The machine clicked and her voice was gone. I’d been staring at my walls for two days. With no classes to attend, no demons to destroy, and no Willow to talk to, my life was pretty empty. I couldn’t go to Buffy because I knew she’d be on Willow’s side, and I couldn’t go to Giles because he didn’t understand. I couldn’t go to Willow; she was the problem. And I certainly couldn’t go to Oz, because he was the reason I was having the problem in the first place. I sighed. There was no one in the world that I could go to, and I hated how lonely it felt. Willow still had Buffy, at least. She was lucky that there was someone she could talk to. I almost felt like calling Angel. I never liked the guy, but once I got over Buffy I could tolerate him pretty well. And he was the only person who might have been able to help me. Shaking my head, I realized that I didn’t need anyone to tell me what to do. I knew what needed to be done. But Willow had to do it, too. Glancing at the clock, I figured that Willow had already headed for Giles’ house. Her phone call was probably a last-ditch effort before she left. I picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number.
“Hi, it’s Willow, and I’m not home right now. So, if you’ll please leave your name, number, and a short message, I promise I’ll call you back. Thanks!” I took a deep breath.
“Will, it’s me. I’m sorry that I’ve ignored your calls. But I’ve been thinking, and I’ve come to a conclusion. I can’t talk to you now. Things are just too wrong. You don’t understand anything of what’s going on with me, and you’re going to continue to not understand until you do some thinking on your own about what’s going on with us. So, I’ll leave you with this. I need to hear one thing from you before I’ll talk to you. If you can figure out what it is, then we have a chance.” Hanging up the phone, I started to cry again. I was normally not a crier, but that was the first time that I’d had to worry that losing her was a real possibility. And that scared me more than any demon I’d ever faced.
I decided that I couldn’t stand being cooped up in my room, anticipating her return phone call. So, I got up and quickly got dressed, then headed for town. I wandered for a while, then I happened to run into Anya outside the magic shop. She was flustered to see me and I was extremely flattered that she seemed to genuinely care about me, even if she didn’t understand it. We hung around for a while, then agreed to go to a movie. It was actually a fun afternoon. When we were getting ready to part ways, Anya impulsively hugged me.
“Xander, you’re one of those types of guys that would have made me worry that I might have been in danger of losing my job,” she joked quietly. “Back when I was a real demon.”
“Anya, I’m nowhere near perfect,” I sighed. “Just ask Willow and Cordelia.”
She looked at me intuitively. “Xander, I may not have my powers anymore, but I still understand the female mind better than you do. Care to tell me about Willow?”
“You’re not going to be hurt by my obsession for someone who isn’t you?” I inquired. It was a crude question, insensitive, but I didn’t want to hurt her with tales of Willow if she really did like me.
“You know that I care about you. It doesn’t make sense to me, but I do. However, I learned all about how even though someone might care about another person, they don’t always get the affection in return. It’s one of the reasons I was so in demand,” she quipped half-heartedly. She sighed and shook her head. “I want you to be happy. I know that I would rather you be happy than both of us be miserable. Because as much as I like you, I know you don’t feel the same way about me.”
“Anya, I do like you,” I reassured her. “It’s just, there’s Willow. And while it wasn’t a good time for me to understand my feelings for her, in light of her relationship with Oz, it wasn’t a good time for me in respect to any chance for another relationship. I’m sorry. If it wasn’t for the fact that I love her, I would really enjoy the chance to date you,” I added sincerely. Her face lit up and she smiled, a genuine smile that touched me. Maybe Anya would be the one person that could help me out.
“So, tell me what’s going on,” she demanded. We’d been walking through our conversation and we wound up at my house. It was dark, so I knew that no one was home. I invited her inside to talk, and she accepted. We settled down on the couch and I opened up my heart. After I recapped Willow’s and my friendship through the years, I moved on to how our lives had changed since Buffy came to Sunnydale. Then on to Cordy and Oz, and then the present, with the angry words and the confusion between us. She pondered for a moment, then replied. “Xander, I agree with you. It sounds like your friends have become so accustomed to blaming you that they don’t know how to come up with a different scapegoat. I don’t blame you for being resentful. It sounds to me like you put up with a lot more than anyone gives you credit for, and now all you’re trying to do is get them to see that for once it’s not you. I hate to say it, but I don’t think your friendship with Willow can survive unless she sees that, too. It seems like you two belong together, but you can’t just jump into it. You’re being smart to work this out before you attempt to move on. If you don’t get it out of the way, then they’ll always continue to treat you like the inferior, insensitive jackass they’re used to thinking of you as.”
She leaned over and gave me a hug. “Thanks, Anya. You didn’t say much I didn’t already know, but you don’t understand how much it helps to be able to talk to someone. When Jesse died, I lost the only guy that I could really talk to. Angel and I were never very close, and Giles just doesn’t get it. Oz, of course, is unquestionably the *wrong* guy to talk to, and Buffy probably sides with Willow, so I can’t talk to her. I don’t have anyone who wants to listen to what I have to say.”
She was sniffling, and I pulled back to brush the tears from her face. She looked up at me with big doe eyes and I couldn’t resist leaning down to place a quick kiss on her cheek. Anya was surprised, and I smiled in a friendly way. “I’ve never been anyone’s friend before,” she admitted shyly. “I’ve always been the enemy.”
“I can understand why,” I snorted lightly, smiling to take away the sting of the words. “You went around causing men to mate with their sheep, or making sure that certain parts of their anatomy no longer functioned properly. No wonder you weren’t the most popular girl around.”
She grinned and retorted, “Well, if it weren’t for you unfaithful men that couldn’t keep your pants on around girls that weren’t your girlfriends, then I would be a normal girl!” She giggled and I frowned at her.
“Anya, I think you need to leave,” I commanded imperiously. “I don’t allow men-bashers in my home.” I pointed to the door. “Leave. Go on, go.”
She jumped up and started for the door. “All right, but you’ll be crying for me to come back in about five minutes,” she promised with a smile. I followed her to the door and held it open for her. “Seriously, Xander, I’m here for you. I like you a lot. You’re a nice guy, you’re fun to be around, and you care a lot about the people around you. Believe me, you’re a rare breed. I want to stay your friend.” She looked at me uncertainly and I swept her up in a big hug.
“Anya, I’m honored to be your friend,” I promised. “And I’ll make sure to call you when I need someone to talk to.”
“Or anytime you want to go have fun,” she offered. “I’ll be around.”
“Great. Thanks again for talking to me,” I replied. “I really needed the shoulder to cry on.”
“Anytime,” she called back as she made her way down the front walk. I watched her as she disappeared around the corner of the house next door and then I shut the door and made my way back to my room. Wonderful. Anya and I had developed a great new friendship. I genuinely liked her, so I was happy about the turn of events. But that didn’t do anything for my friendship with Willow. Sighing, I turned off the lights and threw myself down on the bed.
“Sleep,” I announced. “Sleep will protect me from what consciousness holds.” I laid my head down on the pillow and before long, I was snoring lightly and dreaming of a world in which Willow and I had always been together.