Roger v Grey Beard

 

The Micogondola was a much faster ship than The Wood Pigeon, so that when there was a good breeze Julian would leave Roger far behind. On days when there was little or no breeze Roger would use the donkey drive to catch up and overtake Julian. The race back to Portsmouth was close run but exactly three months, two days, six hours and forty-two minutes after they left Treasure Island they sailed into the harbour side by side.

 

“That be strange,” Roger muttered to himself, “both ships clearly fly the Jolly Roger, but there be no crowds ta meet us. Just the Portsmouth Militia.”

 

Julian had similar thoughts. “Ooh I do like a man in uniform, but where is everyone else?”

 

The two ships anchored in the harbour and Roger and Julian were brought ashore in rowing boats.  As they landed the Captain of the Militia met them.

 

“Captains Roger Micó and Julian Fitznicely, you are under arrest.  I am instructed to escort you to Admiralty House along with Black Beard.”  He said firmly.

 

“Under arrest?  What for?  We be the good guys.”  Roger replied.

 

“I do not have all the details Captain, but I understand that two ships flying the Jolly Roger have been attacking ships near Gibraltar.”

 

“Ah har, ‘ave they now.  An’ ‘oo do ‘e think that be then?”

 

“Well, everyone thinks it is you Captain. Now, no more chatter, we must head for London straight away.”

 

At Admiralty House they were, as usual, met by Bernard.

 

“Ah, Captains, or should I say ex-Captains Micó and Fitznicely.” Bernard greeted them in a sarcastic tone.

 

Julian decided it was his turn to speak.  “Ah har Bernard, ‘e’s makin’ a big mistake.  ‘E should know that we be ‘onest sailors.  We aint no pirates.”

 

“Oh, I know that Julian. Ha ha ha. Don’t you know it’s April fools day. King Henry and the Queen want to play a good trick on you. Don’t let on I told you.”

 

“Ooh Bernard, you are naughty!”

 

“I know.” chuckle “Let’s go in, Drake is waiting.”

 

The three entered Drake’s office.

 

“Ah! Micó and Fitznicely. I can’t stand the King’s pathetic April fools jokes, so lets just get down to business. You can give the King his laugh later.  While you were out catching Black Beard there have been some developments you should know about. Grey Beard and Elsy Beard have been ambushing ships near Gibraltar. What’s more they fly the Jolly Roger to fool ships into thinking they are safe. I’m sure that if you head off down to Gibraltar you’ll find Mr. and Mrs. Grey Beard.”

 

“Ah har, Julian. Will ‘e sail wi’ me ta catch the last of them there Beards.”

 

“Aye Roger.  It be my pleasure ta sail with ‘e.”

 

“Good, I’m sure the pair of you are more than a match for Grey Beard. One more thing.  That fool Kirk was here last week.”

 

“Last week!” Roger and Julian spoke in unison.

 

“Yes.  Damn fool thinks the Earth is a globe, so he’s trying to sail round it.  Said he was heading east.  I expect he’s either off the east coast of Scotland or going round in circles in the Mediterranean.  He has a new First Mate, Scottish chap by the name of Scottie.  No surprise there. Keep an eye out for him, there’s good fellows.”

 

“Aye, that we will. We needs ta speaks to Cap’n Jim.”  Roger replied.

 

“Now then you two, King Henry and the Queen have invited you to the palace for afternoon tea.  Don’t be too hungry, they only provide tea and biscuits, and they charge for the biscuits.  They expect you to arrive dressed as convicts, you’re supposed to have been arrested for piracy.  All their idea I’m afraid. Bernard has hired some convict outfits for you.  You must speak up when you talk to Henry, he’s going deaf in his old age. Oh, and watch out for the Queen’s nephew, Christopher, the little sod painted graffiti all over my carriage last time I went to the palace.”

 

“Ah har, sounds ta me like ‘e need a spell of naval discipline, ha ha ha.”  Roger commented.

 

“Good idea Roger, do suggest it to the King.”

 

Bernard helped Roger and Julian to get dressed as convicts. Julian noted that the stunning hoop design of the outfits enhanced his figure, making him look rather attractive in a slightly roguish manner.  Whereas it made Roger look fat.

 

Soon they arrived at the palace, the King and Queen were sat in the drawing room awaiting their arrival.

 

“Ah ha, Wodger and Julius.”

 

“Er, Julian your highness.” Julian interrupted.

 

“Oh no thank you sonny, I’ve given that up.”

 

“Doo sit down.”  the Queen spoke pointing at two wooden stools.

 

They sat on the stools.

 

“Would one care for a biscuit?” the Queen enquired.

 

“Ah har, thank ‘e m’am.”  Julian answered leaning forward to take a biscuit.

 

He took a bite.

 

“That’ll be tuppence.” the Queen responded holding out her gloved hand.

 

“What!  Oh!  Ah!  Er, um.  I er, I left my purse in my other trousers.” Julian blushed.

 

Henry was turning purple as he tried to suppress a giggling fit, while Roger was doing a good job of looking shocked.

 

“One can’t pay for one’s biscuit?”

 

“Er, no m’am.” the blush deepened.

 

“Guard!”

 

Two guards entered the room.

 

“This Julian person has pirated the royal biscuit. Take him to the Tower and have his head chopped off.”

 

The guards, who were in on the joke, grabbed Julian by the ankles and dragged him toward the door.

 

“But, but, but!” Julian cried out close to tears.  “Roger do something!”

 

“Apwil fool!  Ha ha ha he he he.” Henry called as he collapsed in a fit of giggles.

 

“Haw haw haw.” the Queen forced a fake laugh. “Doo come back and finish your biscuit.”

 

Roger had fallen off his stool and was rolling around in hysterics.

 

“Oh!  Oh thank you.  That was very funny.  Ho ho.” Julian had turned white as a sheet.

 

He returned to his stool and continued to nibble the biscuit.

 

“One can send a cheque for ones biscuit when one gets back to ones ship.”

 

“Now then Wodger,” Henry said excitedly “I want to hear all about your last adventure.  I weally would like to take a twip to your Tweasure Island.  Maybe we can awange a Woyal visit?  Now tell me all about it.”

 

Roger told Henry the story, he left out the bit about Kirk disappearing.  Henry could hardly contain his excitement as Roger shouted the events to him.  The Queen found the whole thing quite boring and soon had fallen asleep in her chair. She snored regally.

 

“Now then Wodger, now that you’ve made Julius Captain of his own ship.”

 

“Julian!”

 

“No thank you. Now Julius is a Captain you’ll be needing a new cabin boy.”

 

“Aye that I will. I ‘ears ‘e ‘ave a nephew, Christopher. A spell at sea would do ‘im good I’m told.”

 

“Good.  I’ve just the boy for the job. My nephew Chwistopher.”  Henry hadn’t heard a word Roger had said.  He beckoned toward the door and a young boy entered.  “Wodger, this is my nephew Chwistopher, your new cabin boy.”

 

“Ah har, ‘e looks a fine lad. ‘As ‘e been ta sea ‘afore?”

 

“No sir, but one day I would like to be Captain of my own ship and travel the world discovering new lands and new civilisations.”

 

“Aye, wouldn’t we all. Do ‘e ‘ave ‘e bags packed.”

 

“Yes sir!”

 

“’E ‘as ta say aye aye Cap’n, not yes sir.”

 

“Aye Aye Cap’n.”

 

“Come then Christopher lad, we ‘as ta get back ta Portsmouth an’ prepare ta go catch Grey Beard.  An’ if I catch ‘e paintin’ the ship ‘e’s gonna walk the plank.  Got it!”  Roger winked at Henry.

 

“Aye aye Cap’n.”

 

The three said their goodbyes to the King and Queen, Christopher collected his baggage, and soon they were on their way to Portsmouth.

 

Meanwhile, aboard The Wood Pigeon and The Micogondola, the crews were preparing the ships for the next voyage. Supplies were loaded, the decks scrubbed, the sails washed, and the donkeys exercised. All was ready for the return of Roger and Julian, who returned directly to their respective vessels.

 

“Ah har, all hands on deck!” Commanded Roger.  “Oh I give up.  STAND UP!  Now then me ‘earties, we ‘ave a new cabin boy, a nephew of the King, Christopher.  What be ‘e full name sonny.”

 

“Christopher Columbus sir, I mean Cap’n.”

 

“Ah har, Christopher Columbus.  ‘E tells me ‘e gonna be a famous sailor what's gonna discover new lands an’ civilisations. Ha ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho , he he he he.” The whole crew laughed with Roger. “So let’s give the lad a chance lads, ‘e’ll make a fine sailor I’m sure. Now lads we ‘as ta catch ol’ Grey Beard an’ ‘is missus Elsy, so up anchor an’ set them sails. We’s heading for Gibraltar, ah har.”

 

The Wood Pigeon sailed out to sea closely followed by The Micogondola.  They headed due south on their journey to the Mediterranean island of Gibraltar. Christopher transferred to The Micogondola so that he could learn the art of being a cabin boy from Julian, who himself had been the best cabin boy Roger had come across.

 

Three days later, just after midnight, the ships anchored of Gibraltar. Roger went ashore for the latest news of Grey Beard. The best source for such news was sure to be found at the local seaman's tavern. There he would find the crews of ships that sailed the Med. In Gibraltar the tavern, called The Rock, was open twenty four hours a day, so sailors could visit The Rock around the clock. Roger was sure to have news of Grey Beard and be underway by dawn.

 

Roger looked through the window of the tavern, inside he could see three men. They had their sleeves rolled up and two were arm wrestling. One of the sailors had a wooden leg, another had an eye patch, the third had a hook hand.

 

"Ah har, just your average group of normal sailors." Roger said to himself.

 

Roger decided that his best course was to join the three in their arm wrestling contest so that he could gain their confidence.

 

"Ah har, I’ll enter The Rock an’ roll up my sleeves.” he muttered to himself.

 

“Ah har,” the man with the wooden leg spoke as Roger entered, “It be Jolly Roger.”

 

“Aye it be ‘im all right.” The man with the eye patch added.

 

 “Jolly Roger,” the man with the hook hand joined in, “do come an’ join us. Do ‘e arm wrestle?”

 

“Ah har, that I do.” Roger replied. “But first I seek news of Grey Beard. Do ‘e ‘ave any news?”

 

“Aye we do. Grey Beard captured our ship not two days ago, we was lucky to escape with our lives.”  The man with the wooden leg answered.

 

“Aye, sail east for two days.” The man with the eye patch continued.

 

“An’ Grey Beard will find ‘e.” concluded the man with the hook hand.

 

“An’ do ‘e ‘ave Elsy with ‘im?” Roger asked.

 

“Aye that ‘e do.” The man with the wooden leg responded.

 

“She be the most beautiful woman I ever laid my eye on.” The man with the eye patch continued.

 

“Ar, beautiful. Wish I could lay my ‘and on one such as ‘er.” The man with the hook hand concluded.

 

“Ah har, now lads, lets arm wrestle.” Roger said as he sat at the table.

 

The man with the wooden leg sat opposite Roger, the two put their elbows on the table and grasped each others hand.

 

“Ah har, ready, steady, go!” the man with the eye patch called.

 

Tension built as the two competitors tested each other. For five minutes the advantage switched from one man to the other. Then the man with the wooden leg started to turn purple. Suddenly Roger had the upper hand and he forced his opponent to the table.

 

“Ah har, ‘e beat me fair an’ square. Well done Jolly Roger. ‘Ere, you wins my wooden leg.”

 

Next the man with the eye patch sat opposite Roger. Once more the competition was intense, until after nearly ten minutes the man with the eye patch turned purple. Roger had the upper hand and soon forced his opponent to the table.

 

“Ah har, ‘e beat me fair an’ square. Well done Jolly Roger. ‘Ere, you wins my eye patch.”

 

The man with the hook hand sat at the table. For fifteen minutes he resisted Rogers efforts until suddenly he turned purple and Roger knew he had him beat.

 

“Ah har, ‘e beat me fair an’ square. Well done Jolly Roger. ‘Ere, you wins my hook hand.”

 

“What will ‘e do with a wooden leg, eye patch an’ hook hand?” The man who had previously been the proud owner of a wooden leg asked.

 

"Ah har,” Roger replied, “I ‘as a cousin who lives in a castle in central Europe. ‘E be a scientist an’ is trying to build a man out of body parts what ‘e collects after battles. ‘E only needs a leg, an eye an’ a hand ta finish ‘is latest attempt ta create life. Ah har, but that be another story. I’ll send these bits to Frankie for Christmas, they’re bound ta be useful to ‘im. I thank ‘e for the information ‘bout Grey Beard, I bid ‘e fare well.” Roger said as he got up to leave.

 

Roger made his way back to The Wood Pigeon, he arrived just in time for breakfast.  Julian and Christopher were also aboard waiting for his return.

 

“Ah har me ‘earties. ‘Ave a good breakfast lads, for soon we sails east ta catch Grey Beard and Elsy. Only one way ta catch ‘em lads. We ‘as ta board their ships an’ fight ‘em with the ol’ cutlass. I hope we all survives.” Roger told his crew. “Julian, ‘e takes the lead in The Micogondola. When ‘e sights Elsy you gives chase. Elsy will stop ta let ‘e catch up. Just as ‘e boards Elsy’s ship Grey Beard will come into sight ta attack ‘e from behind, ah har. But don’t ‘e worry lads we ‘as a surprise for Grey Beard. The Wood Pigeon will be submerged, as Grey Beard boards The Micogondola we’ll surface an’ take ‘em by surprise.”

 

“Excuse me Sir.” Christopher raised his hand. “How do you know that they will use Elsy as a decoy?”

 

“Ah har Christopher lad, they always works that way. Besides we ‘as ta ‘ave a plan.  If things work out different we ‘as ta do the best we can. An’ now lads, breakfast.  Three Shredded Wheat taday Cookie if ‘e please.”

 

After breakfast Julian and Christopher returned to The Micogondola.  Within the hour both ships were under way.

 

For two days and nights they sailed east without a sign of pirates.  Then, just after dawn on the third morning, a sail was sighted.

 

“Sail ahoy!” the call came from The Micogondola.

 

“Where away?” Roger called back.

 

“Off the port side. On the horizon.”

 

“Ah har, it must be Elsy. Quick lads, below decks. Dive, dive, dive.”

 

The Wood Pigeon was lined up astern of The Micogondola and laid back about 150 metres.  Because The Wood Pigeon was submerged the horizon was reduced to a distance of only 200 metres, so Roger constantly watched for the pirates to come into view.  After what seemed an endless wait the pirate ship finally came into view. It was The Bird of Prey, Grey Beards ship, and it was almost upon The Micogondola.

 

“Quick lads, surface.” Roger commanded. “It be Grey Beard. Julian be in trouble.”

 

By the time The Wood Pigeon had surfaced Grey Beard and his crew of pirates had boarded The Micogondola. A battle was in full flow and it would take three or four minutes for The Wood Pigeon to reach the scene.

 

“Sail ahoy!” a call came from the crows nest.

 

“What?” Roger called back.

 

“I said, SAIL AHOY!” replied the sailor.

 

“I know what ‘E said, fool. Where away an’ what ship be it.”

 

“Dead ahead of The Micogondola, Cap’n. It be The Maid of Dishonour, Elsy Beard Cap’n.”

 

“Ah har, full speed ahead lads, we ‘as ta intercept ‘er before she takes out The Micogondola.”

 

“Cap’n!” the lookout called. “The Maid of Dishonour is turning away. Look Cap’n! by The Bird of Prey.  Another ship.  It’s....it’s....it’s”

 

“Ah har, it be The Enterprise.  Good ol’ Cap’n Kirk.  Now that has taken Grey Beard by surprise. Ha ha ha, he he he.”

 

As The Wood Pigeon drew alongside The Micogondola, Roger could see that the battle was over.  Julian, Kirk, and Christopher had captured Grey Beard.

 

“Ahoy Julian lad.” Roger called out “We be goin’ ta catch Elsy. We’ll see ‘E later.”

 

The Wood Pigeon turned away to follow The Maid of Dishonour. ......... and was never seen again.

 

Kirk just seemed to vanish after the battle.  No one could recall seeing The Enterprise leave, it just wasn’t there any more.  But we all know that Kirk continued to sail where no man ‘ad sailed ‘afore.  Who knows, one day he might just sail into Portsmouth harbour with tales of new lands far from the shores of England.

 

Julian returned to England to bring Grey Beard to justice.  Drake had passed away while Julian had been at sea and Bernard had been promoted to Admiral.  Julian was summoned to the palace and in a moment of weakness King Henry promoted Julian to Rear Admiral, a rank that fulfilled his every ambition.

 

Christopher Columbus decided to follow up some of the stories that he had heard from the crew of The Enterprise.  We all know of his discoveries, but little has been told of his best kept secret. The truth of what happened to “Jolly” Roger Micó and the crew of The Wood Pigeon.

 

Nearly thirty years after the capture of Grey Beard, Columbus set sail to try and find the New World.  Sailing down the coast of Africa, his ship was caught in the first of many violent storms.  Each storm driving Columbus further and further south.  After many months at sea, favourable winds allowed Columbus to turn north.  It was not long before his lookout sited land.  “Oooh, Land ho! Off the port bow.”  called Sidney from the ship’s crow’s nest.

 

As as the ship approached land through a beautiful natural harbour, it became clear that it was inhabited.  On the southern shore appeared to be a rather large building with billowing white sails for a roof.  Between the northern and southern shores appeared a massive bridge.  “Hmm, who would build a bridge that looks like a coat-hanger.”  Columbus said to his First Mate.  In a small bay he could see two old ships, along the shoreline houses had been built.  As Columbus sailed closer he recognised one of the ships.

 

“It is.” he muttered to himself. “It’s The Wood Pigeon.”

 

“Aye Cap’n.” said the First Mate. “An the other one be The Maid of Dishonour.”

 

“Roger Micó, you crafty ol’ sea dog, you’ve set up home with Elsy.”  Columbus noted.  “Look!  On the roof of that big house, with  the billowing white sails, it’s a Jolly Roger flag.  Turn us back to sea No. 1, we’ll leave ‘em to enjoy their old age in peace.  Let’s sail back to Spain, but this time we turn left.”