Weird But True
Private Eye Web Site

In the paper "Private Eye" in the UK they have a section called Colemanballs. It has all the cock-ups that TV/radio announcers make and is named after a sports commentator named David Coleman – the master himself.

http://www.private-eye.co.uk/

20-October-2000

When the American athletes were interviewed they were so sharp, so articulate -- they were kind of wow..."
AINSLEY HARRIOTT, C4 (Robert Bathurst)

"I have a definite sense of spirituality. I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
DAVID BECKHAM, OK Magazine (Gareth Price)

"The first half was end-to-end stuff. In contrast, in this second half it's been one end to the other."
LOU MACARI, TalkSport (David Petrie)

"He hasn't been the normal Paul Scholes today, and he's not the only one."
ALVIN MARTIN, TalkSport (Glyn Berrington)

"The rainfall has been up to six inches that I've heard of, which is unheard of."
ARCHIE ROBERTSON, BBC News (Mark McGlinchey)

11-August-2000

"Well, we wrote this song – but it didn't have any words or a melody."
ROBBIE WILLIAMS, SMTV Live (Laura Gill)

"The amputees' championship is coming off soon..."
PETER ALLIS, BBC1 (Frank Naylor)

"Sniffer dogs are scouring Victoria station with a fine-tooth comb."
ANTHONY BURLEIGH, ITV Radio News (Frank Finch)

"So you've nailed your mast to Gazza..."
Reporter, Radio 5 (D Scholey)

"Michael Johnson is the greatest athlete since sliced bread."
CYRIL REGIS, Radio 5 Live (Paul Palmer)

7-July-2000

"The tide is very much in our court now."
KEVIN KEEGAN (Paul McAuley)

"There's a little triangle -- five left-footed players."
RON ATKINSON, ITV (Paul Harrop)

"We have spent three matches chasing a football."
KEVIN KEEGAN, Soccernet (Pedro Wrobel)

"Two-nil was a dangerous lead to have..."
PETER BEARDSLEY, ITV (John Richards)

"As the seconds tick down, Belgium are literally playing in time that doesn't exist."
Commentator, ITV (Bernard Hughes)

"A smoked salmon sandwich of a football match if ever there has been one."
PETER DRURY, ITV (Mark Herron)

"There's a slight doubt about only one player, and that's Tony Adams, who definitely won't be playing tomorrow."
KEVIN KEEGAN (Brian Jones)

2 June 2000

John Leslie: What country is famous for tulips?
Contestant: Holland.
John Leslie: Well, we'll give it to you... it's Amsterdam.
ITV (Unknown)

"Louis Figo is totally different to David Beckham, and vice versa."
KEVIN KEEGAN, ITV (Dan Nethercott)

"There were 150 drug-related deaths in Glasgow last year, an all-time high."
EMMA SIMPSON, BBC1 (G.A. Davis)

"Hopefully, next season we will achieve a situation where we are playing with level goalposts."
CHRIS ROBERTSON, Radio Scotland (Morton Fraser)

"We have run a marathon and fallen just short so we need to boost the squad to get us over that final hurdle."
JOHN RUDGE, Evening Sentinel (Stephen Kennedy)

5 May 2000

DJ: Who wrote Hamlet?
Female Caller: Er, Macbeth.
Capital Gold (Michael White)

"Barnsley have started off the way they mean to begin."
CHRIS KAMARA, Radio 5 Live (Adrian Kelley)

"...from that moment the pendulum went into reverse."
GERALD SINDSTAT, BBC1 (Dick Gill)

"He says he'll walk away from the game when his legs go."
Football Commentator (Mr G. Stansfield)

"I don't want to be either partial or impartial."
FRANK McLINTOCK, Sky Sports (Vince McNeany)

24 March 2000

Richard Madeley: What is the capital of Austria?
Contestant: Switzerland.
ITV (Peter Hillman)

"The film [the Beach] tells the story of a young back-bencher's search for an island paradise."
JOHN HUMPHRYS, Radio 4 (Kath Egdell)

"You're not just getting international football, you're getting world football."
KEVIN KEEGAN, ITV (Ian Cade)

"The team [Peterborough United] must try to get their ship back on the road."
RAY WILKINS, Sky Sport (Toby Wood)

"Do we know what sex the cow is?"
JULIAN WORRICKER, Radio 5 Live (Peter Barrett)

25 February 2000

"And at 7.10 we'll be meeting the WPC fingered by her own police force."
FIONA PHILLIPS, GMTV (Darren Bramley)

"Geri twice told the Spices she was leaving. The first time they didn't believe her, and the second time they reacted with disbelief."
Newsbeat, Radio 1 (Daniel Stanton)

"Promotion is the carrot at the end of the tunnel that St Mirren want to be aiming for."
MARK YARDLEY, BBC Radio Scotland (Andrew Holmes)

"Decommissioning is the perpetual rock upon which we have come adrift."
PETER MANDELSON, Radio 4 (Rob Hatley)

W.G. Stewart: Which Verdi opera depicts the war between Egypt and Ethiopia?
Contestant: Miss Saigon.
Channel 4 (Illegible)

10 December 1999

"I was alone up front, with Danny Murphy playing between me, myself and the midfield."
MICHAEL OWEN, BBC1 (Thomas Bubendorfer)

"All the cul-de-sacs are closed for Scotland..."
JOE JORDAN, ITV (Rustam Al-Shahi)

"The offer represents a 20% increase on Vodafone's initial bid, but Vodafone may still be facing rejection as hostile takeovers are practically unknown in Germany."
Radio 4 (John Thornton)

"Dean Headley has left the field with a back injury... more news on that as soon as it breaks."
PAT MURPHY, Radio 5 (M. Todd)

Antiques Roadshow Expert: This bronze of a rider on a horse is stamped 'Made in Germany' -- where did you get it?
Glaswegian Owner: It came from Torkee.
Expert: Oh, Germany has many connections with Turkey.
Owner: It was bought in Torquay.
BBC1 (Jack W. Buss)

26 November 1999

"The best thing for them to do [Ireland] is to stay at nil-nil until they score the goal."
MARTIN O'NEILL (K.M. Aldridge)

"Paul Scholes -- the most complete mental player I've ever seen."
BEN THORNLEY, Radio 5 (Gordon Jones)

"...the ball went over mine and Colin Calderwood's heads and who should be there at the far post but yours truly -- Alan Shearer."
COLIN HENDRY, Radio 5 Live (Ian Evans)

"Mick McCarthy will have to replace Cascarino because he's quickly running out of legs."
MARK LAWRENSON, BBC2 (Tony Kinsella)

"Some people ran the gauntlet of gay rights protesters, but Portillo went in the back way."
SIMON HARRIS, ITV (Anon.)

12 November 1999

Murray Walker: Incidentally, the news is that Ferrari have actually stopped development on their new car.
Martin Brundle: How do you know that, Murray?
Murray Walker: I was there when I said it.
ITV (Angus Silvie)

"When Celtic get an opportunity to go above Rangers they've got to jump at it with both hands."
ALAN MULLERY, Sky News (Bob Hargreaves)

"You half fancied that to go in as it was rising and dipping at the same time."
RON ATKINSON, ITV (Colum McAndrew)

"Nearly one person in four in the Dumfries and Galloway region suffers from some form of mental health."
KIRSTY TOYNBEE, Radio Scotland (Simon Sholl)

August 1999

Host: Which fruit has varieties called Mandarin and Seville?
Contestant: Er... spinach.
BBC1 - (Ben Finn)

"For the first time in fifty years bus passenger numbers have risen to their highest level ever."
JOHN PRESCOTT, Radio 4 - (Alun Morris)

"He just got his body between himself and the goal."
RAY CLEMENCE, Channel 5 - (Jon Gerrard)

"...of course, Bizet never knew that Carmen was a great success until after his death..."
MICHAEL BARCLAY, Radio 4 - (Jane Marshall)

"Ralf Schumacher speaking in German for our English listeners..."
ELEANOR OLDROYD, Radio 5 Live - (Keith Lievesley)

 

How to send submissions

Please e-mail entries (with name and address) to balls@private-eye.co.uk. All submissions are considered for inclusion in Private Eye's Colemanballs column. (£10 paid for each item printed in the mag.)

 

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