There was a knock at the back door, Josh jogging from the living room to answer it, his family still engrossed in the Law and Order marathon.

He stopped upon entering the kitchen, Justin's broad back to the glass door and Josh wavered between sprinting back to his room or going to the blonde just as quick, kissing him breathless, apologizing for that past two weeks. He unlocked the sliding door, easing it back as he stepped outside, slipping it closed. And for the first time in weeks, three days before he was to go back to Georgia, he saw Justin's recovering face, the scar beneath his one eye, his lips still plumper than normal. And shit, this was scary.

"Hey," the blonde rasped, clearing his throat as he looked to the deck.

"God, hey."

The silence was very silent as everything seemed to get louder around them, the tension becoming its own voice in the nature surrounding them.

"How's... everything going?" Josh asked, sliding his hands into his back pockets. They were already sweating and he didn't want to start fidgeting.

Justin squinted slightly, his right eye still darkened some. "Good. We're still at Trace's. We uh, don't know what's gonna happen yet. So we'll see."

"Yeah."

The brunette rocked on the balls of his feet, taking a deep breath.

"Can I just ask you a question?" Justin asked softly and Josh couldn't deny him the attention he longed to give. This was hell for him, too. He nodded, bringing his eyes to Justin's.

"Why'd you... Why'd you leave me?" He swallowed, a tongue tender and hesitant swiping over his lips. "I mean, what... What did I do? Were you scared? I thought– Nah, fuck what I thought." He lowered his head. "I guess, just why?"

"I can't handle it." Simply said, Josh looked off, guilt searing his insides. God, he was an asshole all around, not much better as Keith was to him just four years ago. "God, I got so scared. I mean, I was the one leaving this time. And I couldn't leave attached. So I just... distanced myself."

The transformation was ghastly before his eyes, Justin trying to shake off the tremble of his lips, pursing them before taking a deep breath.

"I knew you were gonna say that. God, you fucking pussy, I knew you would say that! After all– I mean, after all the shit we talked about, I just... What... Shit, I love you and your goodbye is avoiding me?"

Josh swallowed his own tears, leaning back against the glass. "Take it for what it is, but I'm sorry. I swear... I swear, I would have done it differently if I could rewind. But it's too late–"

"And you're leaving so I guess I'm shit out of luck." Justin took a deep breath and looked to the floor, looking up when the question was raised. "So is this what it felt like?"

Josh's brow furrowed and he shook his head softly. "What?"

"When Keith left you the first time. When you didn't know what the hell you did," he spoke quietly but his words hurt Josh deep. And when he sniffled against the glass tears he disliked Justin. Because he was right and he was the worst person in the world.

"You don't get that I'm so fucking sorry!" Josh choked out, wiping a quick hand over his eyes. "How would you feel? Justin, do you know how much shit was just handed to me when I went to your house that night? Fuck, even when you came to my room that night, after your dad hurt you. I'm not fucking grown up, I didn't know what to do and I don't know what to do now. Us being together was nothing but oblivious bliss for those couple of weeks. But when it was out, when reality set in what the hell did it turn into? That was fucking hell, and excuse me for being selfish but I can't handle it. I just can't..."

Then Justin hiccuped into a silent cry, his tears rolling so fast Josh didn't know what happened. "Wh-what happens to me then?"

Josh didn't know, didn't know if he'd ever find out.

"Say goodbye and move on."

Justin swallowed and brought a hand to his face, fingers light as they smeared his tears. "At least you're being honest."

I'm not, but ok. Josh closed his eyes. "I love you, I know, I know," he said hurriedly. "It doesn't seem like it, but it feels like it. And I need you to understand that. That I'm not–"

"Man enough to be with me?"

Josh simply nodded.

"I don't see how questioning you more is going to help, you're stuck on the same answers so." He stopped, sniffled and nodded his head. "Then I'm moving on. And... this is goodbye."

Josh grimaced as his tears pushed against him once more, not being able to wipe a tear away fast enough.

Justin just opened his arms, Josh slipping into the embrace as they stood outside, silently hoping this goodbye lasted forever.

TBC...

Power Of Love Home     Part Fifteen