"DENIAL"

A Necessary Step to Walking the Path to Wholeness

by Cheri Bard-Henoch, M.A., M.F.T.

In dealing with a diagnosis of a chronic, debilitating disease, families often do not allow themselves to grieve the loss of health. If a family member dies, or there is a divorce, or almost any other type of loss, one generally accepts the thought that there will be a grieving process, with stages of grief that are necessary to go through in order to recover and heal from the loss. But often with chronic illness, a family does not deal with the loss, because there is so much to learn about how to deal with overcoming the loss, moving on, working through and getting over it. This simply can't be done without first grieving. So, often, families get past the first step of shock and numbness and then get stuck in the second stage-denial and withdrawal. Silent rules become don't talk about it, don't feel anything about it, just get on with living in pain. These rules are meant to protect us and our loved ones from having to deal with and discuss those awful, frightening, unanswered questions involving long-term care, sexuality, death, etc. Denial keeps us insulated from these questions, but it also keeps us from healing, adapting and renewal. Understanding the stages of grief in general, and denial in particular, will enable families to help each other to understand what is happening and how they can best support each other. After the shock of discovering that we or a loved one has a chronic, debilitating disease or handicapping condition, there is an incredible depth of loss and grief, that is often too painful to face. Denial is a withdrawal from the reality of the situation and the reality of the pain. There are so many practical considerations that have to be dealt with at the time, that the physical issues often overtake and supercede emotional concerns. Some signs of denial and withdrawal often include drained energy, feeling weak, appetite loss, sleep difficulties, pains and aches, inability to carry out routine tasks, anger, lack of care for personal grooming, fantasies of life without the disability, disillusionment with life and an expectation that the disability or loss will be cured. What's important to understand is that denial is a normal and natural reaction, and it is another step on the way through grief. Denial is the mind's effort to withdraw from pain. It isn't wrong to withdraw and may be necessary for survival in the early stages. It's important to understand the signs of denial and accept them as a part of the grief process. The more you know that attempting to shield yourself from the truth about the diagnosis is natural and normal, the less apt you will be to get stuck in that stage. Wholeness can be reached once all the stages of grief are experienced and denial is often the stage not acknowledged. Without acknowledgment that we are in denial and that there is a purpose to being in denial, we can never proceed to adapting to our situation. Working through denial will result in acknowledgment of the pain and loss.