My Journal |
||||||
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
| 3 | 4 | 5 | ||||
| 6 | 7 | 9 | 11 | 12 | ||
| 14 | 15 | 16 | 18 | |||
| 20 | 21 | 23 | 24 | 26 | ||
| 27 | 29 | 30 | 31 | |||
|
|
|
||||
|
Woke up early this morning to get up to Nanaimo for the day with Mum and Dad. Just as we were about to walk out the door, Ryan called to say that Nen’s water had broke but that she wasn’t in labour yet. The Midwife was headed over to their place to assess Bunky’s state and heart rate. We got up there for Dad’s meeting with Pat while Mum and I went to Toys R’ Us to buy a baby bath. Then the Johns went to meetings with the lawyers and Mum and I went to Granny and Glen’s old home to get some stuff done. We went for lunch and heard from Dad that Nen and Ry were taking a walk around the neighbourhood to try and get Bunky moving along. We had a nice visit with Granny and took Tara and her for a walk around the lake toward the public beach and back. Glen had given Granny some nice roses for her anniversary today. Cassidy was playing softball this afternoon against some girls who were older than her team for practice. We stopped by briefly to watch her play. It’s her birthday tomorrow. Dad, Mum and I were at the hospital by 11:15 tonight to go occupy the waiting room space for the next few hours. up |
 |
We did well to occupy the waiting room space. We were very well behaved and didn’t disturb anyone but were very patient. I read for awhile. What else would you do while waiting for a baby but delve into some Dostoyevski. Makes perfect sense. Mum and I played some checkers. I hadn’t played since I was under ten, and at that I think it was really just the once with Grandpa so I had to be retaught. We heard that Bunky had crowned around 1 o’clock. Dad paced the hallway, much the way he had when I was born, in that exact same hallway. Not that I was born in that hallway, but that he had paced that hallway before when I was born in the room down the hall across from where Bunky was born. We didn’t hear anything for about 2 hours until Ryan came down to inform us that Fraser John Clark was born at 2:56 in the morning and was busy eating right away. How great! We got to go see them about an hour later and meet the little one. Nen was exhausted and still looked a bit doped up but was doing well. We made it back to the hotel rooms around 5 and I got to sleep around 6. We went back to the hospital to meet up with the Powell’s. We went for some lunch at the Longwood Brew Pub and all talked and looked at pictures that Dennis had just taken. Ryan joined us for food as well while Nen was sleeping. The new grandma’s decided that it was time to go shopping for him, so we went to the children’s store and got some manly clothes for him. We all went back to the hospital together to watch Fraser grow for about an hour and we all came around them together to pray as a family. How blessed are we!!! up |
| |
|
|
We got up early today to head for Nanaimo. Mum and Dad had this Sustainability Conference that they went to. I had a nap on Nen and Ryan’s couch until I heard that they were on their way home with the new little Bunky baby. Sam and I headed out to quickly buy some groceries and supplies to make food with. We pulled in just as they were opening the door. They got settled in and wrapped him all up. He got his first manicure today. Ryan tried to file down his nails. It was very manly. I made some freezable dinners for them and then they went for a nap while I got to baby sit Fraser. We took a tour of the house and I showed him most of the rooms and told him what they’re used for. We went and visited Uncle Sam in the basement for a bit and I told Fraser that under no circumstances is he to play “The Game” because it’s addictive. I sat on the couch for much of the time just watching him sleep. He’s just so beautiful. One of the most beautiful things ever seen in my opinion. Mum and Dad called so I had to go pick them up and we booted down to Victoria. They had an opening party for Classic Silverware that’s owned by a friend of theirs. She just opened up a new store and it’s pretty fab. I went and got them there after having dinner with an old friend for Cinco de Mayo at this little hole in the wall Mexican place. The new store has more antique furniture and stuff in it than just the silver settings that Barb had in the old place. She’s done a fabulous job of it and every piece in there seems to have a story to go along with it that she can tell you all about. Mum and Dad then dropped me off at Marc and Amanda’s to spend the night with them. Amanda and I decided to go on a treat run up the street for chips and chocolate around 11. up |
|
Went for a walk with Amanda in the morning, talked about lots of things...figured out some of being a girl and how my perception is skewed of what people expect me to be. It’s like I have this concept in my brain that I live by and think that others have as well, but that I don’t live within that concept and so it makes me all freaky in the way that I interact with people. What I really came to see in talking to her is that others don’t have that, that it’s all in my mind and then when in a group of women especially, most don’t have that skewed view and have no intention of making me according to that myth, but truly want me to just be who and what I am. It was all very, very freeing. It was a definite paradigm shift. I don't think I'm doing well to express any of it and it's clear, or at least more clear, in my brain but it isn't coming out right. I played crib with Dad today after they came and picked me up at Marc and Amanda’s. I haven’t played in so long. I skunked him my first game. I figure it’s just second beginner’s luck, I’m not a real beginner, but I had to get a refresh on the rules cause I hadn’t played since I was in my early twenties. I lost the second game but either 18 or 13, I can’t remember which 5 line I was at. Feel like I’m still at that fork in the road, that I’m not using my gifts from the Lord well (right now it’s my time) instead I’m selfish and I struggle coming up to wanting to be in Victoria, but is it just that I don’t think he wants to gift me with a house full there, and other things, but never mind. Is it just masochistic that I want to flee all that I want, or is it martyrdom, or is it truly holding on to the world loosely and not getting sucked in like that show that Sam and I watched the other night, not getting lulled into the dream state that all is fine and don’t worry about trying to give up your very life to slay the monster that kills people while lulling them into false security...everything’s fine, the world isn’t going to end. It was that show about two brothers who go after bad things, like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, only very differnt. It was an interesting show to think about later on. up |
|
Went up to Nanaimo with the rents again today. I had a bad sleep after finding a spider a few inches from my face in my bed last night just as I was going to fall asleep. I freaked out and ran up stairs to find a glass but then found Dad awake, which is much better than a glass to catch a big hairy icky spider. Once he killed it, that was it, I wasn’t going to stay down there so I got on the couch and couldn’t calm down. I was shaking and I would close my eyes and see it right in front of me again and I’d shudder twitch and then I was so tired and disturbed that I started crying and Dad came and rubbed my back and laughed at me. So needless to say, this morning I woke up stiff and from very vivid dreams, which only continued into my napping in the truck and then at Granny’s old house where Mum and I were to be waiting for the Sally Ann guys to come and pick stuff up. They never came. I kept “waking up” into dreams that were altered realities and had conversations with Mum that never existed but it was like I had because everything in my dream looked like my current surroundings, but were off a bit. I kept trying to wake up, but it just wouldn’t happen and instead woke up into another dream. Very annoying, very disturbing. When I finally did make it back into a reality that was true, the guys hadn’t come. We called Dad for food and he showed up. We packed some stuff up in the truck for the Cabin (treasures like fishing poles and old picture albums with heritage pictures of great-great grandparents and such) then went to Nen and Ryan’s to see Bunky baby. We hung out with them for a bit, then Dad and I went grocery shopping for them while Mum babysat and they went for a nap together. By the time we made it back, Sam was just getting home and so he took over baby duty to let them continue sleeping. I was really glad that he was happy to take the little guy. I think he’s going to be a great uncle, I just don’t know if he knows it. Wade wrote today that Beyond is looking for a food service person. I told him that it’s hard to imagine leaving the island right now cause I just want to hold that baby boy forever. It’s like that passage of anyone must give up his father and mother, his wife and children. It’s just so clear to me today. If you aren’t willing to give it all up to the Lord’s care and tell him that you will give up watching your nephew grow up in order to serve Him, then you can’t be His disciple. He needs people who are sold out to Him and who won’t hold it against Him if He calls you to exactly what you’ve told Him you’d do. It seems like everyone I talk to right now has no problem with “setting up life” and that I would want to do so here seems to be a given and even my right to do so, and I just don’t think that it’s right. It’s like if Jesus had gone around and done His teaching and done this and that but then when it came the Garden that instead of being handed over, He escaped in the night and set up a nice little carpentry business to provide for a nice little family that He could raise and just “do life”. We’d all be going to Hell and there would be no power in what He said, there would be no healing for those who follow, there would be nothing there but some nice words to try and live by. I just can’t make any of this rectify itself in my brain and it could just be because I’m not submitting myself to it but still trying to hold on to pieces of it here and there, to make it balance between the things of this world that I don’t want to let go of (like the Ex) and the things that I know I am called to. He says, “you cannot be my disciple” and I want to keep being like, “well what if we do this, or that, that could balance out right, sort of compromise on both sides, yeah?” And so He’s saying that I won’t be satisfied, I won’t be comfortable or at peace until I truly submit it and walk in that path. When I think that way it opens up the world and it makes DC and Beyond and Africa and South America seem right. I just don’t know where yet, and maybe that’s not for me to figure out. This time must be about me resigning it all over in the fashion that He requires, completely. Are you going to act on the premise of “yes, even your own life” or are you going to try and preserve it. Don’t throw it away, but don’t live in fear of loosing it because then you will spend your whole life trying to preserve it and it will have wasted all your time to actually go and do something. It would be like the talent buried in the ground. “I didn’t want to loose it so I buried it” But by doing so it made it worthless. “I didn’t want to move to Colombia because then I might get sick, or get captured and die and then what work could I do for you? So I stayed here and set up shop in Victoria so that I wouldn’t loose the gift you gave me” but by doing so, didn’t do any work and didn’t submit to Him and didn’t call on Him at every step. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to live this out. What can I truly do to be in this space and to live sold out. Am I strong enough to step away from that baby boy and not see him each week grow up and be a part of the village that is loving him into the man that he was made to be? I don’t know if I am. But it’s not for me to take that responsibility on, it’s not me who is going to help grow that man, it’s the Lord and if He’s telling me to GO, then I need to go and leave Fraser to be brought up by the Lord in whatever fashion He is going to bring it about. Anything that is maneuvering around that to “help God along” is not truly leaving him up to His care and is not trusting Him completely. up |
|
I don't think I will be here for much longer. I have a friend up in northern BC who needs some help. He moved up there about 7 years ago and met this wonderful woman, Heather, who had lost her husband to cancer and had three kids. Paul and her got married and he loves the kids as his own. He works at a summer camp up there as the General Manager. Well, just two days ago, they found out that Heather now has cancer. I don't know the extent but they are of course in turmoil and the summer season is fast approaching where Paul's days are full. So he emailed me yesterday and asked me to come up and help out for 6 weeks while he's tending to his family. It feels like another one of those things (like leaving DC) where the Lord was saying again, "It's not about you, Michelle". In me asking Him where to go it's so often in my mind of what is He trying to teach me or want me to experience, but in all the opportunities that have come up over the past few weeks of what to do and where to go next, it was all about me! Where I would be comfortable. Where I would be fed. Where I would have fun. And none of them felt right. I mean, they did, some of them are the greatest desires of my heart (like to be back in Victoria with four really good friends of mine), but even though they are huge desires they all felt like the most selfish things I could do with my life and time. And then Paul wrote. He's been trying to get me to go up there for a long time and it never felt right, it never appealed to me in any way shape or form, till yesterday. Now it's not about me, it's about supporting my friend Paul in his time of need and a time when he needs my gifts and talents, not about me having a good experience. So that's where I'm tending to lean towards. It's the kind of thing that it's just beyond my natural capabilities, but something that the Lord is saying "I'll equipe (that might be spelt in French, I'm not sure!) you, come to Me when there's anything to decide and I'll flow through you, this isn't a big deal for Me, it may be for you, but it isn't for Me". So once I talk to Paul and pray some more, I just may be off for northern BC for a bit. I had an interesting day yesterday. I had a great day. I went down to the chiropractor and for a walk to the library. Then I went downtown and parked at Yates and sat out on Ship's Point in the wind. Today I’m in a space. I’m all discombobulated and all over the map. I can’t find this balance of living in the world and not being of it, of holding things loosely and taking every opportunity that comes along. I feel like the whole world is selfish and that there is nothing of this world that is good that is to be held onto, everything is a satiation of our senses and although it may not be intrinsically wrong, it ends up being completely meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I find that I have this intense desire right now for interaction, but I find that few understand what I say and that I just create conflict because I’m talking of things that makes no one comfortable. I find that I’m looking someone or something to connect to, but I’m coming up short and unsatisfied at every turn. I can’t make head or tail or which way is up. How do we rectify this loose grasp on the world with what is before us. If this place was created for us to dwell then why does it feel so foreign. We never saw Jesus amass anything, or even pause to take in what was surrounding Him. He went to the disciples and asked them to lay down everything they had ever known. They took nothing with them. Everything was provided to the minimum of what they needed and their souls were supplied amply. It is the simplistic. All of my belongings seem to own me right now and all seem completely useless and there is the demand from the world to own and control and keep and take care of them. Does it matter if my childhood dolls cease to exist? Does it make my childhood any less of a reality to me or my parents? If I will be forgotten within 2 generations, then what does it matter now. Is there a need to keep a family legacy and story, or does it just keep us connected to the world? Does it make us feel safer from our own temporal being? Does it assuage the fear of being forgotten that if we can keep the memory of the family before us, does it ground us in where we came from so as not to get swept up in the hype of today, or does it truly just make us feel better that if we can hand down a complete story to the next generation that we will exist within it as it is passed down further from us? Even the current seems so pointless to me and all I see is the things needed to do the work set in front of us for the time, and that for me the times will be in a constant momentum of change and flux. I don’t see a house for me. I see a storage shed of the things that were dreamed of once as being important for the future so I must take care of them now to have them at that later date, but now that later date seems so far off and even non-existent that it is meaningless to hold on to them because they’re just something to organize and take up energy. And then within all of these thoughts, I become completely paralyzed to do anything. I want something to connect to, to keep things mobile in my brain, to have a point of reference but I am met everywhere with disconnect from fear and confusion. Todd said this weekend that I sounded like I don’t know what I want, and maybe I do, or maybe I want two conflicting things that cannot co-exist in the same personal reality just by the nature of them. Or maybe I do know, but I don’t have any concept of what it looks like in reality. Am I trying too hard to fit that which is beyond rationale (again, maybe a French spelling) and logic of this world, into this world so that it’s more palatable? I don’t feel like my decisions have been misplaced, but if they have been misunderstood and misread then I am trying to hard to make it into something that it isn’t...able to be understood by this world in this world’s terms. I feel like my stomach has taken up residency in my throat and my heart could bust out of my rib cage at any moment, and I feel like I’m walking on egg shells with an anticipation for something unknown. Like the first day of school when you know you’re supposed to go down the street but that you don’t even know what to expect or what you’ll find there or if it will be good or bad or if there will be friends or nothing but foes. up |
|
The world is so messed up. I understand now why people like the guys I met today would rather spend their entire existence in a fog and a cloud as opposed to interacting with the reality that surrounds them. I had this wonderfully hedonistic day, that was our goal when we set out this morning, in Victoria with Heidi and Chris today and at the end of it everything seems so clear and pointless that I just don’t even know what to do with it all. It was a great day, it was a fine day, and now I want it all to disappear. It’s wild how quickly I can let my mind go to places where I know that it shouldn’t be and just how much that effects if I’m in the game or not. I get completely taken out of the game when I am rejected. It goes so deeply. When I look for attention, when I look for confirmation and if it isn’t met, if it’s ignored then I immediately feel like I’m a burden, a bother, something to be suffered with until I finally go away. Where on earth does that come from??? Why would I ever naturally feel like that, particularly enough to bring me right out of the game and not be able to think clearly. I feel like I’m bashing my head up against the wall half the time. We did get to have a perfect time of watching the Detroit-Anaheim game over local beer and fries and gravy at Darcy’s. Good friends. I love Heidi and Chris, they're just fabulous. I feel like all of Victoria is this hedonistic play ground of all who dwell within its banks. Maybe it’s the nice weather, but it seemed like everyone who is living for themselves, just in the process of living, were all out in full force today. More dreads and tats I have not seen in one place in a very long time. It makes me all up in my own grill at this inability to placate this imbalance in my brain that has to do with the things of this world. Maybe I’m going to die soon... :) Maybe that’s why I have this intense reverse grip, it’s like there isn’t even a word to express the action of holding in one’s hand with such a grip and a desperation to hold on, but the exact opposite action. There’s just as much intensity and desperation in it, but in an expellation, an unclenching from my grasp that has occurred. It feels like there is nothing in this world that truly holds much over me, and yet I’ve never felt more controlled by my surroundings as I have over the past few days. It’s like the thing that I fear the most in the world and the thing that I feel I need to flee. Is it a preemptive fleeing? Do I want to flee to head it off at the pass? I just feel like my whole chest cold cave in at any time and there’s no remedy. Before, it has been a question of a person when I have felt like this, that there has been an irrevocable spliter in my connection with a person and they have meant more to me than I have to them, but this time around it’s non-specific. It just is. It’s a question of the unquestionable, of the given, of the convention by which I am approached. I feel like I don’t belong. Maybe that’s why I’m in this space. I know that I’ll be moving on and everyone else does as well, so everyone asks, but then because everyone is asking "Where are you going next?" I feel like no one wants me to just be. I want to take this opportunity to just be. To be in this space and place where I am and where I’m put. I feel like I’m drawn to something beyond the conventional, but because I don’t know what that is all I can do is see what is around me and feel like it doesn’t belong to me. I have a mouse in my room. Dad and I just pulled the place apart and still cannot find it. I just want to sleep and forget, but I know that Downstairs Cat will just wake me up like she did last night, causing a raucus in my room trying to catch it. It was a spider on Tuesday night and a mouse on both Thursday and Friday nights now this week. I need to move to Prince George just to get away from the vermin in my room!! In a letter to Brooklyn after telling her about going to Prince George: So that's where I'm headed to next. I'm in a weird space and it's not a good weird space. It's this crazy dichotomy of being in the world and having this loose grasp on the world, which for some reason this week has been extended to a loose grasp on reality, and wanting nothing more than to enjoy all that this world has to offer in the time given, but then the hedonism of it all just seems so pointless and temporal in an Ecclesiastes kind of a way. Maybe it's just a mid life crisis. I'm old enough to have one of those!!! It's easy enough to be 3-4 years early on a mid life if you base the mid on being off a 70 year old life span. It's a little short, but 3-4 years early on a short life span could still be termed "Mid-Life", so I think that from this point on I'm just going to claim that I'm having a mid-life crisis. up |
|
Went into Victoria after booking my flights to Prince George. I found Amanda just getting off work, so we went for a walk down to The Patch. We then checked with Marc to see if he wanted to come for dinner. They had like 40 people reserved up at the paintball field for today, and like 120 showed up, so he was a fried chicken and we left him there. We visited briefly with Brooklyn and Hattie and Claire while they ate Beacon Hill ice cream and then got ourselves pizzas from the Joint, and grabbed a movie. Just a good time with a good friend. Just before leaving, which then turned out to be a while before actually leaving we started to chat at the front door and had a really good talk about the world and life and me and how I deal with things. She said that she was so glad to hear me say that talking with her had helped me out a tonne with figuring things out cause she was lost. She went home that day and mentioned to Marc, “I love Michelle. I have no idea how she thinks about things cause we think completely different from each other, and I love that”. It was so good for me to hear that. I have been feeling like I’m too difficult to deal with and that I’m not worth working at getting to know, so to have her acknowledge that it’s a challenge to grasp me, but that she wants the challenge and she’s enjoying it and wants to know more. How wonderful. What a very good friend she is. I told her a bit about how I felt like guys in the past had thought that my quirks were too much and she really encouraged me. She was like, “Well that’s because you need a man, not a guy”. Well then that got me thinking.
up |
|
We went up early to Nanaimo. I slept in the car per usual just before getting there. We got to Nen and Ry’s late in the afternoon. The four of us, me, Nen, Ryan and Fraser, went for a little stroll through the neighbourhood. It was a beautiful evening out. It’s been really warm lately, not really with all the wind in Victoria because the wind is pretty chilly off the Pacific still, but sunny none the less. I like watching Fraser. He’s just so beautiful...in a very manly kind of a way. I was lying in bed and could hear them get up with him to feed him. They were laughing away and just so happy to be with him.
up |
|
I flew out of Nanaimo early with Harbour Air who took me right around to the YVR terminal to catch my flight to Prince George. I slept most of the flight up and it made it feel like it was about a 20 minute flight. When I woke up, I noticed that my silver bracelet was gone! I looked around and talked to the attendants and no one could find it. I’m very sad to have lost it. But I lost my phone in December and it showed up about a month ago, so you just never know. I’m just not sure if it got ripped off with all the back and forth with my backpack today. Krista came to the airport to pick me up with little Jacob. He’s a big baby! He’s in the 90th percentile evidently. After stopping for some groceries we got in to Ness Lake Bible Camp. I met most of them around the dining hall for lunch. They all seem like cool kids. Paul showed up eventually and he, Krista and I went over some stuff and then she and I rummaged around the office for a bit. I’m staying in the Waterfront Lodge, which is this beautiful new log building with guys housing on the top, girls in the middle and the waterfront gear in the bottom. Once I unpacked, everything onto the top bunk cause there’s no drawers or anything which would have been good information to have before leaving, I realized just how little stuff I have here.
up |
|
We had our first school group in today. They were high schoolers in a gym class who came out just for the morning and lunch to play a little and then head back to school. The teacher sponsor was a really cool guy who has been here with his own kids before as well. I got to head down to the waterfront with Rebecca to give her a hand with the kayaks and canoes. The first group just sort of paddled around and didn’t do much. The second group were a different type of kid! I could tell right away that they were going to be more to handle and that they were going to be my favourite of the week. They didn’t disappoint. There were three guys in one canoe who had never done it before, one guy had never even been in a small craft before. They giggled the whole time. I wasn’t too sure if they were high yet, but was quite sure that it would not be far off. So immediately they all took off toward the island and it seemed like they just couldn’t wait to get in behind the island. I think I put a kink in their plans, in fact, I know I did. Once there it then seemed to be just a race for me to go back and forth between the two groups of two canoes each (four canoes worth of boys in all) trying to let them know “coolly” that I knew what was going on. As I was with one group and giving them a hard time with comments like “Dude, don’t try and hide the light like as if I don’t know, please don’t insult my intelligence”, I would look over and see the puffs of smoke coming from the other canoes clear on the other side of the island. Alright, now I’ll paddle over there. Needless to say that all lights were out by the time we got back to the shore which was what I told them I wanted (I loved how the snacks came out half way through the trip and then the comments of “Dude, I’m sooo hungry, when’s lunch”) although I had to ask a couple of them to put the light and to “paddle please, keep paddling or we’ll never make it back for lunch”. It was great fun and by the middle of the day I could feel all the walking I’d been doing and the strong paddling (which was about four times as far as the rest of them cause I was constantly going and covered more of the lake several times over, or so it felt like) all up in my back and hips. It felt good to be hungry because I’d worked through all the calories I had taken in in the morning. The girls all decided to sit and read this evening and I found a book of BJ’s on the table that I’m really interested in reading. It’s this guy in Philly who has decided to live on the streets with the people there and to just be Christ to them in their space. Brian had mentioned something about him when I was up last but had forgotten about it until I saw the book and then it all looked vaguely familiar. up |
|
Spent most of the day in the office trying to get my head around the organization here so that I can meld with it, and then ramp it up. It felt good to be able to get things done that I needed to do, but I felt guilty for the first bit that I wasn’t out there doing the hands on stuff, but this is what I needed to do first so that all the hands on stuff will come later on.
up |
|
I had a great day today. It made such a difference having a schedule already made up and an idea of what the day was to look like so that I could actually go out and encourage the kids and check on some of the staff. Things like being able to take Mike (day staff) out in a canoe with the kids instead of him just sitting out there watching them from the shore that made me feel like I was actually doing something instead of sitting in the office trying to plan things out. He and I got to clean cabins together too which was fun to hang out with him for a bit. He’s a good kid with some interesting stories, like being a carnie! I got to “varnish” (or as Lisa likes to call it, “liquid plasticise”) some cedar planking with Lisa up in the shop. I loved being able to work along side her and hear her story about school and what she thinks. That to me is leadership. She’s a darn cool kid. She first started talking about getting up in teachers’ faces about this and that and this one sub who she started to rail about materialism to and how she doesn’t have to go to University, and then the teacher was like, “You’re right, don’t”. It threw her for a loop and it meant that they actually started talking about stuff that really mattered and he turned out to be a really cool guy who had all these random experiences. She wants to go be a missionary in Africa. Her take on it is based on complete disillusionment in the current culture here and how we’re some of the wealthiest and, as I put it, “some of the biggest whiners”. So she wants to go where it will actually make a difference. I told her that I struggle with it whenever anyone is surprised from either side, either that I love makeup and un-sensible shoes, or that I can gut a fish, wear camo and love to play in the woods. I feel like I fit in more here among these girls because I guess that we’re all in the same boat. And I think that that’s what I take away most for myself from the conversations that Lisa and I had is that there seems to be a recurring theme over the past 2 months that there are more of us in the world than what we think there are, not just girls but everyone. I have this weird notion that there are all these “usuals” around and that there’s a big ol’ group of us who don’t fit into the boxes of the “usuals”, but what I’m finding is that there’s more of us in this stream of integrity and boldness and ordinary revolutionaries (book by Shane Claiborne) than what we think and that soon we’re going to be the usual and the “usuals” will be unusual. It’s the desire for something greater than what the world can offer us, it’s those who are willing to lay down their concepts of what life “should” look like to do what they believe is truly right, independent of the conventions and the world saying otherwise. Maybe I’m just lied to more loudly by Satan to believe that there is this weird world out there who wants me to be different than I am for some random purpose of his own to make me less of what I’m called to be in the Lord’s Kingdom. I talked to Ryan tonight. Fraser is over 8 pounds now. He was trying to get him to make a sound for me, but he’s just so chill that he doesn’t say anything. The strong silent type. That’s my nephew, who has none of my characteristics...and that’s just fine with me because he’s going to know that he is loved by me. I have all weekend to myself. I should have most of this building to myself even for at least a day. My goals for the weekend are to write, to read most of the book by Shane Claiborne which I think will further the writing thing along quite nicely, and to go for a kayak. Those are my three goals for the weekend. Being here, I’ve realized just how little I can get by on. I thought I had paired down before, but I feel like it’s even less here when it really matters. I love my technology and all, but there’s something to actually unplugging (says she on her laptop!) for most of your day and being in the elements of reality. Maybe it’s a stepping stone to help me realize which direction I can go in if I choose it. I still am not convinced that I couldn’t do it in a city centre as well, but we’ll see. The city might be too much of a draw on me and a temptation. I do love a good beer at the bar watching hockey with good friends. I really do believe that there is something surrealy heavenly about it. Maybe it’s the path that the Lord has me on so that I’ll hear things for good this time, instead of thinking that I’ve heard from Him to pair down but then to get into the midst of stuff and not do anything about it. It’s just so hard when your worldly conventions and logic and sensibilities come into play and tell you that you need to keep this or that, “Because otherwise, what will you do in the future?” Oh, I don’t know. Maybe, Trust God!! Just a thought. And it seems to be so easy for me to say, and so difficult to actually put completely into practice. I can do this or that part of it as it suits me, or suits my desire for ranting rights, but how much do I really go after the things of this world over the Lord’s Joy. And just how much of a lasting Joy can this world truly offer me above what God can. up |
|
I’m reading this book that BJ has while she’s away for the weekend. I’m pretty sure that I’ll be done it at least by the time she comes back, if not by tomorrow. It’s The Irresistible Revolution – living as an ordinary radical by Shane Claiborne. So much of what he says sits deep in my brain. There is so much challenge to living it all out and as I have thought before with the idea of the culturally acceptable sins, it is for me a confirmation that everyone chooses the level and the sins of their life. What are we going to take of His word? Where are the lines that we are going to draw for ourselves as the limit of what we are willing to give up and how we are willing to live? We all have them. Is murder a sin? Yes, unless sanctioned by a holy war decreed by our government, then it’s okay. Which things are we going to take as what is necessary for salvation, “You must be born again and say this prayer for it to work because Jesus said to a guy that he must born again”, versus “Go and sell everything you have, because Jesus said to a guy that he had to if he wanted to follow Him”. Where are our lines? It is so reassuring so far in what is vocalized as being those very things that I struggle with. The current Christian culture has made the believing family a idol. I feel okay is saying that now. I used to feel guilty. I used to feel like I was trying to justify something to the world, to tell on them as it were. But now I’m okay with it, realizing that I myself struggle with it. In Matthew, Jesus says that if someone can then it probably would be best for them to stay single. There. It’s said, in the bible. So why is it that there is this push to procreate, to have families, to be in marriage? How can people truly live out boldly if they’re having to worry about what another will say or feel or their needs? I feel like we need to take a step back and say what it is that we are choosing for ourselves. Just because a wonderful fab guy comes along, doesn’t mean that the Lord is like, “there, here’s the one I set out for you, now go and be happy and increase my Kingdom”. We still need to be honest with ourselves and claim that we are choosing to be with this one because we are unable to be on our own. And the more that I think about it, and the scripture about the rich young ruler, He allows us to do so and to walk away and He will love us as we go. If I choose to go and be with someone (even someone wonderful that the Lord has put in my life for whatever purpose) then I have to be honest about what it is that I’m choosing. I’m choosing to say that I will serve Him up until this point, and then I’m walking in the other direction, or stopping there. I don’t doubt that the rich, young ruler still loved Jesus and was still taken with Him, but there was a line in the sand that he didn’t feel capable of crossing, and we all have them (there will be many) and I feel like none of us want to be honest about where those lines are and what they consist of. Some we are able to cross and maybe even the identification of them will take some of the power out of them and make it possible for us to say, “Gosh, look at that line, it’s not actually such a big deal and the Lord is so very worth it and so I’m going to step over on to the other side of it because I know that He will take care of me when I’m on the other side”. That all said, I still can’t find it in myself to be able to do it on many points. Am I willing to truly sell all that I have and to let go of all the comforts of the world to be able to be obedient to the Lord? Does it matter why He calls us to do something? Did it matter at the time why He told me to leave Todd? No. Not really. What matters is that we hear and obey, if nothing more than for the sake of obedience. What am I willing to give, where am I willing to go, what am I willing to give up? Am I willing to give away my book collection? Am I willing to give away my drag-queen skirt? Am I willing to look like a flake and a fool? Am I willing to upset my mother and not keep anything of the family keepsakes just for the point of history? Am I willing to give up my stake in Clark Holdings and the security that it holds? Am I willing to give up my men in my heart, to never think of them again and to consciously never yearn for them again? Am I willing to not watch Fraser grow up? How much am I going to trust in the Lord for these things that I am doing the right thing and that He is going to take care of those who I would give up for Him? The answer to all of that right now, currently, is not very willing. Those are some of my lines that I seem totally unable to cross at this moment. And I as I’m struck with my sin right in my face, I see my rebellion and how strong it is. That I can look at it all truly and say that I can say it with my mouth that I would want to give it all up for Him if He asks me, but that it comes down to it that He is currently asking me, I am unable to act on any of it. And so then the discomfort in everything is going to come and the need to give up all that my heart holds dear is going to go unresolved and I will live in a state of unrequited tension between this world and the unseen world (not, “this world and the next” because “the next” is a bit of a fallacy and not something to base any life decisions on, if the current Kingdom of God isn’t reason enough to give your all, then “the next” isn’t going to hold much for you either). There is grace, but it seems like it can only go so far when we are so unwilling to be honest and give up what He is calling us to. How would I feel to stand before Him now and for Him to say, “Gosh I was hoping that you could be this and that and do this and that and that I could bless you in this and that way, but these little trinkets seemed to be in your way and you wouldn’t step away from them, so I had little choice but to leave you where you have chosen to stay.” Much like the rich, young ruler. Jesus let him walk away. What would it look like to have house in Vic and to trust the Lord? Who would come? Who would I meet? What people would I come to love? In who would I see Jesus? How would we pay taxes and maintain the house? If you trust, prayerfully trust, would you ever have to ask, or would we see it all appear? What an interesting test of faith, what an experiment to go through? What would it end up looking like and am I strong enough and faithful enough to start with to take a first step? Do I need to take a step, or if, through prayer, I say “Lord, make it so” would I be blown away by how He shows up? Am I being taken along on a journey to see what community looks like? I feel like it has been a long way from the quietness of #4, and worlds away from the randomness and discomfort with the comfort of Potomac. The community here is wild. The place survives on the community of the young in Prince George who have taken on a love and responsibility for this place. Their lives intersect and mesh in this place, but also exist in town as well. It is interesting to see those that I would have deemed too young to take on the responsibilities that they have here, but to see the true leadership of duties come out in them and the expertise of an area that I also wouldn’t have expected to see. But they’re the same age, and sometimes a bit younger, as all I loved when they were doing the same sorts of jobs. Funny how age has made me forget. I went over to the Bailey’s last night to play some Rummoli. It’s a great game! I think I may have played it once or twice when I was young but had no recollection of it really. I think it’s going to have to be my new favourite game. up |
 |
I woke up from a dream this morning about shooting two guys in the ankles who were trying to steal a kid from a group of ours care. Then I was taking pictures in a park of kids and they ended up in “my” house, which was Nana’s old house, with their dads and eating my eggs. There were people sitting around the table, some were family like Mum and Dad, and I told them to story of what happened “today” which was about my previous dream of shooting people in the ankle. In Irresistible Revolution (and on the web site which is kind of funny that they have a web site, but I can understand why that decision was made, may as well use the technology that is there that you rail against in order to spread the word more easily, use what already exists), he was talking about checking out where people (corporations) get their stuff from and this morning when I woke up I remembered a time when I wouldn’t blindly buy stuff and how I felt so strongly about not buying things that I couldn’t prove hadn’t been made by little oppressed hands. Made me think about all sorts of stuff, like following where my food comes from and such. I love Thrifty’s but I just found out that many of their products that bear their name are made in random places in the world and it just gets me thinking that I should ask. Where does all the clothing and gifts being sold at Malibu come from, and where do they get their supplies to make said items? How ironic would it be if we were ”saving” these kids who have resources at their fingertips while selling them products that are directly contributing to the use, abuse and oppression of other kids who truly need some “saving”? Where are our lines that we are going to draw in the sand? What are we going to deem too difficult to live according to in order to ease our own comfort? I was talking to a staff guy last night in the office and he was curious about what book I was reading, so I told him a bit about it and he gave me the usual answer of the passion of youth. He still doesn’t know how old I am. And I’m sure that he means it, and he said that when he was younger he used to judge those around him and in his church but that the more he got to know them he saw their hearts and how they tithe every month and go on short term missions, and give generously to the missionaries that the church supports. At the heart of it, I agree with what he is saying in that we shouldn’t be judging our brothers and sisters and we should be heaping on grace for what we see as the fruit of a person’s life just as I would hope that people would heap grace on me for all my short-comings because the Lord knows better than everyone that I have not got anything figured out and that I’m just trying to go along as best as I can. What I really pull from what he said speaks exactly to what I was thinking, but evidently not able to communicate well, is that the more he got to know them the more he saw their hearts. That’s it exactly. That’s community. You aren’t going to be judging your brothers and sisters if you really know their hearts, and if there’s still junk in there that’s really hard to love then that will show you how to lift them up to the Lord and how to walk along side them, and maybe even point to junk that’s in you that you can work towards getting rid of so that they may see the change in you and the Lord can use the transformation that He’s done in you by removing that junk to encourage the brother or sister to fall at His feet with their junk because if you can do it then so can they. It’s knowing people. Which scares the crap out of me. Now, where I still fall into a deep sigh is when he explains the specifics that tell Rod that these people are “good Christians”, like tithing (it’s a good thing, sure), and short-term missions (which often does more for the person going on them than for the actual people in the area they are trying to serve because they’ve probably paid several thousands of dollars to go and if we just pooled that money and gave it to the locals then they could conceivably do more with it, and still build their house or school...and feed the village for a year, than the group arriving and then leaving could do), and then came the clincher for me of giving to other people to do the work. It is sitting heavier and heavier on me that it really does just alleviate the guilt that people may or may not realize they have. They don’t want to get their hands dirty. “I’m good, I’m saved, I’m supporting others to wipe bums, I’ve done my duty” is a really good way to keep the fear away. I know I do it. I don’t think that there is really anything that I have looked at in the past few days (and before that as well) that I get all fiery about that I don’t already see as a struggle for myself. I may say that people should know who is in need in their immediate surroundings and then do something directly to meet those needs (and not just drop off some clothes to the Sally Anne to make themselves feel better without having to actually go near a dirty bum), but I don’t even have any immediate surroundings! I mean, I do in that I exist on this plane of reality, but I haven’t stayed anywhere long enough to find out what those needs are or how to actually tangibly meet them, and get dirty. I read some this afternoon and ate some this afternoon, and talked to Christopher French some this afternoon, I fell asleep on the couch after watching some George some this afternoon. Then I went kayaking early this evening. It’s been stormy on and off today and it had finally cleared up some around 5 or so and I decided that after getting some soup that I would go for a little paddle. It was beautiful and peaceful and great to get out into the open. The lake was calm and reflecting the puffy clouds with the sun on them. A big ol storm cloud then moved in and I went back to shore. I met up with Katie Sue and her brother Carson, Kyle and their friend Henry. We had a nice fire out by the low ropes course and roasted marshmallows. Kyle and Carson then decided to make the fire big again and no more embers, but it took some doing cause all the wood was too wet. They had this buddy system of blowing on the fire to try and get it going, it was hilarious to watch. One would blow on it and then while they were taking a breath the next would blow in their place and then while they were taking a breath the first would come back in so that there was constant air being fed into the base of the fire. The rhythm of it just makes you want to giggle and I’m not sure if it was the reaction to the rhythm or the reaction to the boys giggling, possibly due to lack of oxygen in their brains, but we all ended up giggling. There was lots of smoke and not so much fire. Eventually it got going, but then we’d been waiting so long that we decided to break out the smokies again and they had seconds while I had a first. It was great to sit around the fire and joke and tell the odd story and laugh. It was real and great to be a part of. I’ve been walking around here and lamenting the fact that I left my good camera at home. I figured that it was such a short time that there wasn’t anything that I couldn’t really capture just on my dig, but there’s so many interesting points of view, and so many interesting shapes and forms around here, especially when we get a really good afternoon sun, that I’m quite distressed at the fact that I have nothing but a point and shoot to work with over the next month and a bit. Terribly sad. I’ve been watching some The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos. With it and the contemplative mood that I’ve been in and the book that I’ve been reading and that I’m still in a time of coming out of my experience in DC, I feel like my view of the world, the perception that I have of it as a whole is radically changing. I feel like I see patterns of behaviour, patterns of sin, patterns of organization and of fear, much clearer than I have ever. And yet I feel like I can’t express any of it for others to see it as well, it needs to come from their own experiences and understanding that the Lord will give them. I have no answers. Much of what the world is seems so complex for the most part, but I guess that the change has been coming that nothing seems that complex anymore. Much of it seems like such a simple thing that I almost can’t even grasp it. Instead of God being this huge, astronomical entity that is far to vast and large for my finite mind to capture or grasp, it’s almost like He’s opened Himself up to be the opposite and He’s such a simple and precise entity...that is far to minute for my finite mind to capture or grasp! It’s funny to me that all the words in English that have to do with significance have a connotation of largeness, of size. And anything small has a link to insignificance. I would imagine that that very basis of our language would have a major impact on our societal views as a whole. That would be a major case of language shaping the very culture and society that it comes from. The atom is so miniscule and yet has the greatest significance in our dimension and reality, being the very thing that our realities are made up of. Why is it that God is viewed in the biggest of things and why does that have such value to us? I would imagine that a geneticist, like the one who spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast, would have a completely different take on the “vastness” of God than what the rest of us could envision. I just tried to watch some of 30 Days where an atheist goes to live with a Christian family and I honestly cannot watch anymore of it. The Christian family has got their heads so far up in their own butts that they can’t stop for a second to listen to the views of another intelligent human being because it isn’t exactly in line with their own thinking. They take her to church and instead of listening to her very valid, very insightful views on the church service. They are so entrenched in their own culture that they cannot see the shortcomings of it, which would be able to then instill some change. And so my heart cries out to the Lord, “Lord bring your truth to the churches of North America. This culture and society is so dangerous, so very dangerous because there are many half truths and partial truths that make it seem like it’s all okay, but they are deceived and controlled by their own fear. How, Lord, how on earth can we break through to the people that they may see the truth”. One would expect that my prayer after the first sentence would be for some heathen people, some remote tribe of the Middle East or Africa, but this is my heart’s lament and cry for the “churches” of America. The churches of North America are the modern day Corinthian church! The ones that Paul greets as brothers and sisters and then continues to reprimand them for their actions, taking each other to court all the time, divisions and sectarianism, pride and judgment of others, sexual immortality that made the neighbouring pagans raise an eyebrow, self-righteousness and unwillingness to have any contact with “those other people” who are not brothers, taking advantage of Grace and Mercy to their own selfish gain and justification for sin they actively chose, divorce, discontent in their life standings, their fear of the hold of their previous gentile and polytheistic lives, idolatry, mocking the Lord’s supper in a “for religion’s sake” sort of a way, demon controlled in ecstasies while proclaiming that they were prophesying, giving greater importance to certain gifts, disorder in holy gatherings (ie. church), their shallow faith possibly believing even as the demons believe that He is God but have no love or honour for Jesus, even disbelief in the resurrection! If the church of today were to define what makes a believer, this last one, the belief in the resurrection is sort of a given for us all, and yet, Paul admonishes some in the Corinthian church of falling into this disbelief! He greets them as brothers even! And then he closes much of it off with “Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. Let all that you do be done with love.” (NKJV) These are his words for that people who had fallen into all the pitfalls listed above, and many more that don’t fit into nice little phrases for a complex sentence. And how much of the above sounds exactly like the church in North America?! So what should our admonitions be for such a church? How about a greeting in love, a desire to walk along side (as Paul wanted to come and spend the winter with them if the Lord allowed it) them and to teach them as they went, and an encouragement to stay strong in the faith and in the true knowledge of who the Christ is. That’s not the natural reaction that I would be expecting, nor do I think that I would be able to come up with it on my own. I fall in so many ways and have nothing together, and I would fall into the same pit of blasting them and writing them off in the “name of the Lord” as unworthy. Where, oh church, is your reaction to your brethren now? Will you claim yourselves better, more holy and therefore more justified in your rancor for the “unbelieving” than the Saint Paul? What is my own? I have no answers. up |
 |
I think that there’s something more about one thing that I said yesterday that as I thought about it before going to sleep last night it was like that was the catalyst for much of the discrepancy of what we see in the Church today. In Corinth, they had a shallow faith, believing in Jesus just as the demons do, believing that He is God and believing in what He did has power. Even the demons know that! But the demons serve another master. They quake at the sound of His name, and have chosen to not love Him. I fear to even write it. Is it possible that this is where we see the “Christians” say one thing with their mouth and refuse to do as He did? Do the people only believe in Him as the demons do, with little or no love in their hearts for the risen Messiah? It’s like people knowing John Clark. Some know him by name, say hi to him when they see him at a function and maybe even enjoy his company. Some know him a bit from talking with him at our place, like Amanda say, and quite enjoy him but if it weren’t for being friends with me, Ryan or Mum, they would probably not know anything about him. Some know him through business and see that he has a passion for what he does and that he is doing good. And then there is his family and true friends who know his very heart and he knows ours. We share a lot of the same passions, same inside jokes, same love and struggles with life. Some who know his heart will be his friends, like Rob Hirschfield, but Rob would certainly not snuggle up next to Dad on the couch...like I would. (Tee hee, the thought of Dad and Rob makes me giggle!!!) I know that I am his child, I know much of him (Mum knows more), of his loves, passions, dreams and hurts. And I know that I can snuggle up next to him anytime and that he would even die to keep me safe from harms way, as I would him. So how many people know God in this way? I would have to say, that based on the fruit of their lives, on the fear that captures them, that they know him the way Amanda knows my Dad, or know him the way Will Marsh knows my Dad. And this is where we see people not transformed by the very knowledge of Him. In prayer, they seek the answers, not His face. In devotions, they absolve from their religion, they don’t sit still to hear His small voice and again, seek His face. And the greatest of all these, that I have been fearing myself in the past day, is how do we make happen what we believe we hear the Lord say...on our strength? How do WE bring about the “Kingdom of God” or of Heaven so that He will be pleased with us? It’s not right thinking to try for it. In the 30 Days episode last night it was at the point when the atheist woman was questioning the use of the money in the church that I had to turn it off, because the response of the Christians was defensiveness (“What, are you saying there’s corruption in the church? Well where there’s people there’s imperfection” or something of the like, completely missing her point because she had never said anything about corruption...he naturally jumped to that conclusion...maybe based on something in his own conscience???), and then it was justification (“Well, the church does many good things in the community, like with women and children” and for these “good things” you need a multi-million dollar complex that everyone has to drive their SUV’s to? You can’t all just find a neighbour where you are and do those same good things with the people that you will actually initiate contact with?) I only rail against these things because I feel the call on my own life and maybe it a way to appease the guilt that I feel on my own inaction and self-justification with an incredibly lame reply of, “But I’m not as bad as them...” Weak, Michelle, very weak. Are we trying to release ourselves by claiming a selfless act vicariously through the work of others? “I go to a church that supports missionaries who work with orphans” and somehow that allots the “points” of those acts to ourselves. Here’s a pretty scary picture of the time when (not if, WHEN) Jesus will separate the sheep from the goats. “Hello Michelle. Did you feed me?” “Well, I gave to the food bank and they said they would feed street people so, yeah, I did” “Good try, but you didn’t do it. Did you give me something to drink?” “Well, I gave to World Vision for a new well in Africa in some village, but I don’t know where, so yeah, I did” “That was a very nice thing to do, but you distance yourself from the people and didn’t see those next to you dying in the summer time. Did you bring me in out of the cold and give me a place to stay?” ”Now, hold on. I couldn’t just let some stranger into my place! My mother would kill me for putting myself in danger like that, they could have hurt me or taken my stuff. Besides, there’s Streetlink that knows how to deal with the people better than I do, so they did it.” “By your own fear, you didn’t. Did you look after me when I was sick?” “I gave at church on Missions Sunday and there was a woman who was working in a leper colony in India that we gave for. But beyond that, I don’t know what to do. I took my friends some chicken soup when they had a cold. And bodies are oozy sometimes and that’s kinda gross. And what if I caught something, and died? I wouldn’t have been able to live a full life for You.” “Time does not denote fullness. Quality is more important than quantity. So should I even ask if you came to visit me in prison? Did you even make friends with those who are marginalized by the culture that I put you into?” “Well, just the one friend, but he never let me know when he was there, and he had done most of his time by the time he let me be his friend.” “You didn’t reach out. You’ve done some good things in my name but you closed your ears when I told you to open your eyes to see the people I had put around you. You have no excuses. I was always beside you to give you the strength that you needed, but I lacked flesh in your time and I needed you to be my flesh...and your weren’t. Next.” Matthew 25:34 I don’t like that possibility. Of course, I do have to put in for Grace, which I think is still captured there, to the extent that the actions of my life thus far have warranted. But there must be a limit to Grace when we knowingly step away from what He is calling us to. Or is the line of Grace seen in the missed opportunities of blessings that He would like to have given us. Sort of a, “I called you to do this and this and these great things and you would have had the blessing of being a part of them, of knowing without a doubt of my power and that you were My hands, but you didn’t listen and you shut your ears and so I gave it to Betty over here who listened”. I would hope that that would be the only line and that there would be enough Grace to continue to keep me from the pits of hell. Not the most exciting outlook on the after life, “Maybe I can just squeeze through”, and I would hope for the gates to swing wide as the Faithful entering the Kingdom would include me!!!! And all those in those impersonal, organized, homogenized, churches. The thing about Grace is that it puts us all on equal footing. How is it that a good and gracious God could possibly consider that I could be of any use? Me, Michelle. What do I know? The fearful of people that they would reject me before they give me a chance, the odd look of “what is she talking about?” when I tell a story. The one who messes up at every turn and is unable to get free in her own mind and actions from the most basic of disciplines. Who cannot decide with determination what she truly wants from life, that the things of this world continue to call to her and to woo her away from what she knows to her very soul to be her greatest desire, to live as boldly for the Lord as His Mercy deserves. I fall low and beat my chest and say, “Lord have mercy, I am not worthy, do not look on me but I beg of you to never turn me away”. As we approach the throne with fear and trembling, we will see the truth of each other, that we are in need of just as much mercy and grace as the next. up |
|
We had another school group arrive today. They got in around 9:45 and were all so very well behaved. The woman in charge is a little high maintenance, but is really nice and great to work with. I helped out with the Zip harnessing and then went and stood on the shore so that BJ could go out and play with the kids in the boats. We launched the Blob and I made friends with the lifeguard to see if I could create enough rapport with her to get her to come back to guard for us when we need one. I felt like a lot of the day was spent going from random thing to random thing, but it felt good to do, like that my job was being fulfilled in the interactions that I had with the people around me and the small services being done rather than on a large scale production of work. I shared in the morning about Matthew 25 and how when Jesus will separate the people based on whether they fed, clothed and cared for the people around them, and how I would hope that we would extend that to how we treat the people around us as well and that we need to see Jesus in every annoying 12 year old, and every staff member. How would we approach that person, how would we interact with them? What if the questions Jesus asked us were, “Were you nice to me? Did you treat me with respect? Did you ignore my existence?” I felt like I wasn’t able to really connect with them this morning on it, so I’m not sure what I’m doing in talking to the group that creates the disconnect. Maybe it’s just the fact that it’s a group, or maybe I’m jumping too far ahead in my own brain and the words to get to that point aren’t coming out of my mouth in order to make that connection for everyone else. That does tend to happen. I had a great talk with Mum tonight, for like an hour, and it was awesome to hear that the Lord is taking her and Terri on the same sort of a path as he is me. She mentioned that Terri was looking at pairing down her stuff and that both had been struck by the same Matthew 25 verse of clothe, give drink, feed, visit verse as I had been thinking about. I love that the Lord mobilizes His troops who are listening to Him, in the same way so that there’s this great force being propelled by the Spirit, and then it will be a Spirit that is united. We couldn’t organize something like that, cause as much as you can organize and try to mobilize, you cannot inspire unless it is coming from a true inspiration from within. We cannot make change happen from the outside towards the inside, it must always come from the inside out. Like when I would talk to people about Smokers’ Rock and how appalled they would be that we allow kids to smoke at Malibu. I would rather they have an inner conviction and an inner confidence that would allow them the freedom to walk away from it. So it got me excited to hear of the work that He’s doing in Mum’s heart because I was only coming off as cold and calloused and self-righteous when I was trying to get her inspired and excited about letting the things of this earth go. She’s being drawn into thinking more and more about Duncan and how to really feed the people there, literally feed them, not some airy fairy spiritual notion of feeding them, while they can’t concentrate over their hunger pains. Let’s put some food in their bellies and give them the clothes off our backs, and through these acts of Love, the Spirit will move in their hearts in the way that He knows how. Gets me excited to head back to the island, and really, really scared too because I really don’t know how much this is all going to cost and whether I’m strong enough to take it all on and truly stick with the commitment that I would need to make to Him to allow Him everything, and yet there’s no other option for me because to choose anything else would be pure rebellion. up |
|
Sarah had an anxiety attack last night and woke me up around 1. We talked it through and prayed. I was amazed at how much she wanted to share and delve into herself and her struggles. It still surprises me when people are willing to talk when there is willingness to listen. So this morning I filled in for her. It was good fun and I feel really attached to these kids. I know a lot of the names and many know mine now. I got to do some canoe and kayak instruction first. I hate not being able to get into the boats with the kids and that we have to stay on the shore for emergency help. That’s pooey. How are we even going to know if they need help if we aren’t with them, and I would honestly much rather do a boat over boat rescue in a kayak with them, than to have to go out in a dingy way after the fact to try and bail them out. But such is life. Then I went to the climbing wall to belay for a couple of hours. I loved it. It’s been a while, but I was happy with how much I remembered. I just had to hold back a bit and watch Dave Clark do it so that I knew how they did it here and for a little memory kick start. Dave Horton watched for a bit and told me the technique they use here so I did that from then on. Good times. The kids were pretty cute and some were really scared. Then I hit the office for a bit, but didn’t accomplish very much at all. We were long in getting dishes done at night, I need to put more people on for each meal next week! By the time we got back to the Waterfront, the cleaning process was well underway. After cleaning, most of us sat in the lounge while BJ and Kyle jammed on guitar and hand drum. Really talented kids. All these kids are darn cool and all have this great deal of depth to them, it’s good to see and to remember that it’s the norm. For a while there I was starting to think that what I had had in my life and in my twenties was a rarity. I’m glad that it isn’t, and it may just be the type of people that this type of place draws unto itself, but it’s still good to see. I felt like I was in a bit of a time warp, like I was experiencing it through 20’s eyes, but enjoying it from afar as someone a part of it but having participated before. A few of us then put on X-Men 2 and I should have gone to bed about an hour and a half earlier than I am.
up |
|
This morning I slept in till about 11, didn’t get to sleep very quickly last night...it was light out. I headed to the can drive for Cans for Kids to send kids to Ness Lake. It was good fun. A little gross at times, but good. We had bad rock and roll radio on in the background. When we were dismantling the tent, I started rocking out to Kim Mitchel “I am a wild party” and Dave was like, “Well, then, I guess we can make another good guess at your age by that!” After sorting cans and taking everything down, we loaded into the truck for the grocery store where I bought too much food and treats that I will get fat off of and to drop off the tent supplies. Back at camp there was a big Volunteers Thank You dinner that maxed out the staff, funny how that works. And by then I had a massive head ache and was fried chicken. I need to sleep really well tonight because I feel myself drowning a bit. I feel that a lot of it has to do with the taking back of control over my life that I’ve gone through in the last several hours. I find my mind distracted and just quite wrong in my thinking and values and hopes. It’s funny how quickly I can switch, feels manic at times. Where does this desperation to be loved come from in me? Why is there so much control there? So it’s almost like the more I strayed throughout the day in my thinking, the more tired I got, the more my head hurt, the more I was bogged down by the interactions and this place. Before I was energized at the thought of a new group coming in. Now it just kind of scares me and make my eyes heavy. Everything must be done on His strength, on His trust. It must all be given over and then I find myself in the midst of this massive rebellion and independence and pride. Nasty, nasty rebellion. I want the best of all worlds. I want to make my life what I want it to look like, and then I want to give it all up and live off nothing to please the Lord, to be with the destitute, and then to be comfortable and loved and happy in my cocoon. Todd said it last time we had dinner, “Sounds like you don’t know what you want” and I thought shortly after it’s that I do know what I want but I don’t know what it looks like, but tonight I think I’ll take that a step further and say that I know what I want, I want all sides of the dichotomy (which should only have 2 sides by the nature of the word, but I don’t know what other use there to use, multichotomy?). I want the cocoon of existence with another, the quiet bed and the laughter and fun, and I want to please my God, but they cannot coincide. So I know what I want but I’m unwilling to pay the cost of either side.
up |
|
I got to sleep for a good long time last night and this morning. I’ve spent much of the day getting things coded so I can post them quickly to my little spot on the internet, takes so much longer than what I would hope but I often have to edit for appropriateness and to protect others privacy and such. It’s not very fair to talk about things that others are struggling with in a public place. I wouldn’t want my stuff out in someone else’s spot. I hadn’t really realized how imbalanced I can be and amazing how with so much written and there, there’s still so much more that resides in there somewhere that I can’t get out and have no words for. Amanda and Marc bought a VW on Friday night. It’s orange. I have a big week coming up. Lots of people. Lots of different groups, and I still need to serve into the group here to make sure they have all their spiritual, emotional and physical needs met (thanks for the saying, Kel! I use it often cause it’s such a good one.) This will be the week where the rubber meets the road and we’ll see what the Lord can do to actually not just keep me afloat, but to launch me and take care of people without me even realizing it. That would be my hope. That I don’t even know a portion of how He has loved on people around me so that I am unable to boast of anything in myself and only of Him. I’m going to go find a left-over burger or something in the walk-in. up |
|
What I learned from kids today. We are all desperate to be loved, but we just get better and better at hiding it as we get older. Most kids aren’t and we see that desperation for attention and love when they talk to us here. It barely matters what we talk about, it matters that we talk with them. We need to genuinely love those around us, otherwise we could talk and talk and talk at them about God, about life, about anything and it will be like a resounding Gong to their ears if there is not love. I see it so clearly in this moment that it really is the most important thing, and above all these is love. If I don’t love those kids and give that to them when I look into their eyes, then they know and they feel it right away and nothing I say will make a difference. In this time of school rentals, we really do have the most amazing opportunity to love on them and share Jesus with them, with our eyes full of love, His love, as we look into theirs and talk about the fish in the lake, or how scary the Jungle Swing is. I see it in how Doug interacts with the kids, high fives off the Jungle Swing and all. And then to hear today, BJ tell about how the kids were all, “Do it the way Doug does it! Do it the way Doug does it!” They have been loved on by him. To have Eldin ask me to join them for supper, “I really want you to join us for supper”, because he knows in the way that I have looked in his eyes that he is loved by me, and he truly is. up |
|
The kids this week were just so super great. I shared this morning about my thoughts from last night and our need to have Love and the action of love, on these kids. I felt like it went really well. It was a really good day, but long and not without it’s perils. I got to teach Canoeing and Kayaking this morning and it was nice to sit out there on the dock while Kyle went in the boats with them.
Amy is a new girl here and we just had the best convo. I talked a lot about my time in Europe and great stories and such, but we really connected on the points of living beyond the usual or the normal and she shared about some of her love and passion for kids and particularly to help kids realize that they can take on life through training in the woods and nature. She’s seen where they learn something and then it’s like they can take on the world because they’ve been encouraged to try and act and been successful in it, even if they’ve made some mistakes along the way. It feels like we’ve lost the ability on a massive scale to really interact with the kids. There’s lots of great parents and great teachers out there. But it’s like they’re just doing their best to stand against the wave. The way that our entire society and culture is framed and constructed is completely un or de powerizing the kids. They have no place and no power with which to interact with their realities. I see it clearly up here even for myself, that when I’m unplugged, the trees seem more real, the lake is more present. I’m more present in my interactions with people and the reality of who they are. The unplugging, and the limited sugar which has been upped lately and now I’m feeling more hazy.
up |
|
I am so tired. I get to the point in the middle of the week where I have lost all clarity and I’m just trying to hold on for dear life. I know that my interactions with people are no where what I would like them to be and my work is not up to the standard of what I would like, but without pulling myself from some of my more major things (like supporting the staff beyond just scheduling) I don’t know how to recharge to get back up to that point. Rob Duyker emailed me today to ask if I would still consider doing Food Services and I would love to know that I could say yes, but my brain is so divided and all I can think about is going back to Victoria for at least the summer and about how exhausted I will be at the end of it all. I remember now the constant draw on my attention at every given moment, and I’m aware now when I do it to another. It’s not like they would necessarily notice it because they’re living within this random place of dealing with things as quickly as possible. I don’t see how we can continue to deal with the amounts of things that come at us in a day (and my load right now really is minimal) while keeping up this ideal of how to deal with things and people. I see now, from the other side of it, where I had such a struggle dealing with only the task and not the person a part of it, there would be glimmers of hope and clarity, but mostly it was all overwhelming that you have to deal with the issue or the task first because if you tried to just deal with the person first then the time would be gone and there would be another on top of it right away. Not that there should be any throwing the baby out with the bath water, but that the reality of the balance of person to task is severely limited as the numbers and intensity increase. And to deal with a task or issue quickly and easily, I believe, is still a huge and incredibly important service to the staff that you’re serving. If you’re just concerned with dealing with them, and not in getting this or that done that they’ve brought to you as a problem, then you’re no actually doing them any service. If one of the guys here comes to me and says that they aren’t comfortable doing this activity, I could delve into things with them, but the greatest service I can do for them right at that moment is to re-schedule quickly so that their mind is at ease.
The mosquitoes are in full force here now. It’s hatch week. They started on Friday morning. Thursday night last week, not so much, pretty much none, like one or two. By Monday it was a free for all. Now, they have moved into our room and I can hear them buzzing about my head. I don’t have near the amount of bites as some of the other girls, but then I’ve been able to avoid the forest all together.
up |