Disclaimer: Inuyasha ain’t mine, go find someone else to sue.
Warning: Minor cursing near the end, just once. Major fluff warning, if you aren’t too keen on romance, don’t waste your time.
Here ya go, read at your own risk.
My Heart Won’t Go On
By MizuCrystal
It was a rare kind of day. The gang was taking a rest near a narrow stream. Sango’s Hirakotsu was damaged again in a battle with Naraku, and she had to ride Kirara back to her village to repair it. After a slight “misunderstanding” concerning Miroku and his slippery hand, he was forced to go out and gather firewood. Shippo, just to give Kagome and Inuyasha some alone time, went with Miroku. The sun was slowly setting upon the crimson horizon, and all was peaceful at the moment.
Inuyasha sat lopsided on a boulder; his right elbow supported all his weight. Kagome curled up in her sleeping bag and watched the majestic sunset. The two didn’t argue, in fact, neither of them said a thing to each other all day. Why, you ask? Kikyo came to “visit” the night before.
The tensions between the two were so thick that it was a miracle that they can still breathe. Kagome, though filled with anger and jealousy, knew her place in the matter and had enough delicacy not to vent out her emotions openly. Inuyasha, on the other hand, was plain confused, like always.
Kagome or Kikyo, Kagome or Kikyo... Inuyasha would gladly give his life to whoever can answer his question. Or to just simply make the decision for him, because Kami knows he hasn’t the heart to do it himself. Kagome or Kikyo, Kagome or Kikyo... Some wise guy once said that life’s full of choices. It seemed like such a positive statement... Positive my hanyou ass.
Kagome tried her best to focus on the captivating sunset, but her brain and heart were on another matter. Her eyes shifted to the boulder every so often to check on Inuyasha’s facial expression. Kagome could always read him like a book; a children’s book no less. And at that moment, his expression was not favoring her.
But he promised. He said I could follow him. He can’t take that back!
True, Inuyasha had long promised that he’ll let Kagome follow her. He acknowledged her pledge of loyalty and love and accepted it. At the same time, Kagome was forced to endure Inuyasha’s never-ending love for Kikyo, the dead miko. But in the end, will all these unspoken promises actually stay true?
Kagome had to know.
The young girl took in a deep breath and asked with a quivering voice, which didn’t go unnoticed by the hanyou. “Ne, Inuyasha, nice sunset, isn’t it?” It was really a pathetic attempt to start a conversation.
Inuyasha paused to listen to Kagome’s speeding heartbeat. He knew what she was thinking; he’s not that stupid... despite public opinions.
“I don’t really like sunsets.”
This answer caught Kagome off-guard. She had expected him to say something emotionless, like an empty “uh huh”, or simply a grunt. Such a “complex” answer was already pointing toward the direction of abnormality. But heck, she actually had a chance to have a conversation with the hanyou, why not take it.
“Really? Why not? It’s so beautiful.”
Kagome gulped slightly. This reminded her so much of a TV program that she’s seen. On the show, a kid was kidnapped and the kidnapper made contact with the police. And in order to track down the kidnapper’s location with a weird machine, the cops told the parents to stall with the kidnapper for as long as they can. And that’s essentially what Kagome was doing at the moment, she was stalling.
She could swear that Inuyasha scoffed at her question, as if the answer should be obvious.
“Sunset means the sun will be gone; the day’s ending.” Inuyasha watched Kagome from the corner of his eyes. She wasn’t facing him, a sign that she understood the analogy. Inuyasha pulled from his childhood memories, from the brief literature lessons that his mother insisted on teaching him. If he was going to have a serious conversation with Kagome, he can’t be talking like an idiot.
Kagome gulped. Inuyasha rarely sounded this... deep. She wanted to pry further, but there’s another side of her that feared the outcome of this little chat. Some times it’s a good idea to keep your mouth shut, and this seemed like one of those times.
Too bad Kagome was never too good with timing.
“But the sun will rise again the next day.” Kagome’s voice was low and shy. She was holding back her emotions, Inuyasha could tell. She probably knew what his retort was going to be, too.
Inuyasha settled his own troubling thoughts and responded earnestly. “It won’t be the same. Everyday the sun is different. It shines a different light and gives a different feeling. It might be warm the first day, and cold and unwelcoming the next.” Inuyasha paused to lick his dry lips, and also to calm his heart back to place. “And the thing is, we don’t have a choice. No matter how much we want the warmth, sometimes we just have to deal with the one that we’re given.” Inuyasha finished it with one breathe, as if he had the whole speech memorized.
And Kagome’s body stiffened, from happiness, shock, and depression.
The source of her happiness was the metaphor Inuyasha used. It gave her a head rush that Inuyasha, whether intended or not, compared her to the sun, a warm sun no less. And the shock came from Inuyasha’s near-confession that he preferred Kagome to the dead miko (and oh yea, the fact that he actually sounded...educated).
But there still remains the problem: He had an obligation to Kikyo, a promise that he cannot break. Kagome’s wish can’t sway that decision, his own happiness can’t change that promise. It would be useless to try to persuade him.
The world doesn’t need, and cannot contain two suns.
Kagome’s voice volume sank to another level. “Would you accept it then? It’s not like you to let something go so easily.”
Inuyasha opened his mouth, and then closed it again. He hesitated a few times. He’s said the words in his head before, but never had the chance to say it aloud. But if he missed this chance, will he get another one?
“It’s... not fair for me to keep something so... precious, something that should be shared with the entire world, even if it’s a different world than my own.”
How can he say that!? “Inuyasha, I...”
You never picture this could happen to you. These kinds of things only happen in movies, right? Just as you’re about to say the most important thing that’ll ever escape your mouth, someone pops in and interrupts. Just what are the chances of that happening? Apparently for Kagome, the chance is one in one.
“Kagome, we’re back!!!”
Kagome almost shot out of her sleeping bag as Shippo’s overly hyper voice reached her ears. She loved the little guy, but she could just choke him at the moment. Kagome and Inuyasha both looked up toward the source of Shippo’s happy greetings and saw him riding on Kirara’s back along with Miroku.
Kirara landed gracefully besides Kagome. The young miko climbed out and took Shippo into her arms.
“Where’s Sango-chan, Kirara?”
Miroku got off Kirara as well and answered for the conversational-handicapped youkai cat. “Kirara found us when we were in the woods, and she had this tied to one of her paws.” Miroku handed a letter to Kagome.
Kagome skimmed through the letter and then sighed. “Sango-chan’s tools were gone, so she needs to go to a nearby town to buy some supplies. She says she won’t be back for a few days and we should go on without her.”
As soon as Kagome finished her sentence, Kirara took off toward the sky without a good-bye. Of course, it wasn’t as though she was capable of saying good-bye either.
Kagome didn’t give much care to Sango’s letter; Sango can take care of herself. So while Miroku moaned about how much he’ll miss his “lovely Sango”, Kagome turned her head in search of Inuyasha’s gaze, and hoped to finish their earlier conversation. But much to her disappointment, he had already positioned himself upon a high tree branch.
It was Inuyasha-nese for “I’ve already said too much for today, so I’ll leave the rest of the mushiness for tomorrow”. Kagome really should congratulate herself. She’s now an expert at Inuyasha-nese, which means she can express a lot with little or even no action. And so, with her near perfect Inuyasha-nese, Kagome picked up a pinecone and threw it toward the hanyou, which meant: “this conversation is not over, I’ll bug you with mushiness tomorrow and there will be no escape.”
^_~
Sango has been gone for a day and a half now, and the group made no progress. Inuyasha didn’t talk for most part of the day, in fact, he wasn’t even around. They spent the day walking in the dense woods, and Inuyasha was inclined to walk ahead and scout for routes. Miroku sensed the tension between his companions and decided to keep his hands to himself. And the perceptive Shippo also learned to keep his mouth shut. And so, there really wasn’t any lively conversation as they all gathered around a newly made campfire.
It was an awkward environment. Miroku hated silence, Kagome hated silence, and Shippo especially hated silence. Inuyasha was off again, scouting for tomorrow’s route. But they were really getting nowhere. Kagome seriously doubted Inuyasha’s sense of direction.
“No news of a shard.” Inuyasha jumped down from nowhere. He quickly folded up his robe and sat down next to the fire. “We’ll just keep going west tomorrow.”
“Inuyasha, I was thinking, since Sango-chan won’t be back for a while, I want to go home for a few days as well.” Kagome kept her eyes focused on the fire. “I need to keep up with school, and since there are no news of...”
“Fine, we’ll go back to the village tomorrow morning.”
Inuyasha’s answer surprised Miroku and Shippo. Inuyasha never let Kagome go home without an argument. Something definitely happened when they went to gather firewood the day before.
Kagome’s heart broke. Even though she constantly bugged Inuyasha to let her go home, she always felt happy that Inuyasha was so keen to keep her in this world. It was Inuyasha’s way of showing his concern. But now, it’s as if he wants to get rid of her as soon as possible.
~_^
Kagome sat on the edge of the well, her legs dangled over, her body prepared for the jump. Behind her, Inuyasha stood rigidly with a tight grip on Tessaiga.
“Kagome, matte.”
Kagome turned her head at Inuyasha’s request. Something in Inuyasha’s voice bugged her, Inuyasha was rarely hesitant about anything. Is this the end?
“Kagome, I’ll pick you up in two days.” Inuyasha wasn’t looking at her. “So you’ll have two days to think this over.”
“Think... what over?”
“Kagome, I want you to know that...” Inuyasha gulped, he adverted his eyes to a berry bush nearby. Argh, baka, just say it, you practiced all night, just say it!
“Kagome, after we kill Naraku and complete the jewel... I want you to go home. I want you to promise me that you’ll go back to your world and seal the well. You can finally go to your school thing and finish those tests. Then...” Damn it, I don’t wanna say this part! “Then you should marry that Hobo guy, and have a nice family and live like a normal person. And you can grow old with grandchildren and die peacefully instead of getting chomped down to pieces by one of Naraku’s bastard youkai at the age of fifteen.” Hmm... funny, it sounded so much better when that Jack guy said it.
Kagome sat still with an indescribable expression. She was beyond shocked. What was Inuyasha saying? Inuyasha hated Hojo, he almost killed him the first time they met. What’s gotten into him?!
But before Kagome got enough of her sense back to question Inuyasha’s intention, the hanyou was already out of sight. Kagome hated his disappearing acts. She wanted to yell after him, but something stopped her.
And so, she somehow ended up in her own world, daze, shocked, and in tears.
^_~
Much to Kagome’s disappointment, she had lost track of time and planned her trip back home on a weekend.
“Kagome-chan!!”
On a bright Saturday morning, Kagome’s three cheerful friends bombarded her house. They chatted for a long time and tried to decide on something to do. Kagome wasn’t in the mood for reviewing schoolwork or to go out and have fun.
Finally after lunch, Kagome’s mother came into the living room with a videotape in hand. “Hi everyone, want to watch a movie?”
Emi asked politely: “what movie is it?”
“Titanic, the real English version with Japanese subtitles.”
Kagome sipped her orange juice. “When did we get that?”
Her mother grinned. “I bought this a month ago, when you were... in the hospital.”
Yuka dashed over to the older woman and grabbed the tape. “O wow, look, it’s Leonardo DeCaprio, what a hottie! Isn’t this like the ultimate romance movie?!”
Emi and Ayumi nodded enthusiastically. Emi then grabbed both of Kagome’s hands and pleaded: “Please, Kagome-chan, I know you’re not big into romance flicks, but please, just this once?”
Kagome simply grunted. Anything to take my mind off Inu... no, Kagome, don’t even go there. “Mama, I’ll put it on.” Just enjoy the movie and not think about him until you have to.
The old cliché came in handy: easier said than done.
First thing Kagome thought when she saw the lead actress: wow, Rose’s pretty, like Kikyo, why can’t I be that pretty? Maybe Inuyasha would pick me if I was prettier... the fact that she was Kikyo’s reincarnation and looked just like her didn’t seem to enter her head.
First thing Kagome thought when she met the lead actor: Jack is so carefree, just like Inuyasha. Nothing restraints him...
Kagome’s reaction during the scene where Jack taught Rose how to spit: He’s leading her out of her world and into a new one... just like how Inuyasha has led me out of my boring little life... Normal... I don’t want normal anymore... How dare that jerk tell me to live like a normal person!! Ano baka... he doesn’t know anything...
The first two hours or so passed by, and Kagome’s mind was still filled with Inuyasha. The things he said before she jumped back to this world flashed by in her head like a song without music, a poem without rhymes, a monologue with no emotions. Kagome felt her life sink away like the Titanic. Kikyo was the iceberg in her life, and she hit it head on. But it hurt even more to know that Inuyasha was the captain.
Kagome’s thoughts were finally interrupted by the sound of a sniffle. She turned her head and saw all three of her friends in tears. She then shifted to the television screen. A nearly frozen head was floating above the water. Huh? What happened? Maybe Kagome was able to understand more if she was paying more attention, but that’s not the point at the moment.
Oh, Jack’s dying, must be cold in that water. Kagome caught on soon enough to hear Jack’s speech. “Rose...live on...marry...” That’s sounds... familiar... “Be happy... die an old lady...” What the... that sounds just like...
“YOU BASTARD!!!!!!”
The living room froze for a minute there as Kagome jumped up from her spot on the couch and pointed an accusing finger at the TV screen. Her three friends were no longer sniffling, for they were all staring at Kagome as if she just turned into Godzilla and wrecked Tokyo.
“Ka...Kagome-chan, what’s wrong?” Yuka asked with genuine concern. Is Kagome-chan suffering from schizophrenia again? I thought her grandfather said she was cured.
Kagome didn’t seem to notice the horror on her friends’ faces. Instead she turned to them and screamed even louder.
“Can you believe what that jerk just said to Rose?! Unbelievable!! I’d like to see Rose say those things to him and see how he feels!!!”
Emi had a feeling that if they didn’t get Kagome away from the TV, Souta would have nothing to play his Play Station on. “Kagome-chan... that was supposedly one of the most romantic moments in movie history, what’s wrong with what he...”
“ ‘Romantic’?! Ha!!” Kagome raised her voice even higher. “Doesn’t he understand that Rose will be heart broken without him?! Can’t he see how lost she’ll be without him?!! Baka, baka, BAAAKAAAAA!!!” Kagome’s voice softened as she began to choke on her own sobs. “Baka... can’t he see how much I love him?”
“Kagome-chan...”
They knew then, it wasn’t schizophrenia after all. Must be her violent and selfish boyfriend, Yuka thought, he’s probably the reason why Kagome-chan is always sick.
Emi bit her lower lip in anger. Kagome-chan can do so much better than whomever he is. Hojo-kun can make her so much happier.
Ayumi, however, was more sympathetic, and not to mention clueless. Poor Kagome-chan, she must like the main character a lot. Yup, it’s a wonderful world when you’re living in ignorant bliss.
-_-
Two days came and went. Kagome spent her weekend in solitude to think over what she’ll say to Inuyasha. And the hanyou, on the other side of the well, spent his time alone as well to think of ways to be cold to Kagome once she gets back. Just to make the separation easier for her at the end, he’ll have to start to sever their relationship.
With a heavy heart and a cold expression, Inuyasha jumped out the well on Monday morning in Kagome’s time. Perhaps he was there too early, since nobody seemed to be up yet. To see Kagome’s sleeping face would probably kill his plans, so Inuyasha decided to rest on Goshinboku, the sacred tree in which he was sealed for fifty years, where he and Kagome first met, and probably where they’ll separate.
“Osuwari!”
Inuyasha heard the subdue spell with a startled heart and hit the ground. The satisfying “thud” reached Kagome’s ears and melted away at least half of her pent up anger. She expected him to bring his face up from the earth and yell at her until kingdom come. And so it scared her when he made no movements.
“Inuyasha?” Worried that she might’ve finally killed him with her subdue spells, Kagome rushed over to his side and gently poked him.
But instead, Inuyasha moaned slightly and got up. Without even a glance in her direction, he turned toward the well house. “Let’s go” was all he said.
Kagome was angry now, more than ever. Stupid, selfish jerk! He’s acting cold so I’ll hate him, and then he won’t feel so guilty when he pushes me into the well for the last time. Nice plan, you jerk, you’re not getting rid of me that easily!
“Inuyasha, osuwari!”
Inuyasha hit the ground again, and again he said nothing to retaliate. Kagome was really getting sick of this game. When he hit the ground for the third time, she didn’t give him time to rise. Instead, she rushed over and sat on top of him.
“Kagome, what are you doing?” Inuyasha lifted his head slightly and asked as emotionless as possible.
“Inuyasha,” Kagome inhaled so she wouldn’t blow up right away, “what were you thinking when you said what you said two days ago?"
I should’ve seen this coming... “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Kagome hit him on the head promptly in a very Sango-like manner. “Don’t give me that! You’re such a selfish jerk!”
“ ‘Selfish’?!” All of his plans flew out the window. Inuyasha was never one to follow a plan. “I did it for you!”
Kagome stood up and allowed him to stand as well. Now she was able to point her finger directly in his face and yell to her heart’s content. “As if! Telling me to go to school and take test and... and... and marry Hojo-kun?! How is any of it going to benefit me?!”
“It’s a normal life, like you always wanted!”
“Baka! I don’t want a ‘normal’ life! It’s so damn boring!”
Wow, Kagome said “damn”, no, yell first, marvel at it later. “Then what the fuck do you want?!”
“You’re so blind, Inuyasha! All I’ve ever wanted was to stay with you forever!”
A second passed, then a minute, then two... Inuyasha could no nothing else but stare into Kagome’s beautiful brown eyes. How can he still remain cold to her after that confession? Even if it kills him, he had to let her know.
“Kagome... I want to stay with you too... but...”
“No! I... I don’t want to hear the rest.” Kagome found herself in tears once again. “I’m crying again. I hate crying now. Kikyo never cries... she’s so strong all the time. If only I was stronger, then maybe...”
“Don’t compare yourself to her!” Kagome gasped as Inuyasha took her into his arms and hugged her as if he’ll never be able to touch her again. “Don’t... you’re Kagome, not Kikyo. I hate it when you cry too. But I’d rather see your tears than not see you at all. Your tears are special, Kagome, because you used them to cry for me.”
Kagome dug her face into his chest. “Inuyasha... I won’t give you that promise. I won’t come back and live a ‘normal’ life. If you choose to go with Kikyo, then I’ll come back to my world. But I won’t listen to you. I’ll think about you everyday. I’ll fail my tests and drop out of school. And I will never, never marry Hojo-kun. I won’t be happy, and you can’t make me.”
“Kagome, I just want you to be happy.”
“What makes you think life without you will be happy?”
Inuyasha was silent for a while. “Rose was happy.”
HUH?!!? Kagome withdrew her body from Inuyasha’s warmth and stared at him in disbelief. “What did you just say?!”
Inuyasha blinked. “In that movie thing your mother showed me, Rose was happy even though Jack died. And I told you the same thing Jack said to her... well, sorta.”
Oh Kami, oh Buddha, oh Jesus, oh holy... Kagome didn’t have the patience to explain to Inuyasha the difference between a movie and real life, and frankly, she didn’t want to. All she knew was that Inuyasha was a stupid idiot, and apparently a weirdo since he actually sat through Titanic. Should I be relieved?
Instead of going too deep, Kagome decided to get the conversation back on track. “If I was Rose,” she whispered, “I wouldn’t have been happy. So don’t tell me to go on, Inuyasha, because...”
“Because?”
“Because my heart will forever stay with you.”
Inuyasha’s eyes widened. He stood frozen for quite a long time. He was happy, oh yes, so happy that he was nearly delirious. And at the same time, he became deeply troubled. He felt like he was back at square one, and this new piece of information was not helping his eventual decision. The hanyou was at a loss for words.
“Kagome...I... but...but when the shards are finished, I won’t...”
Kagome dived into his arms this time. “Don’t talk about the future, Inuyasha, please don’t. I don’t care about the future, I really don’t... One day the sun will set, and the night will come. But it’s still high in the sky right now.”
“Kagome...”
“...I can’t go on without you, Inuyasha... I don’t want to.” Kagome sighed as Inuyasha hugged her tighter. She relaxed for the first time in days as Inuyasha’s reassuring grunt reached her ears. No, it was more than a grunt. It was a song, a poem, a monologue of Inuyasha’s deepest confessions. As long as she can still hear Inuyasha’s grunts, she’s happy.
-------
Owari.
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