking to her..mainly because..i was confused sexually completely and i was afraid i might blame what we did in a way. I didnt want to hurt her..but yet..i pushed her away which could have done the same damage.

Jim also said he wouldnt punish me in front of her. That thought alone is one of both agony and relief. That would mean that if she is there tommorrow...he isnt gonig to be punishing me..and that i have to wait another week, two weeks, month..however long..to finally get punished. That is even more torment..having these dreams, these thoughts, the fear. I fear i am going to pass out. I really do..that it will be so painful that i cant even control the one thing that is so sacred and that is my own counsciouness..then again..that is the ultimate act of submission..loosing oneself in the hands of the Dom..but medically speaking that may be impossible..being that..with this type of fear and the "flight or fight" mechanism we all have within..i will probably be so pumped up on adrenaline and endorphins. I am still scared..really scared..i know it is going to hurt. Question is..How much?

Ok..onto other subjects..work was crazy yesturday..we are short staffed..was down two people...which was a nightmare. On a normal business day steadily will do about 200 transactions...ON a very busy day will do 350 transactions...and that is busy...but yesturday i did 678 transactions..almost 2x the business we do on our busy day..ACKK was a nightmare. ANd i wasnt feeling good..the branch was hot as anything but drive was cold as anything..and the mixture of hot/cold hot/cold was terrible. Aside from that there was just so many people...i had to order over 15000. in 20's alone..and couldnt even count it...Had to count it when i finally used each pack..which is a BIG no no...*shrugs*..maybe that is why i was $20 short..*sighs*..fucking $20 short again..They are probably going to fire me or this is certainly going to be a terrible review for me next year. ARGGG. Well on the bright side..did get my benifits...so i come home with $14 less..but not bad...paying $14 every two weeks for full blown medical dental and eyeglasses...not that i ever need the eyeglasses..but who knows..the many hours that i spend in front of the computer each day..who knows what kind of damage it will do in the future..so its good to have.

I am excited i am going to meet Jim tommorrow..although will admit..was hoping it would be alone..but even better..I miss my sis..really do..i see her on here and there..and well she is always at work and busy..that is the last thing i want to interupt is if she is at work..that is why i dont PM her. I was also thinking in the back of my mind..what would happen if i went further with her. Actually this is a bit of my desires seeping out..but i was talking to a real life friend of mine who i knew from college the other day...she works in a hotel..and she had a few bisexual experiences within the rooms. And she said that is one of the perks of working in a hotel..have access to any room any time. She was telling me her experiences of being with another woman..I have to admit that turned me on..because even in college i thought a few times what would happen if i ever did so with her..but of course could never admit to it. Cant even admit to it now. But on the flip side..brings me back to my friend i may meet tommorrow. The last time we were together..i regretted for not touching her. Just to reach out and touch her nipples and even the kiss. That was one thing i will never forget..her soft lips..so far kissed 4..and out of the 4..psychologically..with her..was so much different. I cant describe it..*sighs*..look how i am talking..probably turning into a fucking bi-sexual...might as well slap on the guilt even more..But i am not going to dwell in the guilt..and will be honest..I enjoyed it. And wonders if i could go on more?

well today i am going to be doing absolutely nothing..and it is only 9am in the morning..hmm..maybe will clean my room do some laundry..and give myself a beauty treatement completely because i have to admit..i have been looking like shit for the past week..Looking very hard, tired, drained..and thank goodness did get rid of the greay...dyed my hair an almost auburn brown..looks nice i guess..but..now have to work on my face...as well as have to shave you know where..Will admit been bad..didnt shave at all this week..and the stubble is killing me..constantly scratching..*giggles*..wonders if that is the reason guys always scratch is from all the hair? *shrugs*..oh well...so i am going to relax..chill out and do nothing today because knowing me..all my plans..will be spent on the pc.

Monday Oct 9

happy columbus day..*sighs and forgets the hell about fucking columbus day* Its now 8:30 in the morning of cours i am working on only about 2 hours of sleep because that is all i got last night..but..i dont even know where to fucking begin..I am a wreck, a crying, hysterical, emotional wreck. I just want to stop the pain..but how? *sighs*

Went to see Jim yesturday..knew my friend was going to be there as well..and was prepared for it..but i was distant, i was upset. He is so fucking happy with her. I have never seen him like that. He is a little boy struck with the love bug. I know it is to early to say anything like that..but to see him "light up" to find that inner peace through her. In fact both of them are..they are both perfect together..so where does that leave me? A burden, an outcast?..in the way..*sighs*..All i could think of is the words she said to me a few weeks ago..they struck a knife in my heart...last night it was twisted. *sighs* Its not fucking jeolosy..ok..maybe it is..But i would do anything for Jim..accept the two very important things..I cant truly give myself over because i know we cant be. That the thing we cant be..no matter how much i want it..desire it..no matter how much i care for him and love him..He is not the one for me. But god damnnit i love him to much..*cries*..

I am a fucking wreck..been hysterical crying all night..on the train..which was packed..was hysterical crying..when my mother picked me up..took one look at me..no questions ask..and just hugged me..hugged me completely..and she was in tears..God she must have thought i was raped or something..but i told..nothing happened..we just talk..and i feel i lost Jim. Even if didnt officially lose him..I cant bear to not see him happy. Thats the thing i am an ultimate slave..but in the worst of ways..I will do anything to make another happy and sacrifice my happiness...but what is the point of BDSM if i am not happy? FUCK. its not bdsm..its I dont know what it is.

SHIT..i could probably say every fucking word in the book and will that do anything..no..but even this morning..talking to my grandmother..crying my eyes out..i just needed to get out..went for a drive..went to her coffee..just needed to get out..and fuck she cant even go into 7-11 without fighting with someone..thats the last thing i needed today..who cares whether the fucking coffee is fresh or not..it is 7-11 the coffee is FRESH. *sighs*..ok..i know i am rambling..back to on topic..yesturday

I couldnt admit to Jim what i wanted..was the same thing Martin said to me a million time on the phone...Melanie What do you Want? I DONT KNOW!...Cant i leave it at that...no..i cant..but admiting that i want to do what you wan..or i want to make them happy, or i want to please them, or i want this torment to end..is NOt good enough for either one of them. I wanted Jim to punish me..He didnt. He wouldnt..but yet this is more of a punishment then anything else..my heart is ripped out. And the funny thing is..I am happy for him. I truly am..he deserves so much..he really does..and the happiness, playfulness, giddiness, its like two little baby puppies..or in his case two bear cubs playing with each other.

I am doomed to be a matchmaker..its my talent..i bring people together..they hit on..and i take a step back..and watch..watch their happiness..their love, there bond. I am doomed to do nothing more then watch. It happened with Jimmy, happened with Scott, happened with Donavin, happened with AJ, happened with Jim, oh god..even happened with Martin. To watch someone you love, you care for..and know..that no matter what you do..they will never be the one for you..but through me..they find happiness...I am still talking like he left me..Maybe thats just it..i want him to leave me..press it deeper in..i want him to abandon me..leave me out in the cold..leave me alone..*CRIES*..god damnit..I care for him too much for that. I am nothing but a wreck..look at me..i am in fucking tears..taht have not stopped running.

what i wouldnt have give for just 15 mins alone completely with Jim..he sent me home. GOD DAMNIT. She spent last night with him..and i went home..she stayed..Is that jeolousy? I dont know..i am not jealous of her..i am jeaolus of myself. He had us both on the bed nakid side by side in a karta..blindfolded while he teased us both. To hear her pleasure, to hear a woman cum, to hear what he did with her..and i couldnt get anything..FUCK that i got so much out of it..i just couldnt cum..at one point just started laughing..FUCK THIS IS..i love the feelings so much but it does absolutely nothing for me..and was obvious how wet and soaked i was..because even he was making "squishy" noices..a complete betrayal of my body..She freaked though..*sighs*..i knew she wanted to stop..i didnt. Well dont blame her..she got him fucking her, she got to cum, she felt him inside. Damnit..been begging him to just plunge in me for weeks..sure he fucked me..but always stopped at that "point"...well..went out and just fucked the hell out of someone else..and didnt enjoy it..

when i came home..the first thing i could think of was i have to talk to Martin..i needed to..damnit. I even tried calling him on the train..i was a wreck...and we talked till about 3:30 in the morning..talking talking talking..And maybe he is right..I want to be treated like a slut, like nothing but a piece of property. I crave it..DAMNIT..i wanted Jim to fuck me..I wanted JIm to punish me..I coulnt admti it..I could admit to him i wanted punishment..He refused to do so. FUCK THAT..You dont do this to someone..I am almost forgetting why the hell i am punished in the first place..my insolence?? Good question was i insolent last night now with them?..The only thing i was probably insolent was the fact that i couldnt tell him what i wanted. I cant even admit to myself what i wanted..then again if he really wants to get picky i fucked up a serve on tea. I forget that i am not like the rest of the population and temperature to me is a variant..i served him tea which to me was perfect..he thought it was cold. *shrugs*..then here where the confusion comes in..I try to derive away from Gor..although deep down inside..i want Gor..and in everything i do..i try to take that step away from Gor..but i end up plunging deeper into it. He wanted me to kiss the rim and serve him the tea..*sighs*..thank goodness he didnt tell me to run it up my body..i would have just cried..then again..yesturday that was all i did was cry.

even reading this dont even understand what the hell i am upset about. I feel i lost Jim..but i didnt. I feel i am a failure..but am i?..I am just sorry. Sorry with Jim, sorry with Martin, definately sorry with my sis..god..i shouldnt of went so far with her..she stopped the scene..I didnt want to stop, i didnt want to..i just wanted to continue..wanted to feel. I just wanted him for a little bit.

The most memorable moment of the entire night was the massage. She was in the kitchen cooking..and well he had a headache..and was lying down..and all i wanted to do..was rub his head, his back..and in doing so..that one lone act of touching him..the comfort i got from feeling his back the warmth of his skin..was nothing sexual at all...ok..yes it was..and all i could think of in my mind is..I will never be touching him again..i will never be feeling him..i will never be fucking him..i will never be sucking him. Why COULDNT HE PUNISH ME? This is even worst..Why couldnt he just cleanse my sould..take the whip and mercessily punish me..Just do so completely. end the pain...IN a sick way..i know he gets home early today...almost wondering if i could go down for an hour..and beg him to punish me..DAMNIT..he wouldnt do so last night.

Martin asked me last night if i ever begged Jim to treat me like property...truth is never could do so..never could admit to him that. maybe that is the dead silence that i couldnt say yesturday..copped out by saying wanted a scene..What i wanted was to be used, punished, used for his pleasure and for hers. I wanted to be at their mercy..but I fucking cant go all the way. To see how much she enjoyed everything,,I am jeolous..for i know that i can be capable of that sort of pleasure..and at times i do get lost in the moment..but..i stop myself..i deny myself.. FUCK JIM..why couldnt you punish me? *sighs*

this entry alone is fucked up..and i have to go to work tonight at the Jim..i am just going to cry my eyes out. even there..I love watching the kids..i miss the kids. being that parental guidence for them..to be that "motherly" figure for a brief time..knowing that i can never do that myself. I will never want to myself. *shakes head*..I think i need to fucking go to bed..but all i find myself is listening to love sick depression songs..and crying along with them.

I need a hug..god maybe i should call up noel..give me something to do..FUCK i am NOT going to do that..*sighs*..cry myself to sleep..sleep..going to sleep :(..couldnt sleep last night..couldnt sleep the night before. I just need a hug..a simple hug..*cries*

(later on)*takes a deep breath*..ok..now that i have some clarity within me..and a little bit rested..guess it is now time to actually review what happened in a rationalized way rather then blowing up on every person. This story i guess starts Sat night. Was talking to a friend of mine on the phone, we talked for a long time i guess i needed it..but it was a reflection of what i am, what i want. He repeated constantly "Melanie what do you want.."what do you want?" I couldnt answer it. I couldnt admit to it what i wanted..I still cant admit..and it wasnt only him..it was Jim, as well as the Corner guy..everyone..I couldnt admit to what i wanted. We talked about the difference betweeen a command, order and a request...3 very different concepts..but one in which i have trouble grasping. He was giving me examples for if he said to me in a mushy tone..melanie will you clothes off...compared to a forcell MElanie Take Off your Clothes...that is two very different things..however..if put in the situation of both..would comply..even if now i say i wouldnt or resist mentally in online "safe haven"..in real life..I know i wouldnt..because i usually dont.

Also while on the phone..we started i guess you can say a mini phone sex scene. It wasnt about his pleasure at all..solely about mine. How selfish of me i think..but all i wanted to do was to release myself to him. To give myself over to him. I couldnt..instead i cried. I felt i failed..but he reassured me i didnt..because the main thing i forgot to ask him was.>What did he want?..different from replying will do whatever you want...thats passive agressive...but to litteraly take the agressive stand and say "What do you want from me..What would please you?" i couldnt..i jsut assumed he wanted me to release. but question is..did i please him. I tried so damn hard..i did everything he said..and did it with an intensity..it was unlike nothing i ever felt before..because..its one thing for a guy to say touch yourself.play with yourself..it is something totally different for him to say Every single touch...To squeeze my left pussy lip with such a hold..that i was screaming..to twist my nipple harder and harder..god i was burning..my skin was burning..and i did so as hard as i can. ANd it hurt so much i was even crying at the pain as well..but i couldnt get anywhere..I couldnt enjoy the moment. I couldnt feel it. *sighs*

well that was sat..sunday went to meet Jim..well one thing is "guilt" about talking to the other guy the night before..yes it is true..i feel i disappoint Jim by exploring other people. I feel i am betraying him going against him..Not asking permission as i should. question is..should i? Jim doesnt own me..Jim trains me..he is my Dom, my trainer..but he allows me freedom. He allows me anything i want...but he doesnt allow me the things i need i guess *sighs*. argg need vs want..think i am getting them confused..but not going there now...to continue on..

So i went to Jims apartment..this time..he wanted me to do so alone..take the subway alone..take the train alone..and meet him at his place..Ride was ok..but something fucked up always happens every time i go to the city. Aside from a group of hoodlems who called me a fat fucking bitch and tried pushing me against the wall because i was in their way...i was harassed by a guy carrying a dead squirral..The guy was a complete lunatic..carying around a dead bloody decaying squirral and askign everyone to pet it. *shakes head*..Only i meet all the nutcases. But i got to his apartment fine..and walking in...will admit was terrorfied..seeing Alyssa there and him..first thing i just wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and kiss him..i asked for permission instead..because..not only was it not right to have my way with him in front of her...but..I still felt like i failed him. I went in their expecting to be punished. Knowing i was going to be..Accepting a punishment. I never got it. My own punishment is worst then whatever Jim can give me..even if he left me welted for days..its what i am doing to myself now..that is 10 times worst. I wish i could be reprieved. *sighs* funny thing is i know if i talked to Jim and he "reversed the punishment" in anyway..would probably cursed the hell out of him..*sighs*..i would never do that..but internally..I see myself doing it again..I am pushing myself away from him..i am acting even more insolent now then i ever was..*cries*..I am causing him to abandon me..Even my friend..I was supposed to call her this week..and jsut want to kick that damn assigment out the window..and forget about it..but yet tonight after work..i am going to attempt to call her..and all i could think of is what the hell am i going to say to her?

Shit i am crying again..same time i am writing this..talking to a friend of mine..and we are talking about a comparison between a Gorean Master to a reg Master..in other words i am comparing Jim to the other guy..*sighs*...why now..why must i do this to myself..I am pushing Jim away. I am forcing him to abandon me..am i fucking doing this on purpose..NO..No no no no..but what use am i in this state? think she said it best when she said..jim is "Dom Light" its true..jim is kind, compassionate, he gives into desires, he is very sensual, he cares for us..he gives us what we want..he explores with us..and he does so in a way..where we can have a say..where we can say no if be..On the other hand..it is almost as if i want the choice stripped from me. I dont want to be able to have that choice..ok..starting to get off of rationalization..*takes a deep breath*

So was at Jims house..and seeing him with her..i wasnt jeolous..in fact in a way was almost happy..for here is my chance at a "family" structure..a "chain gang" if i can call it that..That is one of the most intimate..yet hardest type of Ds relationships..is to have a Dominant with more then one..for it is not a One on ONe relationship..it is now a trimuvate..but in this case..a quad..because..i am a friend to her..befor i met him..and well i met him..before she met him..*sighs*. Its a very delicate quad..and one which would probably be best if i walked away...but best for who? Damnit..what i wouldnt give just to hug Jim right now..I seriously feel i am never going to see him again.

as soon as i got there he almost got really dominant with me...Down Kneel he said...eyes downward...i was trembling..i was scared..but at the same time..i was excited..this was the first time he ever really got that dominant with me..that "stern or forcefull" and i was hopping he would continue it. At the same time though..i knew why i was like that..why i was there...I was there for punishment..not because of "lovingly being subserviant to a powerful Master"..umm..*shrug*..bad quote i know...but point..i wasnt at his feet and him acting that way..because of postive effect...it was because of negative reinforcement..the emotional masochism i have come to thrive on. While i was on my knees..he was talking about punishment. I just wanted him to get it over with..but anotehr time..another place..without her in the room. Damnit couldnt she have left earlier..why was i sent home..15 mins..all i needed..in 15 mins..he could have send me home with a welted red ass..where i couldnt sit for weeks..but would have probably ease my mind..either way did go home in tears but in worst tears. *sighs looks at the time*..i have to go to work..damn..was hoping to finish this..but have to get going...wile to continue this later..but after work..think i have a phone call to make.

Tues Oct 10

Ok..i know couldnt get back online..but well had another day to reflect and think..right now i honestly feel exhausted, drained, tired, and empty. Havent cried all day although been very distant..dont know if that is good or bad..but now is a time to recoup, and reflect. My crying for now is done.

I went to the dr's today..i really hate going there..but a few things came about..first i seem to have paronychia underneith my nail bed in my thumb..uggg..have nice nails..really do..and that is one of the causes is because..i constantly cut my cuticles or pulling at hang nails..that kind of things...so i am now going to be taken cephalexin for that. Second i seem to have two cysts..which i am being referred to a dermatologist for that..and while i am there..what the hell might as well ask about my "dry skin"..went one time about this before..i have a very dry skin problem which causes my skin to become discolored in a few key senstive areas...Had this all my life..but now i am sick of it..really sick of it..and wondering if there is any type of creams meds or solutions to alleviate the problem. Third..hypertension..UGGG..thats nothing new. Although my blood pressure was lower then it was last time..I refuse go on medician..i really hate it..and got me so sick the last time i was on all the medication crap..she is giving me 3 weeks to get it down. If not..then medication time for me. Good news is though..did lose 15 lbs since i have been there in July..she was happy for that..but also accused me of taking diet pills..ARGG..no not on any diet pills...Just so happen been fucking crying for two days..*giggles*..no..i've been good...working out..eating minimumly..trying. But on the agenda for me in the future..is dermatologist for the skin and cysts, gynocologist for check-up and possible birth control options, and finally phychiatrist..because not only does my family think i am nuts..Jim also believes i should get some professional help..Hes right.

ok..i guess back to sunday..Did forget something..when i first got there..i was FREEZING..it was so cold in the city..and i was definately underdressed. His apartment was so nice warm and toasty..and he did offer me some tea or something to warm me up..but i think the nicest moment was just snuggling up in a warm embrace with my friend and a nice big blanky..probably could have enjoyed the moment longer..but on my mind was punishment. Its still on my mind i guess..but it was a nice moment..I was lost in thought just sitting their on the couch..next to her in a comforting way..at least i was able to warm up..but it is getting so fucking cold..

as i mentioned before..he did order me to kneel..and we spoke about punishment..my voice was cracked and i was terrorfied..but i accept the punishment..althout at the time he didnt give it to me. He helped me up..and gave me a big hug..almost thought i would start crying..was getting a bit teary..but just holding him feeling the warmth of him..it was nice. in fact..could still use a hug now..dont ask me why..just need to be comforted now i guess..

As the night progressed..it was interesting i guess..i was very distant, upset..damnit i was an emotional wreck..a few times completely zoned out..that i dont even remember what happened..i remember at one point..made him tea..the water was running..and i just let it run..i had no idea it was starting to fill the sink up..where was my mind during that time?? where is my mind now..i do seem empty..hmm..usually when i talk about things like this there is feeling or emotion..right now..i feel like i am just dictating anothers tale..*shrugs*..may be i am too empty at this moment..who knows..

well since i cant really think about what happened on sunday..going to talk about today a little bit..give me to write..then i can go to sleep or something because right now i am exhausted. This morning..i did get up early..and gave my mother a nice long massage. In fact was the same one i gave to Jim..first the back..then the face. *smiles softly*..i love giving massages..but i find myself i get too lost in the moment. When i was with Jim the tears just started comming down. To be able to touch him, sooth him..ease him..to feel his body, his warmth, to know that i was easing and relaxing him..pleasing him in a way that did nothing for me..but was so soothing for him..that just touched my heart completely..i started to cry. Gave the same thing to my mother. No wasnt the same thing..because with him..there was feelings, emotions, sensuality, intimacy..with her..it was just cold, she loved it..but it was distant, cold, professional. When she did turn over and i did her face..all i could think of at that moment was Jim..seeing the way his face was at peace, the way his eyes were closed..and ever delicate contour of his features....and in a way..i wonder at times..what would that feel on me. I tense up so much during a massage..that i fail to enjoy it..but even when Jim did massage me a little bit..I started to feel. Took a while to even warm up a bit..or to calm down..but i started to relax..and he does have healing hands. His hands are a godsend and he was born to give massage. But i fail..because i cant enjoy his gift to me. *sigh softly*. Can i ever enjoy anything?

Wed october 11

Today was a tough day at work..*sighs*..feels like they were all taking it out on me..the tension level in the place was at a height..and i wasnt feeling too good to begin with..it was just such a rough day. The only highlight of the day was that i was finally able to get a hug..So desparately needed a hug from anyone..i got it from the corner guy..*sighs*..damnit even now i am thinking of him..in the back of my mind..i just want to go over his house and fuck him..I am sick..i know i am. I am trying to get him out of the picture in a way. but then again..he is the one link that is out of the picture..yet he wants to be in it. I talked to him last night on the phone. And he has the same desires i have. He dreams to treat a girl like nothing but a piece of meat. *sighs*..thats bad news i know it is..and i am almost going back and forth back and forth in my mind..my friend, Jim, him, me, even her, a wicked web. *sighs*..God i think i need to really make myself cum tonight or something because i am driving myself crazy....*shakes head*

I know i am confused..anyway was able tot alk to my friend last night..needed to talk to her desparately..it is almost sad that in a sense it was an assignment..but thats not the case. I needed to talk to her..we needed to discuss what happened on sunday..needed to hear what she had to say. But most of all..i needed her. She listened to me..and she is so damn good to me. SHe is such a good friend to me..and i feel i do nothing but use her..that i dont appreciate all she does for me..same with Jim..i dont appreciate all he does for me..he is too good for me...OK..stop right there melanie..I know i am being negative on that respect..but..I am so glad i was able to talk to her..straighten things out a bit..she did put up a mirror on a few things for me..but at least i know..that no matter how hard i push her away, Jim away, even the corner guy away..they wont leave me. they just wont..and it is a sick thing i do..its like i want them to leave me..just to say.>SEE SEE it happened again..It always happens..i am worthless i am useless...>But this time i cant say that..Because it is not happening. They are leaving me..they are not abandoning me..and they all still are there for me, and care for me. I dont understand friendship at all..i really dont.

as for tonight..god what the hell am i going to do tonight..i am bored out of my fucking mind..and i am horny..and i really have a sick image of calling up the guy and going over his house...damn..how selfish is that?..but i am not..maybe i may call him up..or call JIm up..or call someone up..i am greedy been using too many people...it is like i just need to talk talk talk talk talking..is the answers..but then again..dont know what the hell to talk about. I am confused.

October 20 Fri

See i know if i dont start writing everyone is going to be worried sick about me wondering what the hell happened..HITS MYSELF..i know i havent been writing..yet this week i should have been..this was a tough week emotionall draining..and i am just exhausted..it is almost like even now i dont even want to write in this..i just dont care. But going to try to catch up a little bit quickly just so i have something to write...ummm scratch that..yahell and geocities are really bugging out on me...plus..i really dont want to be here tonight..*shrugs*..so going to log off ..at least everyone knows i am still alive..and hopefully this weekend can have something to write..*shrugs*..dont know..have nothing planned.

Sat October 21,

i dont even know if i should even bother writing about my week or just pretend this never happened..yet..this week was an emotional roller coaster..my first punishment, problems at work, god..problems problems problems..and i am still tired..even now..first thing i want to do is just to go to bed and sleep..i am exhausted completely. And i keep pushing this diary aside..it is almost like even to myself i dont want to admit what is going on with me..dont even know where to begin.

one problem is the slavery issue..Damnit..doesnt even have to be a slavery issue..more so on control..Just want to be controlled more. I dont understand why does Jim have to be more controlling and dominating at times when i am being "punished" why cant he do so lovingly in a nurturing way..do so at times when i am not punished..no wonder i am probaly a SAM..the things i crave is only when i am being punished..damnit that is no way to have a relationship..i love him dearly..and would never want to go against him..and not purposely going against him. thats the last thing i would ever want to do is go against him..but yet..at the same time that is all i am doing.

Talked to one of my first Masters last night..spent about 2 hours on the phone with him..and the first thing i wanted to do was race to the phone and tell jim everything. He gave me ar ealization about myself..because when i was with him even though it was an online experience...I came for him..i was moaning, for his pleasure..he trained me to be a slave..and it worked. He would use brainwashing techniques..and the methods worked..iroincally they are the same techniques used in the Gor books..but they worked. But now i build up a blockage..where i need to relearn everything..I need Jim to control everything..need him to cnotrol my pleasure..I dont understand it..3 years ago..i had no problem with going over the edge and cumming for a man..but now..i cant even cum for myself...its frustrating to even masterbate at times. Many times my hair brushes, vibrator..and all my other toys or concotions have been toseed across the room out of sheer frustration..and all i do is wrap myself up in blankets..hot, sweaty, naked..and drift off to slumber..a failure.

at least now i have a new friend..see bought Jim a teddy bear last week..well most of all he needed the mug..and bought him a winnie the pooh mug..but as an aside..slept with that teddy bear..brought wonderful comfort..then gave it to him the next day..WEll..realized..that teddy bear was just too adorable..so went out and bought myself one..and snuggle with himn every night..*shrugs*..makes me think of Jim..gives me some comfort..and plus..in a sick way..at least i get my hugs every night..seems that is all i ever want..just to be held.

damn i want to do something..i am bored..not going with Jim this weekend..he is busy..plus..didnt get to talk to him..*shrugs*..cant see the corner guy he has inventory..then again why the hell would he even want to see me...all i can think of is going back over his house and fucking him..sick me...*shakes head*...there is no one to see..although..it is my fathers birthday today..I didnt get him anything..why am i so heartless..it is almost like i dont even care it is his birthday..dont want anything to do with another birthday..seems like all we have each week is another birthday in this house..well that is not true..but it just so happens..everyone b-day is in sep/oct..i am the only odd ball out because mine is in June..

Ok..i should write more..but i cant think..i am tired..i am bored..and ironically i really dont even feel like writing..dont even feel like being online..if anything..just wishes i could talk..talk to anyone..talk on the phone..just want to talk..but what i dont want to do is talk to myself..which this is what i am doing now..thats the focus of my diary..a big conversation with myself. *shrugs* oh well..

(later on that night) Do have to make a special note..WORLD SERIES..*smiles*..NY all the way..woo hoo subway series..will admit not a sports fan at all..but the energy the excitment..the unity in the air..everyone is all ready for it..and well first game is exciting..right now..watching the 10th inning both are tied 3-3..can it be any more exciting??? Aside from that..i did have to rip up my millenium tickets..*SIGHS*..oh well no big winnings for me. Checked all my tickets..oh well..unless if there was no winner..get a second chance to play again? ooooo *smiles* will see what happens *crosses fingers*

yet the funny thing is what is still on my mind is everything Jim, my job, the people i talk to..the things i have been learning. I realized i cant be true to those that i talk to. I cant truly express my feelins to Jim when i am talking to him..same as i cant truly express my feelings to my friend when talking to him...even with the corner guy..damn there are just times when i just want to tell him to shut up and kiss me when i see him in the morning just wrap my arms around him and kiss those lips of him..but that is wrong..First off he has his girlfriend..like i really damn care about her..and second off..I am an emotional wreck..and i look it..every day i look at myself in the mirror..and i just see myself getting harder looking, my face is drained, dehydration is really setting in..all i am doing is drinking water..and i am just so thirsty..but i am really starting to look bad.

Yet the other night...i was kneeling before a mirror..trying to tell myself..i am beautiful, i am desirable, i am a slave, i am beautiful..i couldnt even look at myself. I remember i used to do these exercises naked before a mirror..just repeating to myself i am a slave..i am a slave..ironically it worked..that type of training worked for me..and was able to go so far with someone i never even met. Talking to him again..i didnt do anything for him..i didnt want to do it for him. The only thing i wanted was to do it for Jim. I realised in a weird way not only do i do this to hurt myself and Jim i do it for Jim too. In other words..i think i cause problems for yself or handle problems in a negative way..just to push aside issues i have but i do it for him..i do it for myself..honestly i dont know why the helli do the things i do. I just want to make him happy. How can i make him happy. *sighs* I am confused. I take on too many things i know i do..sadly though..didnt get to talk to him these past couple of days..did online..but was hoping to talk to him on the phone..I still have no clue as to what he felt about last week. but now it is almost becomming pointless..and damnit..i didnt retype the letter..started doing it..but didnt finish it..computer crashed earlier..and coudlnt be online..then again..did give up..and right now..could have been writing that..but it is now well past midnight..and the game still going on..i am rambling..damn damn damn..i just wanted to talk to him..just for a little bit..but even then i couldnt. I shouldnt always rely on him to talk to me..how selfish is that isnt it. i have to stop being an emotional wreck and start growing up. Talk to him not as melanie the slave nor melanie the emotional wreck..but melanie the woman..melanie the intellectuaal..i just need to talk.

Sunday October 22

interesting i was online reading the boards today..and out of no where get pmed..usually get pmed constantly by these guys who take one look at my profile and just want to jerk off..*sighs*..its sad though..but well maybe i did get a little carried away with all the interests..but each one was or is a club i am apart of..*shrugs*..then agian..if a club is boring i leave it...Anyway..he was from india..a culture which i have much faascination for..and we started talking about mentors, gurus. Its true..i look to JIm as my guru, my Dom, my trainer..but at the same time..i deny myself from him..It is a paradox i do..I really care for him so much..that i stop myself from giving myself over based on how our relationship was going to head..and to protect myself from what i believe is pain..when in reality it is actually causing me a great deal of pain and will end up in the very place i dont want this to end up.

all i could think of is Jim selling me. GIving me up to another real life. Problem is..as of right now..Jim never admitted he owns me. And with my twisted logic..if he sells me..that would be the moment he finally admits he owns me..but at that moment he gives me up to another. *sighs*..then agian..who would want to take on a person like me in this state? God HE does so much for me. He treats so good, He listens, he is always there..but i am failing him so much and i am failing myself..and as of right now..i dont even know what is going on. His last words to me was "i'll dismiss you" does that mean he did? Does that mean i am dismissed..havent talked to him in a few days..so really dont know what is going on..but NO damnit he wouldnt do that to me..He wouldnt just give me up like that.

even now..i think of him..*sighs*..will i get to speak to him..eventually i hope so..but it is almost like now i just want to talk to anyone..anyone who will talk. But i get started..then everyone has to go. I hate weekends..this is every time..if i am not at work..then i have nothing to do..damnit yes i have plenty to do..i should get off this damn thing..tkae a nice warm shower and clean my damn room..my room is a mess..it is still chaos in my life..and every time i clean it..it just gets messier and messier..it is NEVER clean..even when i do clean it. ARGGGG..ok..i am off this thing. Have to go do something.

Tues October 24

well working in the new branch..for some reason i feel i am on display..it is strange..while on break was talking to the manager..who seem to know about me and my transfer..now why would she know about my transfer nor have anything to do with my transfer..and why would the dm, and the head of the chain..out of no where come up to me and say hello?..*shrugs*..i know there was a meeting going on today in the conferance room..but why me?..I don tknow...as for me..been actually doing good..everyone else is a complete screw up and i am just shocked that this bank could even function with tellers as messed up as they are. they are looking to me for answers..keep asking me questions..yet that isnt even my branch..its sad. I am only on loan to them for 2 weeks..although..i am raking in the overtime..I agreed that i would sacrifice my day off for the next two weeks..o0(which is turning into four weeks..being i did so the past two weeks for another branch)..but i am sacrificing it for the overtime..well plust side is..can use the extra money..need to pay off my debts..

Its been hard comming here online..and as you can probably tell have no use for my diary..it is even writing i am giving up on..but so much has been happening..AJ popped up out of the blue last night..god..i havent spoken to him in 11 months. It was so awkward. I didnt know what to say..but..ended up with me crying my eyes out after he left. so i moved and started talking to my friend Martin..well..that was a bad idea..I use him too much. He did give me a good wake up call..he's right i am chicken shit..so afraid to submit..that i lock everyone out. I really do..the real eye opener was for him to say.."the day you truly do submit..will be so great that the guy wont be able to handle it..That gift will be too great"..In other words..he knows i am stopping myself from something..and he wishes i would just let go..just to let go of everything..but i am as thick headed as a stone wall..i need a good knock out to get me out of this..because i am tired of being the way i am.

i am just really confused..i dont know what to say anymore. Being here doesnt do me any good..staying off doesnt do me any good..i am just so tired ..i look tired..evne in my face..i look in the mirror..and i look so hard looking what has happen to me..completely stressed out..but do know..after this entry..and a side entry..i am just going to go to bed..cant stand being online here today..i just cant.

PS being that i have missed over a week or so in writing..and although did write a random thought to JIm..its too long to enclude in this diary..but to read it..need to go to this link...it should be here within these pages..then again..this is something that shouldnt even be to the public view..but..not my choice..my life is now an open book..as it always has been.Random Thoughts.

Wed October 25

Its strange..now working in this other branch..things are so pleasant..yet i am still a bit paranoid about what is going on. They asked me if i wanted to transfer into this branch..i dont know if it was an official question or just a general info..i said that would be something i would have to think about. See here is my situation..this branch that i am subbing for is a terrible branch..but the people are nice. It has a high level of people who leave..the customers are all spanish..geeze i am lucky i can even talk to them without speaking spanish.in fact find myself now having to count out more like diez, viente, trenta, cuadenta, ect ect ect. *shrugs*..although my espanol which i will admit i am terrible at..would probably come in handy here..i cant deal spanish people like that. Its creepy. Ok..here is where i sound like i am a racist or something..but serious..i just really cant deal that..if i am working in a bank..i want to be professional..i want professional customers..dont want someone who smells so bad handing me $100 that i have to sterilize...and makes my whole draw stink. *giggles*...been having to carry around antibacterial hand lotion..lol OK..going to stop with this stuff..

truth is..been comming home more pleasant..although really doesnt reflect in my diary..and well i have to learn to get the hell off line because it depresses the hell out of me. Talking to AJ was probably a bad idea..but loves him dearly..and now starting to talk to my old Master RT again..thats been tough..although he has been helping me a little on the low self esteem aspect...i still resist him but i do what he says because of Jim..knowing that it will help me for him..and what i do is just simply kneel before a mirror and repeat to myself what a beautiful girl i am, ..he really wants me to say what a beautiful slave i am..but i am not even going to start that..what a beautiful girl i am. .o0(should i even ask..but am i that beautiful?..seems so..many desire me..and i wonder why at times)

was talking to the "corner guy" on the phone last night..damn..if he was right here right now..would just fuck the hell out of him..wanted to..still want to..Even in some strange way want to go to his house tonight..have time..its early..but i dont know what his schedule is..but i am not going to..havent seen him in a few days being that i am no longer working at that branch so don't get my morning huggles. *shakes head*..I cant do this too myself..Funny thing is..that now that i am technically restricted by Jim against personal pleasure..which i am so glad he finally has done..seems like i want it more now then ever. Its like my whole body is getting more and more sensitive. Knowing that when i put my bra on feeling the fabric brush against my nipples..but cant touch them..and the way my clit could throb just sitting down in my seat..but not allowed to do anything..what a sweet torment..but yet..when i finally do get to touch myself..will it help..if anything hoping that after these 2 weeks..it will be HIM that touches me..rather then myself..but..who knows..will see what happens..although have to admit..i am getting desparate.

One last thing..been given an assignment by Jim..why do i find it so hard..started thinking about it..but its like i draw a blank..dont know what to say..and hardest part is..the fact it is an assignment with its own rules, own requirements..DAMNIT..if it was just anything would write the hell out in a chaotic email telling him all..and clearing my mind...but cant do that..so i now find it difficult...hardest part is the time contraint..if i dont do it tonight.must do it tommorrow..because friday i work all day and it is due friday..*SIGHS*..problem is i know tonight cant do it..i dont know..*shakes head*..oh well..

as for me..think i am going to go do something...need to get out..In a pleasant mood even if the last few posts dont say it..*smiles*..but i don tknow maybe i will go for a walk or something.

Friday October 27

Well today was a LONG day..as usual..i am exhausted..would have wrote yesturday but got into a...fight?..*sighs* i dont even know what to call it..but got into a big misunderstanding with Jim. It was almost to the point where he was about to get rid of me right then and there. Strange thing is i dont even know what started it...but is it true? When i lose focus and ramble do i become insolent, disrespectful, mean? All i know is..i almost lost Jim..i really did..and i was just so confused..Still a little bit confused. ALl i want to know is what happened? But that is a question. That is all i seem to be having is questions. I have to remind myself "do not ask how to live, proceed to do so" HOw many times must i repeat the lesson to myself. I am too thick headed at times to understand it. Dont think DO. Dont ask..DO, Dont complain ACCEPT.

I dont know.there is so much we discussed..he feels that i am lying to him...I am not lying to him..i just am having trouble communicating to him..or if anything Holding him back..yet the same token..i feel he is doing the same thing. He went through a series of Yes or NO questions to me. The one question i truly hesitated on was when he asked me "do you think i am lying to you?" I have to admit..i couldnt just answer that with a yes or no. I know he is not lying to me..he is just not being opened with me..Same as what i am doing to him..I am not lying to him..but i am having trouble being opened to him..and this is the very reason why i wanted to talk to him in the first place..His solution was the assigment..which i have to admit..*sighs*..I am still having writers block on. I am not communicated with him..that is a BIG downfall..i want to learn how to do so..and i want to learn how to do so soon..because i care for him too much not to..ALl i keep saying is care..he means so much more..but even that i keep back.>*sighs*..i dont know..maybe i dont know what things mean to me anymore. I am confused on definitions. Everything needs to be re-defined for me..because i will admit i am at a loss. Its confusing

Aside from that..well still working over time for the bank..think it might have been a bad idea..*sighs*..i am exhausted. although i do get sunday off...but been working 6 days a week for the past 3 weeks..and getting tiring. My only fear is going back to my other branch after next week..I really dont want to go back. But i have to. *sighs*..I just hope the transfer comes through..before it is too late.

On a final note..went to doctor regaurding my so called "cysts"..well have nothing to worry abuout..but they will never go away..same with my skin discoloration..and my wart..seems..my pynichia or whatever the hell it was...is just nothing more then a wart..maybe dr scholl's can remove it maybe not..no big deal..all this worrying for nothing..i am fine..just there is nothing that can be done. will have these for the rest of my life..and surgery is not only too expensive..but will have a scare 3times the size of it..so..i can live with a few marks that look like huge pimples..i could live with the discoloration..although..*sighs*..dont know how my partners feel about it..o0(yuck partners what a terrible word to regaurd them as such)..i dont know..*sighs*..*shrugs*..if anything i think i need sleep right now..not making sense anyway.

Monday Oct 30

well..today was an interesting day..feel rather good. Just a little tired. Work was all right..it was busy..and we only had 3 tellers..then agian..that isnt even my branch..*giggles*..i am still in another branch for this week..but i do have good news, on thursday going for an interview regaurding my transfer..*crosses fingers*.I hope it happens..and i hope it happens soon. I cant stand that branch..but then again..going to miss the corner guy. those morning huggles really came in handy at times..but then again i was miserable in that branch..i really was. Still is. Damn..i am talking as if i am already out of there. See thats just it..i havent been there for the past week..and i feel 100% better. I dont come hom in tears. I am not a wreck although i have been a wreck and slightly confused about various situations and problems that has been happening. But i come home with a smile. I cant remember honestly the last time i came home pleasant with a smile in my other branch.

oo do have to mention this..Did an assigment this weekend..it was actually hard to do being first off i wasnt even home for the past coulple of days..see it was assigned wed night i believe..thursday got into a tensed situation with Jim..friday was supposed to be due..but i got home late and crashed..but asked him for an extension on it. Sat i was at work..then went out..WOO HOO..needed to get out badly. Well had fun for a serious cause...Went to a midnight cosmic bowl-a-thon with a DJ, laser lights, the black lights..aww it was FUN...i was tipsy was drinking..had a blast..*smiles*..i just needed to get out..and plus..havent been out in a long time like that. In fact i havent bowled in about 3 years..i miss it completely..used to be on a few teams..and always played with my mother. The only thing is..well i damaged my ankle and that pushed me out. Even last night..kept feeling it crack crack crack..and when i got home it was almost double the size..had to soak it and massage it..was terrible. but..i had fun..i really did..*smiles*..really miss bowling..and well at least i still have it in me..out of three game had a high game of 185 woo hoo..now since i havent been bowling in 3 years..got to say that was a GREAT game...plus hustled my mother out of some cash because of it. ANyway to get back to where i was...the assigment..*sighs*..i am a little disappointed in it..basically the assigment was to clear up some of the communication barriers we seem to be having..but..problem is..that is all i really did..was just make aware we are having a communication trouble..tried talking to him..but couldnt..well anyway..here is the link to the assigment..its too long to post here within the diary..but he now wants me to incorporated each assigment into my diary. Random THoughts

Well..i know i have been bad with my diary entries..dont ask me why not that i am tired of it..but i get home late..dont get much time on the computer..and well..i was in a daze this week. Now i really dont know what to say. but things are getting better..everything is good...cant wait to see Jim..i hope i can soon. and well i am undergoing a week of restirction for this week as well..and that is torment..but it is a sweet one..*smiles*

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