The writings on this page are from a jokes and devotion e-mail I subscribe to, and also from the GCFL line of clean jokes. If the author's name is in with the mailing, I'll put it with their work, if not then it's just an author unknown.
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I'll be adding to these as things come in that really catch my attention. so you might want to check back often for additions if you like what you read, or just subscribe and you'll get it all everyday! Enjoy your reading! :)
As you sit in your house
you hear a sound.
You search for the source,
at the front door it's found.
You open the door and
there stands a man
that you've never met,
with a checkbook in hand.
He says, "Go gather your bills
and add them today.
I have this checkbook,
and I'd like to pay."
You pause for a moment.
This cannot be real.
But you would be foolish
to not take this deal.
Now here's the surprise
this story is true!
The door's not in your house,
it's inside of you.
The 'debt' is your sin
that you carry around.
But Jesus will pay it,
now how does that sound?
Yes, a check he will write
with salvation's pen.
There's a knock at your door,
won't you let him in?
--Author Unknown
YOU'RE GETTING OLDER IF YOU CAN REMEMBER.....
Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV
or radio.
When Kool-Aid was the only other drink for kids, other than
milk and
sodas.
When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to
school.
When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
When all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen
table.
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got
there.
When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.
When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge
bonus.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school,
if then.
When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When all your teachers wore either neckties or had their
hair done,
everyday.
When Bible reading and prayer started every school day.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas
pumped,
without asking, for free, every time. And you got trading
stamps to
boot!
When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels
hidden
inside the box.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or
use him to
carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of
it.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to
dinner at
a real restaurant with your parents.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they
failed--and
did!
When women were called, "Mrs. John Smith,"
instead of their own name.
... and GCFL's personal favorite ...
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the
fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
The Pastor said, "Today I've prepared a $10
sermon on fire and brimstone
that will take me about an hour and half to deliver, and I've
prepared a
$50 sermon on the evils of sin that will take about 45 minutes to
give,
and I've got a 10 minute $100 sermon on love and generosity.
We'll take
the collection at this time to see which one y'all vote for."
HELP YOUR TEENS AVOID THE SEX TRAP
There is incredible pressure on teen-agers today to experience
sex at an earlier and earlier age. A significant study reveals
that each year the average American teen-ager hears almost 15,000
sexual jokes, innuendoes, and other sexually suggestive
references on TV. Of these, fewer than 170 present a message
supporting responsible sexual behavior. (Victor C. Strausburger,
"Turning in to Teenagers," Newsweek, May 19, 1997, p.
18)
It is never too early - or too late - to start preparing your
child to resist the Sex Trap.
Parents' Convictions:
* Our children need to learn a godly perspective about sex
primarily from us. Why would you want your
child to learn
about this sacred aspect of marital love from
anyone else?
Talking about sex may be the single most
powerful way parents
have of entering into the lives of their
children. It also
can be the most difficult. When you do talk to
your child,
you are saying You are important enough to me
that I will
risk talking about this uncomfortable topic.
It may open the
door to other intimate discussions with your
child.
* Sex education consists of more than an explanation of
human
reproduction. Of course your children need to
know the
biological basics, but you need to finish the
process with
moral training. Discuss God's purpose for sex,
the importance
of sex and marriage, and why you should wait
for marriage
before you have sex. Include how to avoid
situations in which
you are tempted, how the media shape our
thoughts in this
area, the types of movies and books you should
see and avoid
- and why, and how, to respond when someone
challenges your
convictions.
* We must teach Biblical standards of purity and innocence.
Challenging your child with the goal of
virginity until
marriage may not be a high enough goal. Nor is
it the
ultimate Biblical goal. Scripture does not
command us to
preserve a technical virginity but to strive
for purity and
innocence (Read: 1 Thess. 4:3-7, 1 Cor. 6:18-20,
and 2 Tim.
2:22).
* We will model what we want our children to live. It all
begins with parents. He/she needs to see a
commitment to
purity in your life. Make sure that you are
not involved in
sexual sin, sexual addiction, or an affair. If
any of these
are on-going in your life, and you have not
repented, your
sin is not just personal; it will have an
impact on your
children, your grandchildren, and beyond.
Trash the videos.
Burn the literature. Put some screening
software on your
computer. Stop going to suggestive movies.
Break off a
relationship with the opposite sex. You will
not be able to
instruct your child to keep out of the traps
if you are not
staying out of them yourself.
* We need to create a home environment that provides love,
security, and physical affection for our
children.
Spiritually, many teens do not have an
accurate understanding
or a clear picture of who they are in Christ.
They do not
have a healthy sense of who they are as a boy
or a girl
becoming a man or a woman. Their self-doubt
often leads them
to use sex to meet their identity needs. Your
home needs to
be an oasis where your child learns about
trusting Christ and
a place where he/she goes for love and
affection. Don't stop
lavishing your child with physical affection:
he/she needs
those hugs and kisses more than ever.
--Dennis and Barbara Rainey
LIFE IS A SERIES OF PROBLEM-SOLVING
OPPORTUNITIES.
The problems you face will either defeat you or develop you -
depending on
how you respond to them. Unfortunately, most people fail to
see how God
wants to use problems for good in their lives. They react
foolishly and
resent their problems rather than pausing to consider what
benefit they
might bring.
Here are five ways God wants to use the problems in your life:
1. God uses problems to DIRECT you. Sometimes God must
light a fire
under you to get you moving. Problems often point us in a
new direction
and motivate us to change. Is God trying to get your
attention?
"Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change
our ways."
Proverbs 20:30 (GN)
2. God uses problems to INSPECT you. People are like tea
bags . . . if
you want to know what is inside them, just drop them into hot
water! Has
God ever tested your faith with a problem? What do problems
reveal about
you? "When you have many kinds of troubles, you should
be full of joy,
because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this
will give
you patience." James 1:2-3 (NCV)
3. God uses problems to CORRECT you. Some lessons we learn
only through
pain and failure. It is likely that as a child your parents
told you not
to touch a hot stove. However, you probably learned by
being burned.
Sometimes we only learn the value of something ... health, money,
a
relationship . . . by losing it. ...It was the best thing that
could have
happened to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your laws."
Psalm
119:71-72 (LB)
4. God uses problems to PROTECT you. A problem can be a
blessing in
disguise if it prevents you from being harmed by something more
serious.
Last year a friend was fired for refusing to do something
unethical that
his boss had asked him to do. His unemployment was a
problem - but it
saved him from being convicted and sent to prison a year later
when
management's actions were eventually discovered. "You
intended to harm
me, but God intended it for good . . .Genesis 50:20 (NIV)
5. God uses problems to PERFECT you. Problems, when
responded to
correctly are character builders. God is far more
interested in your
character than your comfort. Your relationship to God and
your character
are the only two things you are going to take with you into
eternity. "We
can rejoice when we run into problems . . . they help us learn to
be
patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and
helps us
trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and
faith are
strong and steady." Romans 5:3-4 (LB)
Here's the point: God is at work in your life - even when you do
not
recognize it or understand it. But, it's much easier and
profitable when
you cooperate with Him.
--submitted by Doug Wakil
Some new billboards are getting attention in
Cleveland. Some
reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all
of them.
Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks"
billboards. The
billboards are a simple black background with white text.
No fine
print or sponsoring organization is included. These are
awesome...enjoy.
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God
C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
-God
We need to talk.
-God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God
I love you and you and you and you and...
-God
Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God
Follow me.
-God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.
-God
My way is the highway.
-God
Need directions?
-God
You think it's hot here?
-God
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
-God
Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God
(And my personal favorite...)
Don't make me come down there.
-God
Received from Paul Calvert.
Another true life story for the Funnies...
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He
was
struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of
what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches,
he
got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place.
Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew
left
was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick
someone out
of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next
to
him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so
the
missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray,
the
missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat
down.
When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he
held
the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't
understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like
that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving
announcements. People
clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and
so
the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some words that
he
didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he
stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire
congregation. A
few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was
standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door
shaking the
hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit
stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said,
in
English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that
obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced
that the Acosta family
had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
Received from MIKEY'S FUNNIES.
A lesson worth reading By Harvey Mackey
>
A good friend told me the following story about how we all should
choose
to start our days:
Jerry's the kind of guy you'd like to hate: He's always in a good
mood
and always has something positive to say. When someone
would ask him how he
was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I'd
be twins!" He was
a unique manager because he had several waiters who followed him
around
from restaurant to restaurant, all because of his attitude-he was
a natural
motivator. If an employee had a bad day, Jerry would tell
him or her how
to look on the positive side of the situation.
One day I asked Jerry, "I don't get it! You can't be a
positive person
all the time. How do you do it?"
Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself,
Jerry, you have
two choices today: You can choose to be in a good mood or
you can choose
to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.
Each time something
bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn
from
it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone
comes to me complaining, I
can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out
the positive
side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
"Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the
junk, every
situation is a choice. You choose how you react to
situations. You
choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be
in a good mood or bad
mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."
Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own
business.
We lost touch, and several years later, I heard that Jerry did
something
you are never supposed to do in a restaurant: he left the back
door open
one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers.
While
trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from
nervousness, slipped off
the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him.
Luckily, Jerry was
found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was
released
from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in
his body.
I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I
asked him how he
was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins.
Wanna see my
scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what
had gone through his
mind as the robbery took place. "The first
thing that went through my
mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry
replied. "Then, as I
lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could
choose to
live or I could choose to die. I chose to live.
"The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was
going to be fine.
But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on
the
faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In
there eyes, I
read, 'he's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take
action.
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a bossy nurse shouting questions at
me," said Jerry.
"She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I
replied. The doctors and
nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.
I took a deep breath
and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them,
"I am choosing
to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.""
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because
of his
amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have
the choice
to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
Mackay's Moral: You have two choices now: You can throw this
away, or you
can forward it on to people you care about.