“I’m– Shit, you shouldn’t’a seen that– ”

    “No, I–”

    “Promise me,” the brunette took a pause, a long breathy sigh tumbling from his lips. “Promise you won’t tell nobody. ‘Round here, I’d be–”

    “You don’t expect him to tell?”

    Blue eyes were as shiny as glass and the youth didn’t know what he’d done, what to do to fix it.

    “Justin, I–”

    “Don’t treat me like a child. I know what I saw–”

    “Fuck it, alright kid?” He lifted his hand and hesitantly, Justin noticed the fingers suspended above his lips, touched the blonde’s cheek, thumb smoothing over his ear. “Fuck it, you hear me?”

    But he couldn’t, and the other would have known that if he had just turned around, seen the stars in his eyes, felt that shivers on his lips. He would have known if he had just stayed.

Chapter 1

4 years later

     Justin brought the filter to his lips smoothly, lashes sweeping against his cheek as he hollowed out his mouth, cobalt blue following a man passing by.

     He brought the jack down, letting the smoke slip from his mouth naturally, smirking to a friend who rolled his eyes. Deciding he was gonna leave soon he blew out the rest and took another quick drag, nudging his friend. A boy turned to him just in time to see the smoke flow from his mouth right up through his nose. He grinned as he stopped and sighed a big billow of smolder.

     “You leavin’?” the boy asked and he nodded, looking at his cigarette, shrugging as he dropped it to the floor.

     “I’m ghost,” he grumbled, clearing his voice of the taste of ash and smoke, retching slightly at the tang.

     The walk from the corner to his street wasn’t far but it was enough that late at night, he really wished he had a car. Or a license... whichever came first.

     “I’m in the mood,” he sang, looking up at a bright neon liquor store banner, Dos Equis bright and tempting. He dug around in his pocket but coming up with nothing but a palm full of lint he shrugged and continued on, humming. “ Get ready.”

     15 minutes later he was climbing up onto the porch ledge, cursing as his shin connected with an outstretched column. He hoisted himself up and light feet made their way across the shingles, eyes darting from one window to the next, then to the last before opening it softly. He lifted the screen gently, knowing it was loud before pushing the pane up and slipping in.

     He had a foot on his computer desk, knocking over a pencil sharperner as he slithered inside, his back scraping against the perimeter of the square.

     He jumped off the desk before turning to close the window. Running a hand through the shorn curls he padded to his dresser, sniffing his hoodie. It was saturated with smoke and sweat; he grimaced against the smell.

     Right as he lifted the sweatshirt off, not even before it was over his head did the door open, his step-father standing there with a snort. Fuck, he thought as he continued stretching out of the garment.

     “Do you know what time it is?”

     Fuck off, he thought picking out a t-shirt he had gotten at the Up In Smoke concert. Great night, he smiled.

     “You’re gonna answer me young m–“

     ”I don’t know. Now leave me alone, I’m tired,” he snapped, starting on his jeans. The elder stood there, and out of the corner of his eye all he could see was the shadow the hallway light projected onto the other.

     “You may not like me–“

     ”Aren’t you smart.”

     Brown eyes flashed. “Young man, you don’t talk to me like that! You respect me, ya hear?”

     He turned to the other man and smirked, shaking his head before starting to his bed. And it wasn’t but seconds before the older man was behind him with a hand firm on his arm, twisting him around before reaching for the young man’s collar.

     “You hear me?” the man gritted out and he swallowed, sucking on his teeth loudly.

     “Yes,” he grumbled. Satisfied, his step-father let go with a push, eyes burning as he left the way he came.

     He let out a breath as he fell to his bed, the mattress pliant beneath him, his pillow molding to his head.

     There was a knock at his door but the dark hid who it was.

     “That you making all that noise?”

     His mom.

     “No. Your asshole of a husband,” was the easy answer and the weathered woman in the doorway sighed and slid her hand off the wood.

     “Look–“

     ”I’m tired. Let me sleep... please,” he added at the last moment.

     The woman nodded and turned around, but not before whispering, “Goodnight, Justin.”

     “Justin! Justin!”

     Shit, he thought, stretching in his bed, slinking further down the bed. There was still banging at his door but now it was muffled and Justin ignored it easily.

     “Ms. Lynn!”

     “Fuck,” he groaned and clamped his eyes shut, trying to even out his breath when he heard the door swing open, feet hard as they padded over his carpet and it was only a matter of seconds when he felt those fingers poking and prodding.

     “Justin...”

     Ah, right on time. “Jon, what do you want?” he mumbled, the young boy sniffling as he started to poke again. “And if you poke me one more time I’ll bite your fucking finger off.” Justin pushed down the cover and showed his narrowed eyes as proof. The boy just stared wide eyed. “What?” he snapped and the boy ran, screaming, “Justin said fucking again!!”

     “Jesus Christ,” he mumbled as he rolled over, slinging an arm to shield the bit of light from the closed blinds.

     “Justin, I thought I told you–“

     ”I’m sorry, alright?” he said quickly, taking his arm down just enough to give his mom a look, one she rolled her eyes at.

     “Your brother is staying for the weekend, the least you can do is be nice. He’s been dying to see you. I doubt he would even be here if it weren’t for you–“

     ”Of course, he’s not your kid, why the fuck would you want him?” the young man retorted and the blonde woman let her mouth shut with a smack.

     She stomped over, just as loud as the young boy did seconds ago and slapped the lump, not caring if it was a leg or a stomach. “You listen, alright? We have rules in this house. You respect those rules. Like coming home at a decent time! And being nice! And if you can’t at least do that, you at least respect your mother, me. And stop the cursing. You sound like you have no vocabulary at all! Unless you want to count fuck as a appropriate word! Which I hardly think it is.” She brought a hand up to her forehead. “Lord, Justin, what has gotten into you?”

     The blonde stared quiet, not even able to sneak his mother a glance.

     “Well snap out of it. It’s almost two. You missed breakfast and lunch, but if you want something... I’ll make you a sandwich.”

     Justin opened an eye. “Peanut butter and jelly?”

     His mother sighed, looking to the hopeful smile, the one she knew she’d only see once today. “OK,” she whispered with a ghost of a grin, closing the door on her way out.

     Justin leaned back and moaned, looking at the clock before reaching for the phone. Squinting he pressed the familiar numbers, holding the phone to his ear as he stretched, popping bones.

     “What?”

     Justin chuckled, practically seeing Trace’s frown and settled on his back again. “Hey bitch ass. What are you doing?”

     “Jule’s over.”

     Justin smirked to himself. “Shit, didn’t mean to interrupt. Look, what are we getting into today?”

     “I don’t know. There’s a party tonight, over at Troy’s. We might hit that. Why?”

     Justin shrugged into the mattress, realizing he had a sandwich calling his name. “Just wonderin’. Who’s gonna be there? I don’t wanna hang out with Troy. He’s crazy, he likes fucking guns too much. He might blow my nuts off,” he chuckled and slipped out of the bed, scracthing his thigh before conintuing to his dresser. Picking up his jeans he slipped them on, yawning.

     “You just wake up?” Trace asked before there was muffling on the receiver, then the young man was back on. “Sorry man, gotta jet. I’ll come by and get you, be ready whenever, alright?”

     “A’right, see ya.”

     “Peace!”

     Justin put the phone back on the bed, walking out of the room and to the kitchen where Jonathon and his other step brother, Jordan were playing with forks. Lynn was making sandwiches for all while Paul was sitting at the table, on the phone. He hissed at the boys when Jonathon yelped.

     “Mama, they’re playing with forks. They’re gonna poke each other’s eyes out,” Justin said and snatched the fork out of Jon’s hand, pushing the little boy away when he reached for it.

     “Justin, let them play. They’re careful, right boys?”

     There was a unanimous yes and Justin dropped the fork to the floor, continuing on his way to swipe up a sandwich. He started off with a bite when his mother stopped him.

     “A simple thanks isn’t that hard.”

     Justin looked at her and rolled his eyes, still mumbling the thanks louds enough for her to hear.

     “You’re welcome,” was the last thing Justin heard as he stepped out on his porch, Tennessee spring beautiful.

     He leaned against the rail, sighing when he heard the distinct sound of his brother’s peircing wail.

     He wanted a smoke but after looking back at Paul through the glass sliding doors decided better against it.

     The door opened and Jordan came out, brown eyes big as he looked up at Justin. The blonde noticed the bandaid over chubby forearm. “Did Jon hurt you?” he asked, crouching down slightly and the little boy nodded, his lower lip starting to slip. Justin smiled and brought the arm to his lips, kissing the plastic. “I told you not to play with forks.”

     Jordan scowled. “Mama said we could.”

     “Mama doesn’t know. Now go–“

     ”Justin?!”

     Justin turned and looked over the porch rail, over the fence to see him, his mouth dropping open with a crack of his jaw.

     “Well, I’ll be...” he whispered to himself.

     Josh, from next door. The older man was wearing a smile and Justin nodded to him before shooing away his younger brother.

     He walked down the stairs lazily, his parted lips now curving into an even lazier grin, his feet bare as he walked over the dry soil to the fence.

     “‘Sup? Shit, you bounced out of here quick,” he whistled as he leaned against the rail, the brunette shrugging as he took a sip of his beer. He offered and Justin looked at it for a second before shaking his head. He didn’t share anything with anyone.

     And Justin wasn’t quite sure he was so calm, seeing as how the man had disappeared too quickly, leaving him in the wake.

     “Georgia called, man. Just got back from school. Done with junior year, and then next year’ll be my last... finally,” he said and looked at Justin’s mother through the window, waving softly. “What’s goin’ on with you?”

     Justin shrugged, tearing his eyes away. “Nothin’ either. Troy’s having a party tonight, you think you goin’?” Troy, being the same Troy he was 5 years back, Josh laughed with his no. At Josh’s decline Justin nodded. “Yeah, I don’t know if I wanna go or not... But if theres nothing else to do...” He stopped and looked at Josh, blue eyes glinting.

     Josh was a 21 year old who looked more of 19 and had lived behind him for the past 10 years. And Justin had known him for those ten years, just hadn’t known him. But the whole time, Justin couldn’t get past the way Josh... was. It had been a little idol worshiping when Justin was 10 and Josh was about 14, Josh always so friendly. It didn’t matter that Justin was a squirt that did things just to fit in, he was still ‘alright’ in Josh’s eyes. And no one but himself would know that he had held on to that to this day.

     Then... it happened. It was a small town, Millington. Nice, but small none the less. And word spreads and words change and suddenly, Justin was watching a fucking soap opera right in front of him. Only a few people knew what really happened, he being one of the few there. No one would know that he held on to that, also.

     When Josh had disappeared, later finding out that it was college Justin’s mother had told him, Justin was scared before relieved. And that soon turned into lonliness, his friends mere asses compared to Josh’s older crowd but as all things, that faded into indifference.

     And now...

     “How long you stayin’ for?” Justin asked, squinting into the mid day sun, Josh giving a smile just as bright.

     “Summer, you can’t get rid of me quick, kid.”

     Justin sighed and was about to say something when Josh laughed to himself and downed his drink. “I shoulda been here. You turned into a hard ass while I was gone. What a pity, too,” Josh said and winked as he walked away, Justin watching the obvious switch the brunette had until he was in his house before turning to his own.

     Troy’s was a blower so here they all were, out on the corner again. Justin lit up his cig and waited for the others to do the same.

     “Shit,” a boy, Wiley, cursed. Justin raised his eyes as he took a drag. “I ain’t got my jacks tonight.” Expectant looks were thrown to Justin who smiled and blew out.

     “This is my last one.”

     Wiley cursed again. “At least let me get a hit, I’ve been feenin’ man.”

     Justin scoffed and took another breath. “I don’t know where your mouth has been. Ask Trace.”

     “Can I–”

     “No, he meant to ask me if he ever shares. And no, he doesn’t. Not even with me. And we’re almost fucking family,” Trace replied easily as Justin felt around in his pocket, pulling out his wallet, thumbing through some bills. Wiley flipped them all off and wen t to sit on the curb.

     “Guess who’s back in town,” Justin coughed, tapping his cigarette. He looked down and smelled his shirt, smelling of soiled ash and threw down his cigarette. Wiley came up and grumbled a curse to Justin before picking it up and sticking it in his mouth, defiancy bright in his eyes. “Be a dirty ass motherfucker, I don’t give a shit, boy.”

     Trace turned his attention to Justin again. “Who’d you see?”

     “I saw Josh, you know my backyard neighbor. He came back from school.”

     The brown haired boy nodded then leaned close, lips hovering, “I heard some shit, man.” And that was the end of it because Trace knew not to go there with him.

     “Yo, J, weren’t you there?”

     “I wasn’t,” was the stone response. They all watched in curiosity.

     “I heard he got himself in jail for a while, that he’s out on parole now,” a boy mumbled around the snuff in his mouth.

     “I heard he was gay, dude.”

     Justin pulled back and rolled his eyes, lips curled in a snarl. “Who the fuck cares.”

“I heard he was caught with Mr. Jones’ son, ya know the Senator’s son? And got into it with Mr Jones’ himself. Thats why he skipped out,” Trace said stubbing out his cigarette.

     “I heard people should mind they own god damned business, jesus,” Justin gritted out and gave Trace an icy look, hoping the ass beating he was envisioning was conveying through the eye contact. The brunette just sighed and looked away.

     Wiley kept talking, about it being a small town, and people hearing stuff they shouldn’t.

     “Josh is perty tight, though. He hooked me up with a car once,” Lorenzo, a boy Justin couldn’t particularly stand, spoke up, lighting up a blunt and Justin sighed. “Even if he is a fag, don’t mean nothing.”

     “Fucking,” Justin cursed standing up, tired. He turned to Trace, nodding. “See ya.”

     “Bye J,” Trace called out and Justin continued walking, shaking his head. He hated his friends sometimes, even Trace who was almost fucking blood to him. Josh was put out there and it wasn’t fair, didn’t seem fair.

     And there went his temper. He couldn’t help it. He tried to calm down, because kirking out sure didn’t help anything but he couldn’t understand it and refused to accept it. Disrespect irked him so much, he couldn’t even carry around his pocket knife, anymore.

     An incident with the police made him realize that.

     Still, he thought as he cut his eyes to the distant corner, Lorenzo and anyone else who thought they could had it coming if they thought they could disrespect him.

     Suddenly there were footsteps behind him; then laughter and Justin turned casually, walking backwards and there was Josh, his older crew, coming out of Papi’s, Josh with a bag. Justin turned around quick, sure as to not be caught–-

     “Ey, J!”

     Too late, Justin smiled and turned around, nodding in return. Josh grinned as he ran up to the youth, waving away his friends, ignoring their protests of choosing the youngin’ over them.

     “Fuck them,” he breathed, cerulean eyes pinning and Justin nodded, slightly raptured. He had always admired Josh’s eyes. They were such silver blue, it was cool and unique and... He lowered his head, fingernails raking over his scalp, the feeling of being 10 again washing over him in waves until his face was a perty pink. He laughed to himself.

     “What up? You didn’t have to leave ya boys–”

     “They were planning on getting drunk. I don’t do that no more. Wanna hear something fucked up?” he offered as they turned onto Justin’s street Josh looking at him as he walked, feet sometimes sideways and Justin flushed, nodding like the little girl he was.

     “One time, I went to a club and I was already so fucking twisted and this dude gave me a drink, and I mean–,” he stopped and there was this heaviness that Justin tried to step around, Josh taking a breath and leaping too. “A drinks a drink, ya know?” he started again easily. “Anyways so I took it and immediately I was like, numb. No lie, I was like frozen and suddenly everything went black. I found out from my friends...” He trailed off, a soft hand on the sensitive part of Justin’s back, fingertips pressing into him where he didn’t think there were nerves. Josh’s fingertips produced an electricity that made Justin hitch. “Over here,” Josh reminded and Justin blinked, his house big and dark in front of him.

     “You walked me home.” Justin gave a smile and Josh grinned, hand slipping off slowly. Justin wondered if it was intentional.

     “I am a gentleman, after all.”

     Justin closed his eyes and turned back to his house. “But, I can’t go in there.”

     Josh rose an eyebrow. “Why not?”

     Justin shook his head, pinching Josh’s shirt and bringing him along. Josh looked down and Justin just shrugged.

     “Where are we going?” he asked in a whisper, ducking to miss a branch through the brush beside Justin’s house. Justin put a hand to his lips and continued to pull, hand getting braver as he had a fist full of Josh’s sleeve.

     “Your house,” he said softly, when he stopped to look at the back of his house. “You mind?” he asked, finally looking to Josh.

     A slow easy, smooth as honey smile slipped over Josh’s lips. “Of course not.”

     Justin blushed and ducked his head before he let go of Josh, hopping over the fence easily. Josh grunted and frowned, Justin shaking his head with an upturned lip. “Its only like, four feet, Josh.”

     “I’m gonna split my pants or some shit...” he whined and Justin shook his head, laughing alittle too loudly when the brunette groaned, belly flat against the slim wire fence.

     “Josh just–“

     ”Shut up, I can do this...”

     The brunette bit on his tongue, wire V’s scratching his stomach as he flew across, Justin’s hand not enough to save him as he fell those four feet to the ground, his mother’s Butterfly Bush smothered.

     “Fuck.”

     Justin sighed and picked Josh’s hand up, chuckling when the brunette whined.

     “You’re such a fucking girl. Stand up like a man and brush yo’ self off.” He demonstrated and Josh couldn’t help the laugh in reply.

     “You’re funny, kid.”

     Justin stared for a second as Josh walked into his backyard, up the porch steps. He continued quickly, snapped out of whatever daze he had been in. His feet were silent from practice and routine, the screen door not screeching one bit and Josh was impressed.

     “You are a little bad ass now. Heard it from my mom, you know old women gossip,” he whispered as he reached out for Justin to follow him, his fingertips grazing Justin’s cheek rather than the intended shoulder. “Shit, sorry,” he mumbled and Justin was paralyzed for a second, a moment in time replaying loud and clear but he shook his head as he blinked in the darkness.

     “Which bedroom is yours?”

    Josh turned around and thought before just grabbing Justin’s arm, his fingers not able to fit around the bicep.

     Justin followed obediently until a small lamp was turned on, the dim shadows of their faces clearing up by the second. Justin allowed himself to be slightly thrilled. He had never seen Josh’s room before.

     “That’s my bed, thats my closet, thats my dresser and if you take any of my shit, I’ll beat you up.” Josh’s teeth revealed and Justin nodded, taking a step closer, his nose coming to JC’s. “Well, maybe not me but... ya know.”

     Justin laughed and sat down on the bed, the cushion molding to his every move. “Fucking nice,” he moaned and laid down.

     “Ain’t it great? Couldn’t live with out it, man. Guess where I got it from?” Josh asked as he too took a seat, thigh next to Justin’s.

     The blonde looked up, smiling for no apparent reason other than he was hanging out with Josh like they were old friends. Justin supposed they were, and he liked it.

     “Garage sale. 29 bucks. How can you say no to that?” he asked then got up again. He was fiddling with the CD player when Justin opened his eyes again.

     “What are you puttin’ in?”

     Josh turned around and if the light was a bit brighter, Justin was sure he could see a blush. “Mya. She’s the shit, I’m tellin’ ya–”

     “Mya? Who listens to Mya?”

     Josh turned around quick and put a hand to his hip, mouth agape. “Everyone listens to Mya!” Then, so quick Justin hardly caught it, Josh looked down, noticed the hand hip thing and removed it, rolling his eyes. “She’s hot.”

     Justin rose an eyebrow but couldn’t conceal the smile. “I’m sure she is,” he drawled.

     Josh looked up slowly, saw the smile but didn’t recognize the tone. “Shut up, kid,” he mumbled as he pressed play.

     Justin turned on his side, simply watching. The silence was nice and Josh breezed around his room, his carpeting nearly mute as he swept across the floor.

     “I’ve grown up, ya know,” he interjected the silence, despising the name kid, hating how Josh still saw him as that.

     The brunette turned crystal eyes to the blonde and nodded. A sweeping glance and a smile played upon his lips in the dim lamp light. “I’ve noticed,” he replied and turned to his CD player, running a hand through his hair, rediscovering how true it really was.

TBC...

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