Harry slumped back in his chair and released an audible sigh of relief. It was over, and he had made it through the exams alive. Better yet, he had a good feeling that he passed his N.E.W.Ts, and now he had the opportunity to do anything that he wanted.
The problem was that he was in a bit of a limbo. He had no idea what he wanted to do in life. His blindness did cut many things off the list of things that he could do, but his list of opportunities still seemed endless.
Well, at least he knew he had one offer on his proverbial plate: he had just come from Albus' office. Albus had offered him the position of the Muggle Studies teacher. The current professor was leaving because his mother was terminally ill, and he wanted to spend as much time as possible with her before she died.
Harry really appreciated the offer, but he knew what Albus was really trying to do; he was trying to get him and Severus to try and work things out.
Harry loved the old wizard dearly, but he knew that Albus' plan wouldn't work. Unless Severus was willing to place some trust in him, their relationship was too one-sided to work. Plus, they were both sleeping with other people, so that put a kink in the entire situation.
Harry thought about all of the hurt, the problems, the lies and half- truths. He had honestly thought that they could make it through anything, but that was before the self-sabotage by Severus. The funny thing was that the further their relationship progressed, the more closed-mouthed Severus became, while Harry had done the opposite.
Their entire situation might have been hilarious if it hadn't hurt so damned much.
That meant that as tempting as Albus' offer was, it was out, which meant that Harry had to find something else to do, something far away from Hogwarts and Hogsmeade.
Harry slumped down further in his chair. He knew that Sirius and Remus wouldn't be happy with his decision. They'd wanted him to stay nearby, so that they could spend time with him, which really translated into "so they could watch over him". That was something that Harry didn't want either. He didn't want them popping over every five minutes to see if he was okay, and he didn't want them fretting over him.
All in all, he just needed to get away from everything. He needed to go out on his own, to see if he could actually function in a normal, ordinary life without the barrage of helpers he'd had since the day he became blind.
A tap on the door pulled Harry out of his decision-pondering, and he slid up to sit in his chair properly. 'Who is it?' he called out.
'It's Sirius, your handsome, intelligent, witty father,' came the reply.
Harry smirked and waved his wand toward the door. 'Come in,' he said as he laughed. 'You have a high opinion of yourself, haven't you?'
'Only the best,' Sirius quipped. 'An owl came for you in the Great Hall. I thought I should bring it to you.'
'Who is it from?' Harry asked curiously.
'Ana,' Sirius told him, placing the letter into Harry's hand.
Harry flinched a bit. Right before his N.E.W.Ts, he'd thought long and hard about his therapy sessions with the witch. While he thought that she was a fine person, and a good therapist, he didn't feel that talking to her was doing him any good. Therefore, against everyone's better judgement, he had called off the sessions.
Sirius had been more than a little irritated, since Harry's chance of regaining his sight could be increased with the sessions, but since Harry was unwilling to talk, there was no point in wasting the witch's time, when she could be helping someone else who wanted it.
Sirius knew why Harry had stopped the sessions, even if Harry wouldn't admit it. Sirius had always suspected that Harry's loss of sight was somehow linked to his relationship with Severus, even if he hadn't ever said it out loud.
Sure enough, when Harry and Ana had talked out everything, and the only thing left was his relationship with Severus, Harry became silent on the subject more and more, until he wouldn't talk about it at all. All he would say was that his relationship with Severus was in the past, and he wouldn't talk about it anymore, because it no longer mattered. When Sirius would question him, he'd say the same thing to his father, who always had the urge but never quite pointed out that that was the same thing that Severus was doing to Harry.
Harry walked over to his desk and sat down, opening the parchment. Ana's letters to him were always written in Braille. Placing his hands at the top, he began to read:
Dear Harry,
I hope that you are well. It's not been that long, but I have to admit that I miss our time together. You are an exceptional young man, and I hope that whatever you endeavour to do, you will do it successfully.
I wish that you would let me help you, but I understand if you are not ready to discuss Severus Snape with me. When you are ready, please contact me. I will always be available to you.
I hope that your N.E.W.Ts went splendidly. Take care of yourself.
Ana
'What did she have to say?' Sirius asked as Harry folded the parchment again and slipped the letter into his desk.
'Nothing, really. She just hoped that I would do well on my tests, and that I'm successful in my new career, whatever that is,' Harry said.
'I'm sure you did just fine,' Sirius said, knowing that questioning his son further wasn't a good idea. 'I also came by here because we want to take you out to dinner, in Muggle London.'
'That would be great,' Harry said, turning toward Sirius and smiling. 'Just the three of us?' he asked hopefully. He loved his friends, but right now he just wanted to spend time with his family.
'Yes, of course,' Sirius said. He himself had been hoping that it would just be the three of them, but he wouldn't deny Harry if he had wanted Draco, Ron, and Hermione to come along. 'Get yourself ready, and Remus and I will be at your door in about two hours.
'Brilliant,' Harry said, walking over to his closet to find something to wear. 'I'll be ready.' He started searching the wardrobe for some black trousers and a nice shirt. Luckily, all the house-elves now used tags on his clothing, telling him which piece of clothing was which. These tags were charmed to say the words written on them whenever the tag was touched.
'Fine. I'll just go tell Remus,' Sirius said, walking out and closing the door behind him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two weeks later, Sirius was in Harry's room once again, this time for a less pleasant reason.
'Harry, are you absolutely certain that this is what you want to do?' Sirius asked as he watched his son finish packing the last of his things. He had offered to help, but Harry wouldn't allow it. He wanted to do everything himself.
'Yes, I'm certain. Part of me, a huge part, would love to stay, but this is something that I have to do, something I need to do for me. I need to be on my own for a while. I'd stay, if things were different…'
Sirius knew that Harry was speaking of Severus. He said nothing, however. Harry knew how he felt on the subject and he refused to cause his son any unnecessary pain.
'You're taking the Marauder's Map?' Sirius asked as he watched Harry place the familiar piece of parchment in his trunk, along with his photo album and Invisibility Cloak.
'Yes. I promised Severus that once I was finished with school, the map would be retired. If future generations want a map of their own, they can figure out how to make one on their own, like you, Remus, and my father did.'
'You could give it to Remus and me. After all, we are Padfoot and Moony,' Sirius replied.
Harry chuckled. 'I promised him that neither of you would get the map. He knows that somehow the map would find its way into some mischievous student's hands again. And quit pouting, it won't work.'
'How did you know?'
'I can hear you pouting all the way over here,' Harry joked. 'I know you too well, Dad. Now stop it.'
Sirius laughed. 'All right. I'll go see if Remus has finished packing.'
Harry nodded. 'I'm going down to say goodbye to Severus while you're doing that.'
'Are you sure that's wise?' Sirius asked, concerned about Harry's well being. He knew that Harry had been dreading the thought of being alone with Severus since the day he found his ex-lover's new lover in Severus' bed.
Harry smiled, knowing full well why Sirius was asking. 'Yes, I'm sure. I owe it to both of us. I love him, Dad, even after everything we've been through. I have to say goodbye.'
'Do you want me to go with you? I don't mean in to see him, but see you down to the dungeons?'
Harry shook his head and closed his trunk. That was yet another reason he needed to leave. He loved his family and friends dearly, but they always acted as if he couldn't do almost anything without their help. He needed to be out on his own, to prove to himself and to them that he was not some helpless doll that needed to be on strings in order to function. He knew that they meant well, but it was irritating. Sighing inwardly, he realised that was something that Severus had never done. To Sirius, he said, 'This is something that I have to do myself. I do appreciate the offer, though.'
'Anything for you, my son. We'll go as soon as you're ready. Good luck with the greasy bastard.'
'Do shut up,' Harry said, turning toward Sirius and giving his father a wavering smile. 'Thanks.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry raised his hand and knocked on the door of Severus' office. He hadn't been alone with his former lover, even when they were having their private Potions lessons. There had always been someone with them, but this was one thing that Harry had to do alone...say goodbye.
'Come in,' came the terse reply from behind the door. Harry opened the door and carefully stepped in. Tabitha, his Crup, yipped happily when she saw Severus.
'Harry, what are you doing here?' Severus asked, surprised. He looked behind Harry, but saw no one. 'No one came with you?'
Harry shook his head. 'No, they didn't. I wanted to see you, to say goodbye. We're leaving in a bit, and I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye.'
'I see,' Severus said, putting down his parchment. He knew that this day was coming, but he had hoped that this was a conversation that they would never have. He'd known from the first that it was foolish to think that their relationship would survive, and he had been right. Still, he had hoped...
'Have you decided what to do yet?' Severus asked calmly, though he was anything but calm. He was sure that he wouldn't see Harry again, and with the way that his nephew had been acting, it was likely that Harry would converse more with Draco than he would.
Harry shook his head. 'I have a few options, but I haven't decided just yet. I've still got time.'
'Yes, you do.' Severus sighed, sadness nearly overwhelming him. 'The castle just won't be the same without you, Weasley, and Granger running about, trying to solve mysteries and getting into endless amounts of trouble.'
Harry laughed softly. 'I'm going to miss this place. It's always been home for me, but I knew I'd have to leave sometime.'
'Didn't Albus offer you the Muggle Studies position?' Severus asked, careful to keep all tinges of hope out of his words.
'He did, but I turned it down. I don't think I'm ready for that, and besides, I couldn't stay here.'
'I think you'd be able to handle yourself quite well, and I don't see that it would be a problem staying here,' Severus muttered.
Harry frowned slightly and felt his way over to where he knew Severus' desk was. He followed it around, until he was next to Severus. 'You know why I can't stay here,' he whispered.
'I don't see why not,' Severus snapped. 'You would be an excellent choice for the position, and the students would love to have you as a professor.'
'And I would have to stay near you, without ever having you,' Harry replied, reaching out and touching Severus' hair. 'I couldn't live like that, knowing that you were so near, knowing that I couldn't have you.'
'Why not? Why can't we work through this?' Severus asked, unable to keep himself from leaning his head into the hand that was stroking his hair.
'Will you tell me what you're hiding?' Harry asked. When he received nothing but stony silence, he sighed wearily. 'That's why. We've been through this so many times. We've beaten this problem until it's almost unrecognizable, and it still comes down to one thing. You won't trust in me enough to confide in me.'
'Then go. I knew you would,' Severus snapped, sitting back in his chair. 'I never expected that this relationship would go anywhere.'
'I did, but now there's just too much between us. If it's not the distrust, it's Armand and Bill.' Sighing, Harry leant down and cupped Severus' face in his hands. He slowly brought his lips to Severus', kissing him softly. 'I'll miss you,' he whispered. 'I really do love you.'
'Then stay,' Severus whispered hoarsely.
'I can't,' Harry said, his eyes tearing up. 'Not unless you trust me. I'm tired of not being trusted. I'm tired of secrets. I'm tired of the lies. I can live with a lot of things, but not these, not anymore. I do love you, though, and I know that you love me, but it's not enough, not anymore. I just need more than you're willing to give.'
'Goodbye, Mr Potter,' Severus said coolly, getting up and stepping away from his former lover. 'Have a nice life. I don't expect I'll be seeing you again.'
Harry walked over to Severus and pulled him into his embrace. Then he leant back and brought his lips to Severus' again, in a more urgent kiss. Before Severus could respond, Harry broke away.
Harry fought back his tears. He wouldn't cry, not now. 'Be happy, Severus,' he whispered. 'Come along, Tabitha,' Harry said to his Crup. The dog got up, yipped at Severus again, and led Harry out thedoor.
Even if Harry had his eyesight, he wouldn't have turned back to see the tear slid down Severus' cheek. 'Goodbye,' Severus whispered to no one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An hour after Harry left Severus in his office, Harry left Hogwarts with Sirius and Remus, and it would be over two years before he and Severus set eyes on each other again.
In the meantime, life did go on, even if they both wished for nothing more than the comfort of crawling into a nice warm bed and staying there until their inevitable deaths.
Harry didn't wish to remain in the wizarding world, at least on a continual basis. It was in part because the reporters still followed him around, as did the people that insisted upon knowing all about Voldemort's defeat, but he wanted to leave mostly because he couldn't bear the thought of running into Severus.
So, Harry decided that the best course of action would be to work with the blind. He quickly found work at a privately owned school that helped those that had become blind after adolescence, whether by accidental means or illness. The owner of the school was a mediwizard who had decided he was more needed in the Muggle world. Knowing who Harry was and knowing of his blindness through colleagues, he had been eager to hire Harry, not because he was famous, but because he had persevered. He knew that Harry could be an inspiration for those who suffered as he had.
Harry worked mostly as an assistant to the teachers, helping the students with whatever the teachers requested, such as helping them learn Braille, write letters. After a while, it became a job that he enjoyed, but he missed the wizarding world terribly. Many times he wished that he had taken the position as professor of Muggle Studies, but the very thought of being so close to his love without the ability to be with him was too much.
The biggest drawback of near isolation from the wizarding world was that Harry didn't get to see his family and friends nearly as much as he wanted. Sirius and Remus came to see him as often as possible, but during the school year, it was difficult for them to get away.
Draco, surprisingly, was now in charge of all his father's businesses, much to Narcissa's outrage. Upon the death of Lucius Malfoy (who had finally taken his own life while in Azkaban), certain documents held by Gringotts were opened, revealing that Lucius Malfoy had indeed left most of his assets and fortune to his son, as a last insult to Narcissa. Narcissa couldn't reverse the documents because of the papers she had signed before they were married, signifying that all decisions about their estate would be granted to Lucius, and she would abide his decisions. Little did she know that she would outlast the bastard.
Of course, Draco got immense pleasure in throwing Narcissa out of the manor, which had also been given to him. He had taken all that he wanted from his childhood home, allowed his family and friends to take whatever they wished (giving first choices to Severus, of course), told the staff of Hogwarts to take whatever they liked, sold the rest, and sold the manor. Draco and Fred now lived together in a two-story home in Hogsmeade and were happy.
Unfortunately, with all of Draco's work, it didn't leave him much free time, so Harry had only seen him a handful of times in the last two years.
Ron was busy, training in mediwizardry, so studying took up most of his time at St. Mungo's. He'd been obsessed with the medical profession ever since Harry's attack, and his parents couldn't be happier or prouder of their son and his choice of profession.
Hermione was at university, studying medicine as well, but her focus was on Muggle medicine, while Ron concentrated on the magical. Her thinking was that if they each concentrated on their specific parts, together she and Ron may be able to make some breakthrough that would benefit both Muggles and wizards alike.
Harry was thrilled for his friends, but even with the constant stream of letters, he was still lonely. The only person he saw on a regular basis was Bill, who showed up once a month for a weekend, occasionally stopping by for a few hours.
After Harry left Hogwarts, their agreement stayed the same: friendship with benefits, nothing more. It was a good agreement for both, and it saved Harry from being too lonely. He liked spending time with Bill, and the sex was fun and quite good, but he could never fall in love with the redhead. His heart belonged to Severus, even if they were no longer together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Severus had been devastated when Harry left, though he was careful to never let it show. He immediately went about his normal business, as if Harry Potter had never made any kind of impact upon his life. He happily ignored the fact that no one believed him.
He spent most of that first summer without Harry working on catching up with the potions Madam Pomfrey needed and continuing his research on the Wolfsbane potion. He had improved it significantly, true, but he was determined to make it even better. When Albus casually suggested that he was doing it as an indirect way to show Harry that still cared about him and his family, Severus threatened to put an Itching potion in all of Albus' socks. Albus, to Severus' never- ending infuriation, just smiled, his eyes filled with that same happy, knowing twinkle.
One surprise to him was that his nephew did spend much time with him, even though their relationship was strained at times. Draco still hadn't got over the fact that Severus had found a new lover. Draco had fully expected his uncle and Harry to have lived the rest of their lives together, and he couldn't accept the fact that it was now over, for good, or so Severus kept telling him. Of course, Draco never showed up when he knew that Armand was coming over, and any time that he walked in and found Armand there, he said hello, quickly made his excuses, and left.
Severus appreciated Armand all the more when he realised that Draco's rudeness really had no effect on the man. When he asked why Draco's coldness didn't bother him, Armand had told him that once, he had a relationship not unlike Harry and Severus'. He had been in Harry's position, just a few years older than Harry, and his lover had been older, wiser, more experienced, and had also closed off most of himself as well. Armand also told Severus that at that time, he had been very insecure in himself and their relationship. Most of those feelings had stemmed from his home life in his youth. His father had been a drunkard, abusive toward his mother and him, but especially toward his sister. Though they hadn't known it until a few months after it started, his father had been raping his older sister. When his mother finally found out, she called the Ministry of Magic in Spain, and they had sent his father to a prison not unlike Azkaban. He still dwealt there, half out of his mind, and he still had twenty more years to serve.
Armand's abuse had been more physical and verbal, and as a result, he didn't have much self-esteem. When this older, handsome, elegant man had shown interest in him, he was quick to grab that attention, and the need affection turned into love and passion. His lover was much like Severus, especially in the fact that he desired to keep his past personal, and shared little information with Armand. In his insecurity, Armand assumed that the man didn't care for him as much as he'd thought, and the relationship eventually ended in an ugly manner.
When Armand had told him this, Severus couldn't help but wonder if that was the same way that Harry had felt. Did Harry think that he didn't love him simply because he refused to tell him about Lucius? Was Harry so insecure that he thought that Severus' inability to open up was somehow a slight against him?
It didn't matter, Severus had realised. Harry was gone, and he was having an affair with Bill Weasley. Severus had no doubt that Harry was quite happy with his new life, wherever it was.
Severus didn't know where Harry was. He never asked, and that was information that Sirius, Remus, and Draco weren't offering.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All in all, the next couple of years passed by without any incidents, and Harry and Severus tried their best to get on with their lives, to forget about the other....until the night before Harry's 20th birthday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry came home from work, tired but happy. He and the rest of the staff had finally made a breakthrough with a particularly difficult boy, who didn't want to admit that he was never going to see again.
Harry could sympathise with the young man, since he had been in the same position only a few years ago, but this boy was especially stubborn. It finally sunk in while the boy was trying to play the guitar, something that he'd always loved to do. His blindness became real when he realized that he couldn't see the music and he couldn't see the positioning of his fingers. It had scared him and he had finally let out his anger, frustration, and his sorrow.
But then, when he was at his lowest, Harry had been able to help. One of the things that he'd had to learn was how to play the guitar without seeing, and while it had taken some getting used to, it hadn't been that difficult, and Harry realized that most of the time, he had never even looked at his fingers while playing.
Harry had gone to the boy and started playing, and when he was done, he told the young man how he had learnt to play again, and he also told the boy that he could learn as well. Harry had said that there was a nurse in the centre who helped the blind learn how to play music, and when Harry had left for the day, the nurse and the boy were in the music room, talking. Harry thought that this was a most pleasing early birthday present. He always enjoyed it when he was able to help someone.
Once Harry let himself into his home, he locked the door behind him and took off his jacket, putting it in its usual place, and then he went into the kitchen. He hadn't had a great lunch, and he was ravenous.
Harry heard Tabitha bark upstairs. 'I'm home, Tabitha,' he yelled. He sat down on a chair and laughed when Tabitha came bounding down the stairs and threw herself at him. 'Did you have a good day, my friend?'
Tabitha barked happily and went to her water dish. Harry opened the icebox door and felt for a drink and the sandwich that he had made earlier that morning, which he had forgotten to take with him to work. 'This will do until I can make a proper dinner,' he told Tabitha.
After eating his sandwich, Tabitha barked at him urgently.
Harry smiled. 'Oh, yes, I should let you out, since I don't want you to make a mess all over the rug.'
Tabitha barked and ran to the door. Harry grabbed his cane and opened the door. He laughed when he heard Tabitha run out, barking like mad. He knew that she wouldn't leave the garden, so he wasn't worried.
Harry walked to the centre of his small garden and waited patiently, humming to himself. He knew that Bill was scheduled to come over for the weekend, and he was glad for it. He'd been a bit lonely, with only a dog to talk to.
He wished that he could forget Severus. He wished that he could fall in love with someone else, but Harry knew that it was useless. Severus was the one he wanted, but he didn't know what to do about it. He didn't even know if Severus still cared about him.
Harry was thinking about these things so intently that he never even heard the car run up over the kerb. He turned abruptly when he heard the car hit the garden fence, but it was too late and he was too surprised to do anything, even try to Disapparate.
He fell into unconsciousness before he ever hit the side of his house.