Courtesy of Haven
Imagine there is a ship sinking in the Bermuda Triangle. Aboard are the following people: Mulder, Scully, Skinner, CSM, Krycek, Fowley, The Lone Gunmen: Byers, Langley and Frohike, MR. X, Deep Throat and Agent Spender. Suspiciously, there is only one lifeboat and it can seat only four people. They only have ten minutes to cut it down and get in before the ship sinks, but there’s no time to check for boobytraps on the lifeboat.
Now, who is going to stay on the ship and who is going into the lifeboat? Be as creative as you can if you like.
Do you want to kill off Fowley or Agent Spender? Will Scully and Mulder get into the lifeboat, knowing that they don’t have time to check the lifeboat? What about Krycek, Skinner and the Lone Gunmen?
Scully calls everyone to a cabin to tell everyone she has some important news. Skinner and Mulder guard the door so no one gets out and everyone is accounted for. She takes out her briefcase (Mulder never has one), pulls out those latex gloves she always likes to snap on (for no reason), opens up her laptop (she’s always ready) and pulls out some a large file full of paperwork (which Mulder never reads for some reason.) She throws the file on the desk all 400 pages of it. She turns on the spare cellphone she has and places it on the table.
SCULLY: Okay, everyone, I just conducted a DNA test on everyone here. (Everyone is shocked, especially CSM) How you say? When we were standing around waiting to board this stupid sinking ship, I took blood samples of everyone. You guys thought it was the mosquitoes, but that was me. I ran the tests while everyone was asleep.
KRYCEK: Ratboy never sleeps, DANA. (Krycek give Scully a mischievous smile. Mulder hits him in the head with a mousetrap, which he keeps just in case Krycek is around.) Hey, that's not funny. (Krycek throws Mulder some sunflower seeds and he picks them up and starts to eat them. Everyone laughs for a few seconds then stops.)
Scully pulls out a Morley and CSM lights it for her. Now, everyone's looking at her.
MULDER: (Mulder starts to spit out the sunflower seeds.) When did you start smoking?
SCULLY: Remember when we investigated those two girls who had quote unquote "powers" (makes the quotation mark gesture like two horns on her head) and you and I were acting weird. That's when I started smoking. Gosh, you notice everything and everybody except me.
MULDER: Scully did you say something. (She glares at him.) Yeah. Right, I remember. (Mulder puts more sunflower seeds in his mouth. He hasn't the clue what she was talking about. )
FOWLEY: Can you hurry this up a little? The ship's sinking for goodness sake. (Fowley walks up to Scully and starts to shake her. Scully drops her Morley. Frohike and Skinner pull Fowley away and throw her on the ground. Skinner pulls his gun on Fowley.)
SKINNER: Don't you EVER put your hands on DANA AGAIN? Or...or...or else. (Now everyone looks at them.)
Frohike: Dana…ah…um… I mean Scully, please continue. (He quickly moved next to Langley and Byers. He was embarrassed.)
SCULLY: Okay. Guys, we now have 8 minutes left. Please let me continue. (They all nod.) Here are the results. (She takes out some transparencies and pulls up her files on her laptop. They all crowd around her.)
No one is guarding the door now. The Lone Gunmen run out and go back to their room. They had brought in sophisticated equipment and check when the next ship was going to be in the area and send a distress call. The next ship is going to be there in five minutes and the Lone Gunman sigh with relief since they had seven minutes left.
Deep Throat and X are in the corner of the cabin, unmoving.
SCULLY: Here's Agent Spender's profile (She puts his profile on the table.) and here's CSM’s profile. See the bands here and here (She points to each one.) They match, but I saw something different in Spender's profile and I performed another test. (CSM is agitated and takes out a Morley and lights it. He fingers his gun underneath his trenchcoat.)
SPENDER: Yeah, what is it? Tell me, please. (He pleads with Scully.)
CSM: You were always a spineless, mama's boy. (CSM takes off the safety.)
SCULLY: Actually, he's a daddy's girl. (All are visibly shocked especially Spender.)
SPENDER: No wonder, I always liked to play with Barbie. (CSM shoots him and throws him overboard. All look at him and applaud since CSM’s Morley is still in his mouth while he was doing all this.)
CSM: (He takes a very long drag and blows out a lot of smoke.) That's it. I hated his Barbies. Why couldn't he play with G.I. Joe? Now, no evidence. I have no daughter now. (Fowley gets up and stands near CSM and takes his hand.)
SCULLY: You're wrong, CSM. You have another daughter. (Scully pulls out another profile and places it on top of CSM. It matches.)
MULDER: Don't tell me its Krycek, right? (Krycek hits Mulder over the head with his prosthetic arm. Mulder goes down. Krycek laughs, but doesn't do anything else since Skinner is now pointing his gun on him.)
SCULLY: No, Krycek is (Scully pulls out two profiles and they match also) Skinner’s son.
SKINNER: What? I don’t have a son. My ex-wife told me that he died while I was in Nam. (Skinner gives Scully a confused look and puts down his gun.)
SCULLY: Well, she lied. These tests don’t lie. (Krycek goes over and gives Skinner a bear hug. Skinner is hating it.) CSM your other daughter is Fowley.
FOWLEY: I always thought so. See I told you, CSM.
CSM: Yes, you were always the smarter one of my daughters. (CSM takes a long drag on his Morley. CSM hugs her, what a shock.)
KRYCEK: Who brought Mr. X and Deep Throat here? (Krycek points to their decomposing bodies sitting in the corner of the cabin.) They’re dead as everyone can see.
MULDER: (Mulder runs to X and DT) I did and they’re not dead. A little quiet, but not dead I tell you. See they moved. (They all look at him queerly. Scully opens up her briefcase and checks if there is a syringe full of sedatives. There is and ready for Mulder if he goes to where the truth is-really really out there. She pockets it.)
CSM: He’s got to cut down on those sunflower seeds. (They all laugh.)
SCULLY: Mulder, they’re dead, okay. Give it a rest. An analyses on their DNA would take too much time and I didn’t have the equipment. (Mulder goes back to the table and he looks over her shoulder.) Okay, there’s only two left. Mulder’s and mine. CSM is Mulder’s father so Fowley you can’t have him. (Scully laughs hysterically) Nannie nannie bo bo. HAHAHAHAHA. He’s mine. Now let’s see. (She composes herself then takes out the final one.) I’m Skinner’s daughter and fraternal twin of Krycek. (Now everyone is totally stunned at that one. Scully throws all the papers up in the air.) RUN!!!
Scully, Mulder and Skinner run for the door. Krycek follows them and closes the door behind him. All four of them jump into the liferaft and cut it down. It was never bobbytrapped. Scully and Mulder just said it was bobbytrapped so no one would leave. Scully sat near Mulder at one end of the raft and Krycek and Skinner at the other. Scully turns on the motor to get away from the sinking ship. There is no sign of the Lone Gunmen. Scully takes out her cellphone and dials the number for the one she left on the table.
CSM: Hello. (He takes a couple of drags and holds the phone so that both he and Fowley could hear. )
SCULLY: It’s me, Scully.
CSM: Hello, agent Scully.
SCULLY: Fowley’s not your daughter, she’s your sister. (CSM drops his Morley and looks at Fowley.)
CSM: WHAT? What are you talking about? That can’t be true. My sister died a long time ago.
SCULLY: No, she didn’t. She was abducted by aliens and they slowed down her aging. That’s why she looks younger than she really is. I’m you’re daughter.
CSM: No wonder Diana looks vaguely familiar. (Together with FOWLEY.)
FOWLEY: No wonder CSM looks vaguely familiar. (Together with CSM.)
CSM: My daughter, no wonder I could not let anyone murder you, not even me. I just knew there was something about you.
SCULLY: Well, see you in hell, dad and auntie! (She hears both of them screaming. Scully hits the send button one more time and the ship blows up. Mulder, Krycek and Skinner are awed at the sight. Scully just laughs.)
SKINNER: Explain yourself, Dana…uh. … Scully? (Skinner gives her a confused look.)
SCULLY: I’m through being a victim, I just want to him to feel like we all have for the last few years. I just wanted to get rid of them all once and for all. I sent everyone the invitation to this doomed cruise and I set up the explosives on that ship. (All gasp in horror.)
KRYCEK: I knew you would be seduced to the dark side. You can feel its power.
SKINNER: (Skinner whacks Krycek on the top of the head with his prosthetic arm.) Hey, that’s my line, son.
KRYCEK: Sorry, dad. I just wanted to say that. (Krycek pulls out his palmsize computer and presses some buttons. He throws it overboard.)
SKINNER: (Skinner tries to make a grab, but he is unsuccessful.) No, I wanted you to put me a coma. (He looks at Mulder and Scully.) I…I… don’t want to listen to these two arguing. They drive me crazy.
SCULLY: Almost everything I say is a lie. I’m not CSM’s daughter or yours. Mulder’s not CSM’s son. Fowley’s not even related to CSM. The only thing I said was true was that Deep Throat and X are dead and that Spender is or was a female. Sir, Krycek isn’t your son. (Krycek’s mouth drops and he starts to look for the computer he dropped, but he can’t see it.) Now, you can take him on without him cheating.
SKINNER: Thank you, Scully. (Skinner and Krycek duke it out while Mulder and Scully argue.)
SCULLY: Mulder, you’re making that face again.
MULDER: What face? I’m not making that face. You’ve only seen that face a couple of times and I’m not doing it now.
SCULLY: Yes, you are.
MULDER: Am not.
Mulder and Scully argue for a few minutes while the ship blazes in the distance. Skinner and Krycek are still pounding each other. Scully can’t take it anymore and pulls out her gun.
SCULLY: Don’t think I’ll use this again. (Scully takes off the safety.)
MULDER: What are you talking about? You’ve never shot me.
SKINNER and KRYCEK: (Both stop fighting for a second.) YES! SHE DID! (They begin again.)
They hear Langley, Frohike and Byers calling their names. They are on a ship that heard their distress call. Scully fires three times in the air then points her gun at Mulder. Skinner and Krycek still are at each other’s throats. A small rescue boat from the ship arrives within 15 minutes. Skinner and Krycek get aboard.
SCULLY: (Still holding her gun on Mulder, but underneath her trenchcoat.) Sir, we still have to talk to each other.
SKINNER: Okay, we’ll come back later. Here’s a tracking device. (He throws her the device and she catches it. The boat leaves. Scully throws the device overboard.)
MULDER: Do you think they bought it?
SCULLY: Looks like it. About time. Come here, we’re finally alone. (They kiss.)
Skinner and Krycek board a helicopter. Krycek notices that the cabin smells like Morleys. CSM and Fowley enter the cabin. Krycek is totally shocked.
KRYCEK: You two are supposed to be dead. (He points his finger at them.)
CSM: Dead? (CSM takes a drag.) As you can see we are alive and standing in front of you. Do you think Mulder bought it?
SKINNER: Yes, sir, I do.
CSM: Very good then. Alex, take my hand. (Krycek holds out his prosthetic hand, since he doesn’t trust CSM.) No, you’re other hand, I’m not going to bite. (Krycek tentatively offers his other hand and CSM takes it.) Alex, I am your father. (Krycek opens his mouth.)
KRYCEK: How do I know you aren’t lying? (Krycek pulls his hand away and CSM lets it go.)
SKINNER: He’s not lying, Alex. I’ve always known and now so do you.
CSM: Don’t look so surprised, Alex. How do you think you survived this long? With your wit and contacts? No, it was me all along. I want you to introduce… for the lack of a better word… you to your aunt, Diana (He points to Diana) and your brother, Wally. (He points to Skinner.)
Krycek is totally floored by that revelation and takes a minute to get his thoughts together.
CSM: Oh, yeah. Jeffery was your sister. (All of them smile and begin to chuckle.) Dana is also your sister. (Everyone except Krycek is laughing now. He always thought about kissing Scully, but now he’s glad he didn’t. ) It was all her idea for this little cruise Yes, you see. She wanted Mulder for so long and he always ignored her. Something about his sister, Samantha. He has no sister. It was Jeffery all along. I sent her to Bill Mulder because they wanted a daughter. When she got older we abducted her, gave her a sex change and wiped her memory. (Now all of them are laughing.) I wonder if Mulder ever noticed that he was his sister. Probably not. All the alien conspiracy, the cancer and implants, the Consortium, I did it all for Dana. A father will do anything for his children, even kill. That’s why I got erased Deep Throat and Mr. X . They knew Dana was my daughter and they were going to expose the truth to Mulder and I wasn’t going to let that happen. I couldn’t believe that Mulder dug them up and brought them aboard. I hope Dana knows what she’s doing. The man’s a little off his rocker. Well, she loves him and I hope he loves her back or I’ll personally kill him with my bare hands. (All three of them look at CSM.)
SKINNER: You forgot about our other sister, Marita. (He looks deadpan at Krycek.) You...you.. didn’t sleep with her did you? (They all eye Krycek. He gets up and retches over the side of the helicopter.)
FOWLEY: (She sits next to Skinner and whispers) She’s not your sister.
SKINNER: (Whispering back) Yeah, I know. That’s for the hell he put me in for the last few years. We’ll tell him the truth in a year, okay. We’ll just bring it up when he needs to get in line. (They both chuckle.)
CSM: (Standing next to Krycek and looking in the direction of the liferaft.) Mulder, the truth is out there and if you don’t realize that by now, she’ll kill you. (He throws his Morley outside.)
THE END
Cloneme
Keeper of Mulder's stiletto weapon
Keeper of Scully’s black and white suit
Keeper of Mulder’s hypno-regression tapes
Keeper of the "Ice" worm