Chapter 8

 

Robin Micó

 

1191 a.d. to 1243 a.d.

 

 

The mist rolled back as the sun came up on Sherwood forest.  It was a chilly September morning, though not quite chilly enough for a frost.  The moist air had laid down a heavy dew.  As the mist continued to roll back slowly it revealed a man sleeping beneath a mighty oak tree. The sun shone upon the man highlighting his green clothing.  The green hat, the green jacket, the green shoes, and, yes, he was wearing green tights.  The man had slept under the mighty oak for many hours, for he was very tired following a long journey on foot from Somerset.  The sun crept up his face and, passing over his eyes, awoke him.

 

"Oh sod it, now I'm all soaking wet!" he said to himself aloud.  "I'll have to dry my clothes off before continuing my journey to Nottingham Castle."

 

"H'm, if I could hang my clothes up somewhere the sun would soon dry them.  I know, I'll hang the wet clothes on this small bush.  While they're drying I can go and have a bath in that river."

 

And so he undressed, hung his clothes on the bush, and went to take a bath in the river.

 

As he played around in the water he noticed a military man walking along the forest trail.  Being a shy person he swam downstream so as to remain out of sight.  Had he known that the soldier was in fact Captain Noballs, he wouldn't have bothered. The poor Captain had very poor eyesight, he had to walk everywhere because it wasn't safe for him to ride a horse.  However he did have two coconut shells which he would clap together as he walked. Clop, clop.  Clop,clop.

 

Noballs turned a bend in the trail and was confronted by the clothes hung on the bush.  He stopped dead in his tracks. Clop.

 

"God preserve me, it's a Leprecaun!" Noballs whispered to himself, "I hope he's a good Leprecaun, not another evil one."

 

"Er H'm. Er, Leprecaun. What are you doing in Sherwood Forest?" He waited for a reply.

 

"I say there Leprecaun. I am Captain Noballs of the Sheriffs' guard. What are you doing in the Forest?" He demanded.

 

No reply. Noballs tried to focus on the Leprecaun. A rabbit ran through the bush making it quiver.

 

The man in the river had got out and was watching from behind a tree. The bush was between him and the Captain. He was stark naked so he decided to stay hidden.

 

Noballs gave the bush a final warning. "Leprecaun you will answer my question, or face the consequences."

 

Still no answer, save a further quiver.

 

Noballs raised his crossbow and fired a bolt into the pile of clothes.

 

"Oy mate, those are my clothes your're making holes in!" the naked man yelled as he seemed to appear out of the bush.

 

Noballs dropped the crossbow and galloped for his life.  Clop, clop, clop.  Clop, clop, clop.

 

"Hey come back, I'm not a Leprecaun I'm Robin Micó, er, sir!"

 

Noballs kept on going.  Clop, clop, clop.  Clop, clop, clop.

 

"I'm not stopping for no evil Leprecaun, I'm not stupid." He gasped, as he ran as quickly as he could.  Clop, clop, clop.  Clop, clop, clop.

 

Noballs decided to report the incident to the Sheriff, he could then return with a troop of guards to arrest the Leprecaun.

 

Editor’s Note: Have you noticed that in all stories, movies, plays, books, and so on, you never learn the true identity of the Sheriff of Nottingham. He is always referred to as The Sheriff of Nottingham.

 

It's as if the literary world is ashamed of his name.

 

Would it lesson the fearsome impact of this blood thirsty character if we knew his name.

 

No of course not.

 

Would it lesson the impact of the story's heroes if his true identity were known.  No of course it wouldn't.

 

Would it make us, the readers, less respectful of this mans evil power.  No it wouldn't.

 

So I now reveal, for the first time, the real name of the Sheriff of Nottingham.  It was Sir Gaylord Cyril Fartingham.  Out of earshot, his loyal troops would often refer to him as the ‘Olde Fart’.

 

Oh well perhaps they were right, I'll just call him the Sheriff like everyone else.

 

Back to the plot.

 

Noballs paid the customary ten groats to see the Sheriff. Most people had to pay twelve groats to see him, but Noballs got a staff discount.

 

"O.k. Noballs, you pathetic moron, what's your problem this time." the Sheriff yelled at Noballs.

 

"We have another evil Leprecaun in the forrest, your Lordship."

 

"Well shoot it then Noballs."

 

"Um, that's what I did. I shot a bolt into its' evil heart. But it jumped right out of its' clothes and chased me. I think it said it was robbing bad debtors."

 

"Bad debtors!"  The Sheriff knew what he meant.  "He must mean me.  Curses, I knew I should have paid that pesky Friar Tuck for that last cask of Friars' Meade. Killing him may have been a mistake."

 

"You killed the Friar?"

 

"It was sort of an accident.  He slipped onto my sword while trying to avoid falling off the ramparts."

 

"You killed him with your sword?"

 

"No, he drowned in the moat.  It was an accident, I didn't know he couldn't swim.  Stabbing him and pushing him off the tower was just me being playful, I didn't mean for him to land in the moat."

 

"Oh, that's all right then."

 

"Now then Noballs, call out the guard and capture the evil Leprecaun."

 

"Yes sir, your Lordship."

 

"Or it'll be you that takes the next swimming lesson."

 

Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the forrest, Robin was trying to find an inn so that he could get some breakfast.

 

He came to a fork in the forrest trail.

 

"H'm, I'll take this with me, now all I need is a knife, a plate, and some food."  Robin said as he bent down to pick up the fork.

 

Slightly later he came to a cross-roads, there was a sign that pointed down each road.

 

"If only I could read." he thought. "Ah, now then, there are pictures as well as words. The one that points to the left has a picture of a castle so it must be the trail to Nottingham Castle. The one pointing back where I came from has a picture of a river, that makes sense. The one pointing to the right has a picture of a man dressed in green, just like me.  The last pointer, that points straight ahead has a silhouette of a man and a knife and fork.  Ah ha, breakfast!"

 

Robin set off along the trail that lay straight ahead. The sign obviously meant that he would find an Inn with food and a loo.

 

The trail was long and soon the forest started to look strange. He came upon a rope bridge that crossed a chasm with a river deep below it. Beside the bridge was another sign, a white face with large black eyes above two bones.

 

"M'mm, spare ribs. Can't be far now." he thought to himself as he crossed the bridge.

 

The forest was looking most unusual.

 

"I've never seen plants like this before. Hold on there's a clearing ahead. What's that in the middle, it looks a bit like granny Ethels' couldron. Soup would be o.k.."

 

He walked into the clearing and up to the large black cauldron. He peered over the rim and into the pot.

 

"Aarrrghhh! That's some ones leg, it has a foot at the end."

 

The hairs stood up on the back of Robins' neck as he saw movement in the trees around him.

 

Suddenly out of the forest charged fifteen very large dark skinned men wearing grass skirts and with small bones through their noses. Each carried four foot long knives and forks.

 

Robin turned and ran as fast as his legs could carry him, back to the cross-roads.

 

"Phew, that was a close one!" he gasped.

 

"Now then lets take another look at that sign post."

 

"H'm a man dressed in green, just like me. It must mean, um, er, h'mmm. Oh well only one way to find out."

 

Robin started along the trail marked by the sign of the man in green. It was a long trail leading deep into the forest. He was comforted to see that the path was well worn.

 

"Plenty of people must walk this path." he kept reminding himself.

 

Robin had walked for several hours and was getting very hungry, when, as he turned a bend in the trail, he saw his prize.

 

"Of course, it's a pub, 'The Green Oyster Bar', even I can read the names of pubs. It's been a long day, I hope I'm in time for supper."

 

By the Pub door was another sign that Robin couldn't read. "Tonight - Grand Robin Hood look-a-like contest."

 

Robin entered the Pub.

 

He stopped dead in his tracks, inside the Pub were twenty or more men all dressed exactly like him. One approached him.

 

"Ooh, hello sweetie. Love the tights. What's your name then?"

 

"Robin." Robin replied nervously.

 

"Oh you old sauce pot." giggle giggle "We do like a new boy with a sense of humour. Hey everybody, this is.........ROBIN."

 

The room erupted with an explosion of giggles.

 

"There you see, we all love you deary. Lets talk about our initiation ceremony."

 

Exit Robin very, very, quickly, pursued by twenty plus pairs of inhabited green tights.

 

At that very moment Captain Noballs and a squad of Nottingham guards entered the clearing opposite the Pub, which was slightly out of focus.  Clop, clop, clop, clop, whinny.  “What was that?”

 

“The men are nervous sir!”  Clop, clop, clop, clop.

 

"My god, hundreds of Leprecauns." Noballs yelled as they came charging out of the Pub. "Run for your lives men!" Clop, clop, clop, clop.

 

The guards were already one step ahead of Noballs and running into the thick forest to hide. Clop, clop, clop, clop.

 

The Captain galloped and galloped, back along the forest trail, as fast as he could, thinking he would soon catch up with the guards.  In the distance he could hear the army of Leprecauns screaming as they pursued him.

 

"I must keep going." he kept telling himself. "I must warn the Sheriff, the Leprecauns are coming!" Clop, clop, clop, clop.

 

As he entered the clearing at the cross-roads he could hear the Leprecauns some distance behind, but catching up.  He looked back to see if they were in sight.

 

"Not in sight." he gasped thankfully.

 

Then, as Noballs turned his face back to the front, he ran straight into the sign post, knocking it flat.

 

"Oh drat. I'd better put it back. Um, which bit points where?"

 

 He could hear the sound of feet, many small feet, coming up the trail.

 

"Oh that'll do." he said, pushing the sign back into a hole the ground. "Now, which way to the castle. Ah, that way."

 

Captain Noballs came to the rope bridge across the chasm.

 

"Ah, a rope bridge across the moat. The guards must have got back and warned the Sheriff. They've pulled up the drawbridge and left this rope bridge so that I can get in."

 

Captain Noballs crossed the bridge and was never seen again.

 

Meanwhile, back at the cross-roads.

 

Robin Micó entered the clearing, he was fifty metres ahead of the Robin Hood supporters club.

 

"Ah back to the river I think." he said as he raced past the signpost.

 

Robin was just thinking that he didn't recognise the trail when he rounded a bend and saw the castle in front of him.

 

"That'll have to do, they're beginning to catch up."

 

The Sheriff was called to the ramparts.

 

"Quick your Lordship, we're being attacked by an army of Leprecauns." the sergeant at arms reported.

 

"Curses, they've come for me." the Sheriff snarled. "Pack the cash, I'm leaving by the back door."

 

And so the evil Sheriff abandoned the castle, taking all the cash and all the guards.

 

As Robin entered the castle the whole place was filled with cheering people. Robin was welcomed as a hero.

 

The Robin Hood supporters club, explained that they were only having a bit of fun.

 

"And you've saved our leader, the real Robin Hood, who is imprisoned in the dungeons below us!" they told Robin.

 

"Then lets free him, for you will need a good man to rule Nottingham castle." Robin replied.

 

"Hurrahhh!" they all yelled.

 

Robin Hood was freed and introduced to Robin Micó.

 

"Robin, meet Robin."

 

"Robin."

 

"Robin."

 

"Robin, will you stay and help us fight the good fight? Will you join the Robin Hood supporters club and meet with the lads once a month at the Green Oyster Bar?  Will you baby sit for me and Marion when the little Robins start to hatch?  Will you Robin?  Will you?  Huh?   Huh?  Will you?  Will you?  Huh?"

 

"Sorry Robin, I have to find my lost brother Marvin.  He disappeared under strange circumstances.  I think he may be in Scotland."

 

"Then we wish you God speed and good luck Robin."

 

And so having rid Nottingham of it's evil Sheriff, freed Robin Hood, and restored peace to the region, Robin Micó bid them farewell, and left for Scotland.