Unless it's some sort of trick, he thought furtively. Maybe they're just giving me one nice thing to get me to feel comfortable and then they'll snap me like a twig!
Tapert turned to run back to the safety of the set when Lucy Lawless walked up to him, a plush bath robe thrown over her leather costume and dark glasses on her face. She pulled them off, exposing her baby blues.
"Hey, sweetie," she cooed to the executive, wrapping her arms around him and placing a seductive kiss on his lips.
Tapert stood very still, waiting for the neck pinch to cut the flow of blood off to his brain, killing him and putting him out of his fan fiction misery once and for all.
But Lucy simply hugged him tighter, nibbling on his ear.
"Yee-yee-yeee-yooowww!" exclaimed Tapert and other parts of his anatomy. "I really am home!"
Lawless pulled away, looking at him questioningly, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
"Honey, you are not going to believe what happened to me" said the executive excitedly. And then he stopped.
She really won't believe me. No one would, he thought. Tapert noticed his gorgeous wife looking at him expectantly. He laughed.
"Oh! It's just...I was going over some dialogue I'm writing for an upcoming episode," he said to cover his outburst.
"You know I don't want to hear about that stuff ahead of time," she smiled absently, rubbing his tummy.
Just then, Renee O'Connor walked up. She was clothed in a blue robe that was open and exposing her gorgeous abs. Tapert flashed back to the island. He stepped away from Lawless abruptly.
"We weren't doing nothin'. Honest!" he cried, turning to run for his life.
Renee laughed and scrunched up her nose.
"Have you been eating mushrooms again?" she asked Tapert mischievously.
Tapert stopped mid-flee, looking back at Renee and Lucy.
Renee turned her attention to Lawless. "Ready for some action?"
"Hey!" yelled an indignant Tapert, thinking he was most definitely back on the island after all.
Renee looked at Tapert strangely. "Fight scene, Rob." she smiled.
"Oh. Ohhhhh. A fight scene," said Tapert as another huge grin made its way across his face.
Lawless chuckled, reaching over and patting the executive on his butt.
Tapert felt all toasty and warm, especially his butt. His wife wasn't acting like a crabby warrior and she wasn't flirting with Gabrielle...er...Renee. People were paying attention to him and treating him as if he had power. Everything seemed normal. The executive producer of Xena: Warrior Princess was incredibly, unbelievably relieved.
It was really just a giant, awful dream after all, he thought. The dream must have been the result of a momentary lapse in self-confidence combined with some bad mushrooms. And I didn't fall from the sky. I just fell asleep and woke up all disoriented.
"To hell with that damn island," he growled out loud. "It's back to business as usual."
"Sweetie, are you sure you're OK?" asked a concerned Lawless at her husband's sudden change in demeanor. "Maybe you've been working too hard."
He smiled. "I am right as rain. Just, you know, working on script lines again."
"Places!" yelled the director.
Renee smiled. "Catch you in a minute," she said to her co-star and headed toward the director.
Lucy gave Tapert a warm hug good-bye.
"That's my cue, baby. See you after work and, um, I like that t-shirt. We should see what we can do about that tonight," she gave him a lewdly flirtatious wink and headed off to do her scene.
Tapert cocked his head. He couldn't imagine what Lucy was talking about. "T-shirt?" He looked down to see that his shirt still read Xena's Love Child on Board.
"No, oh...no," he whispered, horrified.
And then Tapert felt a hot white pain in his back. He spun around. No one was there. His forehead broke out in a sweat as he looked down to see the DemonRichSpawn stabbing his leg with a pitchfork.
"Aaaaiiiieeeee!" screamed Tapert, turning around and running toward the set crew and away from his demon offspring.
The crazed executive producer crashed into the center of the crew at full tilt, falling to the ground and then scrambling back up. Everyone stopped their activity, surprised by their normally quiet boss' sudden and strange behavior.
Tapert spun around. Everyone was staring at him.
God, I must look like a crazy man, he thought. The executive was frantically trying to come up with an excuse for his odd behavior when, to the back of the gathered crowd, Tapert spied the DemonRichSpawn. The creature was jumping up and down, brandishing its pitchfork and cackling.
"There!" he screamed, pointing. "Don't you see it? It's some sort of awful, horrible creation of the fans come to life!"
The crewmembers looked around, trying to find what Tapert was motioning toward. But they saw nothing.
"They want to destroy me...or take over the world...well, same thing," cried the executive. He was met with wary and worried glances from the crew. "No. See, you gotta understand. I was trapped on Survivor Island with Xena and Gabrielle. And there were these fans calling themselves 'Island Goddesses' and they were all torturing me and I had sex with Xenaonly it turned out to be Richand I got pregnant...and then I had a demon for a baby and, and then I thought I had escaped but now it's followed me here," the executive blubbered.
Head writer, R.J. Stewart observed Tapert's apparent breakdown with glee. Exxxccellent. Now I can rule the entire show. Me, me, me! he thought.
"Wow, he did get into some bad mushrooms," whispered O'Connor.
"It's the relationship, stupid," cackled the demon.
"The relationship?" sobbed Tapert.
"Sweetheart," said a concerned Lawless. "There's nothing there. It's just us."
"But...but" cried the executive as the demon offspring laughed maniacally.
"The relationship," the creature jumped up and down, punching its pitchfork into the ground, red sparks and fire flying from his tiny, baby demon hooves.
And Tapert, despite an ego the size of Montana, finally cracked like the Sahara Desert.
Tapert nodded his head, shifting from foot to foot like he was channeling Dustin Hoffman's Rain Man performance. He ran his hands through his wild, red hair, smoothing it down and taking some time to gather his thoughts.
How can I get out of this? he thought desperately. He had to please the goddesses and keep the crew from thinking he was completely insane. Am I insane? Tapert thought. Yes, you are quite insane, he answered himself. And, besides, R.J.'s just looking for a reason to take over.
Tapert hit upon an idea. It was a long shot, but
"Got ya!" Tapert laughed raggedly, pointing at Lawless. He then tugged on his own T-shirt. "Just having a little fun with y'all."
And, luckily for the executive, his wife's odd-duck sense of humor kicked in and she began to laugh uproariously. After a moment of bewilderment, the rest of the crew joined in.
"Yeah, that was sooo funny, wasn't it?" said Tapert who had pulled himself back from the brink of insanity, but could see that the yawning abyss was still only a few feet away.
"But, seriously, I have something to tell you all about the show"
The crowd quieted down, waiting expectantly. And Tapert decided it was time to take control.
"Season Six will be the return of the Xena and Gabrielle we all know and love!"
"What the fuh?" said a startled R.J. Stewart.
"R.J.!" ordered Tapert, pointing to the head writer. "We're going to have Xena save Gabrielle and Gabrielle save Xena. They're gonna bond, reaffirm their soulmate status. We're gonna find the love. Got it?"
"Oooooohkay," said Stewart. "But don't you think we should..."
"Now!" roared the executive producer of Xena: Warrior Princess.
Stewart's eyes widened in surprise. "Right, boss. I'll get right on it."
"No executive coup d'etat today, I guess," muttered Stewart as he headed off to find his lap-top.
"And Lucy!" Tapert turned to Lawless. "No more bad boys for Xena. Just one good girl: Gabrielle. And that 'no touching' gag rule I put into effect last year? It's lifted as of this moment!"
Lawless put her hands on her hips and smiled proudly at her husband. "It's about time, honey."
"Renee!" said an authoritative Tapert. O'Connor stepped forward from the crowd. "We're going to explore what Gabrielle's been going through. She's much more than a sidekick and we're going to start treating her with respect. She's Xena's soulmate. I mean, really, Xena: Warrior Princess is all about the rere.." The executive stopped and then tried again. "It's all about the rerrreee" Tapert just couldn't quite spit it out. "I don't know if I can do it," he whispered.
"C'mon Rob, I know you can," urged O'Connor from the sidelines.
"Let's go home to the island! Daddy Rich is waiting!" cried the demon offspring gleefully.
"The Relationship! The Relationship! The Relationship!" screamed Tapert. "It's all about the relationship from now on!"
The cast and crew of Xena: Warrior Princess broke into wild applause and began to surge forward to congratulate the executive. Tapert found his hand grabbed and shaken and his back...and even his butt...patted by ecstatic and happy crew members.
Wow, thought Tapert. Who knew? Even the crew loves the relationship.
Tapert looked to the back of the crowd, searching for his demon offspring. He felt a tugging on his t-shirt and looked down. It was there. Grinning up at him, eyes blue as the sky.
The creature winked at him.
"Remember. It's the Relationship...or I'll be baaaaack. Bye, bye...Daddy!" and poof, the creature disappeared.
Tapert was so relieved that he promptly fainted.
Back in the Fan Fic Cave, as Gabrielle and Xena saw Tapert disappear, they felt the world shift under their feet. Once again, they were plummeting from the sky, yelling at the top of their lungs. But this time as the ground rushed to meet them, their speed slowed until they were floating gently down. Xena chuckled, reaching for Gabrielle's hand. The bard gave a sweet, husky coo of approval. The two soulmates landed softly in a large pile of furs beside a crackling fire on a cool, spring evening as the stars shown brightly above them. Argo II looked over and snorted.
"We're home," whispered Gabrielle.
"Home," replied Xena, looking to Gabrielle.
"Gabrielle," said a worried warrior. "Did you feel anything when you kissed Mezzo and godconnie?"
"I felt...something," Gabrielle said hesitantly.
"Something?!" yelped Xena. "Something?!"
Gabrielle laughed, enjoying Xena's discomfort. "Baby, nothing like I feel for you," relented the mischievous bard.
"That has to be one of our stranger adventures, but I think there was a lot to be learned," said Gabrielle, turning serious.
"Like?" said the warrior whose mind was nowhere near the island but all over Gabrielle.
Gabrielle knew where Xena's mind was and smiled. She cupped Xena's face in her large hands to get the warrior's full attention.
"Xena, I love you more than anything. I can't imagine my life without you. Promise me we'll be true to ourselves and stick together no matter what. Promise me, Xena," the bard said with an intensity and passion that rocked the warrior's world.
"I promise with everything I am," replied the warrior with a sincerity that made the bard feel safe, loved and home.
They looked into each other's eyes for a moment longer until Xena began to smile, giving the bard "that look."
"Ummm, Gabrielle," said Xena. "Are you sure Mezzo and godconnie aren't still writing our story because I feel the sudden urge to...."
"Hush yo mouf and kiss me, Warrior" interrupted Gabrielle.
And so they did...and puhhhhhhh-lenty more.
Back on Survivor Island, all returned to normal. Burnett was happy because Tapert, Xena, Gabrielle and the Island Goddesses finally disappeared, leaving him as the ultimate ruler of the island.
Colleen was able to refocus her attention on the competition. But she hoped everyone was safe, even Tapert. She also hoped the Island Goddesses weren't upset with her for helping Xena and Gabrielle find them.
The morning after her friends disappeared from the island, the co-ed was off by herself picking up some firewood when the first snowflake fell. She smiled, looking up to see the snow floating gently down on her face.
"Thank you," came a whisper from all around the Survivor, followed by beautiful, gorgeous, goddess laughter as the snow continued to fall. Colleen broke into a gigantic grin and headed back toward camp.
The End.
