Chapter 6
Hugh Micó
1038 a.d. - 1097 a.d.
Generations passed and the descendants of Thor Micó enjoyed life in their castle. Life in Normandy was as mother nature had intended. The Norman Knights had all the security, all the fun, all the money, all the women, and all the foreign holidays. Whereas the serfs had all the fleas.
There was a price to pay for having the good life. When it came time to do battle, the Norman Knights had to sit on horses wearing all that heavy armour, while ordering the serfs into battle.
It could get quite warm and smelly inside a suite of armour on a sunny day, so on those days Hugh would avoid going into battle by sending a loyal servant in his place. After all no one knew who was inside the armour and Hugh would pay the servant a bonus for each kill. If the servant was killed Hugh would change places with him in the mortuary. When he returned from the dead the serfs thought a miracle had happened and worshipped him even more.
Of course if it was raining you risked being rusted into your underpants, so the servant would be sent into battle on rainy days as well. For Hugh this had the added bonus of the attention, ladies of the court would give to treating such wounds.
The servant was also sent into battle if the weather was stormy. I can tell you, 25,000 volts of lightning in a suite of armour is the worst, the very very worst. It brings tears to my eyes just writing about it. It happened to Sir Pierre Etincelle, a great Norman Knight but he died young. Just a flash in the pan and gone forever.
Cold days were also to be avoided. Falling off your horse onto hard ground in heavy armour would bruise every bone in your body. Fall onto snow and it would be spring before you stood up again.
No, the only day to go into battle was one that was slightly overcast with a light wind. Provided of course that the weather forecast said it would last all day. Oh, almost forgot, weekends were definitely out, as were religious holidays. Then of course he always allowed servants to wear his armour on their birthdays.
Sir Hugh was no fool.
On the three hundred and sixty four days of the year that he was not doing battle, Sir Hugh would work on his hobby, painting.
It all started one winters evening while he and his wife, Bridget, were sitting in front of the fire watching the servants perform an ancient play. It was coming up to the bit where the caveman hit the chicken with a club when Bridget interrupted.
"That's enough! We saw this one last month. Repeats, repeats, repeats, that's all we get these days!" She blurted "Stop the play."
Berger, the commercial actor, thought it was his queue and walked on to the stage.
He sang.
"Here's the thing, to give your castle zing,
make it look like what it aint,
with this new invention we call paint.
If your castle's looking grity,
here's the thing to make it pretty,
don't let the old man say he caint,
buy him a cart load of our paint."
"What?" barked Bridget.
"Er,,,paint."
"Well what are you supposed to do with it then?" Bridget was in an awkward mood.
"Well you, er, paint things with it."
"Why?"
"Well, er um, to make them pretty I guess. They do some lovely colours. Er, there's red, blue, yellow, green, black, white, and magnolia."
"What's magnolia?"
"Not sure, but I'm told it looks lovely on the walls of your living room."
"Does it cover up rust?" interrupted Hugh, "Only my shield is looking a bit messy."
"I expect so. Look, I've got some samples in the back of the cart, strictly for demo's you understand. Now for cash, I could, er, see my way to, er um, accidentally leaving a couple of gross. If you want different colours you can mix 'em together."
And so Hugh took one of his old shields and painted it blue.
"You know Hugh," said Bridget "if you painted something on top of the blue, I bet that would look smashing hung on the dinning room wall."
"Oh very well dear, what would you like me to paint on top of the blue?"
"Well, I don't know really. What about, er, er, that bowl of fruit?"
"H'm o.k., I'll do my best."
Bridget was right it looked smashing.
That weekend Hugh was entertaining some guests, including the Duke who was celebrating his birthday.
That was Hugh's other great passion, throwing parties. He was quite famous for his entertainment, in particular his aerial displays. Yes, aerial displays. No there were no aeroplanes and gunpowder hadn't been invented then, so no fireworks.
Hugh's aerial displays consisted of objects propelled through the air by catapult, or by giant crossbows.
For example he had a catapult capable of launching a hundred small round lumps of clay. To each lump of clay he would fix streamers of coloured silk. The catapult would be hidden behind a wall and fired over the heads of the guests who would gasp "Oooh, Ahhh." as the projectiles flew over.
William the Duke of Normandy arrived for the party and immediately noticed the painted shield on the wall.
"My word Hugh," remarked William, "that's a damned fine looking shield you have there. Where did you buy it, I must have one."
"Ah, well, actually Sire it's something I got you for your birthday."
"By Jove Hugh! You're a fine fellow. I like the bowl of oranges, my favourite fruit you know."
"Of course Sire, that's what I thought."
"It'll be marvellous in battle. Everyone will know who I am. There's that Duke William with the bowl of oranges they'll say. Scare the pant's off 'em if they know it's me coming. Well done Hugh! You must get one for yourself."
"Yes Sire I will, next week."
"Now then Hugh you old rascal. What have you got to entertain us tonight. Some of that marvellous aerial show you love? Anything new in it this time?"
"Well Sire, I've got a new catapult and…."
"Yes yes?"
"And, I've dressed one of the serfs as a pigeon. He will glide gracefully over the wall, across the courtyard, and land safely in that haystack by the stables."
"Wow, Hugh that's marvellous. I don't know how you think of all these wonderful things."
The guests sat down for dinner.
When they had eaten the entree, barbecued pigeon, an old family recipe, Hugh launched the first round of clay balls, followed by a round of lances, all trailing silk streamers.
"Oooohhhh."
"Ahhhhhh."
Next came the main course, Hugh's favourite, flattened chicken fried in olive oil. It went down well with the guests.
The servants started to bring out the dessert while the guests were still lickin' their fingers. The sweet was a lot of mixed fruits covered in a yellow milky substance.
"Before you continue my guests, the new highlight of my aerial display." Hugh announced with pride.
Instantly the serf, dressed in a pigeon suit, was launched from behind the wall. Unfortunately Hugh had miscalculated the weight of the serf who came crashing down in the middle of a huge bowl of dessert.
"Never mind Hugh!" said the Duke. "I expect he'll recover in a trifle."
The party continued and was a resounding success.
As the guests were leaving one of them approach Sir Hugh.
"Ah Sir Hugh, I am Sir Francis Flachew-Lance, here representing Harold the King of England, burp."
"Sir Francis, I do hope you enjoyed the party." responded Sir Hugh.
"Absolutely marvellous, Sir Hugh, one has never seen such burp, superb entertainment. Tremendously funny dumping that chap in the trifle, excellent shot, can't have been easy. One is arranging such an event for King Harold in August on the occasion of his royal burp, birthday."
"Er, which one is?"
"Now then, one knows it is not burp, easy to orchestrate proceedings of such splendour. If the price was right, do you think one might be tempted to travel to burp, England to stage a theatrical spectacular for Harold?"
“Errr, which one might what?"
"Come my dear fellow, don't play hard to get. The royal purse will pay you handsomely in gold to repeat this party for the King of England."
"Well why didn't you say so, I'd be delighted to show your King Harold my aerial displays. Would you like me to paint a shield for him as well?"
"Don't be ridiculous burp. Do bring William with his oranges though, we English like a good laugh."
And so Sir Hugh planned the most spectacular aerial show ever performed. As well as his usual repertoire he decided to use paint to make the performance more colourful.
William asked all the French Knights to wear their most splendid armour for the occasion. Hugh was ordered to provide each with a painted shield so that the English would be most impressed with French fashion.
Hugh asked Bridget to help design his shield.
"H'mm," she pondered. "Your ancestors roasted chicken on an open fire, so the background must be orange to represent the colour of the flames. The pictures on the front should represent your ancestors chievements."
"What about the stories great grandpa Thor used to tell of the Vikings. We'll have the six kings, represented by six flattened chickens, my favourite food."
"Good idea Hugh." said Bridget. “But?”
“But?”
“Well, maybe six won’t fit. Why don’t you just depict the three heads of your most famous ancestors.”
“Hmmm. Good idea. I’ll portray, Kharmoun, Zorba and Maximus. Oh, and to show the my most favourite food, I’ll show a barbeques pidgeon on a stick.”
“Food, food, that’s all you think about Hugh Micó!”
“No, not at all. Sometimes I think about chickens and paint.”
Editor’s note:
The first recorded Mico coat of arms is described as
BLAZON OF ARMS:
Or, three Moors' heads couped in profile sable wreathed around the temple argent.
CREST:
A hand issuing out of the clouds holding a sword erect proper hilt and pommel or, charged with the blade of a Moor's head.
The day came for the show and all of the English Knights were gathered to celebrate King Harold's official birthday.
The show was going well, Harold was half drunk and laughing at everything.
"And now my Kings, Dukes, Lords, Knights, Gentlemen and Serfs, the first highlight of the show." announced Hugh, "No fewer than seven brave serfs will be catapulted into bowls of trifle. Each bowl is placed ten yards further than the last. Then just as the last serf lands in the trifle, three salvos' of arrows will be fired. The first salvo of blue arrows with blue ribbons attached will land between the second and third bowls of trifle. The next salvo, coloured white, will land between the fourth and fifth bowls. The last salvo, coloured red, will land by the last bowl. They will be launched in quick succession so that they will look like the French flag flying through the air."
A buzz of excitement went around the audience.
King Harold was giggling his head off as the first serf was launched from behind a sand dune toward the first bowl.
Weeeee plop. Right in the middle of the bowl splashing trifle over Harold and much of the crowd.
The crowd erupted into laughter, Harold was in hysterics.
The second serf was fired.
Weeeeeee plop. Dead centre to more roars of delight.
Weeeeeeeee plop. Another hit, Harold was trying hard not to wet himself.
Weeeeeeeeeee plop. "Bravo", "Well done Sir Hugh." and so on.
Weeeeeeeeeeeee plop. Harold was beginning to think this was too easy.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee plop. Six out of six.
"H'm can't have this can we." Harold thought to himself. And he sneaked out to the final bowl. Just as the seventh serf was catapulted over the dune Harold push the bowl of trifle to one side.
Weeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah! splat.
The crowd gasped as Harold jumped out from behind the trifle.
"Watch out for the red arrows!" they all yelled.
"Marvellous," he shouted back "I've not seem them before."
Harold looked up to the sky and was instantly struck down by a red arrow.
The English, half drunk, decided that the Normans must have planned to assassinate Harold right from the start. Soon tempers were fraying and a fight started in the crowd. Before long a full scale battle had erupted.
The rest is history. William of Orange won the battle of Hastings and became King of
England.
Sir Hugh was rewarded in the traditional fashion by being given the estate of one of the defeated English Knights.
According to the Doomsday Book the first Mico's in England were Norman Nobles awarded lands in Somerset for assisting William at the Battle of Hastings. Among the early descendants of those Nobles was a Sir Hugh Micó and a Sir Vincenzo Micó.
