Nick Underwood (Teletubbies Marketing) who uttered these fateful words to The Daily Express:

'In life, there are all colours and the Teletubbies are a reflection of that... There are no nationalities in the Teletubbies - they are techno-babies, but they are supposed to reflect life in that sense.'

Ruairi Quinn, former Agricultural Minister in the Irish Government is a worthy runner-up in this category. Captured on BBC2's documentary, 'The Presidency', he said that during Ireland's Presidency his job was to arrange:

'cosmopolitan homogeneous compromises'

Department of Trade and Industry officials could drive Mary Poppins potty with their changes to the safety regulations on prams.

'a wheeled vehicle designed for the transport in a seated or semi-recumbent position of one or two babies or infants who are placed inside a body of boat- or box-like shape, but does not include any carry-cot or transporter therefor;'

Wareham Associates have come up with a solution to everyone's problems with a one day intensive seminar which will not only show us how to

'Develop and lead a superior, synergistic enterprise to the new millennium'

but will also introduce us to

'Elevation: the art, science and strategy of the radical profit leap'

and

''Shoddipush': the deadly syndrome that white-ants most businesses.'

Oxford City Council's environmental health officers had to dig deep to come up with this definition of a tree!

'... examine the feasibility of creating a structure in Hinksey park from indigenous vegetation to provide a sun shade at the East end'.

A local council in Nottinghamshire is probably going to receive their council tax late from the Ministry of Defence because of invasion.

'In accordance with Reference A, which was similarly promulgated by the Scottish and Welsh Offices.... This letter also provided you with a summary, by Parish or District, of both the married and single Armed Forces accommodation in your authority's area, and the occupied status, which was the basis of the calculation to determine the sum payable to your Authority.'

Who knows what position Amadeus International are advertising for. Directing Creative Player of Time Travel Studies on Earth at the University of Mars perhaps?

'The possibilities an organisation can envisage are bounded by the belief and values of its Leaders. Even when the potential of technology and strategy can be seen, there is a time-gap before the culture allows for its realisation....Can you help others to clarify their own map of the world? Can you hold a strength of values and beliefs and safely see your clients through transformation - both personal and organisational?...The Company does not have employees but creative players who wish to contribute leading transformational processes in a consultant role.'

Only a solicitor could have used so many passive verbs in this contract from United Kingdom Warehousing Association.

'The Customer may require an increase in the per tonne limit under (a) by notice in writing to be received by the Company at least 7 days before the date ('the Date') on which the increased Limit is required to be operative.'

North East Lincolnshire Council indulge in abbreviations in one of many reports.

'The BCA assessed for the 1998/99 financial year is that required to match fund the approved SRB 2 and 3 schemes for the HRA and match fund the Private Sector Renewal Support Group (PSRSG) and Disabled Facilities Grant (DFG) for private sector housing. A reduction in BCA granted to Housing will endanger future levels of HIP allocations.'

Did Oxford University Press publish 'The Oxford Companion to the Mind' as a ploy to drive us all insane?

'In the nervous system is one of the fastest growing areas in Neurobiology today. Novel peptides from the brain with actions related to functions such as pain, apalgesia, sleep etc are being discovered at an increasing rate.'

The Office of Passenger Rail Franchising offered this explanation as to why trains are overcrowded. Unfortunately, their language appears to be just as overcrowded as the trains they regulate.

'As you may know, Central Trains is currently in the latter stages of the franchising process. Franchise Agreements place an obligation on operators to use reasonable endeavours to avoid excessive overcrowding where other detailed provisions do not apply. Operators will be deemed to have failed to meet this obligation if excessive overcrowding results from a reduction in vehicles from a specified initial level. Franchise operators therefore have to plan their services to provide sufficient capacity to meet expected demand.'

Here are a few "befores and afters" to show you the changes we can make to complicated documents when we simplify them.

Before
High-quality learning environments are a necessary precondition for facilitation and enhancement of the ongoing learning process.

After
Children need good schools if they are to learn properly.

Before
If there are any points on which you require explanation or further particulars we shall be glad to furnish such additional details as may be required by telephone.

After
If you have any questions, please ring.

Before
It is important that you shall read the notes, advice and information detailed opposite then complete the form overleaf (all sections) prior to its immediate return to the Council by way of the envelope provided.

After
Please read the notes opposite before you fill in the form.
Then send it back to us as soon as possible in the envelope provided.

Your enquiry about the use of the entrance area at the library for the purpose of displaying posters and leaflets about Welfare and Supplementary Benefit rights, gives rise to the question of the provenance and authoritativeness of the material to be displayed. Posters and leaflets issued by the Central Office of Information, the Department of Health and Social Security and other authoritative bodies are usually displayed in libraries, but items of a disputatious or polemic kind, whilst not necessarily excluded, are considered individually.

After
Thank you for your letter asking permission to put up posters in the entrance area of the library.
Before we can give you an answer we will need to see a copy of the posters to make sure they won't offend anyone.

This ad begs the question, 'yes fine, but what would I actually do?'