A Sterling Read

The SAS Newsletter Issue 7

 

Website: www.sas-publishing.com  Email: sales@sas-publishing.com

 

Subscribe to the new SAS newsletter. Meet the men and women behind the legend and help to support the story behind the men and women behind the legend. Meet today’s SAS Playmate of the month: Harry

 

Harry is twenty-something and his measurements are 38-30-38. Harry is a prince amongst men and a real hit at parties. He is six foot-ish tall and weighs heavily on his grandmother’s mind. Harry’s favourite colour is royal blue and he likes Nazi costumes.  Harry would like to rule the country when he leaves the regiment and would like to help work for world peace by killing all the bad guys. Harry’s favourite weapon is a head butt, handy for those persistent photographers. He isn’t married and won’t be for some time though there is no shortage of girlfriends according to the SCUM. He has been in the army for {CLASSIFIED} and apart from being unemployed, he took frequent skiing holidays before joining. He is a born leader of men and drives a mean light tank. He transferred to the regiment to promote their image and because his dad’s a painter and the boathouse needed a fresh coat somebody high-up thought ‘why not?’ Harry’s nickname is ‘Whales’ because of his love of lounging around on beaches. Good old Harry.

 

 

 

Meet people like Harry at SAS Speed Dating. Every month at the Best LeftAlone Hotel in Hereford, every first Saturday of the month, starting at 20.00hrs. Ask for Harry, you might get lucky.

 

 

New to the SAS range:

 

Try the new SAS headscarf, hand woven by Sudanese children and finished off in a Dar Es Salaam sweatshop. Smart, fashionable and ideal for any occasion and as seen on TV, the headscarf is available in both smoking and non-smoking versions. Be the envy of all your friends and wear one today. Available in all colours and with or without the SAS crest. Try the new tactical matt black, ideal for those undercover operations. Also available are gloves and hand/shoulder bag to match. Never lose your ciggies or nicotine patches again and as used by ‘Smudge’ Smith, a veteran of many SAS operations and a few civvy operations as well.

 

Buy at least one of them today and that’s an order! Prices and full details on the website.

Available from SAS Products Ltd, a subsidiary of www.sas-publishing.com.

 

The All Time SAS Top Ten List of Great Britons as voted for by the Regiment and Channel 6

 

  1. Gandhi
  2. Albert Einstein
  3. Jeremy Clarkson
  4. Winston Churchill
  5. Jade Goody
  6. Terry Wogan
  7. Ole Gunnar Solskjær
  8. Nelson (Willie)
  9. Nelson (Horatio)
  10. Isambard Kingdom Brunel

 

While you might be able to question the ‘British-ness’ of some, nobody can question the contribution they have all made in making Britain GREAT. Surprising or not, the Prime Minister came in at number 45,005 and Gordon Brown registered NO votes at all. David Cameron was 123rd and Menzies Campbell was a disappointing 265th. Not a good poll for the politicians it seems. Incidentally HM Queen was 11th and Queen (the group) was 12th, a real battle of the royals decided by just a handful of phone votes and most apparently from a foreign callbox.

 

 

Ryan’s Recipes

 

Today’s recipe is for ‘Spag Bol’ or to give it its full name ‘Spaghetti Bolognese’ and it will feed a hungry team of workers painting the boathouse.

 

Serves 6-8 and preparation time less than 30 mins. Cooking time 1 to 2 hours.

 

Ingredients

2 tbsp olive oil or sun-dried tomato oil from the jar

6 rashers of smoked streaky bacon, chopped

2 large onions, chopped

3 garlic cloves, crushed

1kg/2¼lb lean minced beef

2 large glasses of red wine

2x400g cans chopped tomatoes

1x290g jar antipasti marinated mushrooms, drained

2 fresh or dried bay leaves

1 tsp dried oregano or a small handful of fresh leaves, chopped

1 tsp dried thyme or a small handful of fresh leaves, chopped

drizzle balsamic vinegar

12-14 sun-dried tomato halves, in oil

salt and freshly ground black pepper

a good handful of fresh basil leaves, torn into small pieces

800g-1kg/1¾-2¼lb dried spaghetti

lots of freshly grated parmesan cheese, to serve

 

Method

 

“How do I turn this fcuking stove on? Yes, I’ve fcuking kicked it and twiddled any knob I could find. Don’t be fcuking cheeky or else you’ll be fcuking wearing the Spag Bol. Yes, I know WHEN it’s cooked. I’m NOW heating the oil in a big fcuk off saucepan and frying the bacon until golden brown proving beyond doubt that it’s not just women who can multi-task. I’m adding the onions and garlic and YA FCUKER that hurt, fcuking splashed in my fcuking face and burned the fcuking eyebrows off me. Dabbing my face with a wet towel, I’m increasing the heat and adding the minced beef. Yes it IS beef. I know it looks the same but it said so on the label. Do you want me to cook this or not? Get on with the fcuking painting then and I’ll cook it for you. Ungrateful barsteward! I’m now breaking up the meat with a wooden spoon and frying until brown. Not me cnut, the meat! Look tw@t, I’m no Floyd so I don’t drink the wine or not this shite so I’ll pour it in and bringing to the boil, reduce it by about the third. I’m now reducing the heat and stirring in the tomatoes. Where’s that fcuking tin opener? Fcuking great, you used it to stir the paint. Anybody got a tin opener? Finally, I’m stirring in the tomatoes, drained mushrooms, bay leaves, oregano, thyme and balsamic vinegar. You silly cnut! I’ll have to fcuking start all over again and you’re getting fcuk all you clumsy tw@t.”

 

“I’m now finely chopping the sun-dried tomatoes. Anybody got a plaster?  ‘Cause I’m bleeding to fcuking death here, that’s why. Ok, you can have some WITHOUT the blood but get me a fcuking plaster and quick. A little salt and pepper to taste and so fcuking what if I’ve sneezed in it. You don’t want to know what some chefs do in the privacy of their own kitchens. You now cover with a lid and leave to simmer over a gentle heat. I said gentle and leave that fcuking regulator alone. Gentle means the fcuking flames don’t reach the ceiling. Leave for 1-1½ hours until its rich and thickened and take note fcukwit, stirring occasionally. Yes but I’m going down the pub and you’ve got fcuk all else to do except watch paint dry or you would do if somebody had brought brushes with them. It’s not MY fault somebody forgot the brushes, I’m sure they’ll be here soon. Catch you later.”

 

“Right back again, suitably refreshed and stirring in the basil and adding some extra seasoning. Yes very funny you cnuts! Well you’re going to have to eat it like it is now, I’ve no time or ingredients to make any more. Ha fcuking ha some child fcuked around with the peppermill. Right I’ll leave this to settle and I’ll fcuking settle up with you lot later. You can cut up the spaghetti dickhead. Regulation lengths of course, don’t you know fcuk all? You’re only a pup, you can’t have spag too long as it costs valuable seconds sucking it into your mouth and those seconds could cost you your life. Yes and stain your smock but surely if you’re just about to die a few stains aren’t going to bother you. The size of your c0ck numbnuts, about four inches or should I say EXACTLY four inches not that I know you that well. Look Whales, just cut the fcuking spaghetti, there’s a good prince. Because you’re a fcuking sprog, that’s why. I’ve done more jobs than you’ve had hot dinners. No ok, I’ll give you that one, not state dinners. Just keep cutting and shut the fcuk up.”

 

Right ok, where’s the fcuking Bolognese sauce gone? I don’t give a fcuk if the brushes are here, where’s my fcuking sauce? You’ve done what? You’ve fcuking done fcuking WHAT? You silly fcukers, does it look like fcuking paint? Fcuking great and so what that it covers in just the one coat. Oh bollox, anybody for spaghetti, though you’ll have to sort out your own fcuking sauce.”

 

Next week Ryan will be taking a well earned rest and Lofty Wiseman will be telling us how to make the most of your grub.

 

EDITORIAL

 

It is with great sadness that I have to announce the retirement of {CLASSIFIED} from the regiment. {CLASSIFIED} has served the regiment for many years as an operative and then later as an instructor and has seen many changes during his long service. He has operated in all four corners of the globe and was involved in many of the operations that made the SAS a benchmark in Special Operations. Who could forget the siege of the {CLASSIFIED} embassy where he single-handedly took on five members of the {CLASSIFIED} and resolved a tricky hostage situation? His work in Northern Ireland is legendary and {CLASSIFIED} and his knowledge of South Armagh hedges has never been equalled let alone surpassed.

 

{CLASSIFIED} and Mrs {CLASSIFIED} have three children and they are already showing signs of their father’s skills with the resolving of a tricky tuck-shop ‘incident’ at their boarding school. The school, the SAS Sons and Daughters school at Horsell Common, Surrey were eternally grateful. Mrs {CLASSIFIED} knows what it’s like being married to an ‘operative’ and kept herself busy at Forget Me Not, a florist in Hereford and the owner was happy for Bunty to take sole charge. The children were growing up and Mike, Sabina and Kylie Walker were fully supportive of their mother and the need for secrecy surrounding their father’s job.

 

Des will be leaving special operations behind and has taken up a post with {CLASSIFIED} and we wish him well in his new position. If anybody wants to pop in and see him, he’ll be at G4S, Hereford branch and in room 456 unless he’s popped out for a smoke. Please do be careful as there are many who have scores to settle with Des but if he’s not in the office he’ll be at home at 10 Brindley Terrace which is just a five minute walk from his work.

 

There will be a special farewell do at the Worm Park Ballroom near Hereford next Tuesday, with a bar, a buffet and live music. Doors open at eight, dress is casual and a small charge of {CLASSIFIED} per head is payable at the door. Come and say a fond farewell to Des, he knows he’s got it coming.