Roger vs Black Beard

 

 

Roger and Julian arrived back at Portsmouth harbour at lunch time on Sunday. Being rather hungry Julian suggested eating at an inn before returning to the ship.

 

"Ooh Captain, I'm so hungry I could eat a shark. Do you fancy popping up The Cabin Boy for a quick nibble?"

 

The Cabin Boy was an inn used by wealthy travellers and rich sailors, so the food was pretty good. At the inn they sold a wide range of imported ales and nautical souvenirs.

 

"Ah har Julian lad, 'e was thinkin' the same as I. Let's go eat."

 

Roger and Julian entered the inn.

 

"Good afternoon gentlemen." a serving wench welcomed them "Table for two?"

 

"Aye."

 

"Spitting or non spitting?"

 

"Non spitting. Er, be that Cap'n Kirk over yonder?" Roger enquired.

 

"Yes sir, he's a miserable ol' git today."

 

"Well sit us with 'im. Maybe we can cheer 'im up. I think there be more ta 'is last voyage than Drake knows."

 

"Yes, poor old Kirk, he does look a bit down." added Julian.

 

"Cap'n Kirk, I be Cap'n Roger Micó."

 

"Cap'n 'Jolly' Roger Micó?"

 

"Aye."

 

"THE Cap'n 'Jolly' Roger what's rich an' famous from catching Pink Beard an' Red Beard?"

 

"Aye."

 

"Then sod off you flash git!"

 

"Cap'n I's 'ere to 'elp you ta become rich an' famous too."

 

"An' why would 'e do that?"

 

"Cos I think 'e was 'ard done by when 'e saw Drake."

 

"'E do?"

 

"Aye, it be too cold for Scots ta run about 'alf naked. Besides 'e be a good sailor an' if 'e sailed west for five months without falling off the edge of the world, then there aint no edge."

 

"Aye, that be what I thinks. My next trip I's gonna sail east, an' I aint gonna stop sailing east till I gets back to England."

 

"Ah har, can I calls 'e Jim, Cap'n."

 

"Aye, 'e can."

 

"Jim, tells us all about 'es last voyage."

 

Kirk told Roger and Julian about the voyage west and how they had seen strange fish and many Islands along the way. He told them more about the natives who lived in pointed houses made from animal skins and had feathers in their hair. How they hunted large hairy bull like creatures for food, and made a living by making jewellery to sell to tourists.

 

"On the way back we sighted a strange lookin' Island. It 'ad a pointed mountain what 'ad smoke comin' from the top. So we decided ta land for fresh water an' food. I sent a party o' men ashore ta make sure it was safe in case the natives turned nasty. After an hour they returned, the island was deserted, but they did see marks in the sand coming out of the water. Foot prints, aye, human foot prints, with boots on. While 'arf the crew went looking for food an' water me an' the first mate, John Silver, went to investigate the foot prints. We followed 'em into the jungle for about fifteen minutes.

 

Then we came across these trees, the trunks 'ad grown across each other so's they looks like a big X. Beneath the trees we could see that the ground had been dug quite recently.  A spade was leaning against a tree so we started ta dig. Soon we found the first treasure chest. "Ah har" says John Silver, "This must be Treasure Island, I thinks we is rich.". So we opens up the chest and guess what we finds. It be full of bones, but not any old bones, they all be feet. They didn't 'arf pong."

 

"Black Beard!" Julian interrupted "He sinks ships with all hands, but sometimes keeps the feet."

 

"Aye, it be Black Beard all right." confirmed Roger. "Jim, do 'e think 'e could find this place agin?"

 

"Aye, I's made a map of the Island. Look, that be where the crossed trees are an' where the feet was buried. X marks the spot."

 

"But could 'e find the Island?"

 

"That be easy, our course all be recorded in my Cap'ns log. But 'e must beware, I aint told 'e all of what 'appened on that island."

 

"Ah har, then 'e best tell us all Cap'n Jim."

 

"Now then, where was I?"

 

"The chest of smelly ol' feet."

 

"Oh arr. In all we dug up fifteen chests, all filled with feet. I says to John Silver "This be strange, all these feet and not a soul on the island, there must be treasure somewhere 'ere abouts". So we gets all the crew ashore ta search the island. I was just about ta give up when some of the crew came runnin' out of the forest. Some was screamin', some was a cryin', and some was out of their minds. "Monster", they yelled, "big black monster, 'e be eatin' John Silver.". So we arms ourselves with our swords an' long bows, ta track down the monster. At the foot of the mountain we finds poor ol' John Silver. The monster 'ad ripped orf 'is leg, just below the knee. He survived, but later our chippy 'ad ta knock 'im out with 'is mallet an' fit 'im with a wooden leg. Anyway, we could see a cave 'arf way up the mountain. We thought the monster might live there, so we starts ta climb. We 'adn't gone far when the monster attacked us. It were like a huge black dog, wiv a white spot between 'is ears."

 

"Ah har, I knew it. I knew it. Har ha ha, ha ha." Interrupted Roger. "That aint no monster, that be Black Spot, Black Beards dog. 'E be a mean an' vicious beast. Black Beard be usin' 'im ta guard the treasure. It must be in the cave. Ah har Jim, this do be your Treasure Island after all. If 'e takes us there 'e can keep all the treasure, an' we'll keep Black Beard.  What do ya say Jim, will 'e 'elp us ta catch Black Beard?"

 

"Aye Roger, that I will."

 

And so it was that two weeks later the small fleet of three vessels, The Wood Pigeon, The Micogondola, and The Enterprise, sailed out of Portsmouth harbour to find Kirk's Treasure Island.

 

The voyage to Treasure Island was long and hazardous. Storms lashed the ships for days on end and when they stopped the ships would be becalmed. The Wood Pigeon, equipped with the donkey drive paddles was able to continue but Roger held back to stay with Julian and Kirk. Three months after they left Portsmouth the island was sighted and Roger called Julian and Kirk to a briefing before landing.

 

"Ah har, Julian 'e done well to sail The Micogondola all this way. By the powers given ta me by Admiral Drake I promotes 'e ta Cap'n Julian, ah har. First thing 'e as ta do as a new Cap'n is ta learn ta talk proper, like what me an' Cap'n Kirk does. Ha ha ha, he he he, ho ho ho."

 

"Ooh thank you very much."  Julian replied as he lent forward to kiss Roger in gratitude.

 

Roger saw it coming and side stepped sending Julian crashing to the ground.

 

"An' the second thing a new Cap'n 'as ta do is stop kissin' other sailors. Ha ha ha, ho ho ho."

 

"Aye," added Kirk "the only thing a sailor should kiss be the Cap'ns log."

 

Julian smiled.

 

"Down ta business lads." Roger spoke before Julian could comment further "We 'as ta make sure that Black Beard aint on the island. So I'll submerge The Wood Pigeon and drive round the island. If we sees any ships we'll have to lay off over the horizon until they're gone. Now then, once we gets ashore our first job be ta gets rid of Black Spot.  Julian, 'ows our secret weapon?"

 

"Ooh, har." replied Julian trying to sound more like a Cap'n.  "She be looking super my old shipmates."

 

"Ah har, what be the secret weapon?" enquired Kirk.

 

"Ah har, ha ha. It be Mitch, the sexiest 'ound 'e as ever seen.  Ol' Black Spot aint seen a bitch in years. 'E be in for a surprise.  Ha ha ha, he he he."

 

"Ar, that be a good trap.  What then?" asked Kirk.

 

"Black Beard always buries the feet under the crossed trees, so 'e must always land at the beach closest to them trees. 'E must bury the bones before taking the treasure up ta the cave. We opens up some of the chests of bones, so's 'e knows someone's found 'em.  We takes all the treasure back ta The Enterprise. When Black Beard gets ta the cave we'll be waiting."

 

"H'mmm, but won't Black Beard put up a fight shipmates?"

 

"We digs some holes an' covers 'em with fishing nets.  We covers the nets with leaves so's they can't be seen. Then when Black Beard falls in the hole we ties up the net with 'im inside.  Simple."

 

"Ah har, Cap'n Roger, 'e 'as a clever plan."

 

Kirk and Julian returned to their ships while Roger checked the island for pirate ships. All was clear so the three ships anchored in a secluded bay, and landing parties went ashore.

 

"Ah har, Jim. 'E goes an' opens up some of them feet chests. Julian bring Mitch, we goes ta catch Black Spot."

 

Mitch was in fact a fake dog.  To humans it looked really stupid, but to a mean dog that had not seen a bitch in years any old sea dog with four legs would look attractive.  Hidden in a certain part of Mitch's anatomy was a bear trap. Brings tears to you eyes just thinking about it.

 

Mitch was pushed up the hill until she was in view of the cave. Roger, Julian, and the rest of their landing parties, hid amongst the bushes and waited.  Their wait was short.  After only a few minutes they heard Black Spot call to Mitch.

 

"Ruff, rruff, woof." Black Spot called.

 

"Woooof woof." Julian replied in a seductive manner.

 

Black Spot new immediately that it was his birthday and charged up behind Mitch.

 

"Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff." woosh, snap "Hooooowwwwwwllllllllll." Black Spot fainted.

 

"Ah har ha, ha ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho, he he he he." Roger had never seen anything so funny.

 

"Ooh Captain, that poor doggy." Julian forgot to sound captainish.

 

"Quick lads." Roger was recovering. "Lets get the treasure back ta The Enterprise."

 

They were soon joined by Kirk and his crew who got all the treasure aboard The Enterprise in short time.  All three landing parties were now aboard The Enterprise as well as that ships crew, so Roger decided to address them now.

 

"All 'ands on deck!" Roger called. "Oh I don't believes it! STAND UP! Why do it be that all sailors are so stupid. Now then Cap'n Kirk. 'E best stay 'ere, guard the treasure an' be ready ta leave soon as we catches Black Beard. Then 'e can go where 'e pleases, wi' all that there treasure, it be yours as agreed. Julian, come wi' me we 'as a trap to set."

 

Roger and Julian took their men back to the foot of the mountain. Just below the cave they dug more than a dozen ten foot deep holes, covered them with nets, and camouflaged them with leaves and branches.

 

"Ah har," said Roger "all we 'as ta do now is wait for Black Beard."

 

For more than three weeks they lived in the cave, each day expecting the pirates ship to be sighted.  Then, on Thursday morning, just after sunrise, a ship was sighted.  It sailed closer and closer until it dropped anchor just off the beach nearest the crossed trees.  Roger could see two chests being unloaded and placed in a rowing boat.

 

"Ah har Julian, one be feet an' one be treasure." Roger said in a low whisper.

 

"Ha ah Roger, what are you, I mean, what be 'e whispering for. They be a mile away."  Julian replied.

 

"Just 'e keep quiet an' watch what 'appens."

 

Black Beard and his landing party unloaded the chests from the rowing boat and started to carry one up the beach and into the forest toward the X trees.

 

"Shiver me timbers and splice me main brace." Black Beard shouted "Someone's been triflin' wiv me tootsies. Ye gods, me treasure! Quick lads follow me up ta the cave. Run as fast as 'e can."

 

Black Beard ran as fast as his legs would carry him, until he suddenly realised there was no ground beneath his feet. His men, seeing him disappear turned round and fled back to their ship, leaving Black Beard in the hole.

 

"Ah har, ahoy there Black Beard.  I be Cap'n Roger Micó an' I be takin 'e back ta London ta stand trial for murder an' piracy  Tie up the net lads an' haul 'im back ta The Wood Pigeon.  Ha ha ha, he he he, 'e made it simple for me."

 

"Aye Cap'n Roger." agreed Julian "  'E be the easiest ta catch so far.  Let's go wave bye bye ta Cap'n Kirk."

 

By the time Roger and Julian got back to the small bay where they had left Kirk, The Enterprise was under way and a hundred yards or so off shore.  On deck and waving stood Cap'n Jim Kirk and his first mate John Silver.

 

As Roger and Julian stood on the beach and waved to Kirk and Silver they heard Kirk call out.  "We'll be back."  Then The Enterprise went sort of fuzzy and after a second or two vanished into thin air.

 

"Oooh, Cap'n. How do we explain that to Drake?" Julian pondered.

 

"I don't think we does Julian, I don't think we does.  They'll think we is mad an' lock us up.    Come on Cap'n Julian, race 'e back ta Portsmouth?"

 

"Aye ye ol' sea dog, 'e can't catch me.  Har ha ha ha ha."

 

"Ah har har, ho ho ho ho, he he he he."