Santa Claus Addresses the Troops
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Boys! This is Santa Claus Speaking to you On the Eve of Christmas The year of our Lord 2002 Even though you no longer Believe in me Ho, ho, ho! |
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Not so long ago I used to bring you Gifts On Christmas Eve Until you stopped Believing |
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Now I speak to you On the eve Of a great battle Perhaps the spark That lights the Tinder box That ignites the Conflagration That incinerates the Whole wide world Ho, ho, ho! |
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And I speak to you On the eve Of the Commemorative birthday Of our Messiah |
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Those people Those "ragheads" Don't believe in Him They say He wasn't Christ And for that They must die! Ho, ho, ho! |
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Yes Holy War And you Are the Soldiers of Christ Ho, ho, ho! |
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But Captain America Did not send Santa Claus To speak to you About Holy War For that He should send The Pope Ho, ho, ho! |
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No Captain America Sent me to speak To you Because I am The symbol Of Christmas And that is what This war is about: The True Spirit of Christmas |
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Christmas today Is about Buying things And that's what made America great Buying things! Ho, ho, ho! |
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The American Dream: Buying things Depends on the Availability Of one thing In this world: Cheap oil |
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We don't have Enough Cheap oil In America But we do have Soldiers of Christ! Ho, ho, ho! |
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And while you are Over here Fighting for The American Dream Your loved ones At home Are buying things Many, many things I know Because I have to Deliver them! Ho, ho, ho! |
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In fact The goods In my little sleigh Represent Half of the Retail profits For the entire year So I come to you As your prophet Your prophet Of retail profits! Ho, ho, ho! |
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Boys! You need not Believe In Santa Claus To be a good soldier Of Christ But you must Believe In Christmas That is The True Spirit of Christmas |
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As you know Jesus Christ Was not born Tomorrow In the dead of Winter Boys! You know Jesus Christ Was born At harvest time At the end of Summer |
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But The Romans used to Throw a festival Each year At about this time They called it: Saturnalia It began on The Winter Solstice The shortest day Of the year And ran several days |
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During Saturnalia A bunch of Pagans Did unspeakable things With other Pagans In the streets To welcome The rebirth Of the sun |
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We didn't like The sun Getting all that Attention So we Obliterated Their holiday Adopted their Rituals And called it Christmas Ho, ho, ho! |
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Rebirth Of the sun Became Birth of the Son Get it? |
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So in The True Spirit of Christmas Obliterate these Pagans Take their Cheap oil Go home And buy things! Live the American Dream! Ho, ho, ho! |
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On behalf of Captain America On behalf of The Pope On behalf of Our consumers And on behalf of Good little Christian Boys and girls All across America I thank you And wish you a Very Merry Christmas Now Go get those bastards! Ho, ho, ho! |
