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SYNOPSIS
Act I: Heaven
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Eleanor, a lovesick American poetess, sits in the Tube, an otherwise empty and rundown underground pub used as a tax write-off by the successful Swiss restaurant owner, Klaus. She pines for her Italian lover, Garibaldi, who has promised to meet her hours ago and take her to Rome. Garibaldi is in fact out setting fire to pubs all over London as part of a massive insurance scam. In each establishment he visits awaits a "lass looking forlorn". Hired by Klaus to torch the Tube, Garibaldi's on his way there now to do just that.
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As Garibaldi's explosions get closer and closer to the Tube, Eleanor's heart beats faster and faster. Henri, the French chef who refuses to cook English food, states: "As he lights fire to every pub in town, her love flame burns ever brighter." The Frenchman and Rodney, the underground Scotland Yard investigator searching for Garibaldi, and Gunther, the German mechanic who wants to be paid for the incendiary devices he's built for the Italian, all fall in love with the broken-hearted American. But their posturing over who makes the best food or cars or who invents the most ridiculous games fails to win her heart.
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When Rodney shows off his physical prowess and throws the musical Irishman, Liam (whom the Brit suspects is a terrorist in disguise) out into the street, the Irishman's parting curse upon them -- "May you all get exactly what you wish for!" --only makes her yearn for a better future: "In a few short minutes the New Millennium will be upon us and the world will shift on its axis. What was up will be down, what was bad will be good, what was wrong will be right. It will be like heaven. We will all be as one happy people unified under a single government. It will be like the United States of the World. And everyone will get exactly what he wishes for."
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Determined to wait for Garibaldi, Eleanor refuses to move, even when the cold-hearted Klaus exhorts the group to "celebrate the New Year above ground like everyone else" (so that Garibaldi can burn the pub down). But even Klaus' cold heart melts around the edges at the sight of Eleanor.
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Moments after the pub next door blows up, Garibaldi enters, hiding the incendiary devices he carries. He has forgotten Eleanor's name and the promised trip to Rome. When she throws his wilted daisies back at him, he stuffs them in his coat pocket, ready for the next forlorn lass. Rodney shows his badge and ineffectually questions Garibaldi about the rash of arson attacks sweeping London. His bumbling proves too much for Gunther, who takes over the interrogation in a more Teutonic fashion.
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Midnight approaches. Klaus and Garibaldi, bent on dispersing this determined group, cut the power and open the water main, sending rats scurrying through the pub. In the dark, with water swirling and rodents swarming, the stubborn stragglers make their (presumed) New Millennium pledges. Henri will be a mechanic and fix only French cars. Rodney will be a chef and cook only English food. Gunther will be a policeman and put a halt to terrorism. Eleanor wants a man "who cares about my love more than anything else on Earth."
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Klaus and Garibaldi burst in wearing gas masks. When asked their pledges, Garibaldi states that he will rule the world, then tosses a tear gas canister over his shoulder. Klaus kneels, removes his gas mask, and shocks them all with: "I want love." They run out coughing from the tear gas just as the Tube explodes into flames.
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Act II: Hell
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Eleanor sits in the same spot, but now Rodney caters to her culinary desires. She hasn't touched a single thing he's brought her, so disgusting does she find English food. Nobody's car works, what with the Frenchman fixing them now. And Henri decries the state of the Italian-ruled world: "Only beasts with Sicilian accents survive. Nobody cares about mushroom sauces anymore." Gunther, bedecked in a Nazi-like uniform, reports that he has it from a "super-secret source" that the "President of the United States" will come to the Tube tonight. For this reason he is hunting down the Irish terrorist, whose aim he believes is to kill the world leader. When Liam shows up disguised as a photo-snapping American tourist, Rodney assures Gunther he really is an American. How can he be so sure? Because, Rodney says, "He's loud and he's lost". A changed Klaus enters with flowers for Eleanor, who accepts them disdainfully. Couldn't he find other interests in life? Klaus: "When I find you are not in the house I despair. I become like a child lost in a store who cannot find his mummy." Eleanor rids herself of the overly-attentive Swiss by negotiating a ten-minute respite. Klaus and Gunther synchronize their watches and Klaus exits.
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An Italian busker enters singing "La Donna é Mobile". He wins Eleanor's heart with talk of Roma. When the American tourist reenters and sees that the busker is Italian he places a briefcase on the table. "Prepare to meet your maker!", he exclaims in a perfect Irish brogue, and races out. Eleanor screams: "He threw the bomb on the bangers and mash!" "Thank God!" proclaims Henri. As the "engineer in the house", the Frenchman tries to escape, but the exits are blocked. He tries to call the police, but the phone lines are cut. The Italian offers to throw himself on the bomb in false bravura. The German mechanically inspects the contents of the briefcase, announcing: "The bad news is I know nothing about this sort of explosive device." And the good news? "It hasn't gone off yet." Then he deducts logically that the terrorist would only have thrown a bomb into the room if the President of the United States were present. Since he's not in the Tube this must only be a harmless trick. At which point the busker removes his disguise, revealing himself as Garibaldi, the President of the United States of the World.
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Rodney invents the perfectly silly game of Kippers to take their minds off their hopeless plight, which it does, until the briefcase clicks loudly and Gunther states: "Usually a click like that means we only have a few minutes to live." Eleanor remembers that Klaus promised to return in exactly ten minutes. Gunther counts down the seconds. At precisely the right moment, loud chopping, then the buzz of a power saw, come from the door. Klaus bursts in holding a massive Swiss army knife containing the axe and power saw blade. He grabs the bomb and exits just as it explodes.
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Garibaldi professes his love to Eleanor, but she refuses to listen unless he promises to take her to Rome, which he does. Klaus returns, blackened and in tatters, realizing the puppy-love fool he's made of himself. Garibaldi offers him the Presidency of the United States of the World. "Mustn't I be elected first?", he asks. "I fixed the system", Garibaldi responds. "Now I hold a gun to their heads and they accept my choice. You are my choice, and they must accept it." Free from the unwelcome burden of ruling the world, Garibaldi takes Eleanor into his arms and swirls her away to Rome. Klaus makes Gunther the Presidential mechanic, Henri offers to bring some French wine, and Rodney, realizing he is no longer the chef, decides to "write down the rules to my new game, Kippers. There's no telling what the Yanks won't buy at Harrods come Christmas time." As they raise their wine in a toast, the Frenchman concludes: "Somehow I don't have the heart to tell them that when the New Millennium really begins at the end of this year, we shall have to go through this all over again."
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