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Tinker's List

When my friend Tinker read Skippy's List, he had a few things of his own to add...

• Tanks do not so much fly as plummet.
• If I am involved in a 'live fire incident' on the range, it is not acceptable to shoot back.
• If I disregard the point above, it is not acceptable when asked what you will do differently next time to reply, "I will remember that when firing the M16A1 rifle downhill, I will remember to aim low..."
• I will not use real explosives when setting up an ambush on a training exercise
• Detcord is too a real explosive- see above
• I will not scream, "Die you filthy Captalist Motherf***ers!" when executing an ambush on a training mission.
• Great Chthulu is not in my chain of command, and "IA! IA! Pftagen Chtulu!" is not a cadence.
• There are no invisible midgets harrassing me in formation
• "Aw Shiiiiit!" is not an acceptable replacement for "Airborne!" when jumping out of a perfectly good airplane.
• I am not allowed to wear T-shirts that say, "The Marines are looking for a few good men...The search continues..." near Marine installations.
• I am not allowed to bayonet other soldiers when acting as OPFOR on training missions- even if the bayonet is still in the scabbard
• I will not wear a broadsword on alert
• If I do, I will not justify it by drawing it with an evil grimace and saying, "Let the bastards bayonet charge, sir!"
• I am not allowed to shoot back if fired on while bowhunting
• There is no such thing as "Flight envelopes for Glide patterns" and I will not send newbies to get them
• Likewise, there is no such thing as a "Left-handed Knuter-valve Widget Adjuster" and I will not send newbies to get one of those either
• Similarly: diesel engines do not have spark plugs, there is no such thing as 'muffler bearings,' or cans of 'Track tension.' Nor does 'Prop wash' come in cans, and I will not send newbies after any of these items.
• I will not requisition armored vehicles or 'sanitised' weapons by slipping the paperwork in with other requisitions
• I will not order a guard detatchment to "FIX....BAYONETS" when confronting German anti-war protesters
• I will not strangle my room-mate no matter how bad a day I have had
• I will not utter cat-like Bruce Lee noises during bayonet drill
• I will not lock officers in my chain of command in an armored vehicle, throw in a CS (tear gas) grenade then sit on the commanders hatch. For five minutes. Then leave without checking on them.
• I will not refer to civilians or thier vehiles as 'crunchies' when driving an armored vehicle.
• I will not do donuts in the yard of the 3rdShop in a tank to prove the tracks won't come off- they will.
• I will not do a barrel roll in an attack helicopter to celebrate a good gunnery run.
• I will not give 'Heidelberg Scars' during bayonet drill to people who have annoyed me
• I will not try to drink sub-zero alchoholic beverages on winter training missions to 'warm up.'
• When asked by attractive officer if I speak Russian during training I will not use my limited command of Russian to suggest that we engage in... unauthorised acts...in Russian...

Like Skippy he didn't personally do these things...well, not all of them...but he saw them happen or heard about them first hand from people directly involved.

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