every now and then you get a real glimpse at someone else, and what's most amazing of all is that that someone might not even know that you've seen him or her at all. i'm not talking voyeurism - at least, not in the peeping tom sense of it - i mean an interaction with the person, or the chance to read his or her thoughts online, or hearing someone else describe something that the person has done...

and it's really cool, in many ways, and it's also sometimes achingly sad because you see that here's another person who has real thoughts and hopes and fears and dreams, another person who has felt more than i've ever felt and perhaps ever will feel, another person who has found an answer to one of the many questions i've been asking for ages.

people amaze me so often, and in so many ways. i am constantly amazed at what some people believe about the world, about themselves...and i wonder what i believe. i believe in G-d and i believe with perfect faith in the coming of Moshiach. i believe that there is more to life than what i have lived, seen, and done. i believe that other people have more answers than i do. i do not believe that love conquers all - or even anything, necessarily. i am not sure if i believe in love or not. i do not believe that pleasure is the only goal worth seeking. i believe that people can be entirely altruistic and can act without ulterior motives. i also believe that this is a very rare occurrence. i believe that someday i will be happier than i am now. and i believe that the best is yet to be.

why do i believe what i believe? "how can i hope to make you understand why i do what i do?" that's a cop-out...i believe because it makes sense to me. i don't believe because it doesn't make sense to me, or because i haven't seen proof. some days i think of myself as an artist...and artists are supposed to have such passion about everything. but there are many many times when i have no passion for anything. and artists are supposed to believe in beauty and love and the creative force. i believe in the creative force - well, i don't believe "in it," exactly, but i believe that it exists. but how can anyone believe in beauty? that's not meant to sound like, "ewww, how can you do that?" but rather, "how exactly does that work?"

i am too paranoid. i read where someone i know has written that people who write stuff on the web are generally incompetent as writers, publishing themselves online since nobody else would ever publish them...and i fear that person is talking about me. i see references to someone who has hurt people, and i assume that i am the hurter. i don't know why i think that way, but i am fairly sure i always have, and i wonder if i always will.

i don't really believe in myself, although i wish i did. i am still looking for that fine line between confidence and arrogance, and i have great fears of being arrogant so instead i settle for massive self-doubt. "i want to be someone who believes..."


december 1999