"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
(Gerry Brown)

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
(George Bush, US President)

"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them."
(George Bush, US President)

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."
(Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst)

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
(Lee Iacocca)

"Please provide the date of your death."
(from an IRS letter)

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
(Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony)

"We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."
(Parish Magazine)

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
(Bill Peterson, football coach)

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
(Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant)

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
(Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister)

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
(Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst)

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
(Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel)

"I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents."
(George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign)

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
(Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor)

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
(Keppel Enderbery)

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
(Samual Goldwyn)

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
(Jason Kidd)

"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."
(Rear Admiral James R. Hogg)

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
(Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina)

"We apologise for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
(Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper)

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
(Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman)

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
(Mariah Carey)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
(Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest)

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
(Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22)

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
(David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes)

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
(Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign)

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
(Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward)

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
(Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.)

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1,1976.
(Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid)

Rotarians, be patriotic, Learn to shoot yourself.
(Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator")

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
(Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia)

I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.
(Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries)

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
(Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island)

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
(Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series)

"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."
(Jimmy Hill - BBC)

"Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names."
(Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3)