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[This document reproduces materials and notes from a workshop on healthy love led by Virginia Clemente. Permission to reproduce was given by the workshop materials. The sections "Family of Origin System", "Lifting Up, Letting Go, Sending Away", and the "Spiritual Exercises" were provided as a handout. The sections "Love", "Conditions Of Birth", "Healthy Love", and "Stages Of Healthy Love" were provided on the blackboard. My notes from the lecture and from the board are marked with [brackets]. Wherever this document preserves the original insights and style, the credit goes to Virginia, and wherever it misses, the fault is mine. —Edward M.]
[Love is such an ambiguous word. Healthy love is a state of being, a verb. You "feel" love as an emotion in the act of loving or receiving love.]
[Your family of origin is where you learned how to love, be loved, what love is about. It is the primary agent of socialization. You did not come into the world without a history. The family of origin sets the pattern for how to love and how to feel love. Little children love unconditionally until they discover they cannot for some reason.
[For example, think about the response when you walked into the room. Were you often criticized? Ignored? Were you smiled at pleasantly? This is the pattern you will follow in your own relationships. (From The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison.)
[Next, consider a boy child of a broken marriage living with his mother. She, having lost a bond to her husband, will often treat the boy as a substitute, creating an inappropriate bond between them and also weakening the bond between the boy and his father:
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M ----> | <---- F
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\ _
_| /|
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boy
This creates an unhealthy pattern in the boy for how to love and how to feel love as an adult.]
+--------------+ +--------------+
|Paternal | |Maternal |
|Great | |Great |
|Grandparents | |Grandparents |
+--------------+ +--------------+
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+--------------+ +--------------+
|Paternal | |Maternal |
|Grandparents | |Grandparents |
| | | |
+--------------+ +--------------+
| |
+-------------------------------+
| F M |
| O O |
| O<->O |
| O O |
| Parents |
+-------------------------------+
Self | O O O |
<----------------->O O O |
| O O O |
| Siblings |
+-------------------------------+
|Community Economics |
|Education Government |
|Religion Social Influences|
+-------------------------------+
Virginia G. Clemente, M.A.,LMFT
Permission to reproduce
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Directions: On the top box list all the things you loved about your
family of origin.
On the bottom box list some things that were negative
about your family.
[Common ways to protect yourself from fear of abandonment or emotional rejection:
o set up the relationship to fail so you won't feel the pain -- if there is any
chance at all you will leave me, I will leave you first to have control and
spare myself the pain
o no boundaries -- allow the other person to do anything to you as long as they
do not leave
You will find that in your relationships, the things you loved about your family
of origin will be the things you share; the things that were negative about your
family will keep you disconnected and be buttons that get pushed by the other person.]
Permission to reproduce
| WHO |
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| (list only "male" or "female") | |
| WHAT |
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| WHEN |
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| WHERE |
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| WHY |
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| [why am I still in the relationship] | |
| HOW |
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| [how do I maintain the relationship] |
Permission to reproduce
| NAME | WHAT THEY GIVE ME | |
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| 1. |
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| 2. |
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| 3. |
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| 4. |
Forgiveness is a process which is essential to healthy living and becoming whole as a person. It is a process to be entered with care and integrity; it is certainly more than merely saying the words "I forgive you". In scripture, forgiveness means "to lift up, let go and send away" one's fear, anger and resentment. It is a process of grace, or "lovingkindness".
In any broken relationship, there is always some wrongdoing on the part of both parties. Therefore, forgiveness is always conditional upon repentance.
[Forgiving does not mean condoning or accepting behavior such as deceit and betrayal. It is about how we can feel good about ourselves. There must be integrity in "I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me" or it's ludicrous. One must change the behavior.]
Forgiving and being forgiven go hand in hand. Although we have no control over the other party, we can express our part in the wrong-doing. It is part of the letting go of anger and healing process. The following is offered as a guideline to the forgiving process. It is offered to those who, in all likelihood, grieve the permanent loss of a relationship.
Material compiled by:
Virginia G. Clemente MA, LMFT
214-520-0977
Questions:
| ["precious child" concept] | |
| precious lovable valuable worthy |
(filled with love and grace) |
| helpless - powerless dependent - immature needy - vulnerable |
(dependent on others for these, and when they are not met, it's easy to lose sight of your preciousness) |
[That was you at birth and still is. Now, in the context of the "precious child" concept, what does this mean to feeling lovable and worthy? Who are you really? What is your purpose? It means that we are all worthy of love, and that love is an act of meeting another precious child's needs.]
/\
/ \
/ \
/ \
/ esteem \
/----------\ .
/ \ / \ [safety is the "love" in a love relationship
/ safety \ | because the opposite of love is fear (unsafety)]
/----------------\ gives
/ \ rise to [when we do not feel connected/bonded to parents,
/ connected bonded \ | we become connected/bonded to things]
/----------------------\ |
/ \ |
/ physio-bio: touching \ |
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[The Healthy Love pyramid teaches about four basic needs that all children have and that become the foundation for healthy bonding as an adult. Esteem is founded on the more fundamental need for safety, and so on down the pyramid. It teaches that if one of the more fundamental basic needs are unavailable, then the basic needs it supports are also unavailable. If these basic needs are not met in childhood (the first 17 years of life, but most especially early childhood in the first 6 years of life), then the deprivation puts wounds in you so huge that they are hard to heal. We have trouble then with healthy bonding. We spend a lifetime looking for someone to do for us what was never done here; expectations are so unrealistic that they can never be met. He or she is not out there that can take that responsibility. BUT: through forgiveness and grief you can heal this wound and have control in a relationship over what happens around the wound.]
[These are steps to intimacy. They are listed in the order given because they also function as "checkpoints" you can use to gauge the ability that you and your partner have to give and accept healthy love. It's risky to jump to the later stages before you find out if you and the other person can manage the earlier ones.]
[Can each of you educate the other about yourselves? Who are you? What is your purpose? What legacy will you leave?]
[Can each of you show your feelings? Some people can't feel grief, or empathy.]
[Can each of you show love appropriately? Show appreciation? Do things for people?]
[Can each of you find out why and share why you do what you do—what is the logic? Everyone has logic for what they do, even the outwardly crazy things. This sharing allows the other person to be more compassionate. Many marriages are absent this.]
[Can each of you validate the other's existence, even the crazy moments? The ability to validate can only come from the sharing in the previous steps. Most marriages are absent this.]
[Can each of you express healthy, loving sexuality? Otherwise, it is a friendship. Most couples skip to this step long before they have learned whether they are able to share at the earlier levels. The risk is that at the level of sexual involvement two people one may become entangled (emotionally, as parents, financially, etc.) without the capability to sustain a long term relationship.]