UPDATE---SUMMER 2000
It was eight years ago, April 1992 exactly, that I was sentenced to death. August of the same year I was finally freed from the inefficient attorneys that the judge appointed over my objections. And was blessed to receive the representation of Mr. Gerald H. Goldstain and Ms. Cynthia Hujar Orr from the firm GOLDSTAIN, GOLDSTAIN & HILLEY of san Antonio, Texas.
Despite their credentials and credibility, my first experience with attorneys were of such a negative sort that I was near impossible that without the possibility to pay them my self, for me to believe that they would be willing to really help me, much less to actually care about me personally. It has been a long and difficult journey, one in which I have come to value their patience and understanding as much as (or more so) than their knowledge and ability as attorneys. And I know that I have not made it any easier for them, so that the greatest respect for their professional abilities pales to what I feel for them. Something that today I still haven't been able to express completely or adequately o them.
In the years since, they have researched, prepared, and filed a direct appeal to the Court of Criminal Appeals (CCA), the highest appellate court in Texas, which was denied by the Court. It was a disappointment I really had not been prepared for, but served to awaken me to the changes that were beginning to take place in the criminal court system. Since that decision in December 1994, the U.S. Supreme Court also refuses to review the case and to local court in Laredo has issued an execution date. In 1997, years worth of research, investigations, evidence and testimony presented to the Laredo Court, the CCA issued a decision that denied a new trial or any further presentation of appeals in any Texas state court. Each subsequent decision has been lo less of a disappointment and not any easer to accept to deal with. Yet each time has not given rise to hopelessness or despair. An more importantly, it has been amazing for me to see Mr. Goldstain and Ms. Orr work harder, seek more answers, discover something new or do something that sets a new precedent.
It is this setting of new precedent, which they have done. According to a news paper article of June 2000, an agreement was being formulated by the state attorney general's office in which they for the first time would confess to an error in capital murder case with respect to the case's sentencing process. Though it received wider exposure when it was done in another case (of Victor Saldano), and reported unusual. But it is their (Cynthia and Gerry) work on my behalf, which has made it possible. So now, why has Saldano been released from death row and I haven't? All I can say is that what they have done in my case is started a process than can lead to commutation of the death sentence, changing to one of life imprisonment with a chance to parole or conditional release from prison.
It is in meeting the substantive details of this agreement that will bring it to pass. And there is still a process of time and events hat need to happen before any cheering or celebrating can be done. Since becoming aware of this, it has been more of a collected intake of breath we are holding and waiting to let out in a sigh of relief. Which I still feels hopeful and optimistic about. It is true that many things can happen between now and then and I do keep my attention on what is happening in the political and judicial and public-at-large arenas. And we will have to waltz, continue to hold our breath (in a manner of speaking) until there is a definitive change.
There is a little else that I can say at this time. My hope is that I will have the opportunity to write again and breath out the suspended breath of relief. I believe that there will still be further to go, and more to be done. Because of this I hope that I can continue to count on your help and support. I will not be satisfied just to escape the sentence of death imposed on me by the state, nor even my own release from prison. There will still more death cells filled up and more prison cells built and filled up, and all these others must be able to know hope, life, and freedom as well. Whatever does come of my life, it will forever be touched by my experiences of these past 9+ years. The memories of nightmares, of friendships of both positive and negative events and experiences will remain with me. They have not watered the seeds of bitterness or despair. I do not feel hopeless even when I look around me and feel helpless. Sometimes the situation seems too overwhelming, and I, which I could retreat into nothingness, see nothing, hear nothing, and feel nothing. Others have done it, but each step down the road is ten times more difficult to take back. If or when I can't do it for my self to turn away from that road, it is the support and love of my family, friends, and total strangers that strengthens and compels me
like a siren at a foggy sea that warns of danger, or the smell of something cooking on a grill over a fire that promises something for satisfying a hungry stomach or the laughter of children to cheer the heart. If I can walk, guide me and if I can't you carry me.
Over time I've heard and read some nice stories, simple ones that speak a lot of what I am thinking at the moment or often. One is of an afternoon in the park. There was a little boy who wanted to meet GOD, and knew it was a long trip to where GOD lived, so he packed his suitcase with twinkles an a six pack of root beer to go on his journey. When he'd only gone a few blocks he met an old woman sitting in the park staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a sip from his root beer when he noticed the old lady looked hungry so he offered a twinkle. She gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. Such a pretty smile the boy wanted to see it again so he offered her a root beer
And once again she smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but never said a word. It grew dark and the boy realized how tired he was and got up to leave, but after a few steps he turned around and ran back to give the old lady a hug, for which she gave him her biggest smile ever. When the boy got home a short time later his mother asked (from the look of joy in his face) "what did you do today that made you so happy?" he replied "I had lunch with GOD" and before his mom could respond he added, "You know she's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen." Meanwhile the old woman also radiant with joy returned to her home. Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and asked her what she had done today that made her so happy. She replied, "I ate twinkles in the park with GOD." But before he could respond she added, "you know, he is much younger than I expected." 
Or the one of the man walking down a deserted beach in Mexico that saw another man in the distance pick something up and throw it out to sea. When he got close enough to see what it was, he asked the man what he was doing. The man said "I'm throwing this starfish back into the ocean, you see it's low tide now and all these starfish have been washed onto the shore, if I don't throw them back into the sea, they'll die up here from lack of oxygen." To which the first man replied, "but there must be thousands of starfish on the beach, you can't possible get all of them, there are simply too many. And don't you realize, this is probably happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down the coast. Can't you see that you can't possibly make a difference?" To what the local native smiled and bend down to pick up another starfish, and as he threw it back to the sea he said, "made a difference to that one."
So thanks for reading this and I trust you can understand what makes these stories special to me. And I hope that they can inspire you to think what we may find when we think we're looking for something far away or when anyone else thinks we are doing something fruitless and couldn't possibly make a difference.
I invite you to stay informed and yet involved. For what you have done and/or you will do, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
--BACK TO MAIN--