Two miles south of Burnett's compound, Rob Tapert sat in quiet contemplation as his newfound companion related his tale of woe.
"Man, I didn't even say those chicks were like cows! It was Gervase! And he's probably still swinging his lazy ass in some comfortable hammock while I sit here... naked... in a cold, dark cave!"
"I'm still not clear on how you got here, Joel," said a sympathetic Tapert. "Then again, I'm not clear on how I got here..."
"I heard heavy breathing and something being dragged in here earlier. I assumed an animal had brought in its kill. That's why I hid." Joel explained. "Obviously, what I heard was someone bringing you here."
"But you don't know who?"
"No. It was too dark and I was...scared," he said, embarrassed.
"Maybe it was the same person that brought you," offered Tapert.
"You've been to the resort?" Fear began to creep into Joel's voice.
"Resort?" asked Tapert.
"That's where they attacked me," Joel said hesitantly.
"Who?"
"The... women..." whispered Joel. "The ones who thought I called them cows," he took a deep breath. "They waited until nightfall. We were at the resort bar. Each one of them, Sonja, Ramona, Stacey..." The hair on the back of his neck stood on end as he said the next name. "Gretchen..." He gulped down his terror. "They kept buying me drinks. They acted as if nothing had ever happened on the beach. I thought they were being really good sports. But then..." He paused for what seemed like an eternity to the action-packed mentality of Tapert. "Someone must have drugged me. Knocked me out. Next thing I know, I wake up here, without clothes, without anything..." Tears rolled down his cheeks.
"How long ago was this?"
"A week, at least..."
"And you've stayed here the entire time?" Tapert couldn't comprehend such inaction.
"No..." Joel admitted. "A few days ago, I found my way back to the camp where my former castmates were still competing... I was going to ask them for a pair of shorts and then head back to the resort, but..." he drifted off into his thoughts.
"But?" Tapert prodded.
"I ran into Soozin and Kelly first. They chased after me with rope and a fillet knife..." He paused. "They threatened to decapitate Little Joel." He took a deep breath and began to cry again.
The castaways remaining at the camp had taken refuge from the storm under their makeshift hut. Being products of pampered 20th Century American society, none of them had the ability to build a decent dwelling, hence, they were as soaked as they would have been had they faced the elements unsheltered. Soozin, ever alert, spied two forms emerging from the tumultuous sea; one dragging the other.
"Well, I'll be!" Soozin said to Colleen. "Looks like the Warrior Princess is dead. Again."
"No!" Colleen yelped and headed toward her newfound friends.
Tears mixed with raindrops and streamed down Jenna's face. "You're such a... a... a... b-word, Soozin!" And with that, she ran to accompany Colleen.
"Ouch," Kelly said sarcastically as she sidled up to Soo. "I guess she told you."
"Yah, sure, you betcha." Soo said flatly.
The storm receded as Colleen and Jenna reached the determined bard and the unconscious warrior.
"Can we help?" asked Colleen.
"I have to get some air into her lungs," stated the calm Amazon Queen. Gabrielle began performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on her partner as the young beach bums watched in amazement. 200 yards away, just as it had done to hundreds of thousands of subtexters around the world, the red-hot chemistry between Gabrielle and Xena began to work its magic on Kelly and Soo.
"Good Lord," gulped Soozin as the bard's lips met those of the warrior. "How hot would that be if they were both awake?"
No such question crossed Kelly's mind, but only because her libido had blocked the passage of thoughts to her brain a hormonal version of Xena's pinch, if you will. Her body temperature shot up five degrees and her heart began to race. In the distance, Xena sputtered back to life as Gabrielle gently cradled her in her arms. Kelly and Soo's attention turned slowly toward each other. Their eyes met in that dreamy place between arousal and release. Kelly's mouth opened slightly in sweet anticipation. The newly returned sun reflected off her tongue stud and pierced the tiny un-Grinch-like part of Soozin's heart. Soo began to melt.
"Damn disgusting dykes!" Rudy growled in the direction of the gorgeous Greeks. "Get a room!" he yelled even louder.
Not surprisingly, Rudy's rough comments had the same effect on Kelly and Soo as the rain had on their campfire. The flame was quickly extinguished. Both women began to boil inwardly; equally horrified by their attraction to each other and pissed at the old man for ruining the moment. Kelly realized she had to save face immediately. She glared at Soo.
"Bitch!"
"Rat!" retorted Soo. A small rodent peeked out between her dishwater blonde tresses.
"You called?"
Soozin grabbed the unlucky varmint and wailed it directly at Sean's crotch.
"Oof!" the doctor doubled over in pain; his face landing precariously close to the still sleeping Gervase's groin.
"What the fu...?!!!" Gervase exclaimed as he lit out of his soggy hammock, sending Sean to the ground. "How many times do I have to tell you and Rich that I don't swing that way?!!!" he trumpeted.
"Sorry," croaked Sean.
"Hey, who are the new babes?" Gervase asked as he noticed the two strangers returning to camp with Jenna and Colleen.
"Are there any dry blankets?" Jenna asked the uncaring onlookers. "We have to get Xena warm."
"I'll start a fire!" Colleen offered.
"That'll be the day!" Rudy scoffed as the co-ed set out to do something she'd not accomplished once while on the island despite numerous giggle- and groan-filled attempts.
Gabrielle settled her groggy love on a log facing the soon-to-be fire and began checking Xena's pulse and pupils for any irregularities. Jenna found a dry blanket in a crate and wrapped it around the shivering warrior.
"Thanks," smiled the appreciative bard. She noticed that Colleen was clumsily trying to ignite water-soaked wood. "Why don't you sit here with Xena while I start the fire?"
"Huh?" Colleen paused then caught on. "Okay." She plopped down happily beside the warrior who immediately took her aching head in her hands. "Oops! Sorry! No more bouncing. Promise."
Jenna positioned herself on the other side of Xena and gently massaged her back as Gabrielle set out to find some dry firewood.
"They're so pathetic," Kelly said disgustedly.
"They're in that 'I'll-do-anything-for-the-warrior-princess-haze." Soozin explained.
Kelly was impressed with Soo's command of the English language. "That's pretty funny."
"Yah, I just made it up."
"Liar!" said the recovered rat as he scurried out from under Sean.
"I'm just a little uncomfortable with this, Joel," Tapert confessed.
"I knew you'd be a boxers man! Briefs are too constricting."
"I agree," Rob said as he stepped out of his skivvies. "Although I always keep a pair of Speedos handy in case Lucy wants to re-enact her Muriel's Wedding fantasy." He tossed his boxers to Joel and quickly put his pants back on.
Muriel's Wedding? Joel asked as he caught Tapert's donated underwear.
"Yes," Tapert went into full film geek mode. "It's a quirky little Australian film about a young misfit girl who finds solace in Abba songs and marries a South African swimmer."
"I saw that." Joel slipped into the first piece of clothing he'd worn in a week. "Didn't Muriel leave her husband and run off with her girlfriend in the end?" Tapert grew very quiet.
"Sonofabitch," Rob finally spoke. "I have to get back to camp!"
Even though they would never admit it, the crackling fire that Gabrielle had built was a warm welcome to everyone at the camp. The bard was not very happy about being stuck with such the inhospitable people, but she knew it would be best for Xena to rest after suffering such a serious head injury. The castaways had been smart enough to give them their distance while she tried to comfort her companion and she was thankful for that. She felt an internal rumbling, but since she was holding Xena so close to her, she couldn't tell whose stomach was begging for food.
Who am I kidding? she thought. It's always my stomach.
"You should find something to eat," Xena said quietly. The bard smiled.
"How do you do that?"
"Do what?" asked Xena.
"Read my mind."
"It had nothing to do with your mind, Gabrielle. It was your gurgling gut." This caused the bard to chuckle quietly. "Go find some food."
"I don't want to leave you here alone," Gabrielle whispered.
"I'll be all right. Just tell those two cute girls to keep me company."
"Oh, that makes me feel even better!" Gabrielle joked. Xena managed an impish grin.
"Would you go if I told you that I was hungry too?"
"You know I would."
"Then go." Xena urged. "I expect you to return with a 10-course meal."
"I don't think you could keep that much food down," the bard said seriously.
"No, but wouldn't it be fun to see the reactions of these idiots if the great Warrior Princess were to hurl all over the place?"
"Xena..." Gabrielle shook her head. "Sometimes you can be so crude."
"But you love me anyway."
"That I do," she smiled.
Barely a word was spoken as Joel led Tapert back toward the Survivor camp. Joel's entire being was focused on his surroundings. He would not allow any of his female castmates to get near him again.
They're all crazy, he thought to himself. Maybe they suffer from Mad Cow Disease, he chuckled internally at his own wit.
Tapert's thoughts, on the other hand, were not amusing him in the least. He kept replaying a recent script read-through where both Lucy and Renee complained that a fifth season episode where Xena fell in love with yet another bad boy was in total contradiction to the relationship that had blossomed between their two characters over the years. At the time, he shrugged it off as just a couple actors grasping desperately for some silly character and plot consistency, but now he wasn't so sure.
Despite the fact that she was loathe to leave Xena in the company of the mostly unfriendly castaways, Gabrielle relished the idea of being alone with her thoughts. Walking endless miles had always afforded her the opportunity to meditate on whatever problem was at hand. She hoped that she would be able to make some sense of their present situation as she searched for food.
Could Ares have somehow regained his godhood? she mused to herself. Maybe he found some ambrosia and ate it. Maybe he didn't really lose his immortality when he saved Eve and me...
The thought of owing her life to the God of War made Gabrielle's stomach churn. After all he's put us through, to have to give thanks to him is just...ugh... She cringed and spoke out loud. "You can do it, Gabrielle. You are above hatred and jealousy. You can thank him. You can forgive him and thank him..." She sighed inwardly. ...and if he's really mortal, maybe you can kick his ass! She chuckled at her own silliness.
"If it isn't Ares, maybe it's the Furies. They could have sent us here in order to keep us out of their hair..." This made sense to her, but something didn't feel quite right. She began to rehash the day's events. She and Xena had been on their way to meet up again with Eve. It seemed like an average, quiet day when, suddenly, she found herself falling to this godsforsaken island.
It happened so quickly, she thought. And then... Something had stuck out. And then Colleen said something about a fan fiction... Gabrielle mulled this over.
Aphrodite! Yes, that might be it! Aphrodite had once put a spell on one of Gabrielle's scrolls; whatever was written on the scroll came true.
"Aphrodite!" she yelled. "Aphrodite! Is this your doing?" The bard waited for an answer. "Come on, Aphrodite. Show yourself."
At that, the divine deity came plunging from the heavens. Gabrielle winced as her friend from Olympus hit the ground with tremendous force.
"Aphrodite! Are you okay?" the concerned bard ran to help the Goddess of Love.
"Oof!" Aphrodite sputtered and struggled to her feet.
"Are you okay?" Gabrielle asked again.
"Arrrrrrrrgh!" Aphrodite yelled and pointed at the sky. "That is so not cool, you two!"
Gabrielle looked up and saw nothing but clouds. "Who are you talking to?"
"What?" the goddess asked, distracted by her own unkempt appearance. "Look at my robe!" she whined as she lifted the torn garment for the bard to see. Her gaze returned to the heavens. "You're lucky I can fix this!" She nodded her head and magically transformed her soiled apparel into a pristine new outfit. "Now that's more like it!"
"Who were you talking to, Aphrodite?"
"Pink really is my color, don't you think?" The self-absorbed goddess twirled in delight.
"Who sent you here?"
"Although..." Aphrodite stopped to consider, "I can pretty much make any color work. You, on the other hand, look so much better in this little red number." She pointed at the bard's ensemble. "That old bilious green sports bra was so 40 years ago."
"Aphrodite..."
"I mean, what were you thinking, anyway? A green top with a brown skirt? Come on!"
"Aphrodite..."
"And what's with the growing of the hair? You were such an adorable baby butch with the really short 'do."
"Aphrodite!" Gabrielle barked.
"Whoa there, Gabster! What is your damage?"
"My damage?" the bard repeated incredulously. "Let's see..." She began to tick off in quick succession. "Xena and I, not to mention you and a few others, were cast down from the heavens - and how we even got in the heavens is still up in the air - no pun intended - to this island that is populated with mostly nasty folk who claim they're playing some kind of survival game. There's a man who keeps calling Xena by a different name and making goo-goo eyes at her, but he was whisked away by the island goddesses whom only one person claims to have seen. There's another man who keeps calling me Gabe; Xena's already put the pinch on him once. And when she and I tried to leave here, we were stopped by a freak ocean storm that would have made Poseidon proud in it's timing and intensity. Xena was nearly killed and Joxer, or the ghost of Joxer, is roaming around here somewhere..." Gabrielle paused to take a breath. "Is that enough damage for you?"
Aphrodite's eyes moved slightly skyward. "You brought Joxer here?" she whispered, her perfect brow wrinkled in perfect confusion.
"Who are you talking to?!" Gabrielle insisted.
"Umm..." The goddess giggled. "I dunno! I'm a ditzy blonde, remember? It's what ditzy blondes do!"
"No, no, no..." Gabrielle grabbed the goddess by the elbow as she tried to turn away. "You're not playing that game with me. I know better. Now tell me what's going on."
Aphrodite sighed. "All I can tell you is that this was not my idea." She shook her head in exaggerated disgust. "I mean, Joxer? Hello? Dead man walking even when he was alive! Ick!"
"Forget Joxer."
"No problemo!" The goddess smiled; the buffoon already forgotten.
"Can you tell me who is behind all of this, Aphrodite?"
"I'm sorry. I promised..." The goddess stopped mid-sentence. "I mean, what makes you think there's someone behind this? Stranger things have happened to you and Xena."
"There are people following us around with black boxes on their shoulders and carrying sticks with phallic-type things attached," whispered the agitated bard.
Aphrodite snickered. "Oh, those are just cameras and microphones. Pay them no mind. They won't hurt you."
"Cameras and... What?" Gabrielle was getting more confused.
"They're devices used to collect images and sounds which will then be projected through the air to receptive boxes known as televisions. People will be able to watch the island's proceedings in the luxury of their own homes." Explained the goddess, matter-of-factly. "The concept has revolutionized human communication."
Gabrielle touched her friend's forehead with the back of her hand. "Are you feeling all right?"
"I'm fine, Cutie," she said, playfully swatting the bard's hand away. "You just need to concentrate on that which is most important to you."
"That which is most important to me?"
"Yeah. Ring any tall, dark, warrior bells?"
"Is something going to happen to Xena?" asked the concerned bard.
"That..." shrugged Aphrodite, "...is entirely up to you, Sweetcheeks." The goddess winked mischievously and disappeared in an explosion of pink and white hearts.
"But..."
Gabrielle turned in a circular motion, realizing she wasn't going
to get any more information from the devilishly cryptic Olympian.
She groaned loudly and set out to find a suitable meal for her
ailing companion.
