Time Compression. It’s a funny thing in some ways. Made me realize some things about my self that I never even knew was there. So many revelations because of one event. Well…time compression was a pretty big event. Affected worlds of the past, my past, and times yet to come. Its scope floors me sometimes. To think that far in the future there was someone plotting on how to kill me. And she almost succeeded. I always lived my life for me. I know it may sound a bit selfish but that’s the way I was brought up. It’s what I learned from my experiences. Everyone that I’d ever loved really left me. I didn’t even realize how much it affected me until Sis left. Everything I’d done from that moment on was basically because, and for her. Heh. Sis. I called her that even back then. Didn’t know how right I was. Yet another thing I owe to Ultimecia. She really was mad…but at least she served some purpose. I found out who my mother was…only to discover she’s been dead from the moment I was b rn. One life for another. Hyne has a twisted sense of humor sometimes.
I never had a father. No that’s wrong. I never knew who my biological father was but Headmaster Cid was as much as a dad that I needed. He and Matron were there for all the kids. They made us strong. But they couldn’t shield us from everything. They couldn’t stop them from taking Sis, from keeping Zell from going, from keeping Selphie and Irvine from going. Everything as gone. It was just Quistis, Seifer, and me. Until we all got sent to Garden with Headmaster Cid. Not a bad life. It was one I thrived in. It kept me distant from everybody…just the way I wanted it. If I got close to anyone they’d just go away anyway. So what was the point? None. No point. Live my life for me. It was my life. I could do whatever I wanted with it. If I wanted to be a SeeD then fine. I’d be a SeeD. I’d be the best damn SeeD I could be. That’d show all of them. I’d show them what they were missing. Missing by not being with me. Show them that I didn’t need anyone as long as I had myself.
Seifer was a problem though. I always wanted to be by myself and he’d always be there picking on me, even when we were kids. I still don’t know why he picked on me. Well…tried to pick on me. I’d always stand up to him. I remember a lot of times Zell would end up crying to Matron about Seifer but not me. I didn’t really feel like I had to prove something. It was more like I saw beyond the surface. Seifer was lonely I think. He wanted attention. I guess the best way in his mind to get it was by being a jerk to everybody else. When it was just him, Quistis, and me he started messing with me more often. I guess he was lonely. I wish I knew that back then. I probably wouldn’t have understood. We used to get in a lot of fights. I remember busting his lip one time. Matron saw and she asked what happened. Seifer didn’t rat me out. He told her he fell. Matron looked at me. I was shocked. I didn’t know why he protected me. As soon as she left he came over and punched me in the stomach but st ll…it reminds me so much of when we both got our scars…
I guess our relationship is weird. I don’t know if we ever truly saw each other as enemies. I don’t think I could ever kill him, even if I had to. I don’t think he could kill me either. We’ve sure as hell come close but neither of us actually went through with it. He’s actually the closest thing I have to a brother. I doubt he feels the same way though. I’d never tell him.
Everyone at the orphanage was…is my family. I guess I felt close to them seeing as I never had a real family. Raine died when I was born, so she was out of my life from the very beginning. Laguna was…Laguna was Hyne knows where. Probably off on some adventure somewhere in Esthar. Saving people he didn’t know while his son grew up without him. I guess I can’t complain. I’m pretty happy with who I am. I think I did a pretty good job of taking care of myself with out him. Headmaster Cid and Matron being there sure helped though. With so many kids there though, it was understandable that a lot of attention wasn’t placed on any one of us. Except for Seifer but only because he forced it. I was happy by myself though. No one to worry about. I brought this same mindset when I came to Garden. As long as I took care of myself, didn’t let anyone else in, then I had no one else to blame if I failed…or when I succeeded, I had no one else to thank. I was always the one I could count on.
Quistis looked out for me though. I never really wanted her to, but I don’t think I ever went up to her and told her to stay the hell away from me. She was always like the big sister type. She was gifted though. I wasn’t surprised when she became a SeeD and then an Instructor when she was young. And there I was still training to become a SeeD. There was no jealousy though. If anything her success just made me want to strive for more. I pushed myself as hard as I could. I stayed away from every possible distraction. I studied a lot and when I wasn’t buried in a book, I was in the training center, fighting. I couldn’t let myself become weak. I promised Sis a long time ago I’d be strong. I wouldn’t let myself not keep my word. I would become a SeeD for her. In the back of my mind I always thought that if I were stronger, then Sis wouldn’t have been taken. I could have stopped them. Yeah…me, a little kid, fighting off Esthar soldiers. Dumb thought, but that’s the way I felt. Even if I’d fa led at least I would have done it myself.
I always hated the thought of having my destiny set out. I had to be in control of myself. I guess that’s where I became a bit of a rebel, outcast. I didn’t like people telling me what to do. I hated it. It was like saying this is what you have to do and there’s no other way so do it. Not like I had to be in control all the time…just in control of me. Who knew better than what was best for me, then me? No one.
Things have become so different. I see now how much of my destiny was actually pre-planned. I wonder now how much control I actually had on my life. It seems like everything was set up for that showdown with Ultimecia. I don’t want to think that the fight with her was the culmination of my life. Well…maybe I do. That would mean that at least the rest of my life is completely up to me. And hopefully, Rinoa too. I love her. I truly do. I never thought I’d say that or that I could feel this way about anyone…but I care about her more than anything else. I’d do anything for her. I wanna keep her from harm, protect her. Love her always. I was scared when I first met her. I felt an attraction but I was scared. Scared about the feelings, scared she wouldn’t feel the same way…scared about a lot of things. I resisted her at first, even when I thought she felt the same way. But when I saw her floating in space…about…about to die. I knew. I knew I couldn’t let anything happen to her. I loved her and I’d be damned if I sit there and not do anything.
I wonder what the future holds for us. I won’t wait to find out…

That’s all for Squall for now. If you want to get more from the depths of Squall’s mind, email me at AzStrife@hotmail.com and tell me.
~Cloud