Trudy McDaniel sent in the instructions for putting together an Ikea desk, which state: "It is advisory to be two people during assembly."

Doug Gordon sent in the instructions for a set of Tama brand drums, containing this warning: "Stay away from the drum set if an earthquake occurs."

Dave Zarrow reports that he saw a sign making this appealing offer: "I Lost 40 Lbs. In Two Months! Call For Free Samples!"

Joe Bays sent in a glossy color brochure for the American Standard "Cadet II" model commode, featuring the slogan: "Get more out of your toilet."

Sandra Bowers sent in a story from The Akron Beacon-Journal headlined "Police find man dead to death in motel."

Paul Morrill sent in a story from The Santa Cruz County Sentinel, concerning a man who was arrested when he attacked some sea lions "because they constantly defected on his boat."

Jeanne Reed sent in a bulletin from Weatherby Health Care, a physician-placement firm, with this headline: "Born and Raised in the Midwest, This Very Talented Surgeon is Looking for his Nitch Back Home."

"A short-throw six-speed Borg-Warner transmission means classic Pontiac excitement and the fun of a well-timed shit." - Idaho Morning Tribune, March 12th, 1997

"hand signed by Mickey Mantle before his death." - Heartland America catalogue advertising baseballs

"We believe if you have too much to drink at a holiday part, insist on driving yourself home." - editorial of Herald-Dispatch, Huntington West Virginia, December 6^th 1997

"It send a message to gas companies in Wyoming that gas companies better operate safely because people are not going to tolerate being blown up." - AP story

"Since his suspension, Dolph, has continued working as manager in the university's lab for cadavers. In that position, he deals with mainly faculty members, Jacobs said." - San Jose Mercury-News about a Stanford University instructor, August 11^th 1996

"12:38pm July 20 -- report that a man near the Crystal Lake boat ramp was threatening to kill the next person he saw wearing a kilt." - police log from Corvallis (Oregon) Gazette Times, July 24^th 1997

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