Blair spins for the last time.

The dust is finally settling after the shocking assasss, asaaasin, killing of Tony Blair while on a visit to Iraq. Questions are being asked in Parliament why with the so-called increased security because of Mr Blair’s visit, a well-wisher was able to walk out from the crowd and pump 47 rounds into Mr Blair.

Security sources have vigorously denied reports of collusion as a yet unknown person helped the well-wisher change magazines and even helped when there appeared to be some sort of stoppage. Eyewitnesses reported a swarthy man with a small goatee type beard being the assasss, asaaasin, killer and during the follow up operation, several hundred people were arrested. Many were instantly released, as they were woman. “It’s simply not true,” said a local security source, his fingers crossed behind his back. Conflicting reports are still coming out of Iraq about Mr Blair’s last words. “You brown fcuker” is one version while “You fcuker Brown” is another.

The funeral is planned for Thursday and the hearse will be pulled by four donkeys but Mr Prescott was unavailable due to affairs of state but he wouldn’t say which state. The service was planned for Westminster Abbey but unfortunately, they are having a Jumble Sale that day so the service has been switched to St Paul’s, Bristol. Respecting Mr Blair’s wishes and acknowledging the multi-denominational United Kingdom, the service will be conducted by the Pope and entirely in Latin. Also present will be the Chief Rabbi, The Archbishop of Canterbury, other religious leaders and Alistair Campbell. A guard of honour will not be necessary as Cherie is bringing her Dad.

Buckingham Palace has denied reports of a snub as a minor Royal will be representing the Queen at the service. Princess Octavia of Skoda is 111th in line to the throne and is the patron of the Gay Lawn Tennis Association, the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Disc Jockeys and works tirelessly for various other worthwhile charities. The Queen will be watching the whole thing on TV if she can clear up the misunderstanding with Sky, Prince Philip will be attending his anger management course as usual and Prince Charles will be giving his lawn a good mowing while Camilla rearranges her spice racks.

TV coverage will be extensive and will involve all terrestrial channels. Children’s programmes will not however be disrupted and Bargain Hunt will be on as usual. Commentary will be by Gordon Ramsay with comments from other politicians. Heavy security will be in place, as a busload of mourners will be heading down from Droitwich. The Tony Blair Fan Club (Midlands Branch) expects an almost full coach but they did regret that Droitwich FC were involved in the Stanley Boggettt Memorial Shield semi-final otherwise they might have had to book a second bus. They had planned to join hands but sadly, due to the low numbers, this plan has been shelved.

Hundreds of police have had leave cancelled and will head for Bristol effectively cutting off the city for the duration of the funeral. Commander Gripper of Scotland Yard will coordinate and also sings in the choir. Public transport will run as normal, which will not help the situation. Security will be tight and nobody with even a suntan will be allowed inside the exclusion zone that will be set up. Rucksacks are to be banned and an armed guard will be on duty outside Milletts.

Due to the lack of space in the St Bob Marley Church of the Latter Day Weed in St Paul’s, the American security entourage will be kept to a minimum, less than two hundred. George Bush is expected along with Secretary of State, Anneka Rice. Priority was given to English speaking nations but special dispensation was given for the US. The Israeli representative will be kept well away from any Arab states representatives and now will be between the neo-Nazi Austrian representative and Jean-Marie Le Penn as Chirac is having his bathroom tiles re-grouted and couldn’t be bothered to come.

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Article by Lardbucket McNasty, celebrated SCUM journalist.
Winner of the Wurlitzer Prize 2005