TOP 100 THINGS TO DO IF I WAS AN EVIL OVERLORD

As it turns out, the Evil Overlord list at EvilOverlord.com exceeds 100 rules, and goes into "Cellblock A" and "Cellblock B". But this time around, it'll be more than just myself providing the commentary. Since Dark Link and Rigel think they're so smart about telling me how I'm not taking over the universe properly, their thoughts will appear (in their respective text colors) as well as my own Original 100 list - Cellblock A - Cellblock B I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.  Didn't work for Master Pain--I mean Betty... I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. Aww... What's the fun in that? I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.  Intellectual Answer / Amen to that My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.  The "inner sanctum" should, but anyone else in the evil organization shouldn't. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.  Either put the mad scientist's brain in a jar, or his intellect into a laptop with no plugs leading out of it! / Well, considering who our mad scientist is, I doubt we'd ever have to worry about this anyway. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.  They did come all this way just to fight me, so I couldn't go and disappoint them... Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason. Of course there'd be a reason, it's called the "self-destruct sequence"!  This way I get to take those meddling do-gooders with me! Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.  Unfortunately, doing so would promote these things more on the black market. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.  Seeing the part of the hero played falsely would be nice, but it's still the part itself that annoys me... I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.  This can still be done, just be sure that you're not in the inner sanctum at the time. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.  I concur / But only if the oracle is hot. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.  Duh? / Or at least have a dispell ready. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.  A door's a door when it comes to an emergency... I will never accept a challenge from the hero.  ... unless I KNOW I can win. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead. Well duh, after that who COULD you send in? If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.  Just dismantle the ship / And first and foremost, look UNDER the floors! No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"  Then add, "Just keep the crosshairs on him; we've been over this..." If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.  Good plan... what is that again, COMMON SENSE?! I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.  If you ask me, the clumsy henchmen had it coming... Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.  One more shot AT LEAST... If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.  Well that's just great, "pure of heart" wasn't exactly ever a prerequisite for anyone WE have around... The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.  If there's enough turrets, nobody could ever make it that far. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.  Not just that.  All body hair... GONE! / Getting enough oxygen under that helmet? Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.  Kill the children, kill the family, kill all the relatives, kill anyone who KNOWS them, and napalm the town! / You know somebody for that? Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.  I'll agree to that one.  After all, why miss out on the fun? Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.  Speaking from experience, make sure that you're IN one of the escape pods before they start launching... Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.  I suppose this could be true, knowing myself to never again accept cookies from girl scouts that are 6' and have 5 o'clock shadows. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.  You EMPLOY robots? / We never have to worry about our robots being re-programmed into hinderances / That's their REGULAR programming, anyway. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.  Actually you can, since they'll both die anyway / We'll sell tickets / It'll make a "killing"! All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.  Not a problem around here, most of our uniforms are either welded on or a part of their body. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach. Unless I'm standing there holding it... "oh, oh, ya almost got it... whoops sorry!"  Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.  Here I am with you two dopes, I think we're good... If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.  I don't believe the missus will hear of it / Well, not after the last ones anyway, what were they doing under your desk? / Looking for my pencils... yes, pencils,  you elf pervert! If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)  The bigger the truck, the better. My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)  "Triple A"s or "D"s? / Just don't use any of those cruddy generic brands... If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.  Cutting the wrong wire should cause a bigger explosion than the actual bomb; like every wrong wire is connected to its own bomb or something / I'll have Dr. Tenecha look into the physics of that one just as soon as I figure out what you just said. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget. The military is good, but your fortress should still be cool enough to be worth defending. The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.  That, and we're less likely to have any mishaps with the boogeyman... If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)  Screw the situation, break the napalm out! I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.  Don't even bother with a chamber pot, give them an old fashioned hole that they have to go to the corner with and use like animals / They could try and tunnel through the hole, but what they'd be up to their eyeballs in down there would be more painful than staying in the cell. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero. I currently have one son, and I can barely handle him, let alone wanting to have any more... / Funny, I would've called him a daughter, but it's too close to call! If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.  It's poetry... truely worthy of the title: Evil Genius! If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.  Does the term BACKFIRE mean anything to you? I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.  Remember, the term overkill is not just a right to the Evil Overlord, it's downright amusing too! My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.  Sending false signals through the pipes should take care of that / Indeed, we'll just send Drumman to practice on the pipes whenever the need arises. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.  Vaporizing is a great spectator sport. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.  Nobody is COMPLETELY trusted... Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.  True, and based on theory, you could read them, Mewthree... / Am I being insulted here? Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling. ... We have ceilings? I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".  Yes, we need ALL the ideas for this area that can be given by any mind between the ages of 3 and 30. I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.  Fine, I'll do it... I'll be god... / Who says you're trusted?  You don't protect this dip from harm! / Neither do you, and it's YOUR job... I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.  Even third chance, if available. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.  Sure, I guess a girl could defeat me too / I could've called that one... I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.  Time is of the essence here, so let's go that way! If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.  We've been over this one before... we kill them, their families, their relatives, anyone who KNOWS them, and napalm the town! / ... Having issues? If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available. A slit of the throat, and we're good. / Use the superweapon too, just to be sure. Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.  It better get stolen; keepin that thing around would likely get ME messed up by it instead. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.  ...we NEED that potato salad. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell. 1). Stand back / 2). Send in Leadman Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.  Good plan... inept guards should be shot on sight. I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.  When in doubt, do whatever works / . . . and "dynamite in the pants"! If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.  Put it on 'Antiques Roadshow' instead / Or eBay for that matter When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.  Instead, we'll go right into their camp and do something to hinder their progress / We'll put icey-hot in their jockstraps! / I was gonna say put Viagra in their morning tang, but I like that too! I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.  I could give people around here the RIGHT info and they'd screw it up...! As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.  Mewthree, you're telepathic you dumbass! If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.  We'll give you a big black book / Can I have a pop-up book instead? If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.  Chicks DIG the 'evil programmer' I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.  "Wheel of immorality, turn turn turn; tell us the torture that....we...should....uh, learn? / "Whoo!  Trip to Hawaii!" If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.  Done, and I've also written the number to the computer repairman in permanent marker on the wall over the phone, right next to the number to the pizza place! I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.  Indeed, it's always good to distribute one's hatred equally. I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.  An obsidian shape would work well, very repelling and pointy for the intruders.  I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.  Good plan / I don't think Crystal Warriors need sleep, but the theory is still solid. Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.  . . . . WHA?! / Even I caught this one! / YOU?! Dear lord, we've had a breakthrough! If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.  Spoken like a TRUE weiner! / You don't wait that long, get him right after the rescue! I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.  Well..... who ya gonna call? I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.  You EMPLOY dim-wits? If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.  Alright fine, but I better get some results for being this chick's 'sugar-daddy'... If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.  Just tackle him down instead. I will not outsource core functions.  Last thing we'd want is a power outage... *does impression of Leadman* "Hey, who turned out da lights?" If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.  Get rid of the hero so there's nobody to reverse the energy to. I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.  And other stuff packed just for fun. I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.  Whatever, whatever... I just wanna party! / And I wanna trick the kids into thinking you're the pinata again! Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.  Okay...Good plan... when guys don't follow that rule, it gets messy.  Literally.  With their innards. I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).  I'm a master of disguise anyway, these fools have no chance! *practices his Richard Nixon and Peewee Herman* If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.  If it's a cute girl, an octupus will be involved somehow. I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.  Part A: shoot.  Part 2: laugh / Isn't that supposed to be Part B? / That's what they WANT you to think... I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.  I've got better torture methods than famine... / Like plague? I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.  That, and they smell. I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.  Worst case scenario,it's Master Roshi... If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.  Preparations A through G were always a complete failure... / Here's to Preparation H! / Leaves more cream than... wait, were'nt we talking about how to take over the world before? I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.  God praise the proper social services... If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.  Especially if she's still under the desk / Consort torture...? If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.  Keep your hostages unconsious / And put her in a schoolgirl outfit, just because... I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.  Wasting valuable time and effort for an elaborate deception....? I like it! I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.  Well, there's always killing them, or putting them in severe pain... I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.  Like Dark Link just said, to kill or put them in severe pain. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.  Especially if the safety's on... / Give out the bayonettes / One for each! I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.  The cardinal rule of evil! / Staying head on forever, with everybody else on their toes! I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.  So, cancel that thing with Bowser? / Most likely... but keep us open for that mini-golf game / This rule just proves that a change in power doesn't last long... During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.  War or peace, the schedule shall not be changed / okay, golf at 9:30? / . . . no.

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