These are bona fide bloopers from various denominational church bulletins and orders of service:
- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.
- The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
- The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
- During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
- Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
- Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice.
- Offertory: "Jesus Paid it All."
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
- Today's Sermon: "How Much Can A Man Drink?" with hymns from a full choir.
- Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: the Rev. Horace Blodgett. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding."
- Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
- Thursday night--potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
- Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
- Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
- Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
- The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
- Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
- The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
- Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
- Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. – OR – The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
- Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
- Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
from Anguished English, by Richard Lederer
