The fanfic writer turned her attention back to the crowd. "Okay,
Mr. Tapert and Ga..." she turned to the bard. "Gabrielle,
is it?"
"Mmm," the disgusted Amazon barely made a sound.
"Mr. Tapert and Gabrielle will stay here while the rest of you follow me to the challenge site."
A few of the castaways grumbled, but they obediently followed their leader into the jungle. Xena, of course, didn't budge.
"You better get going, Xena," Gabrielle said.
"I don't recall signing up to play a game," the warrior responded.
"Xena..." the Amazon reminded. "This might be our ticket out of here. Just go along with it, okay?"
The raven-haired woman looked at Tapert then back to her friend. "Will things be okay here, Gabrielle?"
"I think I can handle Big Red," the bard assured her partner.
"Try not to hurt him," the warrior whispered.
"I won't," Gabrielle said quietly. "But I may scare him just a bit."
Xena grinned and put her hand to Gabrielle's cheek. "Be back soon, 'kay?"
The bard returned the warrior's smile. Rob flinched, as had become a habit when seeing the closeness of the two women. Xena gave him a piercing look for good measure and headed in the direction of the other castaways.
Gabrielle took a moment to admire her departing friend and then directed her attention towards the partially plucked pheasants.
"Why don't you help me with these, Tapert?" she asked as she knelt down beside the lifeless birds, trying her best to be civil.
"Look Renee," the man said seriously. "I know how you and Lucy love to joke around, but, honestly, you've gone too far this time."
Gabrielle rolled her eyes, shook her head, and focused on the task at hand.
"You've done a marvelous job with the set and the actors," he continued. "I'm not so sure about the ethics involved with whatever kind of drug you used to get me here though..."
"Xena and I didn't bring you here, Tapert," the bard informed him.
"Xena and I! Xena and I!" he aped. "You do realize that I can kill your character off at any moment, don't you?"
The blonde stopped removing feathers from her fallen prey and looked up at the self-important TV executive. "Are you threatening me?"
"Are you going to put an end to this game?"
"Believe me," she said solemnly. "If I could put an end to this insanity, I would."
"Dammit, Renee!" Tapert whined. "What is this about? Do you want more screen time? Fine. You got it. Now go tell Lucy that it's 'game over' and we're going home!"
Gabrielle stood to face her antagonist. "I don't know who this Renee is that you speak of, but she must be a stronger woman than me to put up with such relentless stupidity."
"I fail to see the humor in this."
"So much for your vision then," she said condescendingly.
"Oh, that's it!" he scoffed. "You think you can do a better job than me! You want to direct again!" He laughed to himself. "Well, fine. I'll give you another episode."
Internally, his thoughts weren't so gracious. Another episode with a stolen plot that's a logistical nightmare. He smirked. "Can we leave this godforsaken place now?"
The Amazon looked around them. "I don't see anyone keeping you here."
"I'm not leaving without my wife," declared the redhead.
"I don't know what to tell you, Tapert."
"I'm going to go find Lucy," he stated defiantly and took off toward the nearby jungle.
"Happy trails..." the bard mumbled half-heartedly and returned to cleaning her catch.
Xena remained a few paces behind godconnie and the ragtag Survivor contestants as they made their way toward the day's reward challenge area. Her mind was filled with conflicting thoughts and feelings.
For years, the warrior had followed her gut instinct, rarely taking time to contemplate the ramifications of her actions.
Act, don't react, was the philosophy she had always tried to impose upon Gabrielle, whose response was usually a droll, "At times, perhaps, but an unexamined life isn't worth living." And while Xena understood that her personal modus operandi had served her well in most situations and would continue to do so, she could no longer deny the fact that her blind focus on 'results' had caused her to nearly lose the one thing that was most important to her.
The warrior's miracle pregnancy and the responsibilities, as well as the fatal mistakes that came with it, had been so traumatic on so many levels that the complexities were hard to fathom. One thing was absolutely certain - had Gabrielle been an average person, their partnership would have not only been ended, but obliterated beyond all recognition. The bard, however, was an extraordinary woman with the capacity to forgive the most heinous crimes committed against her.
But how can she carry on as if nothing happened? Xena asked herself. I killed her. Killed her... The image of the fatally wounded bard lying in a pool of her own blood played over and over in the warrior's mind. How do I make up for that? 'Sorry I sliced your head open, Gabrielle, but it was the only way'? She scoffed at her own feeble excuse. There were a hundred different things I could have done... So what caused me to aim for her head?
Just then, two small, exotic-looking insects - one with the face of RenPics staff writer, Roberto Orci, the other with the face of his partner, Alex Kurtzman - began buzzing furiously around the dark woman's head. In a flash, Xena had captured them in the palm of her hand.
"You'll pay for this, Tapert!" croaked the Orci bug almost imperceptibly as the warrior crushed the life out of him.
"Oh my God! She killed Orci!," the Kurtzman bug yelped. "You bast..." He was squashed before he could get the last syllable out.
Tapert... she repeated internally.
Xena's concentration was broken by a small hand waving in front of her face.
"Yesssss?" the warrior exhaled, remarkably controlling her temper.
"Sorry, Xena," Colleen apologized. "You looked like you were out of it for a moment. I thought it might be a repercussion from the bump on your head."
"No," she said thoughtfully. "It's a repercussion from something much more serious."
"Do you need to rest?" asked the co-ed.
"No. I need to make things right," the blue-eyed beauty said firmly.
"Can I help?"
"Yes. You can show me the way to this reward challenge." Xena smiled warmly at the sweet girl who reminded her a bit of Gabrielle when they first met.
"Right this way,
milady!" giggled Colleen as she gestured to the path ahead
of them.
Rob Tapert was a man on a mission. He was used to getting his way and, as far as he was concerned, today would be no different. He was wrong, of course, but he didn't know that yet.
He had followed the same jungle passage that Xena and the Survivor contestants had taken earlier, but thanks to the magic of Mezzo who had figured out how to return her own voluptuous she-breasts in a matter of minutes, it was now impossible for him to reach his desired destination.
After passing the same large mandrake plant for the third time, the self-proclaimed genius realized that he was inexplicably going in circles.
"Sonofamotherlovingbacchae!!!" the irritated executive grumbled loudly. "How can I be going in circles if the path is straight?"
"Forward, never straight," uttered a melodic, disembodied voice.
"Huh?" Tapert looked around him with a start. "Who said that?"
He was answered with silence.
"Show yourself!" he bellowed.
Again, silence.
"I was going north the entire time! There is no possible way that I could end up where I started!"
No response.
"It's not like I don't know which way is north! You... You... Blasted pranksters!"
Absolute quiet.
"You're trying to drive me insane, aren't you?!"
Not even a peep.
The executive decided that if he stood perfectly still and concentrated fully, he would, with his exceptional intellect and hearing, decipher where the mysterious voice had come from.
"Pssssst!"
Tapert whirled around to face a seemingly empty jungle. "Who's there?"
"Over here!" a decidedly male voice whispered. Tapert's eyes wandered down to where a scruffy, young blonde man was crouching behind a large palm tree. "Come closer," the blonde implored quietly.
Tapert creeped a few inches nearer.
"I've got something for you," the stranger informed him.
"What could you possibly have for me?" Tapert asked suspisciously.
"A person-to-person call..."
"You have a phone?!" the redhead asked excitedly. This was the most promising news he'd heard in two days.
"Right here..." said the young man as he reached behind him and pulled out a sea shell.
"What the?" Tapert furrowed his rusty brow at the ridiculously offered item.
"Don't keep 'em waiting! It's long distance!" A seemingly sincere smile graced the lad's face as he thrust the crustacean towards the executive.
"Oh hell..." reasoned Tapert. "Nothing else in this place makes sense, so why can't a sea shell be a telephone?" He reached out to take the object from the blonde.
"Hello?" Rob spoke into the hollow shell.
"Hahahahahahahahaha!!!" The stranger howled. Tapert's chapped lips drew into a viscious snarl as it dawned on him that he'd been played for a fool.
"Good Lord, man!" blurted the blonde. "It's a sea shell, not a phone! Any moron can tell the difference!"
"Arrrgh!" yelled the usually more articulate producer.
The towhead continued to chortle.
In an uncharacteristic bout of violence, the executive hurled the shell at the giggling stranger. Luckily for the blonde, and for Tapert's bank account, Rob threw like Joxer. His trajectory was a foot off the mark.
"Whoa there, buddy!" the now sober fair-haired man reprimanded. "Fly off the handle much?"
"Who are you?!!" Tapert demanded.
"The name's Greg," the blonde presented his hand. "Greg Buis."
Rob blatantly ignored the offered appendage.
"I was voted off of the island a couple nights ago," added the young man. "I'm supposed to be kicking it back at the resort, but I thought I might try to catch some unsupervised lovin' with Colleen... Or Jenna." He thought for a moment. "Or Rich."
"You're one of those Survivors?"
"Was. Yep. Now I'm one of the jury," he laughed at himself even though he'd said nothing funny. "How'd you like to depend on me for a million dollar payday?"
Tapert, having determined that Greg was of no use to him, walked away without a word.
"Hey!" the blonde whined. "Where are you going?"
"I'm looking for my wife."
The ex-castaway ran to catch up. "Can I come too?"
"What? No!"
"Pleeeeeeeease!!!" Greg pleaded.
"Are you daft?"
"Yes, I am, actually. Can I come?"
"I'm surrounded by lunatics!" Tapert stopped and spoke to the sky.
"Whaddaya got against lunatics, Skippy?" asked Greg.
"The name is Tapert," the redhead said seriously as he resumed walking.
"Whaddaya got against lunatics, Tippy?" Greg prodded; falling in step with the exasperated producer.
"Don't you have some chicks to bang?" asked a disgusted Tapert.
"Your wife is a chick, isn't she?"
"How dare you?!!!" Tapert's hands were wrung around the blonde's neck in an instant.
"Grrrg! Uggg! Kakkk!" Greg struggled for a few seconds until he got the upper hand on his older attacker. Grabbing Tapert's wrists and wresting his hands free of their chokehold, the Survivor kicked his assailant's feet out from under him and knocked him to the ground.
"You don't play well with others, do you?" asked Greg as he straddled the out-of-breath executive, pinning his arms to the ground.
"Get off of me, you pansy!" Tapert's complexion began to turn redder than usual.
"Now that isn't very PC of you," chastised Greg.
"PC, my ass!"
"I'll beat your ass!" the blonde teased. "You'd like that, wouldn't you, Topper?"
"Get off!" Tapert wailed.
"I'm trying!" Greg replied, half-joking.
"You're working for Renee, aren't you?!" accused the harried executive.
"Renee? Who's Renee?"
"You know damn well!"
"Refresh my memory, Topo Giggio." Greg dug his knees into Tapert's sides.
"Ack!" the redhead's ribs ached. "O'Connor! Renee O'Connor!"
Greg released his grip on Tapert's sides. "The guy who played Archie Bunker?"
"What?"
"I thought he was dead," the blonde scrunched his face in confusion.
"Not Carroll O'Connor, you stooge!" Tapert huffed. "Renee O'Connor! Small, compact, blonde, vengeful actress..."
"Renee O'Connor... Renee O'Connor..." Greg repeated to himself, trying to jog his own memory. As his mind wandered, he loosened his grip on Tapert's wrists. "Oh! I know! She's the really hot chick on Xena: Lesbian Princess!"
The anger that had been broiling inside of Tapert for the past 48 hours finally congealed. His freckled fist met the bottom of Greg's chin before either of them knew what was happening. The blonde fell backward and landed with a resounding thud.
Rob Tapert froze in fear and amazement. Had he really just knocked a guy out? One that was 20 years his junior? "Apparently so," he thought proudly as he sat up to take stock of the situation.
The now confident redhead stood and brushed the dirt off of his hands and clothes. "Where was I?" he asked himself. "Oh yes, going to find Lucy."
With that, Tapert headed
off into the brush.
