Title: The Change In Me

Author: Persnef

Disclaimer: Me no own. 'The Change In Me' is by Monique Brumby (amazing aussie singer) Distribution: Anybody who wants it can have it (but tell me where)

Couple: M&M, angstyish

Rating: not too bad. PG at worse

Spoilers: Gods, everything. The evil M/I thing (don't I always?), m2tm maybe...

Feedback: my email is sitting right there, glaring at you. And it's such a pretty addy too. EMAIL IT.

Notes: ::snigger:: my first Roswell songfic. ::sigh:: what fun

Another note: I, as an Australian, firmly believe that the correct spelling is 'mum'. However, for the sake of realism, I have used the American spelling in this fic.

To my Cotti. Where are you pet?

***

The Change In Me

***

Four years ago, I grew up.

So I saw you again today What a surprise You opened the door for me You'd dyed your hair from brown into bright white I always said it looked good like that

Four years ago, I was seventeen. Fresh faced and happy, and living life in a good way. I didn't have everything, but then, I didn't want everything.

I had everything I needed already.

And then everything left.

So I saw you again today Oh what a surprise It seems like nothing's changed And I keep asking myself why Why do I still feel this way

I had a boyfriend.

Not the most loving of guys; not the most affectionate of guys. But he was my guy, and I was happy with him.

My guy. It seems kind of funny to call him that, considering what happened.

We were really happy - well, I thought that we were, at least. We'd been going out for a while, and things in our relationship were really starting to come together. Mom was happy, I was happy. Liz was happy, Max was happy. Alex was happy, Isabel was happy. And most importantly, Michael was happy.

And then...

Then Tess happened.

And took my Michael away.

If I cannot have you then no one can have you If I cannot see you then no one can see you If I cannot love you then no one can love you

The dreams, and all that Tess brought with her.

Gods I hate that girl. That ringleted, back-stabbing, self-righteous alien airhead.

Michael and I really were happy. Our lives were going along just fine. He'd finally showed me that he cared, and I knew that I could believe it. Honestly, I had had all that I wanted right there.

And then Tess came, and gave everything that I wanted to Isabel.

I don't know if I hate her. Isabel, I mean. Tess, I know that I hate her. Whether it was on purpose or not, it was still her fault, and her coming here broke Liz, and broke Alex, and for that alone she deserved to die.

But Isabel... I might forgive her, one day. Possibly, maybe.

And Michael?

I'd take Michael back any day.

Given the choice, I'd never let him go.

I'm glad that they left Roswell.

I think it would have killed me to see him everyday, and know that he wasn't mine, that he was never mine, and that he could never be mine.

Or maybe it would have killed *him*.

Through my hands, of course.

I can't believe this change in me

Does that surprise you?

When I heard about Michael and Isabel and their dreams, I was, quite literally, ready to kill. The only thing that was stopping me, was that I didn't know who to kill first.

Isabel, for daring to dream about being happy with him.

Tess, for being the conductor that brought her the dreams.

Max, for believing Tess, for liking Tess, for *wanting* Tess.

Michael, for dreaming of someone who wasn't me.

When I realised the direction that my thoughts were taking me, I stopped them. They surprised me, at first. I've never really thought of myself as a terribly violent person. I've always thought that I was a mild, tame person, occasionally given to flights of perky quirkiness.

But then I thought some more.

Who was it that was known for their elementary school violence?

Who was it that would beat up guys in the school playground for the mildest of transgressions?

And I realised it.

I was violent when something close to me was being threatened.

And something very close to me was being threatened.

Very close indeed.

My relationship with my lover.

So I saw you again today Had to disguise my pain The way you looked at me Tell me what are you trying to say Do you still feel the same

So this thing happened. Michael and Isabel had these dreams, and Tess and Max had these dreams, and they all rallied their bravo and told us. And Liz was strong, and Alex was strong, and I was strong.

And we left.

We left the room, we left the building, we left the town.

Liz, valedictorian-in-waiting; Alex, small town musical hero; and Maria, their loyal friend, together until the end. We just up and left. We made up some bullshit excuse, and left town.

We couldn't stay. Michael kept trying to talk to me, but I avoided him.

I ran across him one day, just after we got back.

I've never told anyone about our time away, and I know that Liz and Alex haven't either. And neither will they. Those days away will remain secrets between us for all of days.

I looked at him, and he looked at me, and he told me Isabel wasn't actually pregnant, and I didn't answer him.

I didn't answer him. I didn't speak to him, I didn't acknowledge him, and once again, I walked away from him.

I was beginning to remind myself of somebody I once knew really well.

I didn't tell him that Liz had walked in on him and Isabel wrapped around each other, sleeping unpeacefully, tossing and turning.

Don't things get complicated When you don't expect them to I could let myself fall But I'm trying to keep a positive view All I really want is you

We left town again for good, once we graduated.

I wanted it just to be me: I didn't want them to give up their families just for lonely little old Maria. But Alex insisted, and Liz insisted, and they gave up their families to come and be mine.

I know my mom missed me, she begged me to stay, every minute for a week, but nothing she could have said would have changed my mind.

We graduated on a Friday, we left town on the Saturday morning, as the sun came up. Bright and shiny and new on our new lives away from our dim memories: bright and shiny like it had no right being.

I missed him every second of every day, which is pathetic but completely true.

But I was realistic. I couldn't have him.

If I cannot have you then no one can have you If I cannot see you then no one can see you If I cannot love you then no one can love you

Little known fact: Tess didn't stay on the home planet. See, the reason she didn't stay on the home planet was because she never left the human planet.

Shortly after we left town, the great big mother ship came down to find their great saviour Maximus the *fucking* fantastic, his sister the amazing Isabel, and her destined mate the sidekick Michael.

Oh yeah, and King Maximus' mate, the perky Tess.

Only one problem: Tess was missing.

See, another interesting and fun fact about me that I realised four years ago: I have amazing skills of death.

Tess was perky, Tess was fun, Tess was everybody's favourite hunny, after Isabel of course.

But she bled just like a normal human.

I wouldn't call what I did psychotic. No, I wouldn't say that at all. I'd call it... perfectly justified.

She took what was mine, damnit! She came here, and she gave him everything he'd ever wanted.

A family.

A purpose.

A past.

A partner to love him unconditionally.

If only he could have seen that he'd had that already.

I can't believe this change in me

So they left Roswell, but we didn't come back.

And Liz cried, and Alex cried, and I didn't. Why should I be weak? Why should I let anybody, anybody at all, see that he got to me?

Why should I admit that I too, was a broken little human, whose lover had left her standing in the cold and left the planet with another woman?

Why should I care?

And so, we come to the final change. I grew up.

I learnt all about the fun world that was being an adult.

I got to lie, and cheat, and kill, and have my heart torn out and ripped to shreds by a man.

Welcome to the wonderful world of adults. Be prepared to undermine your allies, lie in wait for your enemies, lie your head off, and whatever you do, smile.

So I saw you again today What a surprise You dyed your hair from brown into bright white I always said it looked good like that

And then they came back.

I've grown up: I'm not the girl I was four years ago.

I'm stronger, harder, slipperier - I'm far more like the Teflon that I always professed to be.

And yet, when I saw him through the supermarket door, I went week at the knees.

Miles from Roswell, three years off the planet, and he was standing right in front of me.

No Isabel in sight.

He looked the same, he walked the same, Gods, I bet he still even smells the same.

I didn't get close enough to smell, though.

It was a rational, well thought out decision.

It's been so long since I've seen him, touched him, held him, talked to him.

And if I had smelled Isabel on him...

She would have had to die too.

***

End