Roger vs Red Beard

 

"Ah har Julian lad, we needs ta spring a trap for young red beard.  Any bright ideas?"  asked Sir Roger Micó as he started to draw a picture of The Wood Pigeon.

 

"Ooh Captain, I don't like the sound of that Red Beard.  We must get him into a cage or something, before he knows what's going on." replied Julian.

 

"We could build a trap door in the deck, an when the pirates steps on it, we pulls a leaver an' into the cage they drops.  Ah har ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho, they will get a surprise eh Julian."

 

"Yes, but where will we be when the pirates come aboard?  If we're on the ship they will surely slit our throats.  Makes me go all cold just thinking about it." added Julian.

 

"Aye." said Roger "We needs ta be somewhere that them there pirates don't know about."

 

"Captain, do you think we could do something with the sinking ship.  I mean make it sail underwater, with the crew inside."

 

"That be a novel idea Julian.  A submerged ship.  It would needs ta be watertight an' have an airbag that was partly inflated all the time so that the ship sails just below the surface."

 

"H'mm, why not put the crew inside the airbag. They'd be dry and have air to breathe.  But wait, how could we get fresh air into the bag and how could we see what was going on at the surface?"

 

"Ah hAh har, Julian lad, that be easy.  We uses a hollow mast with a hole at the top an' a bellows at the bottom ta lets in fresh air and ta pumps up the bag. Then we can fit mirrors inside another hollow mast, one at the top and one at the bottom, so's that we can see what's going on top side."

 

"Oooh, what a wonderful idea.  Lets draw up some plans."  “Where are the crayons?”

 

And so Roger and Julian drew up their plans for the world’s first submerged sailing ship.

 

"Julian lad, this 'ere aint gonna work."

 

"What's wrong captain, I think it looks lovely.  Ringo’s idea to paint the ship yellow makes it look so stunning."

 

"Aye lad, it do, it do. But ya see, we all be nice an' cosey inside, under fifteen feet of water, an' up above we 'as four masts and ten sails. We'll be seen for miles, an' who's gonna climb the masts ta lets out them sails.  No lad, we needs ta drive the ship from inside."

 

"How about putting oars through the side and rowing it?" Julian offered.

 

"Nay lad, that would be hard work for the crew.  But it do give me an idea.  Has ya ever seen a water mill?  They works by making water turn a big wheel what 'as paddles on it.  Now then if we 'as a paddle wheel an' puts a case around the top half so's only the bottom is in water we could turn it from inside the ship an' it would push us along."

 

"But won't that be just as hard work for the crew as rowing?"

 

"Nay Nay lad, inside the ship we 'as a donkey drive wheel.  As the donkey walks, the ship moves under water.  If we 'as two donkey paddles, one on each side, we can steer the ship by stopping one donkey. Ah har Julian lad this'll be fun, we can even sail backwards, ha ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho, he he he he!"

 

And so the crew got to work.  Before long The Wood Pigeon had been converted into a submerging ship.  After two weeks of trials the ship and crew were ready for action.

 

"Ah har Julian lad, now we needs a prison ship ta capture an' hold Red Beard an' 'is crew.  Take six of the crew down ta the ship shop an' buy a small ship, ah har.  Something not to big, I fancies one of them there sporty Ayetalian jobs.  See what 'e can find 'eh lad."

 

Later that day Julian sailed into the harbour in one of the most beautiful Italian ships of the day "The Micogondola". "Named after a nautical Italian family from Venice." Julian had been told by the second-hand ship salesman.

 

"Now then Julian, fetch Chippy, we needs to convert The Micogondola into a prison."

 

"Aye aye Captain."

 

"Cap'n." reported Chippy. "Ye 'as a job for me."

 

"Aye Chippy. I wants the deck of The Micogondola made into a trap door, so's that when them pirates stands on the deck it opens up an' they falls into a cage."

 

"Aye aye Cap'n. It'll be a pleasure ta trap that Red Beard.  I 'ave a gift for 'e Cap'n."

 

"For me?" Roger replied "But it 'aint my birthday for another month Chippy."

 

"Aye, that I know.  But me an' the crew want everyone ta recognise your ship when they see's it.  So's we made you a flag ta look like ol' Pink Beards bones on the raft."  Chippy held up a skull an' crossbones flag.  "We calls it Jolly Roger’s flag.  When them pirates see's it they'll know Cap'n Roger Micó is coming ta get 'em.  When good an' honest sailors see's it they'll know they's safe."

 

"Ah har har har, ho ho ho ho, he he he he.  Gives me thanks ta the men, they be the best crew in the world."

 

Chippy made the trap door and fitted a cage under the deck of The Micogondola.  The weight of six men was enough to spring open the door.  All was now ready to seek out Red Beard.

 

Roger summoned the crew to give them their instructions.

 

"All hands on deck!" he called out.  "Nay nay lads, I told 'e 'afore, stand up straight when I wants ta talk ta 'e."

 

The crew stood up.

 

"Now then me hearties.  We must set sail today ta seek out Red Beard.  'E be a mean an' blood thirsty cut throat pirate.  So's we all got ta do our jobs well.  The six seas is gonna be a safer place after we capture ol' RB, so sets the mainsail, up anchor an' on our way."

 

The Wood Pigeon sailed out of the harbour with The Micogondola on a tow rope some 30 metres behind.  For days they sailed southward past France and Spain, then continuing south down the north-west coast of Africa.  When they sighted other ships they would call out, seeking clues to the where abouts of Red Beard.  Days turned into weeks and weeks into months with not a sign of Red Beard.  Then one day they sighted an  English trader adrift and with broken masts.  On deck a small fire was burning, sending a  column of smoke into the air.

 

"Ahoy there!" The lookout called from the crows nest, but there was no reply.

 

"Ooh Cap'n, it's 'The Saucy Chicken', she was sailing back to Portsmouth with a cargo of  exotic carvings from The Ivory Coast." Julian informed Roger.

 

"Aye lad, I knows the Cap'n of The Saucy Chicken. Cap'n Burt Sigh be a good friend o'  mine. Pull us alongside lad, let's see if there be anything we can do to help The Saucy  Chicken."

 

The Wood Pigeon drew alongside The Saucy Chicken, what had happened was plain for  all to see.

 

"The decks be awash wi' blood an' there be bodies everywhere. Ah har me hearties, looks like Red Beard 'as been 'ere in the last hour or two." Roger had never sounded so sad.

 

"SAIL AHOY!" the call came from the crows nest.

 

"Where away." Roger called back.

 

"Dead astern of the Micogondola Cap'n, an' coming at full speed."

 

"Ah har, it be Red Beard.  Down all sails, all hands below deck and into the air bag."

 

Quickly the crew prepared the ship to submerge and all was ready to spring the trap.

 

"Dive, dive, dive."  Roger yelled as he turned his hat backwards to look through the hollow mast.

 

 The donkeys were trotting as Roger manoeuvred The Wood Pigeon into position.

 

"Ah har lads, it be Red Beard all right. Ha ha ha, 'e got his cutlass between his teeth.  Ho ho ho, 'e be alongside The Micogondola.  He he he, 'e be boarding her."

 

"Ooh Captain, can I have look?" Julian interrupted.

 

"Ha ha ha, aye lad, ho ho ho, I can't see for laughing, he he he, so 'e might as well take a look."

 

"Ooh, it looks like all the pirates are climbing over the side of the ship.  Now they're on the deck.  It worked, it worked!"  Julian cried out as he gave Roger a big kiss.

 

"Hurrah!" the crew responded.

 

"Yuk." Roger muttered as wiped the kiss off on his sleeve. "Full speed ahead lads, we'll tow the Micogondola up wind, so's the rest of RB's crew can't rescue him."

 

Two hours later Roger scanned the horizon through the hollow mast. "Ha Ha Ha! We's lost 'em all right.  Surface lads, lets go get our prize."

 

Roger and his best fighting men boarded the Micogondola.  There in the cage below was Red Beard and a bunch of mean looking Pirates.

 

"Ahoy there Red Beard." Roger called "We'll be taking 'e back ta London, ta stand trial for murder and piracy.  But first I's gonna punish 'e for murdering my friend Cap'n Burt Sigh.  Bring Red Beard back ta The Wood Pigeon lads."

 

"It be a fair cop Jolly Roger, 'e caught me fair an' square.  Have mercy on me." replied Red Beard.

 

"'E wants mercy does 'e ?  Well we don't have any mercy.  We'll give 'e ‘Trinny’, the ship’s cat. Fifteen lashes of the cat lads.  Aye fifteen lashes."

 

Trinny, the ship’s cat was a large nervous tom tabby.  A lash of the cat was a punishment Roger often dealt out to humiliate any crew member that was found to be drunk on duty.  A single lash was not too painful and it made everyone laugh, so the embarrassed sailor would be careful to stay sober from then on.  The sailor would be tied against a mast with his bare back outwards.  A long strap was then tied around the rear of the cat and it was swung around the Captain's head.  That made the cat put it's legs out straight with claws outstretched.  The cat was then thrown against the sailors back and it would sink its claws into the skin to try and hold on.  More than a single lash meant pulling Trinny back off the sailor while he still had his claws in, thus tearing the skin and causing extensive bleeding.  You can try this at home if you have a cat, a strap, and a younger brother or sister.

 

"Ooh Captain, don't you think you should punish Red Beard in front of his crew." Julian suggested.

 

"Aye lad, but this boat be too small. There's not enough room here to swing a cat. Back to The Wood Pigeon lads."

 

Red Beard was tied against a mast and the crew assembled to witness punishment.

 

"Ah har, Trinny me ol' sea cat, 'ere Trinny, Trinny, Trinny, puss puss puss.  Who's tasty bit of cod is this 'ere then. Ah har, gotcha!"

 

A strap was tied around Trinnys' hind quarters and Roger started to swing the cat around his head.

 

Meeoooowwwwww, wooosshhh, splat, "AARRGGHH!", rrrip.

 

"One." Julian called the count.

 

Meeoooowwwwww, wooosshhh, splat, "AARRGGHH!", rrrip.

 

"Two."

 

Meeoooowwwwww, wooosshhh, splat, "AARRGGHH!", rrrip.

 

"Three."

 

"'Ave mercy on me Cap'n Roger." Red Beard cried.

 

"Ah har, he he. 'ave Trinny 'e Red Beard. Ha ha ha."

 

Fifteen times Trinny the cat was lashed against Red Beards' back and fifteen times he called out in pain.

 

"Fifteen." Julian called "Punishment is over."

 

"An' one for luck." Roger replied as he threw that Trinny once more, causing great delight amongst the crew.

 

Trinny was released and he staggered back to his hideout.  The ships rats would be safe tonight.

 

"Take 'im back to The Micogondola lads, 'is crew mates can dress 'is wounds. It's back to Portsmouth shipmates, we 'as to get our reward from that there Admiral Sir Donald Drake.  Fly the Jolly Roger on the tallest mast so's all can see we's caught another pirate."

 

And so The Wood Pigeon an' her crew sailed back to Portsmouth.  As they entered the harbour crowds of cheering fans lined the harbour walls.

 

"Hurrah for Roger." One section of the crowd called.

 

"God bless Jolly Roger." Came from another section.

 

"Cooee, Julian." Another rather odd looking section of the crowd shouted.

 

 

Soon The Wood Pigeon and The Micogondola were tied up and the prisoners taken into custody.

 

"Ah har Julian 'e did a grand job this trip. As a reward I'm giving 'e The Micogondola.  Make sure 'e keeps it clean an' 'as it serviced properly."

 

"Ooh, thank you ever so much Captain." Julian responded smacking a surprise wet one on Rogers' cheek.  "How can I ever repay you."

 

"Ah, er um.  Not necessary Julian.  Just 'e look after it.  Now I wants 'e ta come ta London with me, ta see Drake and gets our reward."

 

"Aye, aye Captain. I wonder if that nice Bernard will be there."

 

At Admiralty House Roger and Julian were met by Bernard.

 

"Ah Captain Roger Micó and Julian.  Wonderful of you to capture Red Beard.  His trial is scheduled for next Tuesday, so if you'd like to stay in London for a few days you could watch the hanging on Wednesday morning." Bernard enthused. "I've got some good tickets, right in the front row."

 

"Ah har, we 'as ta plan our voyage ta catch Black Beard.  But thank 'e for asking."

 

"They have some good supporting acts. There's a magician that turns women into Aardvarks, and an acrobatics troop that catapult themselves into huge bowls of custard."

 

"Nay lad, we 'as a job ta do."

 

"Oh well, never mind. Drake is interviewing more discoverers, do come in and listen."

 

Stood in front of Drake was Captain J T Kirk.

 

"Oh it's you again Kirk. Well lets have it."

 

"Cap'ns log, Sea date 1142.9  ....."

 

"Yes, yes, get on with it man."

 

"We boldly sailed west, where no man 'as gone afore. For five months we sailed, never seeing sight o' land. Then one day we sighted land that stretched from one 'orizon ta the other. We went ashore. The coast was covered in dense forest, so we set up camp on the beach.  Then the natives arrived."

 

"Natives, describe them."

 

"They was pink skinned an' 'ad feathers in their 'eads."

 

"Scots put feathers in their hats don't they?  Have you been back to Scotland ?"

 

"No, no!  They was 'alf naked an' made a terrible wailing noise."

 

"Drunken Scots playing bagpipes."

 

"No, no!  They 'ad paint on their faces what made 'em look 'orrible."

 

"Even worse, drunken scots women."

 

"No, no!"

 

"Get out!"

 

"But.....but."

 

"Out!"

 

Bernard took hold of Kirk’s shoulder and helped him to leave.

 

Drake stood up to greet Roger.  "Now then Jolly Roger, er, you don't mind me calling you Jolly Roger do you?  Everyone does you know, even the Queen.  Do you know, she told me the other day that what she really needed was a Jolly good Rogering.  She has a strange way of talking, but I told her, as soon as Jolly Roger arrives in London I'll send him round to the palace.  Some people get medals for doing what you've done.  You'd best get straight round to the palace I'm pretty sure the Queen wants to give you one."

 

"Ah har.  'E best give my apologies to Queenie, I 'as to get straight back ta Portsmouth an plan my attack on Black Beard."

 

"Oh o.k. I'll send Bernard round with a note.  Now then, tell me all about your voyage."

 

 

Roger and Julian told Donald all about the capture of Red Beard and his crew.

 

"And all without spilling a drop of blood.  Oh except Red Beards'." concluded Julian.

 

"Very well done Roger.  I've arranged for your reward to be delivered as soon as you arrive back in Portsmouth."

 

"Ah har, ha ha ha.  That be what I likes ta hear.  Come on Julian, we 'as work ta do."