Safety Guide to the Math Classroom

Brought to you by: Mel (Be afraid, be very afraid!)

  AN: Well, hello kiddies! Yes, what you have in your hands, or on your screen, (If you’re on my site!) is another satire brought to you by the “sarcastic b!+ch” (as So likes to call me).  I did some of this after doing my homework and science project. So basically, this means I wrote this out of sheer boredom and a little brain spark. Songs stuck in my head while writing: Losing My Religion, My Sharona, Can’t Touch This, Every Breath You Take, and some various U2 songs plus midis. The inspiration? A convo I had with my table after we had our first encounter with “the wall”.

PS: Glomps to peoples who let me photo them!

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You, my friend, are obviously in Mr. Barbarino’s 8^th grade math class if this guide happens to come across you.  Though upon first glance it may seem like any normal classroom (littered with trash and battered desks), there’s more to the eye than it seems. Hidden dangers lurk everywhere, and I DO mean everywhere. You need to prepare yourself if you’re going to make it through this year.  But first, you need to gather things for your safety kit. Tip #1: Always, always, carry your safety kit with you. Doing so may save your life.

The Basic Safety Kit

• First aid supplies such as bandages, gauze, antibiotics, etc.

• A tough helmet

• Anti-bacterial hand wipes

• Ear plugs

• Standard issue gas mask

• A cookie sheet

• Mace

Extras (Not Required But Recommended)

• A few latex gloves

• Some pencils (or any other sharp, pointy things)

• Goggles

• Lysol

Keep your kit in a briefcase, a sturdy toolbox, or a metal tote-along.

Now that you have everything, you need to learn how to utilize it properly. Misuse of apparatus could harm yourself/or others. Tip # 2: Always make sure you know how to use objects appropriately.

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Join a first-aid class, watch a program on bomb shelters, whatever.  Tip # 3: The more you know; the more chances you have of staying alive.

Speaking of learning more, you should get acquainted with your environment.  There are several shady locations in the math classroom, but if you know how to avoid them, you can stay out of danger.

The Wall of Terror:

Looks like a pretty normal, safe wall huh? Think again.

First of all, refer to 1. As you can see, this wall has been badly damaged.  It can collapse at any given time.  Figure 2: The wall is bending in. It can topple over, instantly crushing innocent students. (We will go over the causes of the mutilation done to the wall later.) Figure 3: Falling debris. Bits of material can fly off and seriously injure a student.

Ways To Stay Safe

• Avoid the damn wall!! (If you sit near it, sorry, you’re screwed.)
• Wear helmet at all times in case the wall tumbles over.
• Wear goggles to prevent falling debris to enter your eyes.
• Keep cookie sheet close at hand in case you need to use it as a shield.

Tip # 4: Prepare ahead. Establish a sacrificial person to be used as stop if the wall really falls over. Tie them up and use them to hold the wall so that everyone else can escape. 

If your sacrificial person happens to be absent, follow the safety procedure below.

Pile bags on top of table for extra fortification. Slide quickly from your seat under the table. Tip #5: Do not try to get out of your chair. You won’t be able to outrun the falling wall. Besides, if you and the person behind you both try to get out, you’ll end up stuck, which is not a position you want to be in.

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Germs And Worms

            Ladies and gentlemen, the true cause of SARS has been found.  From disgusting remnants of gum, candy, and saliva, that’s what!

            More dangerous than any other threat in Mr. Barbarino’s classroom are the evil bacteria. They spread epidemic diseases that may become the ruin of our world! To prevent getting contaminated:

• Wear latex gloves before touching foreign objects.
• Spray Lysol on yourself, your friends, and the desks before and after class. Also spray anyone that comes near you.

• Wipe hands/face with anti-bacterial wipes before leaving the classroom.

Other Tips

• Put on gas mask to avoid inhaling chalk dust.
• If you have a cut or injury anywhere, apply antibiotic cream and reapply any bandages to avoid infection from classroom germs.

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The Class Next Door

Stats:

Total Amount of F-U’s- 2652

Classification- 835 Obnoxious Studentius

Description- Most are highly dangerous.

Kept By- Clown teacher.

Tip #6: Avoid at all costs!

            The class next door is responsible for damage done to the wall. Though some are tolerable, most are highly unsafe. This is mostly due to the fact that they are raised by a magician/clown. To protect yourself,

• Wear earplugs. Noise can reach up to 2000 decibels, which can cause permanent ear damage or hearing loss.
• If in danger of being attacked, use mace or sharp, pointy things.

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Well, there you have it my friend. You have now completed a crash course in math classroom safety. Godspeed!

 Come Home!