Many thanks to all who helped, you know who you are.
Candy sat on her bed, her knees drawn up to her body and her arms encircling them. She had lost track of time but thought she must have sat there for nearly an hour doing nothing except watching the hands on her clock move. She had been in 4th grade when she had first seen a minute hand move on a clock. She knew that they moved, that was obvious; otherwise there would not be a reason to have clocks, but she had never actually seen one move. The realization both excited and for some reason disturbed her. But that was long ago, and now realizing that she had spent an untold number of minutes doing that frightened her.
"What is happening to me?" she asked herself as she pulled up to a standing position and walked across the room.
She looked into the mirror and studied herself carefully for clues of what the problem might be. Only her familiar face stared back at her from the mirror. She was pretty, she thought, she had wondered when she was little if she ever would be but now she was confident that she was. Not in a stuck-up ‘I'm so beautiful' way but in the same way she knew she had blond hair. She had been blessed by not having any more than an occasional pimple, not like her brother who suffered from severe acne. She had read somewhere that your eyes were windows into the soul. She searched for even an inkling of what she felt in her soul and found nothing.
"Candy, you'll be late if you don't come down now," she heard from below.
Candy carelessly shrugged into her clean jeans and button-down blouse. She didn't bother with socks but just pulled on her shoes and walked down the stairs. She heard the family talking and laughing in the kitchen. She walked in, willing her mother to see her; maybe if her mother looked long enough, she could tell her what was wrong.
Carolyn looked up from the table. "Well, good morning, sleepy head." she said affectionately.
Why didn't her mother notice? She wasn't a sleepy head; in fact she hadn't had a good night sleep in ... weeks? Months? Surely not that long, but it had been a while.
"Look at me!" Candy screamed inside, "realize that I haven't been sleeping, please!" Outwardly she gave her mother a weak grin. "Yeah" she said mildly, slowly, "I guess my body still thinks it's summer."
"Well, your body better snap out of it, you've been back in school for two weeks now. Speaking of which, we better go" her mother got up from the table and walked out toward the car.
Candy grabbed a piece of toast from the table and followed her out, her brother Jonathan bringing up the rear.
She waved goodbye to her mother before turning around and walking up the steps to the high school. Today she yearned for the comfort of the familiar school she and Jonathan had shared for so many years. She turned around just in time to see her mother continue on her way to drop Jonathan off at his school. It had been Candy's school till just this year.
"Hi, Candy" a familiar voice greeted her.
"Hi, Penny" she greeted her old schoolmate. She had never considered Penelope Hassenhammer as a friend, but it was nice to see a familiar face. She had never realized there were so many kids in this town before. ‘Look at me!' Candy inwardly screamed at Penny, ‘Help me understand what is wrong with me!' She leveled her gaze at Penny, willing her thoughts to telegraph into Penny's mind, willing Penny to reach out and help her.
"Do you have a head ache, Candy?" Penny asked.
"Yeah" she sighed. "A big headache."
"Well," Penny shrugged, "go see the nurse for an aspirin." Just then a very tall good-looking senior walked by and Penny was lost to everyone but him.
Candy sighed in disgust and went into her homeroom. She was the first one there, not even the teacher had shown up, and the lights were off. Candy, who last year would have turned the lights on and used the time for reading or study, this year slouched into the room, found her seat and put her head down.
She continued to keep her head down even through homeroom class and when they were dismissed, she slunk to her first class. ‘Algebra,' she thought to herself, ‘they want me to study Algebra on top of everything else.'
As she worked on the problems assigned, she felt the familiar fogginess in her head that happened anytime she tried to concentrate on anything. ‘Maybe I have a brain tumor, or something,' she thought. As she continued with her work, the fogginess became more intense and a roaring began in her head. She threw her pencil down in frustration.
"Candace" Mr. Bartholomew her teacher said sharply. "What is the meaning of this?"
"I'm sorry," Candy said almost in tears, but willing herself not to cry. "I guess I'm just not feeling well today."
Mr. Bartholomew softened somewhat. "That's still no excuse to have a tantrum, Candy."
‘I didn't have a tantrum,' Candy thought, ‘I'm just losing my mind.'
The weeks dragged on. Candy struggled to maintain her façade of normalcy. Except for the occasional incident, she thought she must have been doing a good job because no one noticed anything wrong. ‘Notice me,' she would yell at her mother inwardly. ‘Notice me please!' She would yell inwardly at her teachers.‘I'm nuts. I'm crazy. There is something wrong with me. Please, please, please!"
She spent less and less time with anyone and more and more time in her room doing nothing. She felt disconnected from reality and increasingly like she was living her life walking in a fog. Her movements felt slow and swimmy. Yet no one seemed to notice anything. She decided that was because in spite of how she felt, she still managed to do well in school and excel at sports.
She was relieved when the Christmas holidays came and she wouldn't have to go through the charade for a while. She could just hang out in her room and hopefully people would leave her alone. Her plan seemed to work for a couple of days. She stayed in her room and listened to her transistor radio. She came down for meals when she had to and then went back to her room. Beyond that, she did nothing.
"Carolyn, my dear," the resident ghost addressed her mother. "I feel as if I need to talk to you about something, but I also think that you will take offence."
Carolyn looked up from her article she was writing. She did a continued story in a ladies' magazine, and even though she was several months ahead, she was eager to get it finished. "Yes?" she asked distractedly.
He pulled another chair up to the desk and sat down. She continued her typing. "It's about Candy" he said, undaunted.
"What about Candy?"
"She seems troubled."
Carolyn stopped typing briefly her hands still poised over the keyboard."Troubled?" she said incredulously. "Daniel, what does that girl have to be troubled about? She's fifteen."
"Age has nothing to do with it, let me assure you. Haven't you noticed how she spends all day in her room?"
"Studying."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes," she said sharply, moving her hands onto the desk "Look, Daniel, it's sweet of you to be concerned but there is nothing wrong with Candy. OK? Trust me, I'm her mother."
"If you will forgive me, madam, that may be why you don't notice."
"I'm really busy. If your so worried about Candy, why don't you go just ask her if there is something wrong."
"Forgive me again, but I don't think that is my place. I think that is a mother's place."
Carolyn sighed. "Ok, I'll try to talk to her. Just let me work on my article now. OK?"
Daniel nodded abruptly and disappeared from her side. Carolyn pushed the chair away from the desk and continued typing. Now her typing was punctuated by ‘How dare he?' And ‘Who does he think he is?'
It wasn't long, however, before she found herself walking down the hall to Candy's room. She tried to open the door and found it locked. She knocked lightly. "Candy? Can I come in please?" she asked.
Candy padded over to the door and opened it without saying anything and went back and sat on the bed. She looked as if she had been crying.
"Everything ok?" Carolyn asked, sitting down beside her.
"Yeah, I guess" Candy said, pulling herself up into a sitting position against the headboard.
"Well, you don't look ok." Carolyn said, now fully convinced that Daniel had not been wrong about Candy.
Candy shrugged. She wasn't resistant to talking to her mother since she had brought it up. She just didn't really know what to say, or how to start. "I think maybe I'm just tired. I've been doing a lot at school and stuff." she shrugged.
"But you look like you've been crying." Carolyn said in obvious concern.
Even though this was what Candy had wanted, she began to resent this intrusion on her privacy. Somewhere in her mind she felt that her mother should just know and make it better, without Candy having to go through the effort of telling her. "I wasn't crying," she lied. "I just … I think…" she sighed again. ‘I just think I'm going crazy,' she said inwardly. ‘And I don't know why.' "I think that high school is harder than I thought it would be." she lied again. "You know there are a lot of people I don't know. And Penny is always scooping up anybody that I would like to be friends with and stealing them and pretending to be all concerned and everything." This wasn't a lie. "No one likes me and people stop talking when I walk by, like I'm some kind of freak. I try to get along and be good, they think I'm a nerd because I make good grades and they think I'm a jock because I'm good at sports, and no one really wants to get to know me." She didn't think this was really why she had been crying but she was on roll now and continued. "I never have had any really good friends since we have moved here, but that's ok," she continued hurriedly, seeing her mother's face "I never really cared, and I'm popular enough, just no really close friends. You know? And Penny. Out of everyone that I went to grade school with, why is Penny the one in all my classes?" she laughed in spite herself.
"You've had your troubles with her before. I thought that she didn't bother you anymore."
"She doesn't, not really. Maybe it's just growing pains or something." she said, referring to her grandmother's reason for everything.
"Maybe you should take it easier in school. You know, you're in a lot of activities."
"I'll think about it." Candy agreed. She hugged her mother. "Thanks, mommy." she said.
Carolyn hugged her daughter tight. "And try not be to be so much of a stranger around here. You know we hardly see you. I almost forgot what you looked like."
Candy rolled her eyes at the obvious exaggeration but took the point. "OK, mom" she said resuming her normal name for her mother.
Carolyn reported the conversation to Daniel who was waiting for her in her room, a trace of a smile on his face. They both agreed to not worry but to keep an eye on her for a while.
After the talk, Candy thought she better spend more time with her family, although all she really wanted was to sit alone and look out the window. But she did most of her window gazing downstairs, at least making an effort to be companionable. Captain Gregg pulled her out of herself many times during the vacation by asking her to play chess with him. She really didn't want to but he looked so pathetic she couldn't say no. Of course, he always won.
The day before Christmas Eve brought a snowstorm, leaving a winter wonderland on Christmas Eve. Jonathan kept singing "White Christmas" and coaxed Candy outside where she enjoyed playing. They built a snowman and had a snowball fight. They came in the house pink and winded and Martha gave them hot chocolate with marshmallows. On Christmas, a tree magically appeared in the middle of the living room and they spent the day opening presents and eating popcorn and playing in the remaining snow. Candy tried to shake off her feelings, but always in the back of her mind was something screaming for attention.
One day during her vacation, she was suddenly overcome by the feeling that she was about to explode with worthlessness, with craziness, with everything. She ran up to her room not bothering to give an excuse. ‘Why?' she asked herself as she went into her room, slamming the door. ‘When did this start? Could this really be Penny's fault? Or school's fault?' No, she was sure she had begun to feel this way before school started again. Maybe it was the anxiety of knowing she would go to a new school? No, that couldn't be right. She had wanted to go to high school, she liked new and exciting things. At least, she thought she did. "I used to," she surprised herself by talking aloud. She took off her shoes and curled up on her bed, drawing her quilt over her. She, who had never slept with stuffed animals for as long as she could remember, now yearned for something to hold. She wanted to get up and run and scream and throw things, but couldn't seem to find the energy. She settled for holding her pillow close and crying into it.
Unseen by her, standing over her bed was the Captain, wondering what to do next.
"Carolyn", he approached her as she was standing on her balcony looking at the ocean.
"Candy again?" she questioned.
"I fear we are taking her situation too lightly."
Carolyn sighed, "I know, I guessed that…but she seemed to be ok…she's been downstairs and having fun. That Penelope Hassenhammer has been making her life miserable at school" she said violently. "But she said that was all that was wrong."
"Maybe she doesn't know what's wrong?" he suggested.
"Maybe I should take her to a doctor."
"Maybe you should." he surprised her by agreeing.
Candy was resistant, but when her mother insisted she decided not to fight it. So she went to see the doctor she had seen since she moved to Schooner bay. He subjected her to all sorts of poking and prodding. He took her temperature and her blood. He asked her if anything was troubling her. She denied it. He prescribed vitamins. He told Carolyn that she was growing up into a young lady and that was a hard time for some girls. He told Carolyn to make sure Candy ate right and got lots of sleep. It boiled down to the equivalent of growing pains. Only with vitamins thrown in.
After her visit to the doctor, Candy took her vitamins and hoped this would all go away. When school started again, she made the effort to be more sociable, and tried not to assume that everyone was talking about her. She continued to hate Penelope Hassenhammer.
School got harder for her. The brain fog she felt was getting worse. Maybe she should have told the doctor about this. Maybe she really did have brain tumor. Maybe she should tell her mother. But what if they thought she was crazy? Maybe she was crazy.
She managed to struggle though the second part of school. She even managed to make the honor roll. But she noticed that now the brain fog started when she was around people. It made it really hard for her to work on making friends with them. Sometimes it would travel down her arms and into her hands, making them feel like they were asleep. Maybe it was a brain tumor, she kept thinking to herself, maybe she was just crazy.
She signed happily when summer vacation came around. She realized with a pang that she had hardly spoken to Jonathan since Christmas. It just seemed like too much of an effort. Jonathan hadn't seemed to mind. But now Jonathan approached her on the first day of vacation. "Do you still like me?" he asked plaintively.
"Of course I do! You're my brother." she smiled.
"I thought maybe you were having too much fun with your high school friends."
"Well, you are a pain sometimes" she teased. Jonathan smiled and she felt better.
‘What is wrong with me?' she demanded of herself. ‘I must be a terrible person if my brother thinks I don't like him anymore.' She sat on the beach watching the ocean come in.
She suddenly got a picture of some movie she had seen the very end of one night when she had gone downstairs to get a glass of water. It had been years ago, one night when Martha and Mr. Peavey had been watching TV instead of going to a movie. Some one in the movie, some man whose heart had been broken, apparently was walking out into the ocean, just walking and staring straight ahead. He had just continued walking till the ocean swallowed him. She remembered telling Jonathan about that and how they had laughed and laughed that someone could be so silly. Now it didn't seem so silly. In fact, it seemed like a good idea.
The thought that it seemed like a good idea scared her. She ran back to the house and up to her room, glad that no one was home. She began to pace her room and talk out loud to herself.
"What is wrong with you?" she demanded of her reflection in the mirror. "You are crazy. That's what you are!" Whatever this madness was in her mind, she wanted it to stop. What would make it stop? She considered for a moment and went into her mother's room. She knew that her mother occasionally suffered from insomnia and had some sleeping pills. She found them and took one. She didn't feel sleepy. So she took another. She still didn't feel sleepy but decided she couldn't risk another, her mother might notice they were gone.
She still didn't feel sleepy so she took a book and sat on her bed and read. When Carolyn came home later that night she found Candy lying on her bed with a book half open beside her.
Candy slept the rest of the night and on into the late morning the next day. She was happy that she had slept that long. It had been a long dreamless sleep and she had spent that time thinking of nothing. "If only I could sleep like that every night," she thought, "maybe I'd feel better."
She spent the next several nights wishing she could sleep, but not being able to. Sleeping pills became an obsession but how could she get them? She didn't think she could get a doctor to prescribe them. Besides, then she would have to tell her mother about not being able to sleep and she didn't want to do that. She thought about what to do and then remembered seeing some kind of sleeping pill that you could buy without a prescription.
She called her friend Mara from school, who had a car, and suggested they go on a shopping trip to Keystone. Mara was happy to go, and Carolyn was happy to let Candy go with her, thrilled that Candy was doing normal girl things and not sitting up in her room.
To maintain the facade of going out with Mara to be friendly, Candy had to go through the motions of shopping for clothes. She realized that she was actually having fun, but then she felt guilty for having fun. She told Mara about halfway through the day that she had a headache and asked if they could go to the drug store to get some aspirin. She became concerned however, when arriving at the drugstore because Mara walked along with her. She didn't want Mara to see her buying sleeping pills.
"Mara, could you do a me big favor and go pick me out a soda, and a candy bar?"
"Why don't you just stop on the way out and get one?" Mara suggested.
"Um..." Candy paused trying to think of a reason why she couldn't. The sleeping pills were on the shelf just inches from her hands but she couldn't just buy them with Mara watching.
Mara was looking at her strangely now. "Candy, what's the matter? Aren't you going to get aspirin?"
"I will in a minute, but I need you to go pick me out a soda. Please." she practically screamed at her friend.
"Ok, Candy, sure, whatever." Mara said looking at her strangely. Her friend walked up to the front of the store, Candy grabbed the box of sleeping pills and ran back to the pharmacy to pay.
Mara was waiting for her at the front of the store. "Aren't you going to take your aspirin now?" she asked, handing Candy her drink.
"Yeah, of course." Candy reached into her bag then realized she hadn't got the aspirin, just the sleeping pills. "Actually my head feels a lot better, I guess it was the air conditioning in here. Maybe we better just go home."
"Ok," Mara said shrugging.
‘Oh, great!' Candy thought. ‘Mara doesn't like me anymore.'
The ability to get good night's sleep did help, but not as much as Candy hoped. She still felt stupid and tired. She knew she should do stuff but sitting in her room seemed like a better idea. One morning she woke up and remembered how much fun she and Mara had had in Keystone. She thought about calling her; maybe they could go to the new community center and go swimming. Then she remembered that Mara didn't like her anymore. She sighed and went back to staring out the window. Jonathan tried to coax her down to the beach. Candy normally loved the beach but couldn't face going after that first afternoon, so she told him she was too old to play at the beach. Jonathan, puzzled and sad, went down by himself.
"Now Jonathan hates me too," Candy moaned to herself.
"Carolyn."
She jumped as the familiar voice sounded close to her ear.
"Candy seems to be slipping more and more inside herself everyday. We need to help her."
Carolyn sighed. "I thought she seemed better, but I'm just her mother." She looked at the Captain quizzically. "You seem to be very in tune with her. I guess being invisible helps."
"I don't spy on your daughter, It's just that I recognize some of the signs. If she were a crewman on my ship, I could snap her out if it, but she is not. And I don't know how to deal with young women."
Carolyn shrugged, "You always make me feel better." Her eyebrow lifted as if she was trying to form a question mark.
"Ah yes," he smiled at her tenderly. "I hardly think the same methods would work on your daughter." Carolyn blushed prettily. "I would suggest however," he continued, "activity. Something to get her thinking about something else. Nothing too strenuous or overwhelming. A mother-daughter activity, perhaps."
"Well, I suppose I could teach her how to cook." She was taking his suggestion seriously but felt that a little levity would not hurt things either.
"Madam," he pretended to be shocked. "Do you intend on teaching her how to poison the family?"
"Very funny." she returned, giving him a pretend glare.
Carolyn began to suggest activities to Candy, and Candy politely refused each one. Carolyn saw the wisdom of Daniel's words, but wasn't sure quite how to implement it without just demanding Candy do something. This had never been her way, and she really didn't want to start now. But Candy had been out of school for two weeks now and Carolyn had to agree with Captain Gregg. Something needed to be done.
The answer presented itself in a way that Carolyn would not have thought. Sunday afternoon, Carolyn was startled by a knock on the door. Martha was not at home she was spending the afternoon with Mr. Peavey. Carolyn opened the door to a young girl about Candy's age. Beyond her, she saw Jonathan, who had been out in the yard, gazing with longing at the girl's car.
"Is Candy here?" the girl asked.
"Yes, she is."
"I'm Mara. Candy and I went shopping to Keystone the other day?" she announced timidly, making her statement sound like a question.
"Oh, of course, come in." Carolyn gestured toward the living room. "CANDY!" she called up the stairs.
Candy came thudding down the stairs. She saw Mara and her mother in the living room. Mara was exclaiming over the picture of captain Gregg that hung over the fireplace. Candy suddenly regretted that she had not changed from her pajamas and it was past noon. She thought about running back and changing but Mara turned around and smiled. If she thought it was strange that Candy was still in her pajamas, she didn't indicate anything.
"Hi, Candy," she said simply.
"Hey, Mara," Candy said self-consciously.
"I'll go see if Martha left any cookies," Carolyn excused herself.
"You know my dad is the director of the new Schooner Bay Community Center, right?" Mara paused long enough to take a breath, her excitement palpable. "So he's running a day camp and he needs an athletic director. And I thought you would be perfect. So will you?" she bounced slightly on the couch.
"Gee, I don't know." Candy said slowly. "I mean, I really don't think I'm the right person for the job."
"You are the only person for the job," Mara enthused. "You're athletic and friendly, little kids like you," she ticked off the reason on her fingers. She considered for a moment. "You get to wear a really cool uniform and wear a whistle around your neck." She wiggled her eyes tantalizingly.
Candy laughed despite herself.
"It pays minimum wage, you can use it go toward that car you said you wanted."
"But we'll probably go visit our grandparents sometime, so I don't think it would be a good idea." Candy said next.
"We'll give you time off. Oh come on, Candy, please! Do you know who applied for the job? Penelope Hassenhammer! She would be absolutely horrible, and everyone knows the only reason she applied is so she can see Steven everyday."
Candy knew who Steven was; he was a tall, good-looking junior who was the lifeguard at the pool. Penelope had been drooling over him all year. Truth be told, so had Candy.
"You can't make me work with Penelope all summer. Pleeeeaaase." Mara begged.
"Ok," Candy chuckled "but how will I get there?"
"I'll come pick you up." She impulsively grabbed Candy's hand. "It's gonna be so much fun. I can't wait. Oh, and by the way, you and your family can use everything for free!"
"Groovy" said Jonathan who had been standing unobserved in the doorway. He grinned at Candy. "Thanks!"
Candy was too pleased with the look on Jonathan's face to get mad at him for spying.
"Ok, I have to go, but I'll be here tomorrow at 8:00. This is going to be so great!" Mara squealed. "If you want to tag along "she directed this to Jonathan "Dad is still looking for some part timers."
"Hey, cool" and Jonathan's face lit up even more.
"How did you manage it?" Carolyn asked Daniel later that evening.
"Manage what?" he was genuinely perplexed.
"That girl, Mara, asking Candy to work with her?"
"That" he declared. "I had nothing to do with. The girl genuinely wants to work with Candy. It may be that the friendship will do more than the work. But we shall see."
Candy cringed when her alarm went off at six AM. "Noooooo!" she moaned, wondering what had ever possessed her to tell Mara yes. She lay in bed for several minutes, contemplating calling Mara and telling her she had changed her mind. Then she remembered how happy Jonathan had been when he had learned the facilities would be open to him at no cost, as well as the prospect of getting a job. Mara had actually seemed pretty happy too. No wonder, since Candy was saving her from a summer with Penny. Still Candy lingered, watching the hands move on the clock, mesmerized by the fact. She may have gone back to sleep but for Jonathan's enthusiasm. She smiled slightly as she heard him sing in the shower. She hadn't seen him so excited for months, but then, she hadn't really been paying attention to him.
He bounded into her room, his still wet hair slicked back. "Time to get up," he said joyously.
"Leavemealone." She mumbled.
"Ah, come on, Candy, " he cajoled. "You promised Mara, and besides I want to have my job too. Come on." He grasped her hand and started tugging her out of bed.
She resisted mildly but in the end, she got up and took her turn in the shower. For the first time in months, she spent a good deal of time with her hair and make up although she had no idea why.
When she came downstairs, Mara and Jonathan were in the kitchen eating waffles. Martha grabbed a plate and handed Candy a hot fresh waffle drowning in butter in syrup, just the way she liked them.
"I'm not really hungry. " she began to protest but was cut short by the look the older lady gave her.
"If you're going to be running round after kids all day, you need energy" and that was the end of it.
It was a beautiful summer morning, and Mara put the top down on her convertible. Candy enjoyed the ride so much she found herself wishing that it were a longer trip.
Her ‘interview' consisted of an introduction to Mara's father as he issued her a uniform, and a name badge. He said how glad he was to get her; he had seen her play at all the games. He turned her back over to Mara who showed her around all the facility and showed her the staff rooms and her personal locker. "Right beside mine." Mara enthused.
Candy couldn't help being impressed by the facility. She knew, of course, that there was a swimming pool, but hadn't realized everything there was, or how nice it was.
Since this was the first day of camp, most of the day was spent registering the children and getting them signed up for the various activities. There was also a short session where the summer staff got together for an orientation. Jonathan had got a part time job helping in the equipment room. Penelope Hassenhammer, Candy couldn't help but be pleased, had gotten a janitorial job and would spend her summer picking up trash and keeping the bathrooms clean. Candy wondered how long Penelope would stick with it.
The first week was somewhat chaotic but Candy was able to develop a routine, it was fun teaching little kids how to play baseball and soccer, and she was pleased that they liked her. She also gave them time for free play and spent time organizing other games like kickball and dodge ball.
Most afternoons after the children went home, Candy and Mara spent time at the pool, or sometimes they just drove around together in Mara's convertible, both Mara's dark hair and Candy's blond hair flying in the wind; unknown to them creating a sensation for the local male population.
Candy was thrilled on Friday night when she went to bed to discover that she didn't need the aid of her sleeping pills to sleep. She woke on Saturday full of energy, not the chaotic sort of energy she was used to that made her want to scream and throw things, but a controlled good energy. She dared hope that this was the end of it, that maybe she was going back to normal.
The summer progressed smoothly. Candy and Mara seemed to spend every free minute together, even occasionally allowing Jonathan to come along. Candy even became able go to the ocean without panicking. She could once more enjoy watching the waves and playing in them. Carolyn would sit in her room and listen to Candy and Mara shriek with laughter as they chased each other and the waves.
Even Captain Gregg seemed to breath a sigh of relief. Carolyn had not noticed how tense he had been till she realized he was beginning to relax.
"Daniel," she broached the subject one afternoon when they had carved out some time to be alone. " Do you think that Candy seems better, more like her old self?"
"I do" he answered slowly, "but don't get too confident yet. These things take time."
Candy had fewer and fewer days where she felt crazy, but when they came, they were more intense than before. She thought it was maybe it was because she wasn't as used to them as she had been. She had been able to make herself somewhat numb to them, but now she was waking up, and it wasn't a pleasant feeling. In fact, she thought it was a lot like when a hand or foot would go to sleep, and feeling began to come back. She hadn't realized that she had been cutting off feeling anything, but she knew now that she had. Again, a lot like a limb going to sleep. She sat in the living room one afternoon thinking about this. She remembered that when she was very small, they had always gone to church on Sunday morning. She remembered sitting very still and in such a way that her leg would go to sleep. She loved the feeling when it came back to life, even though it hurt, so she would do it over and over. She wondered now what kind of person would deliberately like pain, and she wondered if she was one of those people.
She always managed to get up and go to work, and usually once there she threw herself into it and enjoyed it. The afternoons spent with Mara she enjoyed, although on several occasions she felt as if Mara must be spending time with her so she could go tell people how stupid or juvenile Candy was. On these occasions she would be self-conscious and pull away from Mara. Mara always seemed to tune into Candy's moods and would usually back off when she sensed that Candy was having a hard time.
There was one day around the middle of the summer though, that Mara found Candy in the restroom crying as if her heart were broken.
"Candy?" Mara walked over to her. "What is it? What's wrong?" She reached out her hand and touched Candy's shoulder.
Candy wretched away violently as if she had been burned. "Nothing," she said hotly.
"Ok," Mara said slowly. Candy looked up and saw the unmistakable concern in her friend's eyes.
This for some reason made Candy angry. "Just leave me alone, OK?" she yelled.
"No, I can't leave you alone." Mara said sincerely. "You're my friend and I won't leave you alone."
"Why don't you go hang out with Penny?" Candy said angrily.
"Why would I want to do that?" Mara screwed up her face. "Come on, Can, it's ok to be upset. OK? You don't even have to tell me why. I know," she said suddenly, as if inspired. "Let's ditch the rest of the day and go have a picnic."
"What?" Candy asked, looking at Mara as if she had lost her mind.
"What is the use of being the boss's daughter and the boss's daughter's friend if you can't use it to your advantage?" Mara wet a paper towel and gave it to Candy to wipe her face, and then she gave her some tissue to blow her nose. She then handed Candy her make-up bag and told her redo her face, it would make her feel better, and made her promise not to leave. "I'm going to go tell Dad we are skipping out."
"What are you going to say?" Candy said bitterly. "That Candy Muir is crazy?"
"Nope!" Mara said light-heartedly, "I'm gonna tell him that the day is too beautiful to waste. He'll find someone to take your place. I'll find someone. Jonathan maybe."
"He could do it." Candy conceded. "Ok, if it's ok with our dad, I'll do it."
The unexpected turn of events cheered Candy up quite a bit. She thought she should feel awkward around Mara for the rest of the day, but Mara acted as if nothing had happened. They had the promised picnic then went to Mara's house and tried on all the clothes in her closet. Then they went to Candy's house and did the same thing. Then they decided they both needed new clothes and went shopping.
Mara went up to Candy's room with her when she dropped her off. "Can?" she said tentatively. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Candy dropped to the bed. She laced her fingers in front of her and looked at her joined palms. "Some days are just kind of hard. I don't want to do anything but sit and look out a window. I don't even want to read. And I feel stupid and ugly." She took a deep breath and continued, "Sometimes I just feel out of control and like I'm losing my mind. And sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. Sometimes, especially when we were in school, I'd think that I was really standing in the middle of room screaming at the top of my lungs instead of sitting at my desk. Sometimes I feel like that at work and sometimes I feel like it when I'm watching TV." She stopped as suddenly as she had started. She looked at her friend. ‘You don't have to hang out with me anymore and you can tell your Dad I quit."
"I want to hang out with you, and if you quit, then I'll have to do your job on top of mine. It's ok to feel like that, I think we all do sometimes."
"You do?"
"Yes, I do. Just promise me that next time you feel that way, you just tell me instead of letting it build up like it did today. Ok?"
Candy crossed the room and hugged her friend. "OK," she nodded. "Thanks and I guess I'll see you tomorrow."
"You better!" her friend gave her a mock glare. "I'll be here at eight, just like always."
Candy woke the next morning to memories of the day before surging to her brain. She groaned inwardly, not wanting to face Mara or her father or anyone else. She had registered what Mara had said, and on one level knew it was ok. But surely Mara would look at her differently now. And probably Mara's father too. And probably everyone at the community center knew something now. Mara had probably told everyone. They had probably had a big laugh over it.
"Well, let them laugh, " Candy said defiantly. She dressed carefully in her clean uniform and spent several minutes getting her hair perfect. She ate breakfast then sat outside to wait for Mara.
Mara pulled up several minutes later, her silver car gleaming in the sun. "Hey, Can," she called cheerfully, "let's go."
Candy self-consciously got into the car and stared at the dashboard, feeling awkward and foolish. She knew that Mara must have been thinking how totally stupid she was.
"You know, I was thinking," Mara began. ‘OH great! Here it comes.' Candy's mind instantly thought of several scenarios ending with ‘so I don't think we should hang out anymore.'
"Your black capris would look just groovy with my red halter-top and I was just wondering if I could borrow it sometime."
Candy looked at her friend. Mara's face was all earnestness and Candy dared to think that maybe their friendship hadn't changed.
"Sure." she managed, "And maybe I can borrow your plaid mini skirt sometime."
"Hey yeah. You know, I think we should just go though each other's stuff and change our whole wardrobes. What about it?"
They spent the rest of the ride into work discussing their clothes and how they were going to change outfits. Candy forgot to be awkward and didn't remember about it again till halfway through the day. When she DID think about it, now it seemed silly.
Her friendship with Mara deepened. It was as if opening up to Mara had brought a new level of friendship which included not only Candy opening up to Mara but Mara opening up to Candy as well. Candy, who had never experienced this intensity of friendship before, found it wonderful as well as a bit frightening. This was like the kind of friendship she had read about in books and seen on after-school specials, but had thought could never really be experienced.
Mara didn't bring up anything that Candy had told her again, until one Sunday afternoon when they were lounging by the pool at the community center. The community center wasn't open on Sunday, which was another advantage of being the director's daughter. Mara and Candy had the place to themselves.
"How you doing, Can?" Mara asked lightly. Her eyes spoke volumes that her lips didn't.
"You mean about stuff?" Candy really didn't know what to call it.
Mara nodded.
"Better, I think. I mean, sometimes I still feel like I'm going to explode, but at least I can sleep most nights and I don't feel like I'm going crazy anymore. Usually."
"Are you still spending time in your room looking out the window?"
"Not so much. I mean, I do but it's different. It's peaceful, it's not like I'm just restless but too tired to do anything. It's really hard to explain."
"I think I understand" Mara said slowly. "I've never gone through anything much like that, except once in a while, but my sister had a lot of problems with that, she was two years older than me."
Candy sat up from her reclining position and looked at Mara intensely. "Was?"
"Yeah" Mara swallowed hard. "She just got all strange about two years ago, she spent all the time in her room, she didn't eat, she stopped sleeping, she got really mad if anyone tried to talk to her about anything. She just basically all wrapped up into herself. She'd start crying for no reason. Dad didn't know what to do, so he just left her alone. He's found out that is the worst thing to do, but he didn't know it at the time. One day she got a razor and she just cut her arms, all up and down. I walked in on her while she was doing it. I asked her what she was doing, and she told me to get lost. Later she told me that she didn't know why she was doing it, but that she just thought it was a good idea."
Candy gasped and Mara looked up." I never did that" Candy said quickly, "but I thought about it. I mean I wasn't thinking of severing a vein or anything, although maybe I was, a little bit." She looked at her friend to make sure Mara wasn't looking disgusted or anything. When she saw nothing but slight curiosity and maybe a little bit of concern, she continued. "I was just angry and I thought I needed to be punished for being so crazy and everything and I wanted to cut myself or hit myself or something. Cutting seemed a little less crazy."
"But you didn't." Mara guided her gently.
"No," Candy chuckled. "It's hard to find a good razor for that in a house full of women. Jonathan doesn't shave yet. At least he doesn't need too. For some reason, I never thought of a knife, but that's because Martha would kill me if I got blood on her knife."
Mara nodded in understanding and the girls shared a small laugh over the picture.
"So what happened to your sister?" Candy really was afraid to ask but at the same couldn't help herself."
"Well, she got worse and worse, then she ended up taking an overdose of sleeping pills." A tear ran down Mara's cheek and her voice became ragged. "Just you know, over the counter ones. Like the ones you bought that day. We're pretty sure she wasn't trying to really die. We think that she was just desperate to quit feeling crazy."
"Oh Mara, I'm so sorry." Candy was genuinely crying for her friend.
"I know," Mara smiled. "It just kind of freaked me out that day the drug store, I kept trying to tell myself that there was nothing wrong like that, with you. I mean you seemed so together."
"I did?" Candy couldn't help but ask.
"Yeahm so I figured you bought them for your mother or something, but you were really strange, so I was also kind of concerned. I mean, if you were buying them for someone else, you probably wouldn't have tried so hard to hide them."
"Oh," Candy grimaced, "I thought I was hiding them. I guess I wouldn't make a good spy."
"You would make a lousy spy." Mara laughed, "You forgot to buy the aspirin."
"Yeah, well, ok, that was stupid."
"Well, anyway, I wanted you to work at the camp really bad, so I came out and asked you to. I never noticed anything else weird till the day you were crying, and even that wasn't really weird, I mean, everyone loses it sometimes. But then I just put two and two together and thought well, it won't hurt to ask."
"I'm glad you did."
"Me too. You know, Jonathan has been really worried about you."
"He has?" Candy's eyes widened.
"Yeah, and I bet your mom has been, too."
"Well, she has tried to get me to tell her what's wrong a couple times."
"Maybe you should talk to her. You know, tell her that you were having a hard time but that you feel better now. It will make her feel better and you know, it might even make you feel better."
Candy nodded. "I'll think about it."
Mara stood up and stretched. "Last one in the pool is a rotten egg."
Their conversation was temporarily forgotten as the two girls tackled one another to be the first one in.
"So that's what was going on, pretty much." Candy finished with a sigh. "But I feel better lately and I think I'm gonna be ok."
"Well, I'm glad you told me." her mother said quietly, "I knew it was something but I didn't know what."
"Well, I just didn't think you'd understand, but Mara said you would." She looked up at her mother and smiled, seeing Captain Gregg standing behind her. She thought she would have felt awkward knowing he was there but she didn't.
Carolyn looked from her daughter to her best friend. "I really never did have anything similar when I was young," she said, "But when your father died, I thought I wanted to die too."
"Really? I didn't know."
"Well, I was being brave for my children. And I couldn't give into the feelings so I just fought against them. It wasn't easy. But my babies were worth it. And I was also worth it. But don't ever hesitate to come to me for anything. I mean it. Anything."
"Ok, well, me and Mara have big plans for tomorrow, so I better go to bed now "she yawned. She hugged her mother and kissed her cheek and went up to bed.
The rest of summer passed quickly. When it came time to take a week to go to Philadelphia, Candy didn't want to go, she was having so much fun. However, then she decided that her grandparents were worth it.
School started the day after Labor Day and now Mara came and picked up Candy every day for school. Candy had spent the money she received from working on new clothes for school, and putting the rest into the bank, instead of buying a car. She declined Mara's father's offer of a job as the after school athletic coordinator at the center, but suggested Jonathan, who was thrilled to get the job.
Candy felt a little awkward the first day of school, but it passed quickly. She now had Mara for a friend, and Penny had no power over her anymore to make her feel stupid. In fact, Candy now realized that the only power Penny had ever had was the power Candy gave her.
The highlight of her fall was when Steven, the lifeguard, asked her to go to the fall dance with him, and afterwards they started dating in earnest.
Yes, Candy had the occasional bad day, and the occasional feeling of being out of control, but she had also learned how to balance this with good and happy feelings, and learned to realize that everyone had these feelings occasionally, Even people she thought were perfect.
With a best friend like Mara, and a family like hers, she knew she couldn't lose.