Ultimate Farce – The story of 49 Para ‘Pink Troop’

Ssgt Richard ‘Dick’ Splash peered out over the Monopolian landscape and his perfect vision detected a slight movement in the scrub, a few hundred metres away to his right. Taking his glasses off and carefully taking out his contact lenses, he pulled his binoculars from a kidney pouch and looked again. “Its just rabbits bonking” he uttered to nobody in particular as everybody else seemed to be asleep or were acting very badly at pretending to be asleep. He postured for effect; there was a commercial break due and he struggled with his contact lenses before slipping his glasses back on again.

‘Pink Troop’ had landed at the civilian airport in Monopoly. They had not passed go or collected two hundred pounds but had flown straight there. The airport building looked remarkably like the Kodak building in Hemel Hempstead but of course, it couldn’t be as this was the country of Monopoly. Not really sure what continent they were on, the airport officials were all swarthy and had long droopy moustaches. Dick wasn’t sure if they were in South America or there was just a large fan base for The Village People but his mind was on the job in hand and the large fee at the end of filming.

Russ Kemp was a true ac-tor. He had risen in a soap playing a psychopathic barman with post bad acting syndrome, had reputedly been in the Paras the character not the actor but had let himself down badly while filming in the wilds of Canada, as he had admitted on camera that he was afraid of bears. Film crews ever since had carried teddy bears and even uttering Macbeth at any and every occasion had not put them off. He had tried serious acting but psychopaths were not flavour of the month and it was only thanks to appearing as an extra in Extras that his popularity had soared again. Four letters that week and five the following, ok mostly hate mail but it was encouraging. He had asked if there wasn’t anything serious he could do like Richard the hundred and eleventh, the famous Shakespeare play but he had been laughed out of the Royal Shakespeare Company. Somebody had whispered in his ear that it was in fact Richard the Third but the damage had already been done.

Dick postured again and a white suited posh looking bloke crawled up the side of the Monopolian sandbank. “Hello colonel” shouted Dick being heard several miles away and blowing all pretence of being vaguely tactical. “It’s on, Dick” said the colonel, rather ambiguously. Dick knew what he was talking about but the audience had yet to be briefed. Dick asked the colonel a question, pointlessly really but filling in the audience on the mission in hand. “Do we have to attack the nasty drugs cartel HQ then?” was the question. The colonel just stared at something faraway, looked moody and postured intensely. “Do we have to attack tomorrow at dawn?” asked Dick. “Yes” replied the colonel. “Will we get there JUST in time to catch the real bad guy who is a double agent working in the Urgustani Embassy?” continued Dick. “Most definitely” replied the colonel who had obviously not just glanced at the script like Kemp had. So the audience suitably briefed, there was a commercial break and people all over the UK rushed to the toilet. “Good job there’s not a drought” thought Kemp.

The fact that Dick’s voice was like a tannoy on nuclear fuel had obviously escaped the scriptwriters as the rest slept on though the female one did reveal an inch of cleavage. Had the airtime been a few minutes later then two inches of cleavage would have been allowed but she did sigh seductively or so she thought, as I personally would have been reaching for the milk of magnesia to give her. Seductive but with a hint of stomach cramps. The other members of the troop woke as if by magic. Their names weren’t really important except Roxy the female one and Des who was to shag her this week. So the mission planned for tomorrow, Dick lead his men back to the hotel and the colonel just disappeared. They reached the hotel after tripping over various pot plants suitably situated to make the place look like South America as it had finally been decided.

They walked into the hotel entrance lobby and there was the colonel in his immaculate white suit drinking a glass of cold tea that was supposed to be a single malt whisky. “Set ‘em up again” said the colonel to the barman with compulsory droopy moustache. Under the counter, the barman squeezed another tea bag in water, popped in a couple of ice cubes and handed the glass over to the colonel. The colonel raised his glass, said “Cheers”, rolled the tea round his mouth as if savouring it and out of shot spat it into a large bucket.

“Right day off lads” shouted Dick being heard all over Godalming as the hotel was actually a real hotel just on the outskirts of the town. It is refreshing to know that in Monopoly, they have the same hotel classification system, as the ‘Buena Vista’ was both AA and RAC recommended with three stars. “Right don’t get yourself into trouble” shouted Dick, both posturing and pouting as he knew it wasn’t his turn to shag Roxy this week. Des and Roxy were swapping glances that is a scriptwriter’s equivalent of foreplay so a shag shouldn’t be too far off now. They disappeared off to the gym which does seem strange as if the blood is pumping in your weapon or your front bottom is moist, the last thing you’d think you would do is sit on an exercise bike and pretend to ride the length of the M3. Roxy grabbed some dumbbells and tried to develop the muscles she didn’t have. Knotted string sprang to mind but then the shagging was imminent. She pumped some iron or a fifteen-second version of iron pumping and looking into Des’ eyes you just knew the shag was starting now.

Des was on top of Roxy and you could see the fine acting at work as the homosexual actor playing Des pumped the lesbian actress who played Roxy. The sound was cut as the grunts etc. were dubbed on later and the two spoke at great length about garden centres mistaking pelargoniums with geraniums. With the airtime still firmly in the mind of the director, the shot was cut short and the two were seen next with Roxy in the shower and Des sitting on the bed with that ‘I’ve just had a shag” look. Roxy stepped out of the shower fully clothed and told Des” Don’t you ever breathe a word about this”. Des looked nonchalant but promised not to tell a living soul and considering some of the acting on this production, he could have told absolutely everybody and still have had a clear conscience.

Some of the troop sat by the pool under extremely powerful lights, as it is mid February and Godalming is not famous as a sunspot. Others got involved in totally ridiculous sub-plots that are an insult to the viewer and the scriptwriting profession. The colonel still sipped his cold tea doubling up as a Glen Morangie this time and he talked with Dick. Actually, the colonel talked but Dick still shouted drowning out the female pianist who without droopy moustache was playing Gloria Estefan’s greatest hits. Not exactly local but then Godalming is also sadly lacking as a musical hotspot. The barman cleaned the same glass he has been cleaning since the first shot and after breaking it, started on another. The two 49 Para heroes discussed the up and coming operation that is no longer a secret as there was a spy sat in the bar and Dick was still shouting his head off. You could tell the spy was a spy as the actor was hamming it to the limit in looking shifty and hiding conveniently behind his droopy moustache, you could see him making notes.

Of course Dick and the colonel could see this even though they had their backs to the spy and the colonel made a ploy of going to the toilet and doubling back. The pair of them jumped on the spy who almost lost his moustache with the shock. In his best Godalming Spanish the spy explained not much to do with the plot really but did get a good role to get his teeth into as he then pleaded for his life. His moustache quivers with emotion as he sank to his knees and pleaded at the feet of the colonel. Having a stiff upper lip, the colonel didn’t know what to do so Dick just kicked the spy and told him to go away in a made up language that was supposed to be “Fcuk off” in Spanish. The spy ran off and told which is what he had planned to do all along, as unlike Dick, he was not as thick as two short planks.

The colonel had to make several phone calls and it amazes you how far technology has come as the phone was not plugged in but he still managed to get through. That’s why he’s a colonel I suppose. Dick was in his room and peered out of the window for no apparent reason, he looked moody which could have meant something was going to happen but nothing did. It was actually Balsawood Studios and most of the interior of the hotel was a set except the entrance hall and the pool scene, which was filmed in Godalming. Dick went round to the rest of the troop and told them to oil their working parts. Des’ working parts had already been oiled as has Roxy’s but they go through the motions. A commercial break rescued the public and somebody in Watford took the dog for a walk even though it hadn’t finished. Couldn’t be more than fifteen minutes left and finally a bit of action.

The sun came up and Dick was lying in bed. It must have been warm as there was just a sheet over him. The sheet conveniently covered up all the horrible bits except his face of course but it did expose what could be muscle. He coughed, which showed he was awake and as there was nobody to shout at, he had to do something. He headed towards the bathroom and you could hear the sound of ablutions. Actually one of the props guys was doing things with a bucket and Dick was sat in the canteen having his Shredded Wheat. The troop met for breakfast and even the colonel was there but he wasn’t on the whisky that morning and had a cup of tea that was in fact cold tea as well but not the cold tea that doubles up as whisky. The troop discussed the forthcoming action and Dick shouted his opinion telling everybody in the dining room and causing a kitchen help to drop a tray of sausages. “Sssh!” went the colonel and Dick shouted even louder.

Everybody pouted giving that serious look that matched the cam cream and you knew the action was finally going to start. The colonel gave a speech that was cut short as he really was a stuck up arrse but they did leave the “Good luck” bit in. Walking through the Monopolian heather they passed a Monopolian spider building with the sign for ‘John’s Off-Road Vehicles Godalming’ clearly visible and the continuity director got a rollicking. Armies of off-road vehicles with pot plants in the back drove round making the scene seem more jungle like, pots were dropped off at convenient places trying to remove any trace of Godalming.

The troop finally came to the same quarry as last week’s episode and climbed exactly the same sandbank as last week to get a better view. Even though the enemy were clearly in sight, Dick still used binoculars and he was still shouting. Fortunately the guards were stone deaf and Dick shouted even louder. The troop pretended to load the already loaded weapons and fumbled about generally not knowing what they were doing. Roxy had spent the last four days putting on her makeup and could hardly move with the weight of foundation cream. The rest of the troop did fairly average imitations of films like Commando, Rambo – First Blood or Carry on Sergeant and prepared for action, cocking everything that didn’t need cocking and twiddling with bits that should really should have been left well alone.

Part of the troop were sent out to do a flank attack mainly because Roxy was part of that section of the troop and if you looked really hard, you could almost see her t1ts. Dick waved a wave that could almost be seen in central London and the first line of defence was dispatched with plenty of gunfire but a serious lack of explosions. There will have to be more in the main attack or else the quota won’t be reached. Dick and his motley crew advanced through the Surrey, sorry Monopolian countryside and climbed a sandbank exactly like the first giving them an excellent view of the nasty drugs cartel HQ complete with more spider blocks. A helicopter that looked as though it would never fly ever again was at the rear of the spider blocks and was probably wired up to explode to enhance the visual feast that would be the finale.

On cue, a Mercedes with number plates that had been knocked up by props drove into the HQ and several large men with automatic weapons climbed out of the car. The Urgustani Embassy staff member was carrying a briefcase and was desperately trying to win a BAFTA for just looking shifty. He walked towards the building still carrying his briefcase and went inside. The large men with automatic weapons loitered near the door and several guards obviously recruits of the drugs cartel as they were wearing the official uniform, manned guard posts and stroked their droopy moustaches. Large calibre automatic weapons were visible at the guard posts and in between stroking their droopy moustaches, the guards twiddled about with the weapons trying to look as though they knew what they were doing but they didn’t.

Dick could see Roxy and the rest close to the hut and they were just waiting for his signal. There was more frantic cocking and twiddling and off camera, a barrel fell off but props sorted it out and 49 Para were ready to finish off tonight’s episode. They felt quite confident as somebody had a copy of the TV Times and the full cast was listed for next week’s episode so they knew nobody was going to die. So throwing caution to the wind, Dick raised his hand, lowered it and the action started.

Roxy with a flourish pulled the pin from a grenade and popped it sweetly into one of the guard posts. The resulting explosion blew the two guards clean out of post but apart from some severe moustache scorching there were no serious injuries. Of course, having your moustache severely scorched does make you run away and the two guards not wishing to disappoint, did exactly that. Dick did exactly the same thing with the other guard post and again not wishing to disappoint, the guards while slightly singed did dutifully run away.

Roxy and co were pumping rounds into the spider block and Dick and co were pumping round after round into the large men with automatic weapons who were returning fire but nobody was getting shot. Dick twiddled and cocked a bit and finally one of the large men jumped up in the air and died very unprofessionally. Strangely, everybody in the spider block had been killed except the Urgustani Embassy staff member who was still clutching his briefcase but had picked up another and while not actually labelled drugs was obviously full of some nasty substances. He ran towards the helicopter, the sound of a helicopter engine was dubbed onto the soundtrack and props pedalled like mad to make the blades turn as Dick threw his last grenade towards the helicopter.

It all happened in slow motion. The Urgustani Embassy staff member said something in a made up language that was supposed to be “Oh fcuk” in Urgustani and the helicopter exploded in a ball of fire. The large men that were left were thrown to the ground and Dick and co with the help of Roxy and co were on them like a shot. The helicopter burned away merrily and it all seemed to be over when somebody walked out of the spider block. It was the nasty cartel leader, he had a machine pistol in his hand and it was pointing straight at Dick. He went to pull the trigger but just one shot rang out and the colonel walked into shot still immaculate in his white suit, the nasty cartel leader crumpled to the floor, dead. “You really are a dick, Dick,” said the colonel and Dick smiled. The rest of the troop ran into shot and you could almost see Roxy’s left nipple.

TO BE CONTINUED