This is the story of a cancer patient as seen by the spouse of the victim. Sometimes it is hard for other people to understand the feelings of the victim.

It was decided that the best way to go was with radiation. There would be 26 treatments and they would be every day except on week-ends and perhaps a few holidays. These would be in the same hospital where she had the gall bladder surgery.

It started in the late fall and we were living in the country now so we would have to drive several miles to the hospital and the Illinois weather did not always co-operate. As fall turned to winter and the snow covered the ground we would have to bundle up and put a blanket in the seat and head out in our 4 wheel drive vehicle early every morning for the trip of about 25 miles to the hospital. There were times when Memi would be sick on the way back home through the snow and the cold and a few times we had to stop awhile before she could travel back home. Sometimes after the treatments she would be so tired she would just come home and go to bed. We really counted the days and looked forward to the time when this would all be over.

When this radiation was all done, however, it was decided that she needed more radiation than it was possible to get this way so the oncologist decided to do 2 implants. These would be done 1 at a time. This meant more trips to the hospital and the implant would be surgically placed in the proper location to do the job it was meant to do. This of course meant that this time Memi would have to stay in the hospital several days for each treatment. After each implant was in place she would have to stay on her back in bed in the hospital. She was not allowed to turn over or lie any way except on her back. Since this was radiation she was not allowed to have visitors.

These were hard times for us because I was still working and we had the house and the pets and we were trying to live as normal a life as possible. I was granted permission to stay in the room so I stayed at the hospital as much as I could but of course there were the routine things to do and I had to go to work as much as possible. Indeed, this was a trying time because we had thought that after the radiation treatments were complete there would be no more. No one had expected to follow up with the implants.

In 1990 Memi was finally released from treatment. It was good to have her back home again. I was still working so we decided that I would retire as soon as possible because Memi was still weak and still was not able to do a lot. So in July I retired and we moved to Florida.

Of course one of the first things we did was to find a family doctor in our new home town. We continued to go to the doctor regularly and all seemed well. After a few years we felt sure that Memi had beat the cancer. Now we were retired and enjoying the time together and our new life in a new place. Everything was working out well for us.

About Thanksiging in 2000 Memi was really sick and very weak. She could not talk and we could not imagine what the trouble was. The flu was raging but we had both had the flu shot so it was a mystery what the problem was. When she did not respond to treatment our family doctor suggested a chest x-ray. The x-ray showed a couple of spots on the lungs so the doctor ordered a scan. This too showed something was wrong. It was determined that the spots were cancer. After consultation and much thought and prayer Memi asked for a full body scan to see if there was a problem in other parts of the body. This was done and fortunately they showed no other problems.

Our doctor suggested Memi see a lung specialist. After checking with another doctor we decided who that would be. An appointment was made with him. We had to gather the x-rays and scans and many pages of records from our doctor and travel to Jackson, Tennesse to get his opinion. The visit was not good news. He told us there were some options but that none of them offered much hope. He told Memi that about the only hope really was her faith--her will and her good attitude. He said not to lose these.

After this meeting we returned home with our spirits rather low. Of course we had to notify the family and friends because they were all asking what the doctor told us.

We discussed the options and Memi has decided to not do anything and in the doctors words "let this thing run its course". Since that time many prayers have gone up for her.

She still has her faith and her will and her good attitude. Her voice has returned to some extent. The family has gathered around her with their prayers and their presence. There are days when things seem bad and there are days when we go out for a drive in the sunshine and just enjoy being together. Since spring is here and the flowers are starting to bloom we sometimes go in the yard to do a little work or just to enjoy the beautiful flowers. Memi has been able to attend church a few Sundays and we have started to do some of the things we did before. We still enjoy the bright sunny days and the yard and the beautiful flowers help to keep up our spitits. Some days Memi walks in the yard and sometimes picks a bouquet of flowers for the house. We are grateful for those days and for the times when we can go out together even if it is just a trip to the store or maybe just a drive to get out of the house awhile. These things now mean so much to us.

There is hope. The secret I think is never give up. Have something to live for and just do not, no matter what, do not ever give up. We have had some wonderful times from the time of the radiation until now. We still make plans for the future and although we have learned to live one day at a time we have found that each day, regardless of physical condition, can be a joy. Since the news we have all enjoyed some great times with the famly. Family is very important.

I thank God daily for every day we gained through the treatment and for all the future we have together. We never stop planning for the future and beleiving that God in His way will perform the necessary miracles for her recovery. The family and friends pray daily for both of us. We are looking toward the brighter days that are ahead and will always have the love and joy of each other and the people that love us. We both know that someday Memi will again be a cancer survivor.

UPDATE

Although I went through it with my wife I did not have to face it myself until 2001. We had retired and moved to Tennessee. The doctors had been watching my PSA for several years. The family doctor decided it was time for me to see a specialist because the readings were going up. I made the appointment with the urologist and after an examination in the office he said he thought we should do an ultrasound. He did not like what he saw in the ultrasound so he did a biopsy.

In a few days I was informed I had 2 cancers in the prostate. It was decided that before we did anything else I should get a bone scan. Back to the hospital for that. When I talked to my doctor again he said he had some good news. The scan showed no movement to the bone. The cancer seemed to be rather young and localized. After consultation it was decided the only real remedy was to remove the prostate.

He said if that was my decision the surgery would be done at Jackson, Tennessee. I called my wife and we discussed several dates and at her urging I told the doctor to make it as soon as possible. His nurse called and told me the earliest date was March 6. I said go for it. I had to go in several days before that (February 28) and have all of the blood work etc. done. Then we firmed up the date for surgery.

The morning of the surgery we met at the hospital with several family members and the pastor from the church we attended. Then it was to the surgery unit for me. The entire time I am told was about 4 hours. When I returned to my room I was surrounded by my wife and family members who had been praying through the whole thing.

Those days and nights in the hospital were some of the most lonely hours of my life. Family and friends visited and called but the entire cancer battle is in some ways a lonely journey. Two days after the surgery to everyone's amazement the doctor allowed me to come home. He told me that he had obtained a report from the pathologist and that both cancers were larger than he had assumed them to be. He also said they were the fast growing type. It was very fortunate that we made the decision to do the surgery when we did.

The following day I was visited by a home nurse that our doctor had ordered for me. She did her work and told me that everything looked fine. Some family members were also around so it was not so hard on us. They cooked and stayed with us and did everything they could to make our lives better at this time.

Of course I cold not drive during this time and my wife had not been able to drive for some time so we had to depend on other people for all of our transportation. If we needed any medicine or anything from the store someone had to bring it to us. It was not a good position to be in but that is the way it was. At least we were together and we got strength from each other.

The morning of March 15 I went to the doctor's office and had the staples removed from the incision. That was a highlight on the road to recovery. It felt so good to not have them any more.

I counted the days until March 26 for that was the day I was to go to the doctor again and the catheter was to come out. That was a happy morning for me because I came home without the leg bag. However, in mid morning I had a serious problem. My bladder stopped working. I did not want to acknowledge this fact and I waited too long to call for help. When the nurse arrived I was in real trouble. She had called the doctor and he ordered a procedure to drain the bladder. This gave me relief and I was good for the rest of the day and enjoyed a good nights rest without a catheter. It was glorious.

Tuesday morning I was feeling good but about noon I felt trouble coming again. Again the bladder refused to work properly. This time the doctor ordered the catheter again. This time it would stay until the following Monday morning when I again would see the doctor. Our spirits fell. That was not one of my better days. We were both so disappointed. I spent the rest of the day in a cloud of gloom.

The next morning I got up and walked out to get the paper. It was a cloudy and cool day and I just decided this thing was not going to beat me. Although I had the leg bag in place again there were so many things I could do. Of course, I would have preferred to be free again but that was not so. I decided to stay busy. If I could do anything without the catheter I should be able to do it with it. So, I got busy. I did some house cleaning and walked in the yard and picked up trash from the winter. I cleaned and sang and praised God that I was still alive and I still had Memi and everything was going to get better. I was not going to let this thing take away my joy of living.

I went back to the doctor that Monday and the catheter came out again and this time everything was good. It was so good to be free of it again. We were excited. I was going and doing things around the house and we were going out in the car again. It was a wonderful time just to be alive and together. Everything was going good and I was starting to feel really good again. We had had a lot of company the last few weeks and we were laughing and enjoying living again. The weather had been nice and warm and the flowers were blooming and spring was in the air.

The Saturday before Easter I knew I was in trouble. I was not able to use the bathroom. I knew what was wrong because it had happened before. I knew the pain would get really bad if I waited too long so I went to the emergency room at the local hospital again. I told them what happened and they got to me right away. Another catheter was inserted and the pain went away. I had an appointment to see the specialist that did the surgery the following Monday morning so the ER doctor said he thought it would be best to leave the catheter in place until Monday. So I went back home with another catheter and another leg bag. It was a disappointment but it was not unexpected. I had been through all of this before and I was learning to take one day at a time and to do what had to be done and be thankful to be alive. I had learned to not look at the setbacks but to look at the big goal. The doctor had told me that everything would work out although it might take some time. I had learned to look at it this way. The ultimate goal had to be to stay alive and to get whole again. This was just something that had to be done in order to reach that goal.

When I went to the doctor the next Monday I was sure he would remove the catheter but he told me to take it out the next day. He did blood work and told me unless there was a problem I would not have to come back for 2 months. So about noon on Tuesday I removed the catheter. There were a few setbacks and some in office procudures have been done but it is great to know the cancer is gone. That is the big thing. At this time no cancer shows in my tests.

Of course I have not been told that I am free of cancer yet. That will take five years. However, I am beginning to feel better in my body but the real change has been in life. The little things that are so often overlooked now stand out more. I am not glad that I had cancer. It will be a battle for some time but I do understand the feelings of other victims a little better. The victory is not entirely won by the medical profession but a large part of it is faith and an attitude that it will not beat you. To win the victory you can just never ever give up.