When a 40-year old man turned up at a hospital asking to see a doctor specialising in men's troubles, he was shown into a cubicle, where he gingerly unwrapped three yards of foul smelling stained gauze from around his scrotum, which had swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit. On further inspection, it was discovered that his left testicle was missing completely and, embedded within the swollen, tender and weeping wound, were a number of dark objects which the patient confessed were one inch staple nails from an industrial staple gun. It transpired that the man spent his lunchtimes alone in his workshop, where he regularly enjoyed the sexual thrill of placing his penis on the moving canvas fan-belt of a piece of machinery. One day, the excitement had caused him to lose his concentration, and the fan-belt had snatched his scrotum into the fly-wheel, throwing him several feet across the floor tearing off his left nut. Rather than go to the hospital, he performed first-aid on himself with the stapling gun, then went back to work when his colleagues returned. It was two weeks before he got around to visiting the hospital.

A man turned up at a hospital wearing an overcoat, and with blood dripping down his leg. When he removed the coat, the doctor saw he had a geranium insert in his penis. The man got the flower in without any difficulty, but when he tried to remove it, the hairs on the stem of the flower had dug into the urethra and ripped it to shreds.

A policeman in Staffordshire returned home from a nightshift to find

his wife preparing breakfast. For some unknown reason, he wrapped a slice of bread around his penis, at which point the dog leapt up and took a bite out of it. The man needed cosmetic surgery to restore the damage.

As a student I took up rugby. As my first season wore on, the boys and I were eventually scheduled to play a team which had quite a reputation for violent play. Considering we weren't the most talented team to have ever taken to the field, we decided to accept the challenge and with a "do or die" attitude, hoping things would eventually swing our way. They didn't, and to make matters worse our star player, Alan, dislocated his hip after a particularly ferocious tackle. He was clearly in a lot of pain, so we all stood back to watch the doctor who, in one swift movement managed to slot the hip back into its socket. Then Alan began a long, blood curdling scream. To our horror, we soon realised that one of his testicles had also jammed in the socket, and was now firmly held in place by the hip. Incidentally, Alan managed to rip a vocal chord out with his screaming.

P.Oulet, via e-mail

Apparently, in Brazil, 3 people were flying in a plane at low altitude, when another plane approached. For a lark, they decided to "moon" the other plane. Somehow, in the execution of this manoeuvre, they lost control of the plane and crashed. They were all found dead with their pants around their ankles.

(AP) LOS ANGELES - Police officials would not release the name of a Pacoima man who was found dead yesterday after responding to complaints from neighbours that a bad smell was coming from his apartment. Upon entering the apartment, officers were surprised to see that every square inch of the apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the toilet, were covered with pornographic images cut from magazines. "The visual effect was very unsettling," said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. "Because everything looked the same, You could not tell where one wall ended and a doorway began."

The surprises did not end there, however. Police described the man as having "concocted a wire-frame around his head" upon which the man had taped various pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move about his apartment without ever losing his close-up view of nude bodies. Small slits had been cut into the paper so he could find his way, but according to Hradj, "he had almost no peripheral vision. He could barely see a thing". The man was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp "We think he had been dusting," said another police officer, "because a feather duster was lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become caught in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling." The man allegedly choked to death trying to extricate himself from his predicament. According to his apartment manager, the white male in his mid-30's never left his apartment, and had food delivered weekly. Funeral services are planned for next week. His next of kin requested that his name be withheld.

In an Inuit village, a young man was searching for a way of getting drunk for free because he had no money to buy alcohol. So he mixed gasoline with milk to get his buzz. After he drank it he became ill and vomited on the fireplace in his house which in turn ignited his vomit and burned his house down killing him and his sister.

A 27 year old woman from France lost control over her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree seriously injuring her co-driver and killing herself. Accidents like this occur quite often and usually don't qualify for a Darwin Award nomination. This accident is special because the drivers attention for the road was distracted by her Tamagotchi which hangs on the car keys and beeped for food. Wanting to save the Tamagotchi's life the French woman ignored the road and killed herself.

A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to 911. She had no details before arriving except that someone was reporting that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found this man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR if necessary she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man (who was and still is dead) the police made a closer inspection of the couch and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. After flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man would put his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between 2 ELECTRIC SANDERS (with out the sand paper obviously). According to the story, after he had his orgasm the, ahem, discharge shorted out the sander electrocuting him to death.