Dear Reader,

This is a story meant to take up right after Rachel confronted Carl with

the fact that she remembered Justine telling her she slept with Carl. The story

is also set up to be able to flow with the real story that played on Another World, when

Rachel takes Carl back after hearing that Grant was Ryan’s killer. I hope you enjoy it.

mind was filled with confusing thoughts since Rachel had revealed to him her

secret, his and Justine’s secret. ‘How could you do that to me,’ her voice haunted his

memory, ‘How could you make love to Justine in our bed?’ Her eyes cut through him,

deeper than he had ever felt pain before. He was speechless, all he could do was leave.

"Hell, all I do is cause her pain," Carl screamed to himself. He didn’t

want to go, but he knew of no other way to stop her pain. Carl again started towards

the door, but her voice cried out again.

"Carl," Rachel was shaking, Carl knew that from the sound of her voice,

"Carl, you have to tell me the truth." He felt her approach him, and he slowly

turned to face her. She had stopped in the doorway, leaning against the wall for support.

Her tear-streaked face caught him immediately. Her beautiful eyes were red and

puffed from her crying. Carl couldn’t face her, it was too painful, so he lowered his

head. "So, it’s true," Rachel asked, wiping a tear from her face. "You made love

to Justine here, in our bed?" Carl was silent. His head still bowed, hiding

his eyes.

"Answer me!"

Carl’s head shot up immediately. He had never hear that tone of voice from Rachel.

Her anger so intense. Carl didn’t want to answer, but now he knew she wouldn’t accept

that. So he uttered the only word he could.

"Yes."

Such a little word. Carl never thought it could cause so much damage, but it did.

As soon as the sound hit Rachel’s ears her knees went weak. She

reached out for the table to support herself, barely preventing her fall. Carl reached

for her too, instinctively clasping his hands around her shoulders. But Rachel quickly

regained her balance, and her anger.

"No! Don’t you touch me," she lashed out at Carl, her arms pushing him

away, then covering her face. "Just don’t touch me! God, how could you!" A

million thoughts surged through Rachel’s mind and all came tumbling out her mouth. "You lied

to me! You lied! You said you knew it was Justine the entire time, but you were

lying! I’ve told you repeatedly that I can take almost anything but your lying! Why, why

didn’t you tell me? How could you? I, I thought you had changed! I can’t, I don’t

understand. I, I have to think....I can think here, not where she’s been...I have, I have to get

out of here," Rachel turned and ran from the house and out into the garden. Carl could

only watch his beautiful, tormented wife as she ran from him, from the pain he had caused

her.

"You’ve done it this time, Hutchins," Carl said to himself, "You’ve

probably lost her for good this time. Dammit man, how could you have not known that

Justine was pretending to be Rachel! This is your wife, not some pretty little fling.

This is the woman you know every inch of, every movement she makes, almost every

thought. Where was your head, man?" Carl moved to the living room and sat on the

chairarm. "Get yourself together, Hutchins, focus on Rachel and not your own bloody

mistakes. Oh, man, you are such a fool. She’s out there crying, and you’re inside

worrying about your bloody reputation! Go, go to her and tell her the truth. That’s what

she deserves. You cannot comfort her now, but you can give her the truth. Then take your

bags and go." Finding Rachel wouldn’t be a problem. Ceasing her pain, getting her

forgiveness, that was nearly impossible.

Rachel sat in the rose garden. The winter winds refused to retreat even

though spring loomed nearby. The cold didn’t effect Rachel though, because from

the second Carl’s answer fell from his lips, she went numb. Now as she cried into her

arms with her head pushed against the concrete bench, her body sunk deeper into the frozen

ground.

"I can’t handle this," Rachel sobbed, "First Felicia’s affair with John and

now my own husband slept with Justine? No, no more. I went through this before,

but....no, no not again!"

"Rachel," his voice cut through the winds, "don’t punish yourself for my

sins. You’re shaking, here take my coat." Carl covered Rachel’s frozen body before

she could protest.

"How could you," her voice barely above a whisper, "How could you do that

to me?" Rachel never raised her head, never made an effort to look at Carl.

Cautiously Carl moved near her, sitting on the ground only close enough so his

out-stretched arm could reach her if need be.

"Rachel, love, I lied to you," Carl began. "Justine fooled me into

believing she was you. I don’t know how, probably because my mind was elsewhere. I was

still recovering from the break-in and my broken ribs. Of course she acted

differently, but she did a wonderful job of keeping just enough distance from me so I wouldn’t

suspect a change, nor would I question her distance." Carl paused to try and measure

Rachel’s state. She had moved her head to look at him, but her sad eyes revealed no

Other emotion.

"Go on," she said blankly.

"She moved out of the bedroom, kept herself away from me. Love, I was

aching to hold you."

"You mean Justine." It was Carl’s turn for anger to enter his voice.

"No, Rachel," he said with clenched fists, but then calmed himself. "I

wanted you, but I had no idea that you weren’t there, that she wasn’t you."

"But you made love to her anyway."

"Damn," Carl caught himself, he had no right to be angry, "Rachel, it wasn’t

so black and white as that. For weeks, dreadfully long weeks, the only woman I

loved came no where near me."

"No," Rachel shouted, "no I didn’t because I was in a Swiss clinic,

strapped down and drugged into unconsciousness!"

"But I knew none of that, not until...."

"You made love to her," Rachel finished for him. She turned her head away

from Carl and moved to sit on the bench.

"Love, so much was happening with Amanda and Victoria and the boys. My

mind was not on you..., I mean Justine. Not as much as it should have been.

She had prepared the engagement party for Matt and Donna. I was finally able to

breath again without pain. I wanted you, to feel my wife near me again. Instead I got

Justine, inticing me, urging me to join her upstairs. I was so desperate for you....I thought

she was you....I made a mistake." Carl buried his face in his hands as Rachel turned back

to look at him. His voice came to her between tears. "I was so desperate for you,

Rachel, you my only love. I wasn’t thinking, I....I didn’t realize the truth until it was

too late....until after I betrayed you."

Rachel almost touched him, almost stroked his hair as she had done many

times before to soothe him, but not this time. In truth she couldn’t blame all of

the betrayal on Carl. Justine had maneuvered her way into Rachel’s life so easily, too

easily. Everyone had been fooled by her. But Carl, Carl was the one person Rachel thought

she couldn’t reach, but she did. She cast a spell over him as well. Rachel felt anger

towards him for that, for being manipulated by Justine. He had betrayed her....he had been

fooled by Justine, and then he lied to her about that. That she couldn’t understand.

"Why, why did you lie," Rachel questioned him.

"I know that you’ve taught me truth, but Rachel you had been through so

much. I didn’t want to add to that. I wanted to forget, I wanted to never burden

you with that horrible sin. I wanted to protect you from me." Carl’s deep eyes stared

into Rachel’s.

"You should have known that Justine would use that against me. You should

have known that coming from her it was so much harder, cut so much deeper,"

Rachel said, her spirit so weakened that she could no longer cry.

"I can’t say anything to cease your pain, Rachel. I can only give you the

truth, which I have done." Carl’s eyes freely cried for both of them. "I can only

apologize for the crime I committed against you. I never meant to hurt you, to cause you

more pain. I know that I should have told you in Switzerland."

"Yes, you should have," Rachel stared at him.

"Rachel," Carl said, bending down in front of her, careful not to touch her

for fear that she would respond as earlier, "Rachel, please forgive me. I will

leave, my bags are packed, but I can’t live knowing that you hold hate for me."

"Carl," she said, finally bringing herself to touch his face, "I am very

hurt and angry by your actions, but even more because I know you would have never

told me if I had not remembered. It will take sometime for me to get past this. And I

don’t think having you here will help me."

"Yes, I will give you that. I will go quietly," Carl turned to leave.

"Carl, you do know why I am hurt, why I want you to leave?" He turned back

to face Rachel.

"I lied to you by not telling you the truth, and I lied to myself. I

betrayed your trust, and I betrayed our love. I fooled myself into thinking I knew every

part of you, but I don’t. Justine taught me that. I can never apologize enough Rachel. I

can never take back the pain." Carl’s eyes were pools of sorrow, and Rachel struggled not

to take him in her arms. Love was such a vicious thing at times. Rachel didn’t want to

love him at this moment, but that was all she could do. But she knew she needed time to

heal herself from this blow, and that meant time away from Carl.

"Yes, that is why I can’t be with you," she said instead of stay. "I am

glad that you understand.....so many times before you haven’t."

"Yes, well, you need time to yourself without me reminding you," Carl said,

shuddering at a cold huff of air. "Take all the time you need. Know this

though," he moved closer to Rachel, adjusting his jacket across her shoulders, and

looking in her eyes, "I love you, Rachel. I always have and I always will. I hope someday

you can forgive me, and that I can forgive myself. I hope that one day we can be

together again."

With that said, Carl turned and walked away.

"So do I," Rachel mumbled too quietly for Carl to hear as her head again

fell to her hands.