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The SAS Newsletter Issue 3
Website: www.sas-publishing.com Email: sales@sas-publishing.com
Subscribe to the new SAS newsletter. Meet the men behind the legend and help to support the story behind the men behind the legend. Meet today’s SAS Playmate of the month: Bob
Bob is 31 and his measurements are 40-40-40. Bob is a straight guy. He is 5’ 11” tall, weighs 185 lbs. Bob’s favourite colour is tartan, and he likes Scottish country dancing.
Bob would like to work with children and animals when he leaves the regiment and would like to help work for world peace. Bob’s favourite weapon is the Heckler O’Koch G36C and he likes documentaries about prostitutes on TV. Bob prefers disembowelling to deal with sentries and he loves cleaning his knives. Bob isn’t married but he is looking. He would like an intelligent woman to talk to and would treat her like a real woman. Bob has been in the army for ten years but before that worked as a mercenary. Bob never smiles except when he kills somebody and then it’s ear to ear “Just like I slit them” says Bob. Good old Bob.
Meet people like Bob at SAS
Speed Dating. Every month at the Best LeftAlone Hotel
in
New to the SAS range:
SAS Gardening equipment. Be tactical amongst the petunias.
Tiptoe through the tulips with the new SAS Wellington boot, available in all
shades and colours (black) with animal track soles to confuse your neighbour.
Also available, the SAS shovel, ideal for those little trips to the bottom of
the garden with extra hygienic blade and built in toilet roll holder. In addition,
the SAS rake for raking over buried bodies and the SAS trowel for disposing of
guard dogs and available in all sizes from
Available from SAS Products Ltd, a subsidiary of www.sas-publishing.com.
Website: www.sas-products.co.uk Email: sales@sas-products.co.uk
The All time SAS Top Ten Shell Scrapes as voted for by the Regiment and Channel 6
Ryan’s Recipes
One of today’s recipes is Gazpacho or chilled tomato soup. Buy a tin of any tomato soup and rip the label off first. Open the tin, throw the contents into four bowls and garnish with some grass cuttings from the Flymo and a sprig of anything vaguely green. Carefully put the tin to one side, you will need it later. Chuck the bowls on the side and wait for your guests to arrive. Entertain your guests, plying them with any sort of drink that minimizes their ability to taste and wait for them to be seated. Serve them the Gazpacho and watch for their reactions. At the slightest hint of displeasure, own up to not having the time to make it your self but showing them the empty tin, say you will never shop in Fortnum and Masons again. You will find that they will generally sympathize with you.
The other recipe is for cheese
on toast. Get some cheese and put in on the toast. Garnish with Worcestershire
Sauce,
Finally a word from our sponsors
AFANI is a non-profitable organisation that provides facilities for ALL the Armed Forces. The Air Force, Army and Navy Institute has been the soldier’s friend since the Crimean War when it sold its first car to Florence Nightingale. It has been selling cars ever since and now sells to anybody who is ordered to do so. The interest rates reflect the caring attitude to HM Forces and an APR of 92% is still competitive in today’s financial market.
WARNING “Your home, your car or yourself are at risk if you do not keep up with the payments on any loan secured on them and Clubber and Gripper will be sent round to sort out any non payments” Health Insurance arranged separately. The AFANI is regulated by nobody in particular and therefore any complaints are totally futile.
New from AFANI Cars. The Boy Racer GBTX XR GT SR 4WD ST 2.0 Turbo GTSX.
You’ve seen the rest now drive the best. Designed by the Forces for the Forces with every possible extra and some that are frankly impossible. 0-60mph in 6 secs, 140mph, electric everything, climate control meaning no melting ice shelf in your passenger compartment, cruise control (a brick), electric windows, extra large ashtray either for extra large cigarettes or fits twenty Nicobollox patches, room in the boot for at least one yellow handbag, excellent fuel economy provided your closest relative is an oil sheikh and your choice of wheels or finishes. Available from any Armoured Workshop near you and from only $55,000 payable to an offshore bank.
Competitive rates from AFANI Insurance for this top of the range car:
0-17 Don’t be silly
18-21 Thousands
22-25 Still thousands
26-32 A few thousand
32-45 Slightly less than a few thousand
45-74 Don’t be silly
These rates are of course approximate and liable to change at any second. No claims bonuses accepted from all major companies and then totally ignored. The AFANI Insurance is regulated by nobody in particular and therefore any complaints are futile.
Finally, AFANI is running a competition. If you tear out the coupon from the Tenth Sense, the Forces Newspaper and give it to your nearest AFANI girl then you might win a prize. It doesn’t matter if you give her one over the bacon counter or you give her one while she’s pouring your tea, you could win a prize. So no matter what, just try and give her one, you could be the lucky one.