Bum

Weird But True
Bum

(The article that starting Mike Boyle collecting "Weird But True")

Let's face it, toots, an awful lot of stuff has been found where that gerbil was found. The medical journals list an astonishing array: a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, an ax handle, a nine-inch zucchini, countless dildoes and vibrators including one 14-inch model complete with two D-cell batteries, a plastic spatula, a 9 1/2-inch water bottle, a deodorant bottle, a Coke bottle, a large bottle cap, numerous other bottles, a 3 1/2-inch Japanese glass float ball, an 11-inch carrot, an antenna rod, a 150-watt light bulb, a 100-watt frosted bulb, a cucumber, a screwdriver, four rubber balls, 72 1/2 jeweller's saws (all from one patient, but not all at the same time, although 29 were discovered on one occasion), a paperweight, an apple, an onion, a plastic toothbrush package, two bananas, a frozen pig's tail (it got stuck when it thawed), a ten-inch length of broomstick, an 18-inch umbrella handle and central rod, a plantain encased in a condom, two Vaseline jars, a whiskey bottle with a cord attached, a teacup, an oil can, a six-by-five-inch tool box weighing 22 ounces, a six-inch stone weighing two pounds (in the latter two cases the patients died due to intestinal obstruction), a baby powder can, a test tube, a ball-point pen, a peanut butter jar, candles, baseballs, a sand-filled bicycle inner tube, sewing needles, a flashlight, a half-filled tobacco pouch, a turnip, a pair of eyeglasses, a hard-boiled egg, a carborundum grindstone (with handle), a suitcase key, a syringe, a file tumblers and glasses, a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bench of a sink, and so on. In 1955 one man who was "feeling depressed" reportedly inserted a six-inch paper tube into his rectum, dropped in a lighted firecracker, and blew a hole in his anterior rectal wall. This changed his mood multo rapido.

Bum 2 – the excuses
(From FHM Magazine, Australia – July 1998 issue)

Accident and emergency departments are often called upon to remove items that have become inexplicably lodged in people's back passages. The normal reaction is to clench the buttocks, perhaps the urge to pass wind, or perhaps you will look at your household implements with wanton lust. Implements such as plumbing pipe, cans of deodorant and, of course, your pet hamster have all been found where the sun doesn't shine.

Here are some of the items removed and excuses rendered:-

Screwdriver: "I was just getting into the shower when I noticed the light-bulb had blown. I fell off the ladder trying to reach it and landed in my tool kit."

Oil of Ulay Bottle: "My wife keeps it on the side of the bath. I slipped and landed on the top of the bottle."

Chair leg: "I've driven 25 miles to avoid meeting anyone I know in the local hospital. There's not much point in making an excuse."

Leg of a camera tripod: "I popped into my dark room, just wearing a dressing gown. I tripped in the dark and landed on the tripod."

The entire contents of a tool box: This chap was unable to make any excuses. He died of intestinal obstruction. The objects were found during an autopsy.

Wax candles with a condom on: No excuse tendered.

The remains of two gerbils: "They were both in the cage in my bedroom. They must have escaped and climbed under the duvet."

The polythene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink: "I'd fixed the leak in the sink and sat back, unaware of what was on the floor behind me. It was the middle of the night, so I wasn't dressed".

Salami: "I'd come down to the kitchen for a midnight snack, but I hadn't bothered to turn the light on. Just as I got everything out of the fridge, I tripped and landed on the salami."

Corn on the cob: "We were getting a bit tipsy at this barbecue. I thought I'd lean against the table and ended up sitting on the corn. Oh yeah, we'd just been skinny-dipping in the pool."