Chapter 4

 

Maximus Micó

 

83 b.c. to 34 b.c.

 

 

"Oh I'm bored!" gasped the all glorious Pertius Caesar.

 

"What are we going to do tonight. I'll tell you what we're doing, another flipping orgy that's what!"

 

"Why don't you give it a rest." Voluptua snapped back. "Moan, moan, flipping moan. Anyway I like a good orgy."

 

"Only hope you've got." Pertius muttered quietly.

 

Voluptua had married Pertius when he was a senator, she was really beautiful then.  But that was thirty years ago, now she looked more like a deflated camel.

 

"You'll be o.k. Pertius, I'll ask Marcus to bring along some of those vestal virgins for you."

 

"Oh I can't manage them any more.  Besides they're so difficult to replace these days."

 

"Well you should try some of Aphrodite’s viagra love potion, that'll get you going."

 

"Oh very well Voluptua, you win, I'll try it."

 

The following day Pertius summoned Nutexius, the chief eunuch.

 

"Ah Nutexius, a hum, we need, er, seven, er hum, replacement virgins."

 

"Seven?"

 

"Er yes. Seven"

 

"Oh, do pardon me your greatness, my ears are failing me. I thought you said..... ho ho ho, seven!"

 

"I understand lions are quite partial to deaf eunuchs, Nutexius."

 

"Ah, yes, seven, I see. Pertius, you want me to find seven virgins...... in Rome."

 

"Yes."

 

"I don't think your regalness appreciates how difficult it is to find a virgin these days.  What with all the orgies and so on."

 

"Then send someone outside of the city to find some!" Pertius was beginning to get impatient

 

"I think we may have to look outside the Empire this time." noted Nutexius.  "Why don't you send Maximus Micó on a voyage to find a new supply?"

 

Maximus Micó was an accomplished sailor and adventurer.  It was he that first discovered that the Earth was flat and that you could sail right off the edge of the world, but that's another story.

 

Well actually you might as well have that one as well.

 

The previous Caesar, Eronius, had been an astronomer.  He was convinced that the Earth was a globe, just like the moon.  He commanded Maximus to mount an exhibition to circle the globe.

 

Maximus under-estimated the time it would take to make the journey and only took enough sandwiches to last two weeks.  Soon the food ran out.

 

Maximus and his crew knew that if they failed in their mission Eronius would feed them to the lions.  So they made up a story about the earth being flat and told how they had narrowly escaped death.

 

They were welcomed home as heroes.

 

Eronius, seizing the opportunity, set off to sail to the edge to make an offering to the "Edge of the world god".  Being a practical man he made up his crew entirely of vestal virgins, twenty four of them, "so the god of the edge could choose his own new goddess".

 

Eronius and his crew were never seen again, apparently having dropped off the edge of the world.

 

The story put fear into the heart of every sailor.  For a thousand years sailors made sure that they kept in sight of land.

 

Back to the plot.

 

Pertius summoned Maximus Micó to the senate.

 

"Ah Maximus"

 

"At your service, your regal godliness." Maximus was also an expert at the art of patronising.

 

"We at the senate have a vital mission for you."

 

"Oh no!" Maximus thought aloud.

 

"What's that?" Pertius wasn't sure what he'd heard.

 

"Er um, er, I mean.  Oh! no mission for the senate could be as vital as the last one.  Could it?"

 

"Well no, that's true. What was the last one Maximus?"

 

Maximus was getting into deep lion droppings, (a common phrase used in Rome at that time).

 

"Er, er, enough of my past glories. What can Maximus do for his Emperor today?" Neat move Max.

 

"Well now Maximus.  It has come to the attention of the Senate that there is in Rome today a grave shortage of, ah hum, virgins.  Vestal......type......virgins."  Pertius was trying to act and sound as regal as possible, but was slightly embarrassed and managed to blush.

 

"It's not all my fault, honest!" snapped Maximus Micó defensively.

 

"No we know that, in fact one of the girls last night told me that you couldn't...Oh, ah, yes, er, we believe you Maximus. It's just that with so many orgies, we just don't seem able to keep many in mint condition."

 

"Oh I see. What? Which girl said what?"

 

"Never mind that," Pertius was anxious to get Maximus on his way.

 

"Maximus, we want you to take three of our best ships, enough slaves to row them, and five hand picked Centurions for each ship.  Sail to the west and seek out a new land, where there are lots of virgins.  Bring back as many as you can load onto the ships.  And no hanky panky on the way back, or you'll be paying a visit to the lions."

 

"It will be my honour to carry out your command oh great one."  Maximus was back to patronising.

 

"Then go Maximus, and the Gods be with you."

 

Maximus placed an add in the Daily Forum.

 

"Magical Mystery tour, Step right up----Slaves needed for vacational cruise to undisclosed resort."

 

Soon plenty of strong slaves were queuing at the harbour gate.  Each desperate to take part in the trip.  Maximus picked only the fittest, strongest, healthiest, and ugliest.  Well you never know, he might get lucky.  You don't need competition do you.

 

Eventually all the plans were in place and Maximus set sail.  The small fleet sailed west, past Malta, and Gibraltar.  Then north, along the coast of Portugal, and into the unknown seas.

 

Then, just after they lost sight of land, a great mist descended upon them and they were becalmed.

 

Maximus Micó lost sight of the other two ships in the fog.  He never saw them again.  In fact they had panicked, returned to Rome, and declared that Maximus had sailed off the edge of the world.

 

In the meantime the crew of Maximus's ship rowed and rowed for seven days before the fog cleared.

 

As the ship cleared the mist Maximus could see that they had sailed into some sort of natural harbour.  On three sides were steep sided snow capped mountains.  All was quiet.  It was an eerie scene.

 

The crew shipped oars and stared open mouthed, expecting something spectacular to happen at any moment.

 

Maximus stood at the very tip of the bow and called out.  "Hello."  It echoed back

 

"Hello, hello, hello, hello."  "Is there anybody there, there, there, there, there."

 

"NO, clear off...off...off."

 

"Hmm, completely deserted."  Maximus muttered to himself.

 

"It's no good men, we won't find any virgins here, we'll have to go further up the coast.  But first we must land to get more food and warmer clothing.  I'm freezing."

 

The ship was turned toward shore and soon the crew were dropping anchor next to a pretty stretch of land between the cliffs.  "H'm not as bad as it looked."  Maximus thought to himself.

 

"We'll camp here tonight lads."

 

The next morning the warm sun shone over the most beautiful landscape Maximus had ever seen.  He summoned the five centurions to discuss their situation.

 

"Now then lads."  Maximus decided to come straight to the point.  "This is the most beautiful place I've ever seen.  I have decided to build a permanent camp here, and then to explore this lovely land."

 

"Er, what about the Emperors virgins?" Centurion Causticus enquired.

 

The others nodded in approval of the question.

 

"How many virgins have you seen since we left Rome Causticus?"

 

"Do you think Pertius is going to come looking for you?"

 

"Here all six of us can be Kings!  Wait, that's it.  We'll call this place the Land of the Six Kings." enthused Maximus.

 

"No Maximus." interrupted Causticus.  "We are Romans, therefore you must call this place the Land of the VI Kings."

 

And so Maximus Micó became the founder of the Viking nation.  A nation which was to spread its influence across northern Europe long after the fall of the Roman Empire.