Strength

A Rurounin Kenshin Fanfiction

********** Strength *********

*****************************************************************************

Shinamori Aoshi looked with calm, steady eyes at his longtime friend and advisor, Okina.

"Have you told Misao?" Okina asked, kneeling in a seiza position.

Aoshi's stoic mien faltered a bit. "No. She need not know."
Okina shook his head in disagreement. "The girl has strong feelings for you, Aoshi. You cannot leave her now as you did before. She has a right to know this time."

"It is better this way. I need to reconcile with myself and try to find forgiveness from my friends."

"They are dead, you cannot change that."
Aoshi closed his eyes shut against the knowledge. He opened them again to reveal his anguish. "I know! And it was all my fault!"

"No."

Okina and Aoshi froze. The small whisper cut through the tense air. Aoshi turned away from the source of the voice.

"It was not your fault, Aoshi-sama," Misao said, taking a step into the room. "And you will not leave."
Aoshi balked at the quiet command in her voice. "I will. I must."

Okina watched the two people that he cared about most in the world and felt his heart cracking at their obvious pain. Knowing that it was their battle, he got up and left the room, closing the door after him.

Inside the room, it was dark. It must've been close to midnight, and the only light in the room was one tallow candle, quickly burning down to a stump.

There were no words spoken, only their harsh breathes trying to regain composure.

Then she spoke. "You were going to leave me without saying good bye again, weren't you?"

"You don't understand," he said in a tortured whisper. He felt rather than heard the anguish and pain that she was feeling.

"I think I do," she said in a rasping voice. "I was to wait here again while you go 'find' yourself."

"My journeys are not easy. There's always danger. You will be safer here."

"While you risk your life in your quest for absolution?"

"If you came with me, I would not be able to live with myself knowing that you would be in danger."

"So you leave me here, safe and --"

"Alive and living."

"Living for what?!" she screamed. "Living without knowing whether or not you're lying dead somewhere?!"

Aoshi became quiet. How can he make her understand?

"Misao, you are still young with so much going for you. Please-- promise me that you live your life. Don't make me into something more than a broken man."

Misao heard the plea in his voice. She knelt down behind him and put one small palm on the middle of his back. "You are not a broken man. You never were. You had always put others' needs in front of your own. Even now, you don't really look for forgiveness for yourself. You want to find redemption for those friends of ours that have died without people knowing of the merit they have gained in their lives. Shikijou, Beshimi, Hyotoko, Hannya. You have already given your life to them and theirs to you. Why don’t you let them go?"

"If I let them go, then I am not the man that you expect me to be," he whispered.

"The man you were and the man you are-- they're the same. Haven't you been listening to me?" Misao paused, trying to find the words that will make him understand how she felt. "If you go…and fight in their name… you would have only dishonored them with the blood that you will shed. They did not spend their lives searching for honor and glory, their purpose was in you. You were what brought and kept them together, Aoshi-sama. Please…understand that you are the only one now who can keep them together forever. Their memories, lives, and future rests in you. Don't you want to live and continue…"

"I am not the leader of the Oniwabanshuu anymore! They cannot look to me to lead them, in life or otherwise!" Aoshi whispered harshly, nearly losing his legendary control. "You say that I cannot throw away my life for them, but neither could I continue living it the way you want. That would take more than what I am right now."

"I never asked you to be anymore than you are. I just want…"

Aoshi held his breath in. "What do you want?"

He didn't hear her answer. If it weren't for the gentle pressure on his back, he would've thought that she was not there. Finally, finally she spoke.

"I want you and me to live…"

He sighed in relief. He got up, gathered his katana and rose to leave, allowing her hand to slide down to the floor. "Then you will stay here while…"

He never saw the tear that slid down her smooth cheek as he slid open the door, stepped out, and slid it back shut. He stood there in the darkness, allowing his tears to slide unnoticed down his own face.

Misao gazed unseeingly at the wall. She finished her words to him. "And live without you."

The significance of the moment finally seeped into her dazed mind. She realized the emptiness that suddenly surrounded her, and she knew that if she didn't do anything about it at that moment, she would lose what she had fought for for so long. If she let him go now, without letting him know her feelings, she would regret it the rest of her life. She jumped up, rushed to the door and slammed it open.

She saw the figure that stood there, still and silent, his back turned to her. With a cry, she brought her arms around his middle and buried her face into the soft leather of his long jacket.

"If you want to prove how strong you are by going out there again, I won't stop you. But, please remember, it is so much easier to die for someone you love, than to continue living without them," she whispered. "I will be here for you if you return."

Aoshi was nearly overcome with his own emotion as he felt the warmth radiating from the small figure behind him. She did not cry or cling to him. She did not beg or threaten to do something drastic. She did not even promise to follow him. All she did was hold him tightly, as though making sure that she will remember forever this moment. His strong Misao. I love you.

Slowly, he turned around and wrapped her in his own arms, releasing the overwhelming feelings that he had denied himself for so long. Always, always, he has cherished each moment he had ever spent with her. He saw with clarity how he had broken his own heart when he left her that first time, and it has remained broken until that moment when she had leapt into his embrace with the love that he knew had grown over the long years.

With her words, Aoshi felt a tension within him break and a flood of new stronger emotions sweep into his body. With a renewed awareness, he found the one thing that he had been looking for. Living these months with the one thought that he had to prove the strength of the Oniwa-banshu was a mere mask to hide the true reason. He had been living to prove to her that he was worthy of her love forever.

He buried his head into her sweet-smelling hair and felt the easing of his heart.

Misao felt the change in him and smiled with tears in her eyes. She knew in her heart that he was going to recover, healing and forgiveness will come and soon they can live their lives for each other.

*********************************** The end ****************************************

Author's note: I really do not know what was going through my head when I wrote this.

By Mia

Email: kenshin_oro@hotmail.com