Chapter 8

The next few weeks were hell. Complete, pure hell.

The first problem was that Lance was now around all the fucking time. He’d just show up on our doorstep like he had a permanent invitation or something. And then I started to worry that maybe he did have a permanent invitation. And of course, that just made me feel worse which in turn made me a lot more hostile to Lance. I know that he probably thought that I had gone insane, but I didn’t care. He was encroaching on my man, and I didn’t take kindly to that. Even if said man didn’t know he was mine yet.

The second problem was that Josh kept touching me. I mean, I can see how most people can fail to see this as a problem, but trust me; it is when you’ve just realized that you’ve been in love for someone for all of your adult life and that this love is unrequited. When it’s like that, every touch feels like that person is ripping a piece of your soul out. Okay, so maybe I’m being dramatic, but feeling Josh touch me did make me feel a little melancholy. And he touched me all the damn time. Little touches on my arm when he spoke to me, ruffling my hair when he passed me in the hallway, and the hand he placed on my lower back whenever we were standing close to each other. The back touches were the worst. I mean, the small of someone’s back is a very intimate place, and you shouldn’t play with someone’s emotions by touching them there! I mean, that’s just cruel.

Of course, everything eventually came to a head. It had to. It was a lazy Saturday afternoon and I was finishing up my final exam screenplay when Josh flopped on the couch next to me. “Hey,” he said grinning, “you want to hear something wild?”

“What?” I asked, smiling back at him.

“Lance asked me out on a date.”

My face fell. “Oh.” I turned back to my laptop and ignored the stinging behind my eyes. “So, did you say yes?”

He shrugged. “I told him I’d get back to him on it. I wanted to talk to you about it first.”

I got up and started walking to the kitchen to try to hide that fact that I was dying inside. “You’re a grown man. I mean, what does it matter what I say?”

Josh followed me and hooked his chin over my shoulder as I looked into the refrigerator. “I don’t want it to be weird. He’s your friend and I don’t want this to create any problems between me and you or you and Lance. He said that you seem to be mad at him lately.”

“Oh.” I answered, looking blindly at the food in front of me. “So, how do you feel about him? Do you like him?”

I felt Josh shrug behind me. “He’s an okay guy. I mean, I’m not pining over him or anything, but it has been a while since I’ve been on a date and it might be nice, you know?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but Josh chose that moment to worm his hand under my t-shirt to lay it on the small of my bare back. I yanked his hand off of me. “Don’t touch me!” I shouted.

Josh backed up in surprise. “What? I’m sorry; I didn’t…what’s wrong? I always touch you. Are you mad at me or something?”

The stinging in my eyes got worse and I knew I was about to cry. “You can’t just touch me like that and have it mean nothing. You’re over here touching me while you’re talking about Lance and I know you’re going to marry him and adopt hundreds of orphans and give to charity and I’m going to have to watch you and be miserable because I want you to be happy.”

Josh looked even more confused. “What the hell are you talking about? Lance and I haven’t even been out on a date yet, and you’re talking about orphans and shit.” Josh’s eyes narrowed. “Do you like Lance or something? Is that what’s started this whole tirade?”

“No, you idiot!” I yelled. “I don’t give a shit about Lance! I’m head over heels in love with you!”

I couldn’t believe what had just come out of my mouth. And obviously, neither could Josh. He just stared at me, openmouthed, and I’m sure that I was gaping like a fish, as well. So, for the second time in three weeks, I ran.

- - -

I considered going to Joey and Chris’, but I knew that they wouldn’t be any help. Plus, Josh would call them first to see if I was over there. I frowned. Maybe Josh wouldn’t call there. He was probably so embarrassed that he didn’t want to see me at all. I almost cried at that thought.

Then I thought about it again, and I realized that no matter how much of a fool I had made of myself, Josh would still try to find me. After all, I was family, and he would always love me, even if it wasn’t in the way that I craved.

That’s when I decided that I had to move, not just out of the apartment, but also out of LA. Maybe go back home to Tennessee. I only had two weeks until graduation. I could go back to my dad’s while I figured out what I was going to do with my life. I knew that being a film major that I’d eventually end back up in California, but until then I could waste some time in graduate school. I knew that if stayed here, with Josh knowing that I loved him, that his damn sense of responsibility would make sure that he wouldn’t date again until he felt that I was over him. And I knew that if I had to see him everyday that that would never happen.

I didn’t tell him any of this though. I got a hotel room that night, and the next day, while he was at practice, I packed up all the things that I could and left some money and a note that I was leaving and that I’d come back for the rest of my stuff soon, and that I was sorry to be leaving so abruptly, but here was next month’s rent so he’d be ok while he looked for a new roommate. I knew that it was the coward’s way out, but I couldn’t face him.

The next hour found me at Joey and Chris’s place, duffle bag in hand.

“What the fuck is going on?” asked Chris as he yanked me in. “Josh has been calling every half hour looking for you talking about you and Lance and orphans, crying like a fucking baby, while you’ve been missing in action. Have the two of you finally gone insane?!”

I plopped down on the couch and buried my face in my hands. “I told Josh that I’m in love with him.”

That shut Chris up real quick. He stood there for a moment, speechless before he finally asked, “Well, what happened then?”

“Nothing. I panicked and left and stayed in a hotel last night. I’ve decided that I’m going back to Tennessee. I can’t stay here any longer for Josh to take pity on me.”

Just then the phone rang and whatever Chris was about to say was put on hold while he went to go answer the phone. I heard him grunt a couple of times and then after a few minutes he came back to the couch where I was at.

“That was Joey,” he announced. “He’s at your old apartment. Josh has found your note and is hysterical, asking us that if we talk to you to make you come home and whatever he’s done, he’ll fix it.”

I broke into tears at that. “That’s the problem, Chris!” I cried. “Josh loves me, I know that. He’ll do anything for me. But the problem is that he’s not in love with me. And if I stay, he’ll try to make himself fall in love with me and I can’t let him do that. So, please don’t tell him I’m here. In two weeks I’ll be out of your hair. Please, Chris.”

Chris sighed and I know he had given in. “Fine. But I just want to say for the record that I think that you’re making a mistake and you’re acting like an idiot.”

“And you’re entitled to your opinion. But you’ve already agreed to hide me and you can’t go back on that promise.”

Chris rolled his eyes and stormed out as I continued to convince myself that I was doing the best thing for everyone.

Chapter 9>>> [COMING SOON!!]
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