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My Journal
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It was kind of a bad day at work. Not that there was anything actually wrong, I was just frustrated and I haven't been able to wrap my head around what I need to get down. It's been a crazy week already with moving in on Monday and getting into the depths of things with work. It's just a lot right now. So tonight, after grabbing a little veggies and tofu on rice, I sat around the house. There's a boredom there that I don't think is actual boredom, it's that I don't really know what to do with myself. I sat or stood in the middle of the room and just "was". I'm back to doing my walking thing again. I was just going to walk down to the corner, but then I kept going. I walked to Cook Street Village, and then I kept going. I went all the way down to Dallas Road and hung out on a log for a bit. I just felt like walking and taking things in around me and having my legs move about. It's my walking thing. I did it all the time in Japan too, especially through the summer when it was too hot to go out in the day, I would wander about the streets with little clothing on at 2 in the morning. It's my walking thing. I do it when I'm not totally comfortable with my surroundings and something is going on that makes me unhappy. When I'm unhappy I need movement. I'm happiest when I'm moving. I noticed that when I was on the bus, well, maybe not happy. I don't think happy is actually the best word, especially seeing that I cried the whole time on the bus from Seattle to Vancouver a few weeks ago. I guess the word is comfortable. I feel comfortable when things are going by the window. When I'm uncomfortable in my own space, I do my walking thing where I walk just for the sake of movement. It was a lovely evening out. From Dallas I walked back up Cook and then over a block to all the old Victorian houses. I took off my shoes and walked about 5 blocks on the sidewalk and on people's lawns bare foot. It felt so good to do. It made me feel connected to the ground and what surrounds me. I loved the feel of the concrete under my feet, massaging and sloughing off the skin. And that's all I have to say about that. up |
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I bummed around #4 (that's what I've named the apartment) for most of the morning and cleaned up a bit. I headed out the door at 12:30 and made my way to the Y, to Christ Church Cathedral and then to the Library. It was a good day. At the library, in the courtyard out front, there was a girls choir singing some really great a cappella pieces. It has great acoustics in there. It reminded me of my last year with SDYC. Then I went by the grocery store and found some stuff for making Nabe for dinner. I didn't find everything, but it turned out okay in the end. Not great. But okay. Mum & Dad came over for dinner. After dinner we went for a walk down into Rockland area and Dad gave us a Victoria history lesson. It was cool to hear him talk about when he was growing up. We went by the old place on Rockland that Grandpa used to own and Dad told us a story of when he was about 10 years old and it was late and raining and they had gotten a call so they went out. Dad remembers sitting in the parking lot, looking up at Grandpa, in the rain, in the dark, on the roof 3 stories up. He walked along the side of the roof and then held onto a pipe (that's still there) in order to lean over and clean out the gutter. Dad stood down on the ground at 10 years old, looking up at his father on the roof in the dark in the rain and he just prayed. Brooklyn and I were talking about loss and re-entry last night. I told her that I was doing my wandering thing, which usually means that (as I've mentioned before) I'm uncomfortable in my surroundings. She said that soon enough everything will feel normal again, it will just gradually move to normalicy without me noticing it. So that sparked a discussion. I don't think I want things to feel normal. It will be like I'm betraying those still in Japan whom I love and care about and betraying the whole struggle that I went through to adjust to life there. It feels like if things here feel normal then it will mean that I'm not living in the memory of the few that I don't get to see anymore and it will be an evidence that I'm forgetting them. It will be a betrayal of the me who had to do everything she could to figure out the world around her. Maybe it's just the martyr in me coming out in a different form. Me wanting to take responsibility for everything on my own shoulders. up |
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I had a totally fab day with Nen & Ryan and their friends from Nanaimo. I got up early, just woke up at 8 o'clock. How wrong is that? I met up with them in front of the MEC but I didn't want to go in cause I knew I wouldn't buy anything, so I just headed to the mall to look for shoes and sunglasses. No luck. Shopping here really does suck. At least it's no where near as bad as Asia for sizes. We all met up later and hit Thrifty's in James Bay to pick up some lunchy lunch things and headed to Beacon Hill to have a pic nic. We sat and ate and played Frisbee for hours. It was great. The lawn was lush and green. It felt so good to have our shoes off and to run about in the grass, tossing the Frisbee around, moving, being active, talking, laughing, giving each other a hard time. It was really nice. There was a cricket game going on across from us that Ryan and his friend watched a bit of. Ry tried to explain some of the rules to us. It's complicated, I've never understood it, I still don't. Kid decided to climb the tree beside us. He was waaaay up there. I pretty much reached right up to the top. He was like, "I can see Baker from here!" I love that he's 27 and married and still loves to climb trees. We had to drop off one friend at the ferry terminal so we hung out on the docks in Sidney, spitting over the side and joking in the sun until the ferry was leaving. Then we went back into town for Korean food and ate for an hour straight. I'm so glad to see the Boney's have good friends around them in Nanaimo. They've set some good roots for themselves there.
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I've gotten to the point in my re-entry were I believe and tell myself, "it wasn't that bad", and I honestly don't know if it's a lie or true. It's like, I know there was a lot that sucked, but a lot of it is stuff that I know now and if I got a chance to be with him then it would be worth it. I did really dread the adult classes. I do have to remember that. I think I was thinking more along the lines of just life there. Things are easier here, ordering in restaurants, buying groceries, taking classes at the Y, buying stamps. But then there are more things that distract you and that you have to pay attention to as you're bombarded everyday by the consumerism that is our world. It's like, grocery shopping was harder overseas cause I couldn't read anything and didn't know what I was buying, but then that made things almost easier, and cheaper, and healthier cause all I could buy was vegetables, rice and meat. Here I get all distracted by tins of soup and boxes of cereal and popcorn. So there is an ease of life, that if you knew what to expect, it could actually make life much better being over there. The clincher for me is that I don't want to be there alone again. You need a reason to be there and to decide to be there. The rest of it isn't worth anything but the odd visit and to take the principles that I had to live by while there back to my life in order to simplify. I should be biking more, but because I can read the bus schedule, I take the bus. I should just buy produce, tofu and veggies, but I see everything else in the store and know what it is so I buy packaged food more often which ends up being just a filler for my body as opposed to real nutrition. I need to meld the two together and realize that without a reasonable reason (by the very make up of that word, an unreasonable reason shouldn't even be possible) there's nothing about Japan that may draw me there that I can't establish for myself here. There's just that one thing that's there, that I can do nothing about. Much of my life has been centered around work. I've gotten most of the A/R all organized and ready to go. I'm going to tackle the A/P this week and see what I can do to get things moving a little more smoothly. Then, next week, while Janice is gone, I'll try to get back to the Master Address List. I think it could reach up around 5000 names. Great fun. I'm feeling very point-less right now. Makes me re-think the teaching thing again. It's a steady income for something that doesn't actually take ALL that much. I could do kids till the cows come home, as long as there aren't parents in there. up |
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I bought a suit today. I had AquaYoga and then I was energized and didn't want to go home, so I called Amanda to see if the Seguin house-hold had had dinner yet. They did. She told me that Eugene's was having a sale today and that everything was cheap like it had been when they opened like 30 years ago. So I went wandering. By the time I got there, they were closed. I went to Azuma Sushi, they were busy and not very friendly. No "Irashaimase" there, I tell you. I walked by Plum and discovered they were still open and there was some cute stuff in the window. Not that I've ever been able to fit anything in there. But I figured I could give it a try. I found a few things that were cool. The girls in there were weird. They were trying to be friendly, but I could tell that they didn't actually want to be friendly with me. They had no true interest in serving me. That's your freakin job. Anyway, I found a suit that I liked and I decided to just get it. I got home and called Dad to tell him about it and that spurred on a conversation about money and enjoying the money if you have it to enjoy. It's not that you have to be frivolous. But if you're usually responsible with your money, it's okay to buy something that you don't necessarily need or are dying to have, but that it's kinda fun and a nice way to spend some money. "Like your mum and a mini. She just needs to go out and buy a mini." I should buy a suit, well I did, and Mum should buy a car she likes. up |
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I woke up really early this morning. At 4:37 I awoke out of a weird dream at a noise in my room. It's been warm lately so all my windows are open. I'm up on the third floor so I didn't think it was a person or anything, but I thought it might be a small rodent or a bird or something. I was all disoriented because I had just woken up so I was walking around the flat all confused. It turned out to be the wind knocking my not-so-tightly-closed door. But by then I was awake. I laid in bed till I fell asleep around 6. I thought I heard my alarm go off on my phone in the living room. Then I was a little more awake and I thought I heard it again. So confusing. I got up about 10 minutes later when I realized it was quarter to eight and it wasn't time for my alarm to go...it must be a call. I got my message and it was LeeAnne calling from Japan. I got her again and we ended up talking to each other for like an hour and a half. It was so nice to hear her voice on the other end. She's ended up with my horrible class of ET 4 kids up at Shiroi. Poor thing. Dad came to call just as we were getting off the line. I got ready and packed some things really quick and we were off. Good times, good times. We did some shopping for me (socks, sunglasses and underwear), tried (yet again, with no luck) to pick up Dad's leather jacket, had lunch with Nana, picked up some stuff for the yard at the cabin and caught the ferry to Mill Bay. We got back to the cabin and loaded the back of the F350 with wood, drove it up the driveway, and threw it all out of the truck again. We got a lot of stuff done around there. It looks really fabulous. They've done a lot of work on the outside of the cabin, making gardens and stuff, that has made it look really homey and comfortable. This week has been a tough one. I find that I'm thinking too much. I totally feel like I'm just floating here. I don't know why I'm here or what the hell I'm doing. I'm glad to have work to be doing, otherwise I'd be spending all my savings, but I don't know if it's what I want to do for a while. I guess I just need to keep going and doing and feed my body and stay active and then, before you know it, I'll be old and alone and then death will come quick after that. There. Done. That's the point of life. Maybe it's just the culture shock talking. I don't think I can just keep blaming culture shock. Like my problem in Japan, wasn't always culture shock, it was coming to grips with the fact that I was not able to be myself because I was overwhelmed by working everyday in a job that stressed me out and I found little point in. Not that there isn't point to teaching English, I just felt that because of the way that it's billed in advertisements by the school, that I was propagating the lies the whole of the Asian ESL world have been told are truth. I felt dishonest in what I was doing. I wasn't teaching, I was playing games. Sometimes I was teaching the kids, but often with the adults I certainly wasn't and all I was doing was entertaining them. I find Adult Conversational Classes completely useless and nothing but a huge lie. That stresses me out. up |
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I've been feeling like there's hope. Like it's just a matter of time. I went to Brooklyn's birthday party tonight. They're all very young. It was fun though to be a part of. We played Bocce ball and BBQ-ed stuff and ate chips and sat out by the bonfire in the rain. It was a nice time. I felt really out of place every now and then, but in the end it was okay. Number "Invalid". No more hope. It was a long night without much sleep. up |
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I woke up at 9 this morning after not sleeping. Lame. And then I remembered the "Invalid". It made me sad. Made me sit and stare at the wall for about an hour. This sucks. I had an old friend come over around 11 and we sat and chatted and then went for lunch at Petit Saigon. It was nice to reconnect with her. She's doing really well at teaching and on her first practicum. I'm really proud of her and she's excited to get into it. We need more people like her in the school system. Now I'm back home after taking a ride on the Bus of Death. I'm convinced it was the Bus of Death. The driver drove by 3 stops (one of which was mine), one time he stopped at a gas station with the bus running and the door open (maybe to go to the bathroom), and then he stopped the bus cause he heard a sound, it was someone closing a window. A random bus driver. Fun on the Bus of Death. And now I'm here, just being sad. I'm tired of being sad but I don’t know of any other way to be. I've lost everything of what it means to live joyously. There are things that strike me as funny, but there's little actual JOY in anything that I do. up |
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I went to sleep on the couch last night at 6:00. I got up at 7:00 pm and moved to my bed. Then I got up at 10:00 am this morning. I think that constitutes 16 hours of sleep that I got last night. That's madness. I can't think of anything that I actually WANT to do today. There's things to do, and I'll do a few, but there isn't anything that I actually want to do. I don't even want to eat donuts. I always want to eat donuts, I hardly ever do because they make me feel icky and my skin itchy, but I still have that underlying want to eat them. I guess it's just another process in the re-entry. I felt this way when I first went to Japan, apathy towards all that surrounds you. I never went through the "honeymoon" stage with Japan, I did here though. And now I've moved on to the apathy / disillusionment with it all stage. It's true. Life is life every where you go. I think I'll go sit in the orange comfy chair, drink my V-8, stare at the wall and the bikes in the corner, and listen to the traffic...for the next several hours. I decided to go for a walk to the library around noon. Then I just kept going. Rather Forest Gump-esque of me. I came home around 4:30 to eat something. I barely did that. It's even food that I adore, goat cheese Mac and Cheese with rice stick. My fav. Didn't want it. I got a peanut butter and marshmallow bar from Moka House on Cook. I didn't like it either. I watched the planes take off from the Inner Harbour. I watched stupid Americans walk about the city "taking in the culture", talk about pointless traveling and (to use someone else's line) consuming culture. I looked for apartments down on Lower Cook. I went to church to listen to some holier than thou guy gripe about moral relativity in our culture, where's praising God's name and being honest in your faith in that. Nope, didn't see anything loving from the moment I stepped in the door. I went looking for somewhere to be able to be in my hurt and to find healing and redemption. I know I'm looking for God. I find it interesting that I don't find Him when I walk into any church or talk to pretty much any Christian, a few, not many. I sat out on the North field of Vic High, hoping to be struck by lightening, praying to be struck by lightening. I've come to a conclusion, or rather, a conclusion I came to long ago was just very solidified in my mind today in my wanderings for the last 8 hours. Life is completely pointless and we're all just entertaining ourselves until we die. Some just have themselves more deluded into believing in a point to beauty and joy than others. There's just as much point in the beauty as there is in the hurt. And that isn't a whole lot. up |
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I didn't sleep last night. I just couldn’t be alone any more so I called Mum and asked her to come down. We spent the evening together and sat and talked. She tucked me into bed and left around 1. I couldn't sleep and I rolled over at like 2:30 to get a melatonin and discovered a spider on me. Needless to say, I really didn't sleep much. Today at work I spent the day labeling envelopes. That's all. The ride home was really hard and I pretty much cried from the time I left Haro till I went to sleep. Even the whole way on the bus. up |
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I'm getting really good at sleeping through my alarms again. I'm going through a "must go back to Japan" stage. Never thought in a million years I would want to. Not that I actually miss the country or the culture, and I certainly don't miss the job (although I do sometimes miss Yui and Yui, and Yuichi and Izumi, but that's all), but I miss it. I feel so strongly about it that it breaks my heart all over again when ever I think of it because I feel there's very little I can do about it now and I feel like if I leave it too long then there will be bitterness. I have had a sense all this week that it's how some people feel, like me leaving was about things not being worth staying for. Lord, please don't let that be in anyone's mind cause it's not true. I spent all day, from like 10 till 5:30, stuffing envelopes and labeling them. Daytime television sucks. But now that project is pretty much done, so it's onward and upward to other things again. Like back to setting up Accounts Payable stuff. Yeah! I believe that today will be the first day that I haven't cried in a long time. And that's not because it was a good day or because I didn't feel like it. It's because I simply refused and every time my chest felt like imploding, I would stop and think about something else and something banal. up |
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