A Sterling Read

The SAS Newsletter Issue 8

 

Website: www.sas-publishing.com  Email: sales@sas-publishing.com

 

Subscribe to the new SAS newsletter. Meet the men and women behind the legend and help to support the story behind the men and women behind the legend. Meet today’s SAS Playmate of the month: Jack

 

Jack is slightly older than the rest and his measurements are quite disturbing. He is tall and handsome in a chubby sort of way. His favourite colour is olive drab and his favourite programme on TV is anything with Ant and Dec which these days seem to be just about everything. Jack is Sir Jock Stirrup’s ideal soldier as he’s smug, complacent and constantly rests on his laurels. Fortunately Jack has green fingers, the result of a cold remedy at Porton Down and the laurels once properly established, don’t seem any the worse for being rested on. Jack has taken onboard what he learned in Northern Ireland but that unfortunately was just that South Armagh has miles and miles of hedges. Not much use to him when he’s fighting in a sandy location with a distinct lack of hedges. WARNING: Jack has been known to exhibit more arrse crack than most when sat on a bar stool but while his arrse might be constantly on show, unlike Sir Jock, he doesn’t talk out of it. Good old Jack but NOT good old Jock.

 

 

 

Meet people like Jack at SAS Speed Dating. Every month at the Best LeftAlone Hotel in Hereford, every first Saturday of the month, starting at 20.00hrs. Ask for Jack, you might get lucky.

 

 

New to the SAS range: The SAS Story Generator.

 

Buy this excellent piece of computer software and write your own story in a matter of minutes. As used by Andy McNab, Christopher Ryan, Lofty Wiseman and many others. Now with exotic location enhancement mode and including street level detail of Droitwich. Also featuring a random pun generator to lighten the mood of any tense or explosive moment. Hotkeys will add that extra dimension and for a French flavour there is the surrender hotkey and a retreat hotkey is included for that authentic Italian twist. Knock out a quick one and join the ranks of those heroic and famous SAS authors. You know it makes sense or there’s more chance it will, if you use the SAS Story Generator.

 

System requirements: Any operating system that is prone to a BSOD (blue screen of death) and Radox (similar to Linux but it relaxes you as it operates). Unfortunately not available for a Mac as while we might concede you have a better computer than us mere mortal non-Mac users, there’s really no need to be so damn smug about it. An internet connection is required so we can bombard you with spam and a printer might come in handy unless you’re prepared to write it out longhand using pen and paper. The software comes on CD-Rom so somewhere you can shove it might also come in handy. All details of how and where to shove it are on the CD though unfortunately at present only in Portuguese.

 

Buy one today and that’s an order! Prices and full details on the website.

Available from SAS Products Ltd, a subsidiary of www.sas-publishing.com.

 

The All Time SAS Top Ten List of Weird Laws of the World as voted for by the Regiment and Channel 6

 

  1. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
  2. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
  3. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
  4. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband but may only do so with her bare hands.
  5. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
  6. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
  7. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or a piece of wood at all times.
  8. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
  9. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
  10. Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."

 

A slight departure from the normal format and this top ten was not actually voted for. The reason being was that the top ten had originally been Misquotes and only two names seemed to feature. They were Sir Jock Stirrup and Tony Blair though in the case of Tony Blair and his position on weapons of mass destruction, nobody seemed sure if he had been misquoted or had simply told a lie. For now please accept this humble offering and (hopefully) normal service will be resumed next time.

 

 

Ryan’s Recipes

 

Here’s something for dog lovers:

 

2. Jeongol (boiled dog meat mixed with spices and vegetables)

 

    Eat while boiling to boil down some of the soup. Add lots of dog meat and

ingredients. Vegetables such as dropwort, perilla leaves, green onion and other

ingredients such as garlic, pepper, and red  pepper are put in. It can be served

for a side dish with Soju (liquor) or for eating boiled rice. After eating, boiled

 rice can be mixed with the remaining soup.

 

    The standard amount of ingredients for one portion. 

 

  (1) Ingredients

 

    200g of boiled dog meat, 150g of gravy, 50g of green onion, 50g of leek, 40g

of dropwort, 20g of perilla

 

  (2) Sauce

 

    3g of salt, 5g of perilla, 10g of mashed garlic, 2g of red pepper, a little amount

 of pepper.

 

  (3) Cooking Instructions

 

    Eat while boiling the soup, dog meat, gravy, vegetables and other ingredients

in a pan. If it is excessively boiled, the colour of vegetables can be changed,

deteriorating the taste of the soup. So once it is boiled, cooking over a weak fire,

begin eating.

 

 

EDITORIAL

 

I would just like to bring to your attention that the SAS is now fully open to the public. For a small charge (though preferably a large donation) you and your family will have free parking (helicopters permitting) and access to information that has long been inaccessible to the public. One of our exhibits features a scene from that classic film ‘Who Dares Wins” and depicts members of the SAS en route to one of their most famous missions (as seen on TV), the Iranian Embassy siege in 1980. Please do not twist the heads of the exhibits as they do come off and wax is very fragile. Please keep dogs on a lead and do not let them chew the exhibits

 

Visit the museum which traces the SAS from its early days to the present and includes previously unseen footage of operations in Northern Ireland. Try the hedge simulator and marvel at the skills of the regiment as they identify no less than fifty different varieties of hedge. It might just seem like a hedge to you but it was home to many and they made the best of what they had at the time. Of special interest is the dining room table with four matching chairs, all constructed from willow during a lengthy observation close to Jonesborough, County Armagh.

 

For a special treat, why not shake hands with a real SAS Trooper. This usually follows the demonstration of toilet facilities in the field so don’t forget to wash your hands afterwards. Try Lofty Wiseman’s all in stew suitable for both vegetarians and vegans as earthworms are extra. Have a cup of tea or coffee in a real SAS mug and then treat yourself to an egg banjo or a bacon banjo. Vegetarian/vegan banjos are available on request. Sign the ‘I was at the Iranian Embassy siege’ guestbook and the number is currently at 27,567 at time of printing. Why not svisit Ye Olde SAS Gifte Shoppe where gifts are available from just a few pence. Gifts may be exchanged if you are not totally 100% satisfied but please note that SAS underwear is for obvious reasons, non-exchangeable.

 

So for two British pounds though other currencies are accepted at favourable rates, all this (and more) could be yours. Children get in for half price, as do pensioners and those on State Benefit (proof required). See the action, feel the action and in the case of toilet facilities in the field, smell the action. Please note that everything is subject to change and the SAS cannot accept any liability for damage to self or personal property. We do hope you’ll all come and visit us and please tell all your friends.