Funny thoughts and things....

The Husband's Nightmare

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to
the side of the road.  A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police
officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone.  I'm
afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80!  [The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light?  I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks!  [The man gives
his wife another dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just
shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to
you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."

Top Secret

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret
base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very
surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They
immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an
interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted
the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started
a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during
the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was
lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a
terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of
spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way
on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna
showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this
time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my
wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

The Factory

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires
only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the
manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men?
Is it because you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are
used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to
keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

The Sermon

The sermon had been going on too long, and the Minister should
have been able to see the congregation getting more than a little
restless; he droned on none-the-less for yet another 15 minutes.

Finally he paused and said, "What else can I say Brothers and
Sisters ?"

"How about 'Amen' Preacher ?" said a hungry soul from the rear of
the Church.

Assorted Funnies

Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married.
Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom that
she was expecting a little whisk-broom.  The groom broom was aghast!
'How is this possible?' he asked. 'We've never swept together!'
 
--
 
What do you call a cow with no legs? -- Ground beef.
 
--
 
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's
door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg.  His curiosity roused, he ask,
"Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
 
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar
attacked me while I was walking in the woods.  That pig there came a
runnin', went after that boar and chased him away.  Saved my life!"
 
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
 
"No he was fine after that.  But a bit later we had that fire.
Started in the shed up against the barn.  Well, that ole pig started
squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here,
the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved
'em all!"
 
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
 
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though.  When my tractor hit a
rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out.
When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out
'fore I drownded.  Sure did save my life."
 
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
 
"Oh no, he was fine.  Cleaned him up, too."
 
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
 
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat
all at once!"
----------

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending,
and they should be as  close together as possible.

Brownies you won't want

Many parents are hard pressed to explain to their youth why some
music, movies, books, and magazines are not acceptable material for them
to bring into the home or to listen to or see.

One parent came up with an original idea that is hard to refute. The
father listened to all the reasons his children gave for wanting to see a
particular PG-13 movie. It had their favorite actors. Everyone else was
seeing it. Even church members said it was great. It was only rated PG-13
because of the suggestion of sex--they never really showed it. The
language was pretty good--the Lord's name was only used in vain three
times in the whole movie.

The teens did admit there was a scene where a building and a bunch of
people were blown up, but the violence was just the normal stuff. It
wasn't too bad. And, even if there were a few minor things, the special
effects were fabulous and the plot was action packed.

However, even with all the justifications the teens made for the 13'
rating, the father still wouldn't give in. He didn't even give his
children a satisfactory explanation for saying, "No." He just said, "No!"

A little later on that evening the father asked his teens if they
would like some brownies he had baked. He explained that he'd taken the
family's favorite recipe and added a little something new. The children
asked what it was.

The father calmly replied that he had added dog poop. However, he
quickly assured them, it was only a little bit. All other ingredients were
gourmet quality and he had taken great care to bake the brownies at the
precise temperature for the exact time. He was sure the brownies would be
superb.

Even with their father's promise that the brownies were of almost
perfect quality, the teens would not take any. The father acted surprised.
After all, it was only one small part that was causing them to be so
stubborn. He was certain they would hardly notice it. Still the teens held
firm and would not try the brownies.

The father then told his children how the movie they wanted to see was
just like the brownies. The movie industry would have you believe just a
little bit of evil won't matter. But, the truth is even a little bit of
poop makes the difference between a great treat and something disgusting
and totally unacceptable.

The father went on to explain that even though the movie industry
would have us believe that most of today's movies are acceptable fare for
adults and youth, they are not.

Now, when this father's children want to see something that is of
questionable material, the father merely asks them if they would like some
of his special dog poop brownies. That closes the subject.

Plain Silly

A German shepherd went to a Western Union
office, took out a blank form and wrote,  "Woof..
woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof."

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog,
"There are only nine words here. You could
send another 'woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "that would be silly."

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